Kutner is my favourite member of House's new team. So I have compiled a list of some of his funniest quotes so far. Unfortunately, much of the hilarity is in Kal Penn's delivery, so the written quotes aren't quite as funny as watching him give his lines.
House: I fired you.
Kutner: No, you didn’t
Amber: He fired you. You're number 6.
Kutner: No, I'm number 9.
House: I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired.
House: Vitamin D is metabolized by both the liver and kidneys - it wouldn't tell us which one screwed up.
Kutner: We could get her wasted. Give her shots of tequila, measure how long it takes her to pass out. If it's too fast, it means her livers not processing alchohol, means it's shot.
House: I like you number 9.
Henry: We're not okay.
Amber: I get it. You don't like me because maybe I'm a little bit competitive.
Taub: Manipulative.
Kutner: "Cutthroat Bitch" is your official title.
Amber: It's a game. You can either play for fun or play to win. If you want to win, you want cutthroat.
Cole: No, thank you.
House: There are seven of you and only six roses.
Kutner: Those are peonies... (House stares at him) but I'm sure they're part of the rose family.
Taub: Why does he get to be Bosley?
Kutner: You want to be Bosley? Bosley’s like the asexual messenger boy.
Taub: Shouldn’t we be running?
Kutner: If it’s a cop, run. Security guard, I say we take him down.
Amber: What's going on?
Kutner: You're the favorite.
Amber: House's?
Kutner: To get fired.
House: So now you’ve electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.
Kutner: Thank you.
Taub: It wasn’t a compliment.
House: Yeah it was. The insult comes now: you’re insane! You either have an aversion to towels, or you want pain. I think both. I'm thinking it goes back to high school gym.
Kutner: The cultures were my idea.
House: No one's keeping score. You’re losing.
Cole: What would House do right now?
Thirteen: Pop a pill, insult us and trick the patient.
Kutner: We can do that last part. She's never met House before, has she? Who's got a cane?
Kutner: I have a sick guy. I saw this magician last night-
House: The girl’s fine. He didn’t really cut her in half.
House: I thought Amber scared you guys.
Kutner: She does. But she also has legs that go all the way up to Canada.
House: So do Canadians--doesn't mean I want to date one.
Kutner: Saw Amber drop off Wilson this morning.
House: Yes. The male always drives the female.
Roz: She's a bisexual.
Kutner: What?
Roz: I could hear them talking from inside the MRI.
Kutner: Hear who? I heard the word "sex."
Roz: It was interesting.
Kutner: What was interesting?
Taub: Doesn't matter.
Kutner: We're doctors, we never know what's going to matter. She said "sex."
Kutner: Some geological equipment breaks ice and rock the same way we break kidney-stones. Uh, Discovery Channel. I like watching them blow stuff up.
House: Who doesn't?
House: Forget fat, think clots.
Kutner: No!
House: You're standing up to me?
Kutner: Maybe.
House: Just to clarify. You should do that when you're right. Sorry for the confusion.
Kutner: You guys mad at me?
Thirteen: Nope, you had no choice.
Kutner: Of course I had a choice. You had no choice once I made my choice.
Thirteen: And now I'm choosing not to be mad at you.
Kutner: Why?
Thirteen: 'Cause it'll drive House nuts.
Foreman: You think that'll make your lives better or worse?
House: You cost Cameron her job.
Taub: Cuddy wasn't supposed to find out.
House: No kidding. There's only one thing you can say to stop me from firing you.
Thirteen: Cameron wasn't fired.
House: Wrong.
Taub: We're sorry.
House: Wrong.
Kutner: I love you.
House:… Wrong.
Thirteen: This is a game? First we have to screw with our co-worker, and now we have to figure out what you want us to say?
This is insane, I'm not playing.
House: Right.
House: Go pay for my cable.
Kutner: No!
House: I didn't mean on this. Seriously, I need cable.
Thirteen: The point of the game was to scare us, telling us it’s over isn’t scary, therefore he has no reason to say that unless it’s true.
Kutner: Good, then can we do a Secret Santa?
House: I liked you better 15 seconds ago when you were afraid for your job.
Yay for professional defibrillists!
House: I fired you.
Kutner: No, you didn’t
Amber: He fired you. You're number 6.
Kutner: No, I'm number 9.
House: I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired.
House: Vitamin D is metabolized by both the liver and kidneys - it wouldn't tell us which one screwed up.
Kutner: We could get her wasted. Give her shots of tequila, measure how long it takes her to pass out. If it's too fast, it means her livers not processing alchohol, means it's shot.
House: I like you number 9.
Henry: We're not okay.
Amber: I get it. You don't like me because maybe I'm a little bit competitive.
Taub: Manipulative.
Kutner: "Cutthroat Bitch" is your official title.
Amber: It's a game. You can either play for fun or play to win. If you want to win, you want cutthroat.
Cole: No, thank you.
House: There are seven of you and only six roses.
Kutner: Those are peonies... (House stares at him) but I'm sure they're part of the rose family.
Taub: Why does he get to be Bosley?
Kutner: You want to be Bosley? Bosley’s like the asexual messenger boy.
Taub: Shouldn’t we be running?
Kutner: If it’s a cop, run. Security guard, I say we take him down.
Amber: What's going on?
Kutner: You're the favorite.
Amber: House's?
Kutner: To get fired.
House: So now you’ve electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.
Kutner: Thank you.
Taub: It wasn’t a compliment.
House: Yeah it was. The insult comes now: you’re insane! You either have an aversion to towels, or you want pain. I think both. I'm thinking it goes back to high school gym.
Kutner: The cultures were my idea.
House: No one's keeping score. You’re losing.
Cole: What would House do right now?
Thirteen: Pop a pill, insult us and trick the patient.
Kutner: We can do that last part. She's never met House before, has she? Who's got a cane?
Kutner: I have a sick guy. I saw this magician last night-
House: The girl’s fine. He didn’t really cut her in half.
House: I thought Amber scared you guys.
Kutner: She does. But she also has legs that go all the way up to Canada.
House: So do Canadians--doesn't mean I want to date one.
Kutner: Saw Amber drop off Wilson this morning.
House: Yes. The male always drives the female.
Roz: She's a bisexual.
Kutner: What?
Roz: I could hear them talking from inside the MRI.
Kutner: Hear who? I heard the word "sex."
Roz: It was interesting.
Kutner: What was interesting?
Taub: Doesn't matter.
Kutner: We're doctors, we never know what's going to matter. She said "sex."
Kutner: Some geological equipment breaks ice and rock the same way we break kidney-stones. Uh, Discovery Channel. I like watching them blow stuff up.
House: Who doesn't?
House: Forget fat, think clots.
Kutner: No!
House: You're standing up to me?
Kutner: Maybe.
House: Just to clarify. You should do that when you're right. Sorry for the confusion.
Kutner: You guys mad at me?
Thirteen: Nope, you had no choice.
Kutner: Of course I had a choice. You had no choice once I made my choice.
Thirteen: And now I'm choosing not to be mad at you.
Kutner: Why?
Thirteen: 'Cause it'll drive House nuts.
Foreman: You think that'll make your lives better or worse?
House: You cost Cameron her job.
Taub: Cuddy wasn't supposed to find out.
House: No kidding. There's only one thing you can say to stop me from firing you.
Thirteen: Cameron wasn't fired.
House: Wrong.
Taub: We're sorry.
House: Wrong.
Kutner: I love you.
House:… Wrong.
Thirteen: This is a game? First we have to screw with our co-worker, and now we have to figure out what you want us to say?
This is insane, I'm not playing.
House: Right.
House: Go pay for my cable.
Kutner: No!
House: I didn't mean on this. Seriously, I need cable.
Thirteen: The point of the game was to scare us, telling us it’s over isn’t scary, therefore he has no reason to say that unless it’s true.
Kutner: Good, then can we do a Secret Santa?
House: I liked you better 15 seconds ago when you were afraid for your job.
Yay for professional defibrillists!