A single drop of sweat from Chuck Norris was found to quench the thirst of an entire african village for 23 straight days. Subsequently, an olympic athlete from that village was disqualified from his event for testing positive for performance enhancing drugs.

Chuck Norris can read lady Gaga's poker face.

Chuck Norris says the alphabet faster backwards then you can say it fowards.

When Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he doesn't dream he lives it.

In an alternate universe, Chuck Norris is just a myth. However, he pwns people there anyways.

When Chuck Norris drinks beer, the beer gets drunk.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris, but usually they grow up to be killed by Chuck Norris.

If you type Chuch Norris in your GPS, It'll lead you to a roundhouse kick to the face!

When Chuck was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" Chuck received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

The reason Superman changes outfits so fast in the phone booth is because Chuck Norris needed to make a call.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

Chuck Norris likes heavy metal, his bed is made of iron.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, cars look both ways.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag , he potatoe sacks.

Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.


The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a condom because theres no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can run a 3-legged race by himself.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

Tough men eat nails. Chuck Norris does all his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris can beat a black hole in tug of war.

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.

If you swallow a quarter and Chuck Norris round house kicks you in the stomach you will crap out two dimes and a nickel.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Chuck Norris cures his headaches with cyanide.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there is no signs of life.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon

Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Everyt ime Chuck Norris steps outside, the doomesday clock ticks forward.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

In the early 70's Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a fight. With just one round house kick to the face, Arnold hasn't talked the same ever since

When Chuck Norris goes out to eat, he gets the whole chicken, but only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris isn't given tests, he TAKES them.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.