Okay, so this is a fic me and my friend wrote ages ago. No actually it's just some 5 years or so, but you know what I mean. Its English is just awful, 5 years ago we spoke (and especially wrote) a very very bad English full of various kinds of mistakes. I'm sorry about that in advance, but this is so stupid, and yet such a wonderful memory of mine too, I have to post it.. Hope you'll enjoy, or at least have a laugh at some parts. Here we go..

Of grass and stewed rabbit, that is how to smuggle drugs inside of dead rabbits?

Elrond: Elves and Men both have been living hard times recently. As for us, we can’t even afford window-glass. Especially that some persons bring their swords here to forge…
Legolas(thinks) : That’s true, shampoo is really expensive, I’ll run out of money soon, and I also gotta eat something…damn!
Aragorn(thinks): Fuck off, Elves still live better times than me. Shampoo smell is radiating from Legolas’s hair while I can’t even afford shower gel not to mention shampoo! Moreover, Arwen’s been paying condom for a month now…
Gimli (thinks): There might be something in this money-stuff. Bullshit, these trousers are tight for me. If I had money, I’d have them shaped to me.
Boromir (thinks): I should buy a new shield.
Frodo (thinks): And Hobbits??? I have no money for Veet cream for a year!
Elrond: We need to get money!
Gandalf: Nowadays money is in drugs…
Aragorn: That’s it! Let’s run drugs for Theoden! Everyone is rich in Rohan.
Boromir: You dolt! Westfold is burning! The border guards have occupied it!
Legolas: He is no dolt! He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. And you owe him too…
Elrond: One question still remains. Who will do it?
Frodo: I WILL DO IT!
Aragorn/Legolas/Gimli: You have my sword./ And you have my bow /And my axe.

And so they go.
1st pause: Gollum turns up.
Legolas: Aragorn, nad no ennas! (Something is out there)
Aragorn: Man cenich? (What do you see?)
Gandalf: It’s Gollum. He has been following us for three days. He is also addicted, ya know.

2nd pause: Gollum’s joined. Sam is cooking.
Gollum: Look, look! See what Smeagol finds! Little rabbits. Tender and nice! Yes they are. Eat them, eat them!
Aragorn: Of course we won’t! We’ll hide the drug inside them.
Gollum: Argh! What’s he doing! Stupid little king! He ruins it!
Gandalf: Don’t worry, Gollum! My staff is also full.
Gimli: Behind Legolas’s ears there’s space for some –
Gollum:..packets.

3rd pause. At the border.
Aragorn: Guys! Do we have passports?
Legolas: No, I’m afraid. Can anybody scratch one?
Aragorn: Ya see, I told ya to bring Arwen. – I would also enjoy myself…
Elrond appears.
Elrond: I come on behalf of one whom I love. Arwen is dying. We have no money for medicine. But she has scratched your passports.
Gimli: Very handy in a tight spot, the old chick is, despite she’s dead.
Aragorn: I would cut off your head – dwarf- if it stood but a little higher from the ground… Ok, drop it, let’s go!

The border.
Orc: I cannot allow you before King Theoden so armed. (Because he can kill for drugs). Anyway, passport control!
They hand the passports.
Aragorn (thinks): This photo doesn’t fit to a king. My nose looks way too large.
Legolas (thinks): In this picture my hair hasn’t been washed at least for a half day.
Gimli (thinks): Cameras make you seem fat.
Gandalf (thinks): Oh, what a nice beard I have!
Orc: Weapons!..Your staff!...And the rabbit!
Gandalf: Eh? Oh. No, you would not part an old man from his walking stick?
Legolas: …and a little dog from his bunny? (points at Gollum)
Gollum: Mew-mew. Oh, I fucked it up…that’s a cat, prescious..
Orc: Okay then, you can pass

Gandalf: The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late, King Théoden. We have brought a present for you. For good cash you’ll even get it.
They show it.
Theoden: I know your face, little bunny.
Theoden pays.
Gandfalf: Your fingers would remember their old strength better — if they grasped my staff. Of course, pay first.
Later.
They share the money.
Gandalf: The smell of this stew is familiar.
Aragorn: I wonder what she has made it of.
Gandalf: It’s been a long time since I last used drugs….maybe it’s why I feel sick…
Aragorn: Oh, God! She has put our rabbits into it. It’s shit. Arwen cooks better.
Gandalf: Oh, Éowyn…stupid bitch. Theoden kills her if his rabbits disappear.
Elsewhere.
Theoden: ÉOWYN!!! WHERE ARE THE RABBITS?!
Éowyn: Fuck off, old man, I’ve made such a brilliant stew of them!
Theoden: Éowyn! Now I can pay Aragorn again! Additionally they’ll ask for danger allowance because of your food.
Éowyn: Whaaat??? What do you mean?
Theoden: It was not Theoden of Rohan who ran the drug here. I need it. Otherwise I would tread your gastronomy ambitions into the ground!
Wormtongue: Your stew is poison.


So once again Theoden is safe thanks to the Powerpuff Girls (in this case to the Fellowship of the Drug). They shared the money. Aragorn bought condom and anti baby pills from it, Legolas went for a wellness weekend, Gimli went to the dress maker and the fitness center, the halflings for a laser depilation and Gandalf won Best Staff of Middle-Earth Award (paid down the jury actually).