Twilight Series Article: A Twilight Hater's Review of New Moon

12

posted by shieldmaiden

The wolf clan was kinda awesome, except for the crappy animation and the fact that they're allergic to shirts.

Okay, I'll admit that I haven't laughed this hard at a film since I saw The Hangover last summer. Seriously, what was the plot here? I actually found the first film to be much better than this travesty. You can find my review of the first movie link. I'll go through it like I do with all movies. Pros and cons, then an overall.

Pros

The Volturi

Finally! Some ACTUAL vampires!! The Volturi I found were pretty awesome because, you know, they actually were cruel, soulless, mean, and did some actual VAMPIRING. The part towards the end where a tour group of humans is led directly to them and you hear their screams was pretty awesome. Come on people, that's what vampires do. They drink the blood of huuumans. Sheesh. Also, they were pretty cruel too, what with the whole smack down of Edward and nearly killing Bella (so bummed that didn't happen). Getting a small glimpse of the actor who will be playing Grindelwald in Deathly Hallows was a nice bonus too. So for all you Twilight fans, the Volturi are GOOD examples of vampires. Much like the soulless vampires on Buffy.

The Wolf Clan

Now why I didn't particularly enjoy the crappy computer animation of the wolves (more on that later) I did enjoy the characters of the wolf clan. The one scene that I really liked is where we see Sam's fiance, with half her face clawed up. My friend and I definitely agree that even with the claw marks she was amazingly beautiful. I would see a movie about her and Sam in a heartbeat. It would be much much better than this terrible film. Pity they were stuck in it.

Jacob

Lautner got hot. No denying that. Other than the hotness factor though, he was probably the only real character with any dimensions and depth besides Bella's father. The way their relationship built to where Jacob fell for Bella, and she pretty much for him, was very realistic and healthy. So you can imagine my dissappointment when she chose Edward, who abandoned, controlled, and basically led to much of her depression, over Jacob. You Team Jacob fans, I now consider you semi-sane because you recognized a HEALTHY relationship. Props to you guys.

Cons

Bella...you there?

I hate the character of Bella, I truly do. She doesn't think for herself, is defined solely by her relationships, and for some reason Stewart could NEVER SHUT HER MOUTH. Even when she wasn't talking!! What was up with that?! Gaah. The fact too that she dissed her friends at school and put her dad through so much crap with the screaming at night (seriously, wtf, she doesn't have PTSD) made me just loathe her character even more with a passion. Furthermore, her whole obsession over age was just ridiculous. Ohhh nooo you're a whole year older than your 107 year old vampire boyfriend!! Now he's not going to love you anymore!!! Yea, stupid. Those fans out there that idolize her, please find a healthier role model such as Eowyn, Hermione, heck even Lily on How I Met Your Mother. Bella is a very unhealthy and psychologically unstable character and is an insult to females everywhere. She didn't even drive her own car most of the time! Disgusting.

How is she special too btw?

If someone can explain how Bella is unaffected by any of the vampire's powers, it'd be much appreciated. That just seems like something that's just thrown out there. My theory? It's because Bella has no thoughts!

Edward...dude wtf?!

Sooo this guy that supposedly is totally in love with you throws you into a glass table for protection, lies to you, breaks up with you, and abandons you in the forest. A car ride home would have been nice plskthnx. Also, the throwing into the glass table for her protection? That was totally safe. You know, because she was bleeding even more profusely after the table than she was after the papercut. Also, who has ever bled that much after a papercut anyways, if at all? Furthermore, the fact that he kept "appearing" everytime Bella had an adrenaline rush was just weird. I think if my ex-boyfriend started showing up everytime I had a rush, I'd go and get a CT of my brain to make sure I didn't have a brain tumor a la Izzie seeing Denny b/c of her tumor. Also, the fact that Bella takes him right back after all the crap he put her through was just great. Really shows girls that hey, after a guy lies to you like that you can totally trust him again with no really good explanation other than "I love you". Nice.

OMG a Plot Point!!!

Annd what was the plot?? Everytime a possible plot point appeared it seemed to get derailed, such as the shots of Victoria, Laurent, or whenever anyone said Bella was acting crazy. If anyone spoke reason or a plot point appeared, it did not show again.

Lupin's Wolf Looked Better...

The film must have had the world's worst computer animation department because those wolves were a travesty. How about those transf...I mean FURSPLOSIONS eh? Really bad animation coupled with a laughable transformation sequence (FURSPLODE!) led to even more laughs. Too bad there weren't enough fursplosions.

That's What She Said!

There were way too many lines in the film where one could easily say that. For example- Bella: I'm coming! Me: That's what she said! Edward: I don't want you to come! Me: That's what HE said!! If you don't get the meaning behind that, then please go watch The Office where it is regularly utilized. Furthermore, the scene where Edward kisses Bella in front of her truck after the party was too funny. Edward acted like...well like link SNL skit. Please be forewarned that that link is meant for those 16 and older. That scene probably got one of the biggest laughs out of me.

Blocked

Finally, all the kiss-blocking that poor Jacob suffered through. Face Punch high school guy who threw up at an action movie (he's so gay then), Bella denies, and Edward calls just as he macks on the upper lip! Seriously, Jacob should have just pulled an Owen (Grey's Anatomy character), grabbed Bella, and just rocked her world. Doubt she woulda left if he did that.

Overall

Overall, this movie was a travesty to the film community. It was plotless, very poorly acted, and featured a very unhealthy set of characters that girls and women alike should not look up to as role models. Bella should have been thrown in a psych center for the stuff she was experiencing. I'm not going to apologize either if I've offended anyone. This is my honest opinion, and I know I wasn't as kind as I was in my first review. Now you've heard an opinion of an anti-Twilighter. You Team Jacobers, you got some respect from me now. Please save your brain cells and your money and do not see this movie. Unless you want a really good laugh then by all means do. Oh and one more thing to note. The ending with the whole Marry me? Ending on the *gasp* garnered a huge laugh from our audience. And just for my own satisfaction, FURSPLODE TIME!!

No plot and many opportunities for "That's what she said!" abound in this film. Also, Edward during this kiss is very reminiscent of a certain SNL skit.

Poor Jacob kept getting blocked and denied. In the end, Bella chooses the unhealthy relationship with Edward based on looks rather than the healthy one with Jacob based on the initial strong friendship.

xoPixie-Popxo, groovychicklisa and 10 others like this

rachaelwsz Lol. You've got great points there. But personally, I felt that the New Moon movie was better. What made me really dislike the Twilight movie was the terribly crappy script. (Think the spider monkey lines.) Oh, not forgetting the very disappointing special effects. (Sparkles- FAIL!) Btw, I've linked your article to the [url=http://www.fanpop.com/spots/critical-analysis-of-twilight] Critical Analysis of Twilight[/url] spot, better known as the CAT spot. ;) Check out the spot if you haven't.

shieldmaiden Didn't know that existed! Thanks! I've joined :) And the only reason that I found the first movie slightly better (by a very very small margin) than this one is because there was some semblance of a plot present. Not much though, but if you looked it was kinda there.

OCFan123 After reading this article...I really love you :) But I agree with rachelwsz, I thought this movie was better. But thats just me.

rachaelwsz @shieldmaiden I would agree with you about the weak plot presence in the New Moon movie. But if I were to compare both the movies, I still think New Moon was better overall. The CAT spot rules. ;)

XDRoseLuvsHP Haha, if you thought the movie was bad, you should see the book! E.P.I.C.F.A.I.L. Love the review :D

Impulse85 I love the fact that you made the Volturi part of the Pro part of the movie, b/c honestly, that's the only reason I went to go see the movie. I love the Volturi, they're a great set of characters that got caught in a crappy and pointless book. That's a shame to, they really should have a spin off. I'd buy that book!!!

14

Letters From Edward Chapter 13

posted by team_robward

Chapter 13.
Monday, Comes Quick:

I actually woke up quite refreshed, which was strange, especially lately. I got up and walked down into the kitchen.
“Mourning Bells, you’re looking better today” Renee commented.
“Thanks, I feel better” I replied. I looked at the table hmm toast.
“I haven’t had toast in ages” I said buttering some toasted bread.
“Yeah, I felt like it” Mum replied. I spread some strawberry jam on my toast and started to eat it.
“Good dreams?” Mum asked.
“Umm I think so, I don’t quite remember!” I chewed some more.
“Well you didn’t scream or cry so that’s...

10

bella's life part 1

posted by edwardcullen865

I woke up in a rash movement . I couldn't remember what had happened last night. I remembered only Edward's hard, cold body against mine and then it went blank. I walked into the living room looking for Edward but i didn't see him. then i felt cold arms around me .
" Good morning love how did you sleep ?" Edward said with so much love in his voice .
" What happened ? " I said still confused .I turned myself to look at him . He looked confused , hurt , pained , and sad , then it became calm.
" What do you remember last , my love ? " He said still confused as of i was .
" Well , i remember...

4

Bella's Secret Life Chapter 1

posted by demilovatirocks

Joe and Sonny(Demi)

Guys I know some of you don’t read this that much because you think it is kinda boring to you but it is a great story just if I don’t get more views and comments I will not write.
I have not written because my sister gave birth. I am an aunt now. I needed to help them get ready to go to Pennsylvania to see her mom. The baby is a boy. My sister and I have the same father but not the same mother. My aunt gave birth, too.

Bella moved back to California with her friends. The Jonas family knows the Cullen family in case you get confused. Bella as a vampire can collect the power of other vampires...

7

Sunrise Part 46

posted by Bella_Swan3

A/N: I just wanted to thank all of the awesome people that have so far commented on Sunrise. *Deep breath*:
Edward_lover101; _madz_; twilightGGlost; TwiyliytCraze247; 2ki8jess2ki8; teamalice_0; pie-102; aLeX-cHaP; isaacson96; wildcatz; nataliespn; FilmFan; MiaCullen_x; just_bella; JoseVanders; brooki; jasperloving; patrisha727; Doopey; Irina92; Bella11700; TwilightHearts; Bella_Cullen902; scogburn; RATHBONE07; princesspinkla; jamiesue00;SarahPattinson; Natalia94; renesmeblack; g3u16; BellaSwan636; and Swhit2 (BTW: The idea for your story sounds great! Thank you, especially.)

I you actually had...

8

eternal night part 24

posted by _madz_

about time!! lol
i'm so sorry, i planned to spend much more time on this bit but my homework has caught up with me and i had to work 9 hours today, so i was a little short of time. hope you enjoy it anyway :)

part 23
“Well, about that...See, I found that...when I was doing something dangerous or stupid...I could remember you more clearly.” She said, looking like she was confessing to murder. “I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were right there next to me. Mostly I tried not to think about you, but this didn’t hurt so much—it was...

9

An Edward Cullen Story - Chapter 2

posted by Bella_Cullen902

Hey guys!!! Sorry i havent updated in a w2gile but my sister is moving into a collage and i had to go to the doctor and i couldnt type or write with my right hand and i'm right handed!! So that sucked!! So here we go!! to the story!!

One minuate i was on the last step to my seat then i was on the ground with all of the girls on top of me!!! I swear i hate riding the bus!! And this is exactly why!!! Gosh!!!

When we got to school i walked in the doors and ran over to my best friend Jared. He was in his desk drawing a picture for a girl that he has a crush on named Baily.

Baily was pretty but we...

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New New Moon, 9

posted by renesmeblack

OOOOO!
Jacob came to the rescue! Now to continue the story.
.
..
...
....
.....
......

I was tearing at the female, also taking note of Bella's faint heartbeat. The female shreiked, and tried to throw me off. When she did, she tore out of the house with pieces missing from a leg. I followed her.
"No! I'll kill her the first chance I'll get," she screamed. "You can't guard her forever! You'll see!"
She ran into the trees, me in hot pursuit.
Sam, need a little help, I thought, hoping he was in wolf form.
Where are you? was Sam's thought. He was.
The old Cullen's place. Bella might be... I couldn't bear the...

9

Renesmee Black's Story, Chapter 10

posted by renesmeblack

10. Discovery
Jacob

I spent the last three days watching the babies, trying to figure out what else they can do. I've descovered that since they have both vampire and werewolf genes, they developed faster than Renesmee did. During an "experiment," I told Casper to sit in another room and try to attack me from across the hall.
The cold wave hit me about three seconds later.
"Daddy, I can't get into Bella's mind!" Karrie once thought to me. They took on Renesmee's habit of calling everyone by their names.
"Karrie, stop trying so hard. Bella has a sheild," I told her.
"Like Jeffery?" Karrie asked, surprised....

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Letters From Edward Chapter 10

posted by team_robward

Chapter 10.
Shopping Around:

We got out and Gemma locked the car behind us. We started walking towards the mall doors. As we started getting closer I could see Mia, Dean, Phoebe, Marissa and some other boys I didn’t recognise standing outside the side door. Laughing and smoking.
“Uh, let’s go” I looked at them, and then quickly looked away. We started walking, a little faster than we normally would. I kept my eyes straight ahead focusing only in front of me, but in the corner of my eye I saw Gemma look towards them. Why, Gemma, why? I thought to myself. I picked up my pace, Gemma seemed...

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Renn and Jakes life chapter 13.

posted by WritenOnTheSand

As uncle Emmett is carring me towards the front door, I realize a place that i can go and still be with Jake.

"Uncle Emmett I know where you can take me can you just let me tell Jake?" I ask looking up at his auburn eyes.

"Go on." He says aas he lightly sets me down.

"Thanks." I yell back at him as I run towards Jakes room. I start to get the excited feeling you get when you get a great idea and you just can't stop your self from bursting.

"Where are you going Nessie?" My mom asks as she steps into the hallway.

"Can't talk now Mom, I have an idea to state."

"You have a what to what?" She asks...

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Precious Enchantment (esme's story) Chapter 7

posted by Edward_Bella234

Just so you all know, this and maybe one more chapter will be the last of the chapters all be posting on this spot. I will be posting them on my spot only. It's called Edward_Bella234 if you want to join and continue reading these. Here is the link:

link

Any way, onto the story...
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
End of Chapter 6

“Oh yum,” John said reaching for a cinnamon roll “That looks delicious, Carol!”
“Thank you, John” my mother replied. “Esme, can you go get some eggs from the hen house?...

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moonshining night/day part 5

posted by leisha4

hey ive done the next part. i think that carrie ann said that sue and charlie got married in the book which would be carried on from the end of BD. i hope you enjoy this and i isnt too long but it was all i could write in half an hour.

part 4
Jacob called 5 minuets later “what was the rush?” I asked.
“Bella?” he asked. “Yes?” I responded. “Edwards going to kill me.”
“Probably depends why?”
"Nessies has been kidnapped by the Volturi.”
“What?” I shouted, and then abruptly ended the call and rushed out the house. I needed air...
could my day get any worse??

Part 5
I didn’t...

9

Starless Dusk Chapter 4, Partial

posted by KrystenPeres

4. Defenseless
    Dylan and I walked to Carols. He was stiff, and walked like he was in the military. I tried to push in front of his and skip the rest of the distance to the house, but he walk almost making himself block me. I sighed and paced myself to match him. When we got to the house, Dylan rang the bell, once.
        “You see, she’s not here, let’s just go back. I’ll cook dinner.” He said while turning from the door. He’d only waited for a hundredth of a second.
        “Relax...

8

Starless Dusk Chapter 2

posted by KrystenPeres

Dylan (Matt Dallas) and Gianna (Krysten Peres)

2. The In-Laws

The rest of the 'Cullen Clan' lived down the road. Their house was the largest, by far. It was almost 6 times the size of Dylan and my house. It was modern and new, with its boxy shapes and its glass walls, it didn't belong here. It seemed like it belonged in the hills of L.A..
"Wow. It's beautiful..." I gawked.
"My parents built it when we moved her a year ago. My mother, Esme, designed it." Edward explained.
"She designer it!?" I gasped.
"She is very talented..." Bella added.
"Alright, alright, let's go inside now." Edward said quietly.
"Okay." Bella said softly. She grabbed...

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Nightfall (A Sequel to Dusk) Chapter 17: Awakening (Nessie's POV)

posted by lovethecullens

Chapter 17: Awakening Nessie’s POV

    My eyes slowly opened. I noticed that I could see a tiny bit clearer and my sense of smell was a little more finely tuned. I didn’t feel exhausted or weak anymore and there was no pain. I looked down in a panic, I was wearing different clothes and my stomach was flat. That is when I realized that I must be dead.
“Renesmee?” Jacob asked his voice breaking
    As I sat up in confusion he was at my side. He was looking at me so strangely.
    “Oh god, did you die too Jake?” I gasped at...

5

Secret Untold-Settling in-Part 4

posted by 1twilight_lover

Edward’s POV

About 10 minutes after Bella left Alice and Jasper pulled up. ‘Why is Jasper in the Ferrari?’ ‘Where is Bella?’ ‘What took Alice so long?’
“Jasper where is Bella” Emmett asked
“She said I could take the Ferrari and she would fix the bike” He answered
“Alice what took you so long” Rose asked
“I saw Bella, so I turned around to see what was wrong” She said. We started to get the boxes out and after 2 minutes when the boxes were out of the car, Bella pulled up. I was amazed she could where stilettos and ride that bike. Alice was just glad she didn’t ruin...

8

Sunrise Part 40

posted by Bella_Swan3

-Renesmee-

I was now the human equivalent of six months pregnant, and watching a small grey shape moving on a monitor. My child. My little baby.

My mom, Esme, and Jacob were here with me too. Aside from Carlisle, of course.

"There he is. Speaking of which, I presume you and Jacob would like to know the gender?" Carlisle asked. I didn't immediately answer. I was too mesmerized.

"Renesmee?" Jacob asked me.
"Yes," I managed to say.

"You have a little girl. Well, not yet, but you will."

A little girl.

Esme sighed contentedly, almost as fascinated as I was.

From downstairs, Alice squealed.

Alice had...

7

Jacob Black-My sexy werwolf

posted by AdaLove

**Jacob was born to Billy and Sarah Black. Sarah died in a car crash when he was very young. Jacob remembers Bella from when they were younger, though she does not remember him.**

**********Twilight*************

He has a small but very important role in this book. After Bella Swan flirts with him (as a way to get information),
he introduces the idea of Edward Cullen being a vampire by telling her Quileute legends. According to Stephenie Meyer via her official website, Jacob was originally just a device to tell Bella about the "Cold Ones".However, both she and her editor liked Jacob so much that...

8

Renesmee Black's Story, Chapter 2

posted by renesmeblack

2
Renesmee

How could he? The love of my life, now ready to rip the thing I feel I MUST keep away from me. I could hear sobs outside the door. I could hear sobs inside this room. We were both hurt. Before he closed the door, I threw something unthinkingly at him. It's now outside with him right now. It's something that probably hurt him more than anything else in the whole world. It was my ring. I was now crying. I felt naked without it. My heart felt ripped to shreds. It felt like a werewolf clawed at it. It probably looked like the half of Emily's face, only it may never heal.

Jacob

I started...

19

Kayla's Secret, Chapter 32

posted by twilight-7

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
I half opened my eyes, wondering what the hell was beeping so loudly.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Was that my alarm? I reached out to turn it off. I didn’t need to wake up; I had no school to go to. I touched a square box that was way too big to be my alarm and didn’t feel like anything that should be in my room.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
I opened my eyes fully and almost screamed when I saw where I was. I wasn’t in my room. I was in a room but it wasn’t mine. It was too clean and full of medical equipment. I was in hospital. There was a drip next to...