Twilight Series Article: A Twilight Hater's Review of New Moon

12

posted by shieldmaiden

The wolf clan was kinda awesome, except for the crappy animation and the fact that they're allergic to shirts.

Okay, I'll admit that I haven't laughed this hard at a film since I saw The Hangover last summer. Seriously, what was the plot here? I actually found the first film to be much better than this travesty. You can find my review of the first movie link. I'll go through it like I do with all movies. Pros and cons, then an overall.

Pros

The Volturi

Finally! Some ACTUAL vampires!! The Volturi I found were pretty awesome because, you know, they actually were cruel, soulless, mean, and did some actual VAMPIRING. The part towards the end where a tour group of humans is led directly to them and you hear their screams was pretty awesome. Come on people, that's what vampires do. They drink the blood of huuumans. Sheesh. Also, they were pretty cruel too, what with the whole smack down of Edward and nearly killing Bella (so bummed that didn't happen). Getting a small glimpse of the actor who will be playing Grindelwald in Deathly Hallows was a nice bonus too. So for all you Twilight fans, the Volturi are GOOD examples of vampires. Much like the soulless vampires on Buffy.

The Wolf Clan

Now why I didn't particularly enjoy the crappy computer animation of the wolves (more on that later) I did enjoy the characters of the wolf clan. The one scene that I really liked is where we see Sam's fiance, with half her face clawed up. My friend and I definitely agree that even with the claw marks she was amazingly beautiful. I would see a movie about her and Sam in a heartbeat. It would be much much better than this terrible film. Pity they were stuck in it.

Jacob

Lautner got hot. No denying that. Other than the hotness factor though, he was probably the only real character with any dimensions and depth besides Bella's father. The way their relationship built to where Jacob fell for Bella, and she pretty much for him, was very realistic and healthy. So you can imagine my dissappointment when she chose Edward, who abandoned, controlled, and basically led to much of her depression, over Jacob. You Team Jacob fans, I now consider you semi-sane because you recognized a HEALTHY relationship. Props to you guys.

Cons

Bella...you there?

I hate the character of Bella, I truly do. She doesn't think for herself, is defined solely by her relationships, and for some reason Stewart could NEVER SHUT HER MOUTH. Even when she wasn't talking!! What was up with that?! Gaah. The fact too that she dissed her friends at school and put her dad through so much crap with the screaming at night (seriously, wtf, she doesn't have PTSD) made me just loathe her character even more with a passion. Furthermore, her whole obsession over age was just ridiculous. Ohhh nooo you're a whole year older than your 107 year old vampire boyfriend!! Now he's not going to love you anymore!!! Yea, stupid. Those fans out there that idolize her, please find a healthier role model such as Eowyn, Hermione, heck even Lily on How I Met Your Mother. Bella is a very unhealthy and psychologically unstable character and is an insult to females everywhere. She didn't even drive her own car most of the time! Disgusting.

How is she special too btw?

If someone can explain how Bella is unaffected by any of the vampire's powers, it'd be much appreciated. That just seems like something that's just thrown out there. My theory? It's because Bella has no thoughts!

Edward...dude wtf?!

Sooo this guy that supposedly is totally in love with you throws you into a glass table for protection, lies to you, breaks up with you, and abandons you in the forest. A car ride home would have been nice plskthnx. Also, the throwing into the glass table for her protection? That was totally safe. You know, because she was bleeding even more profusely after the table than she was after the papercut. Also, who has ever bled that much after a papercut anyways, if at all? Furthermore, the fact that he kept "appearing" everytime Bella had an adrenaline rush was just weird. I think if my ex-boyfriend started showing up everytime I had a rush, I'd go and get a CT of my brain to make sure I didn't have a brain tumor a la Izzie seeing Denny b/c of her tumor. Also, the fact that Bella takes him right back after all the crap he put her through was just great. Really shows girls that hey, after a guy lies to you like that you can totally trust him again with no really good explanation other than "I love you". Nice.

OMG a Plot Point!!!

Annd what was the plot?? Everytime a possible plot point appeared it seemed to get derailed, such as the shots of Victoria, Laurent, or whenever anyone said Bella was acting crazy. If anyone spoke reason or a plot point appeared, it did not show again.

Lupin's Wolf Looked Better...

The film must have had the world's worst computer animation department because those wolves were a travesty. How about those transf...I mean FURSPLOSIONS eh? Really bad animation coupled with a laughable transformation sequence (FURSPLODE!) led to even more laughs. Too bad there weren't enough fursplosions.

That's What She Said!

There were way too many lines in the film where one could easily say that. For example- Bella: I'm coming! Me: That's what she said! Edward: I don't want you to come! Me: That's what HE said!! If you don't get the meaning behind that, then please go watch The Office where it is regularly utilized. Furthermore, the scene where Edward kisses Bella in front of her truck after the party was too funny. Edward acted like...well like link SNL skit. Please be forewarned that that link is meant for those 16 and older. That scene probably got one of the biggest laughs out of me.

Blocked

Finally, all the kiss-blocking that poor Jacob suffered through. Face Punch high school guy who threw up at an action movie (he's so gay then), Bella denies, and Edward calls just as he macks on the upper lip! Seriously, Jacob should have just pulled an Owen (Grey's Anatomy character), grabbed Bella, and just rocked her world. Doubt she woulda left if he did that.

Overall

Overall, this movie was a travesty to the film community. It was plotless, very poorly acted, and featured a very unhealthy set of characters that girls and women alike should not look up to as role models. Bella should have been thrown in a psych center for the stuff she was experiencing. I'm not going to apologize either if I've offended anyone. This is my honest opinion, and I know I wasn't as kind as I was in my first review. Now you've heard an opinion of an anti-Twilighter. You Team Jacobers, you got some respect from me now. Please save your brain cells and your money and do not see this movie. Unless you want a really good laugh then by all means do. Oh and one more thing to note. The ending with the whole Marry me? Ending on the *gasp* garnered a huge laugh from our audience. And just for my own satisfaction, FURSPLODE TIME!!

No plot and many opportunities for "That's what she said!" abound in this film. Also, Edward during this kiss is very reminiscent of a certain SNL skit.

Poor Jacob kept getting blocked and denied. In the end, Bella chooses the unhealthy relationship with Edward based on looks rather than the healthy one with Jacob based on the initial strong friendship.

xoPixie-Popxo, groovychicklisa and 10 others like this

rachaelwsz Lol. You've got great points there. But personally, I felt that the New Moon movie was better. What made me really dislike the Twilight movie was the terribly crappy script. (Think the spider monkey lines.) Oh, not forgetting the very disappointing special effects. (Sparkles- FAIL!) Btw, I've linked your article to the [url=http://www.fanpop.com/spots/critical-analysis-of-twilight] Critical Analysis of Twilight[/url] spot, better known as the CAT spot. ;) Check out the spot if you haven't.

shieldmaiden Didn't know that existed! Thanks! I've joined :) And the only reason that I found the first movie slightly better (by a very very small margin) than this one is because there was some semblance of a plot present. Not much though, but if you looked it was kinda there.

OCFan123 After reading this article...I really love you :) But I agree with rachelwsz, I thought this movie was better. But thats just me.

rachaelwsz @shieldmaiden I would agree with you about the weak plot presence in the New Moon movie. But if I were to compare both the movies, I still think New Moon was better overall. The CAT spot rules. ;)

XDRoseLuvsHP Haha, if you thought the movie was bad, you should see the book! E.P.I.C.F.A.I.L. Love the review :D

Impulse85 I love the fact that you made the Volturi part of the Pro part of the movie, b/c honestly, that's the only reason I went to go see the movie. I love the Volturi, they're a great set of characters that got caught in a crappy and pointless book. That's a shame to, they really should have a spin off. I'd buy that book!!!

2

just a twist 'Embry: when i first saw her'

posted by mia1emmett

I have made this so you guys can see how it was when Embry first saw stella.

At the bonfire:
Where is Jake? Sam wont start this bonfire with out him. ugh! how long does it take him to go get Nessie! i thought to my self as Paul and Jared were trying to eat the food but Emily just smacked there hands. we all heard two wolf howls and gave each other looks. Sam was getting prepared to attack when we saw Nessie running out of the wood and wave at us. Then Jake walked out with this almost pale, long wavy brown hair that almost touched her hips. she had green as grass eyes and was smiling at Jake....

1

just a twist chapter 13

posted by mia1emmett

Tell me if you want to see *sparks* ;)
Chapter 13
Welcome to the pack
I drove into Jakes drive way and I turned my car off. It was raining so my vampire scent had gone. I walked out into the soaking rain and knocked on jakes door. Jacob answered it and said “right this way”. I walked in and saw the whole pack was there jake, embry, seth, paul, sam, leah, jared, quil. them all and sat down on the empty chair I said “um.. I am guessing jake told you all to come. Well thing is the Volturi are coming they smelt me, Edward, and Emmett in Italy...

1

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 6~ [TWENTY]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Six
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________________
[TWENTY]
    Later that night, I got out of the shower, ready to go to bed, anxious for Verona's arrival tomorrow morning. I was tired and anxious. If you're anxious, doesn't that mean that you should be awake and a bit energized? Anyways, I am tired and anxious, and if that wasn't possible before, it now is.
    "You tired?" I asked Jerek once I crawled into bed.
    "Yea. Being nervous, and now anxious, made me tired. Plus, I had to fight a few people in...

1

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 6~ [EIGHTEEN]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Six
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________________
[EIGHTEEN]
    "What?" Shropee looked stunned.
    "You are a doctor, why not take care of her yourself, under the protection of us all, at the Alliance?" Tabra looked at Jerek. "It's a good idea, we can keep an eye on her, out of harms way."
    "He's right." I added.
    "Do you want to do that, Jerek?" Shropee asked him.
    Jerek looked at his hands. "Yea."
    Shropee looked back into the mirror...

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 6~ [FOURTEEN]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Six
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________________
[FOURTEEN]
    Five minutes later, seven knocks came to the door again, and I let Ethan back into the room.
    "He's there. I told him to lock the door, and watch out for people." Ethan said, and I felt better now.
    "Thanks so much." I said, and he nodded.
    "So, when does Shropee get here?" He asked.
    "We don't know. She said she'll knock ten times on the door so we know it's her and Jerek." Tabra answered.
    "Alright....

1

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 6~ [TWELVE]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Six
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________________
[TWELVE]
    "Cydnee, right?" The doctor said, and I nodded. "You must be Tabra." Tabra nodded. "Hi, I'm Dr. Black. But call me Ethan, please."
    "Alright, Ethan." Tabra rose to his feet and shook his hand. "Nice to meet ya'."
    "Yea. Can I ask you something, Ethan?" I sat on my bed, and he nodded.
    "Did you ever have Verona as a patient?" I asked him. "She's on this floor, room 23."
    "Yes, I did. I know why...

1

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 6~ [NINE]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Six
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________________
[NINE]
    Shropee pulled Jerek, Tabra and I off to the side, out of sight from the actual doctor's of this hospital.
    She looked around before speaking. "Cyd, take Tabra to room 26 on the third floor, got it?" I nodded. "Now go."
    I took Tabra's arm, and we started off for the nearest elevator. We clicked on the UP button, and waited.
    "Do you have any idea on what we are going to do?" Tabra asked.
    "Yea,...

1

just a twist chapter 12

posted by mia1emmett

i know this is short sorry.
Chapter 12
DREAM
I was running with Embry and Seth. Embry stopped me and I asked “what? We have to go!” but then I heard Sam say “Embry don’t do it she’s not ready” Jake grabbed my hand but Embry smacked it away and growled. I tried to run but he held tighter, I screamed ‘help!’ and Paul came running to my side. He pushed Embry and grabbed me and started running with me but then Embry pushed Paul and Paul got mad. But then I gave Paul a look and he walked away and that’s when...

2

just a twist chapter 11

posted by mia1emmett

this is stellas car. its a jaguar color black roof open.

Chapter 11
“oh boy”
Edward and everyone greeted us at the door, rose walked up to Nessie and said “you spent to much time with dogs, other then one of your aunts being a dog” I rolled my eyes and I walked up stairs thinking about how me and Seth were talking about how it would be so cool if we swam all the way from La push to where ever. I must have been so deep in thought I didn’t hear the door open because Emmett’s face was in my face. I rolled off my bed “ok I am ready” Emmett’s...

Hello, My Name Is: Death ~Vol. 6~ [SIX]

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Hello, My Name Is: Death
Volume Six
BuffyFaithfan1
_______________________
[SIX]
Two words. Two words was all Jerek said after Tabra told him what Shropee told us. "I'm in." Those two words confined our next job. With those two words, I was scared. With those two words I knew this would come out in a disaster. Those two little words told me many things. And they asked the familiars: who, what, when, where, and why. Well, just for a second until those two words brought me back into the conversation. Two words was all it took. Two words brought me to my death.

Here's...

1

just a twist chapter 8

posted by mia1emmett

i am thinking of ending it in the next chapter.

Chapter 8
HERE COMES THE WOLFS
Emmett told the family that he was going to drive around with me; I knew it was going to be a long ride. I rolled my eyes at that fact. The whole car ride Emmett was acting like a father I wanted to laugh so badly but I couldn’t I knew it wasn’t good for me to right now. Edward would have said “smart girl” if he was here. Boy do I wish jasper was though Emmett was so tense. I was scared to step into the car. As I...

1

just a twist chapter 6

posted by mia1emmett

this is how i pictured Estella

ok this is very simple and short but you'll love the next chapter :)

Chapter 6
WOULD YOU? O.o
Emmett honked his horn in my face and my face must have been funny
because I saw jasper and Emmett laugh, Alice came to my rescue and
smacked both of them. I laughed and opened the door. Alice and jasper
gave me a hard time about wanting to leave for Italy. I noticed rose was all silent. It puzzled me. I felt a change in emotion and I instantly hit jasper, Emmett laughed and I said "don't play with my emotions!" then jasper said...

3

the new volturi

posted by bluemc24

intrduction
Hayley and indie were walking along the beach at sunset. They had spent a whole day sunbathing and getting a tan.- but lets hope they were good ones as they will be spending the rest of forever looking exactly like that.

Hayley’s POV

I woke up I felt strong but, a weird burning was in my throat. I sat up, where was I? it was definitely a palace or a mansion!? Just then I realised that I could hear and see everything. Then suddenly, indie sat up.

“indie?” I asked, my voice sounded different, sort of like bell’s. “yes” she replied. “where are we?” she took a while before...

1

just a twist chapter 2-3

posted by mia1emmett

chapter 2 is short so i added chapter 3. and i hope you like it :) i know i posted this way to early :-p sorry if miss spelled or words sound out of order :-p

Chapter 2
LUNCH
I sat where Jill was sitting. The same people from before. The blonde
Kid, the reporter with a few other people. They introduced themselves.
And I giggled when they all were done. I said "I laugh a lot...sorry"
Ken rolled his eyes. I cracked up. Mart the one who bumped into me asked me "so Estella--" "call...

5

New found Sunshine Lanise's P.O.V.

posted by NeeNee14

This is a sequel to "When The Stars Align" I hope you like it.☺☺☺

I lay in the bed, waiting for Tala to burst through my door and "wake" me up. I sighed, wishing that Seth was here with us, but he couldn't be, he was dead. I started to get up to see why she wasn't up yet. I peeked into her room, she was still asleep.
"Wake up Sunshine" I whispered in her ear. She opened her eyes and smiled.
"Morin' Mommy" She said and got out of bed. She went into the kitchen and sat in her chair.
"What do you want for breakfast?" I asked her.
"PANCAKES!" She yelled and smiled. She looked so much like Seth...

4

the follow up to a beautiful death part 21

posted by xroylex

Edwards’s pov

Approaching the meadow was weird I mean we were about to try and get my daughter back os it was like I don’t know it’s really hard to explain it right now.
Bella has been playing with her hair all the way here and now stood here she is crying tearless tears.
She looked so helpless without our baby and I remembered back to the time she use to look like that when I first got her back when she didn’t have any life in them eyes. It pained me so.

It hit me a minute later their thoughts about whom and which one they are after I scanned across them until I reached nessies.
I...

2

Foolproof!

posted by groovychicklisa

New Beginnings

"Are you sure?" Renée asked, her eyes wide, continuing before I had a chance to answer. "Charlie!" This was called in the direction of the living room.

"No, I'm not sure, that's why I said 'I'm not sure'." I replied dryly.

"Did it feel like the false labor pains?"

I shook my head.

"Definitely not."

"What're you yelling about?" Charlie asked grumpily, coming into the kitchen. By the sound that was still coming from the television, we had interrupted a baseball game.

"Bella's in labor."

He just stood there for a moment, mouth slightly ajar and a vacant expression in his eyes.

"Right,...

1

Foolproof!

posted by groovychicklisa

Music and Memories

Charlie had left by the time I got up the next morning; he was fishing with Billy again, and probably wouldn't be back until late. I did the homework that had to be done by Monday and cleaned the house, but it was still barely noon by the time I had finished. Edward hadn't said when he would call, so when the phone rang a few minutes later, I almost fell down the stairs in my hurry to get to it.

"Hello?" I answered breathlessly.

"Hi honey!"

I let out a slightly disappointed sigh; mom.

"Hey mom." I started twirling the chord around my finger, hoping this wouldn't turn out to be...

1

Dear Diary:Chapter 7

posted by Jessie-Louise

Dear Diary,
I am so happy that the whole family now knows,i'm going for my first scan today.
Jacob,Mom,Dad and Billy are coming with me.
I can't wait,until the second scan when I find out if my baby is a beautiful baby girl or baby boy.
Ella Marie Black or Justin Antony Black,there both perfect names for my child.
I still can't get over Billy Fainting last night,but at least he agrees with our decision.

Love Renesmee..x

Jacob and I got up and went downstairs for breakfast.
A nice bowl of cereal and a glass of fresh orange should do it.
Afterwards we went and got ready.
I Just chucked on a sweater and...

2

Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas dating???

posted by mitchie19

Rumor or Not?

London, July 11 – ‘Twilight’ star Ashley Greene has sparked rumours that she’s dating Joe Jonas after the two tried to have a secret date but went to London’s most exclusive restaurant The Ivy.

The duo was in town for the premiere of the latest Twilight film, ‘Eclipse’.

They tried to keep their dinner date hush-hush to avoid being spotted together.

“They had a very romantic night at The Ivy. They arrived separately and then left out by the back door where there were two vans with blacked-out windows waiting to whisk them away,” News Of The World quoted a source as saying.

The source addded: “They looked like a lovely couple. Had a few drinks and were clearly enjoying not being hounded like they would have been in Los Angeles.