Orange Is the New Black Recap: The Mother of All Premieres 

Who said ABC is the only network that could pull off #TGIT?

fans wait until Friday to begin their Season 3 binge, Netflix released all 13 episodes of the prison dramedy’s third go-round on Thursday evening.

In turn, we present a recap of what went down inside the barbed-wire gates of Litchfield Penitentiary during Episode 1.

Orange Is the New Black Inmates Preview Season 3’s ‘Raw’ Piper, ‘Contentious’ Sophia, Solo Suzanne

MOTHER KNOWS BEST…? | Now that Caputo is running things at the prison — in the absence of disgraced Figueroa — the new boss allows for a Mother’s Day celebration, in which the Litchfield moms can spend a day outdoors with their loved ones. As far as Litchfield parties go, this one might be the most creative yet. Using Tootsie Rolls from commissary as game prizes for the little ones?

. Making up Big Boo as the prison’s resident clown? A little creepy, but

Looking more closely at the actual family visits, though, the day isn’t as festive as the ladies may have hoped. There are silver linings to be found, don’t get me wrong: Sophia has a small victory with her son Michael, in which she tells the boy he must shave 

the grain, not against it, no matter what his mom’s new boyfriend has to say on the matter. And then there’s Pennsatucky who — after holding a small memorial service for her many unborn children — learns from Big Boo that her abortions, tragic though they may have been, actually contributed to a lower crime rate in America. (And if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t mind an entire episode that consists only of Big Boo teaching the inmates

But for every good visit the ladies have with their kids, there’s a more unfortunate Mother’s Day awaiting other inmates. The afternoon is perhaps most upsetting for Suzanne, who — after taking the celebration a bit too far at last year’s shindig — is banned from even going outside this time around. (This is particularly gut-wrenching after Vee’s [presumed] death, which Suzanne firmly denies throughout the episode. I hate to break it to you, girl, but Vee is anything

The afternoon is even rough for Officer Bennett, who is under the all-too-careful watch of Caputo after revealing he’s the one who really got Daya pregnant. Daya, Aleida and the whole gaggle of Diaz kids can’t even muster any laughter at Bennett’s (admittedly awful) Mother’s Day joke, and the officer spends most of the hour wandering around the prison grounds, trying to fit in. (Not unlike Matt McGorry’s

‘s beautifully done origin-story episodes, the premiere hour is a treat: Throughout the installment, we receive short visits from The Ghost of Mother’s Day Past, including flashbacks to the inmates’ childhoods. The vignettes, much like

itself, range from heartwarming (Poussey reading

with her late mama) to utterly WTF? (Officer Healy

‘THE BETTIE PAGE OF LITCHFIELD’ | Meanwhile, Piper — whose mom would rather celebrate Mother’s Day with her kids who

incarcerated — has an emotional reunion of her own: Alex Vause is back, sporting a gnarly black eye and only about 25 percent of her usual spunk. Now that Alex is in good ol’ Litchfield again for violating her parole with gun possession — an incident that she calls “so unbelievably embarrassing” — Piper is more than willing to snuggle with her on-again-off-again lover… and stops just short of telling Alex that she was the one who really landed Ms. Vause behind bars again. (Something tells me those makeout sessions in the chapel are going to come to a halt

* Daya receives a letter from Pornstache’s mom — who will be played by Mary Steenburgen — requesting a visit with the mother of what Mrs. Pornstache

is her soon-to-be-grandchild. Daya tries to keep the note from her mother, but Aleida — smelling the woman’s Greenwich, Conn., fortune from a mile away — snatches the letter when Daya’s not around.

to telling her, Red is still kept in the dark — by her well-meaning husband — that their shop in Queens has gone out of business.

* Despite the fact that Litchfield hasn’t even filled Caputo’s vacant position yet, the prison has hired a new corrections officer who has a habit of flirting with everyone she encounters.

‘s Season 3 premiere? Grade the episode in our poll below, then hit the comments with your thoughts on the premiere and beyond!

Netflix sure knows how to generate buzz! I’m enjoying the season so far for sure.

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