David Horton: Yes, that sort of thing.
Geraldine Granger: And instead you got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom.
Alice: You can call me Alice.
Geraldine: Right.
Alice: Because it's my name.
David Horton: Owen, this is our new vicar.
Owen Newitt: No it isn't! She's a woman!
Geraldine Granger: Oh! You noticed! [Points to breasts] These are such a giveaway, aren't they?!
David Horton: Am I alone on Sundays in preferring not to shake hands with the malodorous creature in the next pew?
Jim Trott: No no no no... I quite like that bit.
David Horton: Let alone kiss them?
Jim Trott: I love that bit!
David Horton: We are, for once, all agreed. Songs of Praise is cheapening, shallow and ridiculous,[Turns to Hugo] Isn't it?
Hugo Horton: Oh yes. Very cheapening.
Mrs Cropley: Utterly shallow.
Frank Pickle: Totally ridiculous.
David Horton: Excellent. Well, let's have a vote on this shall we? Anybody in favour of letting the morons from TV land into our church?
[All council members except David raise their hands enthusiastically]
Owen Newitt: He's as doomed as a virgin on a date with Rod Stewart.
David Horton: Now, does anyone have any suggestions for the Gala Night?
Jim: No, no, no, no, yes! I saw this movie the other day: the Full Monty. So you just get some music, and I'll take all my clothes off.
David Horton: ...And that would be entertaining?
Jim: You'd certainly get your money's worth. I'll take my truss off and everything.
Jim: "No no no no no no no knowing me. No no no no no no no no knowing you, ah haaa. there is nothing we can do.
David Horton: Item two... The Cattle Show...
Jim: Are we having a Kettle Show?
Owen Newitt: I vote we kill him.
Letitia Cropley: I could poison him. No-one would ever know.
Letitia Cropley: "Care to try one, Mr. Chairman?
David Horton: No thank you. I'd sooner eat my own scrotum, Mrs. Cropley.
Cyril: He's like a young Pavorotti.
Gerry: But thinner.
Owen: And I've got more sheep.
Hugo: Just like the Spice Girls, Jesus wants us to tell Him what we want!
Gerry: What we really, really want!
Gerry: What's the capital of France?
Alice: "F!"
