Twilight Series Article: A Twilight Hater's Review of New Moon

12

posted by shieldmaiden

The wolf clan was kinda awesome, except for the crappy animation and the fact that they're allergic to shirts.

Okay, I'll admit that I haven't laughed this hard at a film since I saw The Hangover last summer. Seriously, what was the plot here? I actually found the first film to be much better than this travesty. You can find my review of the first movie link. I'll go through it like I do with all movies. Pros and cons, then an overall.

Pros

The Volturi

Finally! Some ACTUAL vampires!! The Volturi I found were pretty awesome because, you know, they actually were cruel, soulless, mean, and did some actual VAMPIRING. The part towards the end where a tour group of humans is led directly to them and you hear their screams was pretty awesome. Come on people, that's what vampires do. They drink the blood of huuumans. Sheesh. Also, they were pretty cruel too, what with the whole smack down of Edward and nearly killing Bella (so bummed that didn't happen). Getting a small glimpse of the actor who will be playing Grindelwald in Deathly Hallows was a nice bonus too. So for all you Twilight fans, the Volturi are GOOD examples of vampires. Much like the soulless vampires on Buffy.

The Wolf Clan

Now why I didn't particularly enjoy the crappy computer animation of the wolves (more on that later) I did enjoy the characters of the wolf clan. The one scene that I really liked is where we see Sam's fiance, with half her face clawed up. My friend and I definitely agree that even with the claw marks she was amazingly beautiful. I would see a movie about her and Sam in a heartbeat. It would be much much better than this terrible film. Pity they were stuck in it.

Jacob

Lautner got hot. No denying that. Other than the hotness factor though, he was probably the only real character with any dimensions and depth besides Bella's father. The way their relationship built to where Jacob fell for Bella, and she pretty much for him, was very realistic and healthy. So you can imagine my dissappointment when she chose Edward, who abandoned, controlled, and basically led to much of her depression, over Jacob. You Team Jacob fans, I now consider you semi-sane because you recognized a HEALTHY relationship. Props to you guys.

Cons

Bella...you there?

I hate the character of Bella, I truly do. She doesn't think for herself, is defined solely by her relationships, and for some reason Stewart could NEVER SHUT HER MOUTH. Even when she wasn't talking!! What was up with that?! Gaah. The fact too that she dissed her friends at school and put her dad through so much crap with the screaming at night (seriously, wtf, she doesn't have PTSD) made me just loathe her character even more with a passion. Furthermore, her whole obsession over age was just ridiculous. Ohhh nooo you're a whole year older than your 107 year old vampire boyfriend!! Now he's not going to love you anymore!!! Yea, stupid. Those fans out there that idolize her, please find a healthier role model such as Eowyn, Hermione, heck even Lily on How I Met Your Mother. Bella is a very unhealthy and psychologically unstable character and is an insult to females everywhere. She didn't even drive her own car most of the time! Disgusting.

How is she special too btw?

If someone can explain how Bella is unaffected by any of the vampire's powers, it'd be much appreciated. That just seems like something that's just thrown out there. My theory? It's because Bella has no thoughts!

Edward...dude wtf?!

Sooo this guy that supposedly is totally in love with you throws you into a glass table for protection, lies to you, breaks up with you, and abandons you in the forest. A car ride home would have been nice plskthnx. Also, the throwing into the glass table for her protection? That was totally safe. You know, because she was bleeding even more profusely after the table than she was after the papercut. Also, who has ever bled that much after a papercut anyways, if at all? Furthermore, the fact that he kept "appearing" everytime Bella had an adrenaline rush was just weird. I think if my ex-boyfriend started showing up everytime I had a rush, I'd go and get a CT of my brain to make sure I didn't have a brain tumor a la Izzie seeing Denny b/c of her tumor. Also, the fact that Bella takes him right back after all the crap he put her through was just great. Really shows girls that hey, after a guy lies to you like that you can totally trust him again with no really good explanation other than "I love you". Nice.

OMG a Plot Point!!!

Annd what was the plot?? Everytime a possible plot point appeared it seemed to get derailed, such as the shots of Victoria, Laurent, or whenever anyone said Bella was acting crazy. If anyone spoke reason or a plot point appeared, it did not show again.

Lupin's Wolf Looked Better...

The film must have had the world's worst computer animation department because those wolves were a travesty. How about those transf...I mean FURSPLOSIONS eh? Really bad animation coupled with a laughable transformation sequence (FURSPLODE!) led to even more laughs. Too bad there weren't enough fursplosions.

That's What She Said!

There were way too many lines in the film where one could easily say that. For example- Bella: I'm coming! Me: That's what she said! Edward: I don't want you to come! Me: That's what HE said!! If you don't get the meaning behind that, then please go watch The Office where it is regularly utilized. Furthermore, the scene where Edward kisses Bella in front of her truck after the party was too funny. Edward acted like...well like link SNL skit. Please be forewarned that that link is meant for those 16 and older. That scene probably got one of the biggest laughs out of me.

Blocked

Finally, all the kiss-blocking that poor Jacob suffered through. Face Punch high school guy who threw up at an action movie (he's so gay then), Bella denies, and Edward calls just as he macks on the upper lip! Seriously, Jacob should have just pulled an Owen (Grey's Anatomy character), grabbed Bella, and just rocked her world. Doubt she woulda left if he did that.

Overall

Overall, this movie was a travesty to the film community. It was plotless, very poorly acted, and featured a very unhealthy set of characters that girls and women alike should not look up to as role models. Bella should have been thrown in a psych center for the stuff she was experiencing. I'm not going to apologize either if I've offended anyone. This is my honest opinion, and I know I wasn't as kind as I was in my first review. Now you've heard an opinion of an anti-Twilighter. You Team Jacobers, you got some respect from me now. Please save your brain cells and your money and do not see this movie. Unless you want a really good laugh then by all means do. Oh and one more thing to note. The ending with the whole Marry me? Ending on the *gasp* garnered a huge laugh from our audience. And just for my own satisfaction, FURSPLODE TIME!!

No plot and many opportunities for "That's what she said!" abound in this film. Also, Edward during this kiss is very reminiscent of a certain SNL skit.

Poor Jacob kept getting blocked and denied. In the end, Bella chooses the unhealthy relationship with Edward based on looks rather than the healthy one with Jacob based on the initial strong friendship.

xoPixie-Popxo, groovychicklisa and 10 others like this

rachaelwsz Lol. You've got great points there. But personally, I felt that the New Moon movie was better. What made me really dislike the Twilight movie was the terribly crappy script. (Think the spider monkey lines.) Oh, not forgetting the very disappointing special effects. (Sparkles- FAIL!) Btw, I've linked your article to the [url=http://www.fanpop.com/spots/critical-analysis-of-twilight] Critical Analysis of Twilight[/url] spot, better known as the CAT spot. ;) Check out the spot if you haven't.

shieldmaiden Didn't know that existed! Thanks! I've joined :) And the only reason that I found the first movie slightly better (by a very very small margin) than this one is because there was some semblance of a plot present. Not much though, but if you looked it was kinda there.

OCFan123 After reading this article...I really love you :) But I agree with rachelwsz, I thought this movie was better. But thats just me.

rachaelwsz @shieldmaiden I would agree with you about the weak plot presence in the New Moon movie. But if I were to compare both the movies, I still think New Moon was better overall. The CAT spot rules. ;)

XDRoseLuvsHP Haha, if you thought the movie was bad, you should see the book! E.P.I.C.F.A.I.L. Love the review :D

Impulse85 I love the fact that you made the Volturi part of the Pro part of the movie, b/c honestly, that's the only reason I went to go see the movie. I love the Volturi, they're a great set of characters that got caught in a crappy and pointless book. That's a shame to, they really should have a spin off. I'd buy that book!!!

4

True Lies,Teen Girls(Chapter Ten)

posted by moolah

Homemade Banner

Bella’s P.O.V:
I was hyperventilating when I stepped into the Cullen garage. I saw the car Ali and Jazz had taken me into to Arizona. And then the car that had come back when I was “dead” with Ali as my visitor. The car I promised Edward I would wait until after graduation for my wish made me cry the most. The one where we ran into Jacob-and went into the woods.
Although I was supposed to go to the hotel Carlisle told me to go strait to Alice and Edward. I had Cullen clothes on so I would smell like a vampire. I did. I smelled like all my favorite people. Emmett, Alice, Edward, Esme, Carlisle,...

3

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 5~ [THREE]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Five
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________________
[THREE]
    At times, as I tried to find Jerek, I saw people dropping to the ground, a head or two flying past my face, blood being sprayed in the air. But I knew that none of them was more, nor Tabra, nor Jerek.
    And I was certain.
    I kept on walking, killing few here and there, and finally, I saw Jerek and Haus.
    They were off to the side, like I was with the other people, and I kept walking that way slowly, making sure Haus...

1

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 4~ [EIGHT]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Four
BuffyFaithfan1
_________________________
[EIGHT]
    I quit crying a few minutes later. I just laid there for the few hours of time we had to ourselves. I didn't need to train, I was ready for this battle. The Final Fight, I would win. I was ready.
    And then, it was time to go.
    I checked my eyes so no one would ask me if I was crying, and I was good. I went to the weapons room, geared up, and grabbed my essentials: a cross-bow and a stake.
    "Let's do this." I said, and we started...

2

Robert Pattinson Related to Dracula?

posted by Hellohoudini

Robert Pattinson Related to Dracula?
By Twilight_News |

According to ET:

“The Associated Press says researchers at Ancestry.com have connected Pattinson and the Transylvanian ruler through their relationship to the British royal family; the site claims Pattinson is a distant cousin of Princes Harry and William, who are distant nephews of Vlad the Impaler.
“Tracing Pattinson’s family back to Vlad was difficult research, but the pieces that unraveled created the perfect accompaniment to ‘The Twilight Saga,’” said Anastasia Tyler, a genealogist at Ancestry.com. “Without any myth or magic, we find royalty and vampires lurking in Pattinson’s life — making his story just as supernatural as the one he’s playing on screen.”

5

(Doesn't have a name yet)

posted by jacob_lover5253

Heyy I am back. The doctor said I did have a concussion so I had to be woken up multiple times last night. On the bright side I finished
Bella's POV... if this is to confusing let me know. -Kayla

End of Chapter 6. (Jacob)

I heard the door open as he peeked his head in. Great it's morning time already. As soon as Charlie went into the bathroom I jumped out of her window.

I walked around to the front of the house and knocked on the door. Charlie answered within minutes.

"Hey, Jacob, hold on I'll get her." Wow it's like he can read my mind. I heard him walking up the creaking steps. "Bells, you awake,...

1

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 4~ [THREE]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Four
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________________
[THREE]
    LATER THAT NIGHT: I had some ice-cream with Tabra, and we talked about things we used to do.
    "Remember when we played the PS2?" He asked and I laughed.
    "I kicked your butt in Crash Bandacoot !" I said and he laughed.
    "I know, I sucked at that game!" He said.
    "Yea, that's why I made you play it with me." I laughed and he did too.
    "Really?" He asked, and I nodded and took...

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 4~ [TWO]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Four
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________________
[TWO]
    I yelped and jerked. I then screamed and I woke up. Jerek was sitting up next to me, holding my hands down so I didn't lash out. He looked at me once I opened my eyes.
    "Are you okay?" Jerek asked me, looking worried.
    "Yea, I'm fine. I just had a nightmare." I said.
    "We'll try to go back to sleep okay? It's only six a.m." Jerek said and I laid back down next to him.
    "Do you think the others heard...

1

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 4~ [ONE]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Four
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________________
[PREVIOUSLY]
Hi, my name is Cyd, short for Cydnee, and one day while I was grocery shopping, a former member of the Death Clan of the Fallen threw a knife at my head. I ducked behind my cart, and ran out of the store once I saw the knife fly into a bunch of egg cartons. I went home, told my friend Tabra about it, and he came rushing over. He helped me get out of the aftershock feeling, and when we were eating chicken sandwhiches, mine was coated in poison. We then went to his apartment,...

2

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 3~ [TWENTY]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Three
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________________
[TWENTY]
    WHEN I GOT OUT: I dried off, got dressed, drained the tub, rinsed the extra suds off of the tub, dried my hair, ran my fingers through it, and went out into Jerek's bedroom and saw him waiting for me.
    "Hey," He said, and patted the bed next to him.
    He was shirtless, of course, and as I walked to him, I noticed that the tattoo on him was looking darker. Maybe I was just looking at it and it was popping out at me or something. Anyways,...

3

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 3~ [SIX]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Three
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________________
[SIX]
    We got into Jerek's car, and he started back to his hous or headquarters, wherever Jerek was taking us too.
    "So, do you have the symbol of the Death Clan on you?" I asked Jerek. Tabra was laying in the back, and Jerek and I were in the front.
    "Yea, I do. I regret seeing it everyday, I regret what I did the little time I was there. But I do."
    "Have you forgiven yourself?"
    "Not fully." He said,...

2

the new beginig ch4 " dOnt have tittle yet lOl"

posted by sh0rtiinedward

I didn’t know what was happening, who was this guy I got the feel that I know him for a long time. I started walking to the door when the bell rang, and as I was crossing the door Julius passed by me real quick.
“I don’t know nothing about this guy, but I have to find out as soon is possible” I said to my self. I started walking to my next class, and for my surprise he was there too, so I seat next to him again and………….
“Hello my name is Rennesme Cullen” I said to him, very polite
“Hi I’m Julius” he said as he turn around to my direction and meet with my eyes, he was...

4

the new beginig ch3 :Welcome to the real life"

posted by sh0rtiinedward

I can’t believe this is Monday already, time to go to school and act human, with all those people “Humans”
“Nessi are you ready honey” my aunt Alice yelled.
“Yes I’m on my way” I graph my backpack and I started walking to the door.
“Rennesme sweetheart can we talk for a minute” my mom asked me
“Sure mom”
“Well honey tell me what’s going on? I see you that you are very sad”
“Mom I feel so bad, I can’t understand what’s going on, I fell so badly with JACOB, I told very horrible stuff and now I need him, he was my best friend and my big brother. He was there for me...

1

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. Two~ [FIVE]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Two
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________
[FIVE]
    And then she dropped to the floor. I heard a gunshot and saw Tabra standing behind her lifeless body.
    That's when the others marched in. I grabbed my gun, and we started shooting at the people that came in.
    Finally, in the end, they were all gone.
    "You really think you can kill me!?" A voice said, and we turned to see Haus holding a sword from the wall. He was drooling blood, and he looked . "You can't kill me!" He then thrusted...

2

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. Two~ [FOUR]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Two
BuffyFaithfan1
__________________
[FOUR]
    I jumped up and whipped out my gun, aimed it for Haus' chest and fired twice. Haus went down in a second.
    "Let's go!" I said and Rick jumped into the room, brandishing his knives.
    Tabra grabbed his arm, twisted it around and snapped it. Clean break, sounded like, if not, good! He deserved the suffering. Rick went down on one knee, and I shot at him, the bullet entered his skull. He's a goner.
    A chick walked in then, carrying a whip and slung it at Tabra. It wrapped around his neck and she started to pull.
    "Let him go!" I shouted and shot at her, she got hit in the leg.
    "You bitch!" She said, released Tabra and slashed her whip at me.
    It knocked the gun out of my hand.
    "Let's do this," She dropped her whip and walked towards me.
    "First class whore!" I spat and she gasped.
    "I'll kill you for that."
    Uh-oh!

3

Hello, My Name Is: Death [EIGHT]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume One
BuffyFaithfan1
____________________
[EIGHT]
We got into Tabra's truck, and started over to the headquarters of the Death Clan of the Fallen. I was nervous, and I felt like I was gonna' throw-up.
"Is it too late to back out?" I asked him and he laughed nervously.
"Right now, yes." He kept on driving, and I thought to myself how better life will be once this is over.
Alright Cyd, stop being nervous! Sure you can die, but think about how much ass you'll kick!? Think about how bad ass you'll be pointing and shooting a gun, especially at the guy who threw a knife...

3

Hello, My Name Is: Death [FOUR]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume One
BuffyFaithfan1
_________________________
[INTRO]
So, if you forgot the last three things that have happened, here is exactly what did happen:
1.) A knife was thrown at my head.
2.) I almost consumed a poisonous chicken
and 3.) The Death Clan of the Fallen are after me.
Pretty scary right? If you think it isn't, well then leave right now, because it is. Not only do they know where I live, but they probably have been watching me for a while. Hopefully Tabra and I can get through this. We have to, right? Hero triumphs over the Villain!?
I sure hope so...
___________________________...

4

A Life Of Death Part Three

posted by a-jforever

Heres part three.....I think. Enjoy.XXXX

What do you want of me?” I asked straightening up to try being civil.

“Ok you’re going to think me a complete freak when I tell you so come inside and sit down.”

“NOT INSIDE.” The bronze haired one protested.
Alice closed her eyes growing very still and then opening them.

“See Edward she won’t hurt Renesmee.” Edward nodded stepping out the way of the door. But whatever Alice had done hadn’t convinced him enough as he hurried in before us.

“Are you Phoebe?” A little girl with Bronze curly hair came round the corner smiling at me her...

4

the follow up to a beautiful death part 8

posted by xroylex

"hey! nessie!" blake greeted me in the car park he must of been waiting for me.
"heya blake whatssup?"
"well i was just wondering did you want to do something tonight?" he sounded nervous but he wanted to be confident and i needed a night out and pluss i didnt want to go back there. not tonight anyway.
"sure what did you have in mind?" i smiled as his eyes widened.
"erm well my mum and dad are going out tonight so we could have a film? i mean i can get other people around? if you want?"
"no thats fine i would love to come and watch a film with you. see you tonight then"
i didnt really know most...

4

Cullens meet Hales part 2!

posted by Cullens4eva

I LOVE MY SISTER SOOOOOOO MUCH! We all screamed till our throats hurt, this is just amazing. As we stopped mom walked in and started to tidy up the lounge. To be honest I'd forgotten she was actually here.

"Girls that's enough. Now what's all this screaming about hey? There's no need for it." She finished doing some light dusting and sat down with a book. Probably some romance knowing mom, she was so predictable. Her life is a romance novel, her meeting my dad after nearly jumping off a cliff, falling helplessly in love, having 3 beautiful girls, living in a house to die for...

We all sat down...

3

Hello, My Name Is: Death [ONE]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume One
BuffyFaithfan1
_________________________________________
[ONE]
This was like no other Monday. Why you ask? Well, maybe if a knife flew at your head, you would agree with me. And it wasn't like magic flying, it was like an assassain threw a knife at my head and tried to kill me! At first, all I could think of was RUN, but later on I knew why he was after me. Here is exactly what happened...
I was driving to the store, and I got out of my car and went inside. I was almost done, I just needed milk and cookie dough, and they were in the same isle, so I picked up...