Let’s start from the beginning. 1997! Square Enix, known as just Square at the time, has just released Final Fantasy VII, the game that took the world by storm. It was a game that changed how video games should be with cinematography and deep characters all within a 3D environment. The game became a legend among the video game scene, an entry point for people to get into the Final Fantasy franchise or just RPGs in general, and would leave it’s mark on gaming history. But everyone was left with questions about the world. Characters and groups that were filled with so much mystery and how they are involved in all this. So began the Compilation of Final Fantasy VII in 2004, a project to create different Final Fantasy games in the world of Final Fantasy VII to piece the narrative together, be it in prequel form, sequel form, or some meanwhile scenarios. And we got what we wanted in expanding the world… and we regretted it. Really fucking hard. Before Crisis came out on mobile phones, a prequel that followed The Turks. Japan only. Advent Children followed suit, a movie about the after events that was a real disaster following emo Cloud. Last Order. I don’t even fucking remember this one. Crisis Core, following Zach in a prequel on the events leading to the Nibelheim incident. Featuring guest star Gackt as Genesis, FFVII lore posion and a terrible character. And then we get to the game I am discussing today. Final Fantasy: Dirge of Cerberus, following the events after FFVII after Midgar is ruined and follows the character Vincent Valentine as he is on a quest to discover the secrets of Shinra. Now I would just like to say that this review will make absolutely no sense unless you played or are familiar with the lore of Final Fantasy VII. Just VII. Don’t worry. The others are their own thing. So with that knowledge in mind, I will be looking at this from the point of view of Final Fantasy VII. This review will also contain MASSIVE SPOILERS for this game and Final Fantasy VII. So you have been warned. I always loved Final Fantasy VII. It was the game that got me into RPGs and knowing there was more to it made me really happy. And then I looked into more of the story and I regretted it. But, you readers voted for a Dirge of Cerberus review and with the Final Fantasy VII Remake continuing the Compilation of Final Fantasy VII with new stories and even bringing back the villain of Dirge of Cerberus in the recent trailer, as recent as of the time this is written, then I thought now would be a good time to check out Dirge of Cerberus and see how it holds up……… This is going to be painful



So as stated before, the game starts technically during the evacuation of Midgar near the climax of FFVII, with Vincent and Yuffie escorting survivors as Vincent hunts down the mad doctor Hojo, only to find his body. Cut to some time later, and Vincent is still searching for what really happened in Shinra, discovering all sorts of secrets, like that they had a secret underground operation for a different kind of Soldier experiment, that they had kept this underwraps and it involves the vicious group known as Deepground, and that Shinra president Ruffis had no idea of its existence, which is bullshit. The guy who is literally the most evil businessman and a step up from his dad wouldn’t know or be down for more human experimenting for loyal soldiers? Fuck off with that. But before we get anywhere else, I want to start with the tutorial. Well, the corridors are so tight together and they make the jumping nauseating, and the camera is always stuck behind walls as it follows you. Plus the dull, ugly grey of the factory interior is something I do not like. I always hate settings like this. But, hey, maybe it’s just one setting like this and never again. There is no way they would keep this theme of level design running for the whole game. On that note, Vincent in a suit looks really sick. Seeing him take out enemies with slide kicks in this nice suit, it makes me think of Killer7 or Gungrave, other fun shooters that were on the PS2 and I was wondering if this game would be the same. And this game… Is not!
I will say, the cutscenes are really nice for the PS2 era. The FMV cutscenes. The second it goes into in-game cutscenes, it's like whiplash seeing the more crusty visuals of the in-game graphics. Ew, I hate it. I know graphics don’t make the game, but the game sucks, so it deserves to be mocked for its appearance. And the environments are always these tight factories, dilapidated buildings, destroyed cities, and they are all brown or grey. I get that Final Fantasy VII was set in a dying world where the city runs the place, but even Midgar had some style to it. Neon lights lighting the place up, big signs that advertised things, colorful characters and stuff. You even go out into the wilds and it’s just a brown dirt desert and it looks ugly. Speaking of ugly, your cursor. It is so garrish and so massive. It takes up like most of the screen, and even still, when you shoot someone, it can still miss. Sometimes it has a chance of doing critical damage, but I barely notice the difference. Enemies still go down all the same. And with all the ammo you can buy or pick up, ammo is never an issue, especially when you get multiple guns. And speaking of the gun play, the actual gameplay. Once again, like in the tutorial, the camera gets stuck on anything if you are in a tight place, and it makes it sickening to try and maneuver around it. Like an actual maze only the walls keep closing in. But when you get to fight enemies, you get to fire a bullet. Wait one second. Fire again. Rinse and repeat until everyone is dead. But that’s just in the first part. After a while, you can upgrade your weapons and change them to get a different outcome, which is nice, but you’re still just doing the same thing with a different fire rate. Very rarely did I do anything other than run around in a circle and keep hitting the fire button. Sometimes, just sometimes, I would do the melee attack. It is a three hit combo and that is it. Sometimes a three hit AIR combo. Wow, slow down there, Devil May Cry. But there’s also the Limit Break. In Final Fantasy VII, when Vincent activated his Limit Break and got more and more different varieties to it, it felt really good. But in this game, not only does it feel not fun at all with how he slides around the place and bosses cna just dip the fuck out of the arena while your Limit timer is shrinking and being wasted, but they only give you one Limit Break. Maybe two if you count the final part of the game. There were like four other Limit Breaks in the original game and now you just get this one, that slides all over the place when trying to do a basic move and is more useful as a free heal than anything else. So gun combat is boring and melee combat is boring. That doesn’t even include the trope heavy elements in the gameplay that this game has. Find keys, escort the child, stealth mission with Cait Sith, watch innocent people die with funny mascot Cait Sith (That is not a joke. That really happened). A fucking turret section. A fucking sewer level. A fucking annoying child character with a monotone voice. But look, the gameplay is not perfect… or good. And the tedium wears on after a while. But Final Fantasy is known for its story. The stories in these games are some of the best in video games. Surely Dirge of Cerberus is good. Well, this blind optimism means no. It’s not.
So look, I will give credit where credit is due. I admire the fact that they are trying to give more spotlight to characters like Vincent and Yuffie and Reeve. Reeve was kind of shafted through the original game as he was controlling Cait Sith throughout without time for himself. And Vincent and Yuffie were optional characters that you could miss entirely. I know I never found them when I played the game, so when I did discover them later on, I was so shocked. I mean, Yuffie is like… really annoying. Like even so much to the point where an annoying asshole like myself can’t stand her. But Vincent manages to pick up the slack by being voiced by Steve Blum. Yes, really. I was shocked too. But even still, it’s really all about Vincent as he struggles to find out about his past and what Deepground is up to. Also Deepground is there. All with the most heavy love for bondage kinks and designed by everyone’s favorite big shoe man, Tetsuya Nomura. Now I joke, but Nomura is not a bad artist. You all know him best as the Kingdom Hearts director and artist. And while his characters are very, very obviously Nomura, they do have a style to them I like. Heck, even some of the character designs I like. Uh, not Shelke. I hate Shelke. Worst character. Very monotone. Very moody. Somehow more so than Vincent. Somehow really uninteresting despite being at the center of the plot. Please die. Some of the Deepground guys are at least something. Rosso the Crimson, for being a discount Olga from Metal Gear Solid 2, at least has motives, and a character, something other than “I hate the world” or “I hate my family” or “Vincent Valentine”, but she is sadly not around long enough. Or even Shalua, this scientist whose body has been damaged, losing an arm and an eye just to help her trash sister, is actually a fun character. She doesn’t brood, she actually feels something, like regret. Like just seeing someone who acts like a person was a breathe of fresh air. And when he died, I felt something. Not immense sadness, but fuck, SOMETHING. More than I got from any point in this story. Because when the game isn’t hitting you over the head with brooding and 2000s edge, it’s hitting you over the head with inconsistencies and retcons.
Why are the Limits Breaks other people? Why do they always cut back to the stupid tree to explain things between Vincent and Lucretzia? Why can Shelke just hack into the planet to stop Omega? Why did Hojo just upload is brain to the fucking internet to mock people? Why do I care about Weiss, this white haired dickhead who is the actual worst villain ever, who is doing his own thing but since Hojo’s plans got far, he just picks up the slack anyway and goes with it? Why do all the Final Fantasy cast just show up to have an actual “The power of friendship” moment that makes me want to die? How can you have the power of friendship when this game can’t be fucked to put Red XIII with the group? Why the fuck did I waste twelve years of my life playing this game?
Guys, I gotta be real with you. This one fucking hurt to play. I had no fun with this game. Not a bit. This is actually the worst so far. Yes, I mean that. Worse than Trigger Man. At least Trigger Man, for as terrible as it is, got a reaction out of me. It made me feel something. Dirge of Cerberus was nothing but boredom and it was twelve hours long. When I was playing a session that made me feel like I was there for hours, it turns out I was only there for fourty five minutes and I wanted to kill myself. Twelve hours of the same walking in grey buildings or battlefield, shooting the gun at the same enemies. The only time I enjoyed anything was when there was a call back to Final Fantasy VII. Like hey. Remember those turtle guys in the sewer? Or hey, remember Shinra Manor? Wasn’t that fun. There’s even Vincent’s coffin. Fun times. But no, I had no fun. Dirge of Cerberus is easily the worst game I played. Trigger Man was at least over in two hours. Dirge of Cerberus is twelve hour tedium and it actually made me fall asleep. I never had that experience with a game before. But this game actually put me to sleep. Even the bullshit near the end, even that wasn’t enough to anger me. I was just checked out by the end and begging the game to end.
So, uh, yeah, fuck you all for voting for this. Making a poll was a mistake. Diplomacy was a mistake and Kim-Jong had the right idea when he told his people not to vote. In all seriousness, I do appreciate all of you voting for this and wanting to check this review out. I know it’s not as lengthy as I would like it to be, but god, there’s only so many times I can say “Game bad” or “Dull and boring”. So yeah, obviously Bottom of the Barrel material. I would say I am nervous that they want to continue the Dirge of Cerberus storyline, but honestly, truly they can’t fuck it up more than this. Square has managed to make decent action games in recent memory with other Final Fantasy games. If they make Dirge of Cerberus anything like a Devil May Cry, that would be really fun. The story would probably still suck, but at least it would be a fun mess. But yeah, that was Dirge of Cerberus. More like….. Bad…. got em.