Episode 4 of my fan fictional PoM Fourth season!
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"The Penguins of Madagascar"
Season 4, Episode 4
Production code: 404
Air Date: ?
Previous: "Seeing Red", next: "It Happened One Afternoon"
Note: This episode is a 45 minute special.
I Smell a Rat/Transcript
Scene I: The Sewers
(Rat King is pacing impatiently)
(Rat #1 is watching, holding a clip board)
Rat King: Dudes, we /seriously/ need some new material! (air quotes) “Spreading disease” and (air quotes) “Gnawing on stuff” and (air quotes) “Digging through garbage” ain’t gonna cut it no more.
(Rat #1 scratches those off the list on his clipboard)
Rat King: Is there anything else anyone can think of that we need?
Rat #1: We need new carpeting. The old one’s getting moldy.
Rat King: (waves a dismissive hand) Add that to the list too. But, like I was saying; this stuff is what rats have been doing for centuries. It’s cliché! And besides that, we need food, and those old ideas aren’t gonna get us a scrap of anything edible.
Rat #2: We could always raid the zoo for food.
Rat # 1: (Stops writing) Yeah! Two birds with one stone. We get more food, and we get revenge on the penguins by stealing food!
Rat King: Don’t even get me started on them! They’re the reason why we don’t have fresh food anymore! And the reason why out carpets are growing moldy, to boot. But it’s an awesome plan! I like it!
Rat # 3: Can I pick the carpet color this time?
Rat King: No, because I know you’re gonna pick that ugly dark blue, and I hate that color. So, dudes, let’s get started!
(A whirring is heard from off-screen)
(Blowhole enters)
Blowhole: I can do much more than starve those stupid peng-yoo-ins, especially with your help!
Rat King: hey! Who the heck are you? Get out of my sewer before I-
Blowhole: (Cuts him off) For now, I am an ally to you. We share a common enemy. How would you like to work for me to destroy them once and for all!
Rat King: Uh…dude.. isn’t it pronounced “penguins”?
Blowhole: I say it the way I say it for a reason! Now shut it, you glorified mouse! Do you want to help me, or not?
Rat king: Well, what’s in it for me? I don’t work for free, you know.
Blowhole: I make you the undisputed leader of rodents everywhere when I eventually conquer the world. How does that sound?
Rat # 1: Will there be cheese?
(Excited rumblings from the rats)
Blowhole: Yes! All the cheese you can eat! And much more!
Rat King: We’re in!
(Blowhole laughs sinisterly. The Rat king body slams him in triumph)
Blowhole: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! (The Rat King body slams him)
Rat King: Awesome!
(Blowhole flies off his Segway and crashes off screen)
Blowhole: Ow..
Scene II: Penguin HQ (Inside)
(Camera pans throughout the length of the room, then to the bunks. It travels up, slowly showing each sleeping penguin, then quickly doubles back to show that Skipper is missing from his bunk)
(Lights and alarms blare. Skipper’s voice over loudspeaker: “Danger! Danger! Blowhole has been spotted in the city!”)
(The penguins stumble out of their bunks)
(“Warning! Warning! This is completely and totally a drill!”)
Private: (Drowsily) (Yawns) A what?
(“This is a drill to test how well you’d be prepared if Blowhole struck in the middle of the night, and you’re all slow! Warning! War-“)
(The announcement is cut off in mid-sentence. Skipper enters the room from the door to Kowalski’s lab)
Skipper: (Shakes his head) Tsk, tsk, tsk…Absolutely a disgrace! I expected better of you, soldiers!
Kowalski: Well, sir, it /is/…(checks the clock) Good golly! It’s one in the morning!
Skipper: I’ll have you know it’s two in the morning! That clock is broken! What better time for a drill, anyway? Besides, you never know when Blowhole-or anyone for that matter- will strike! Now, off to bed boys. We’ll resume training in the morning.
(They all shuffle to bed)
Scene III: Penguin HQ (Topside)
(Kowalski, Rico, and Private are yawning in the middle of their cute and cuddly routine)
Private: (Does a flip and nearly crashes into Kowalski) I do (yawns) hope we get a good amount of fish today. I’m a bit peckish this morning.
Skipper: (Belly slides and cork-screws into the water) Of course we will, boys! They’re eating up our routine! Now pick up the pace! I don’t know why you guys are so tired!
Kowalski: (Back floats past them) We all got very little sleep last night, sir, after your midnight drill.
Rico: (Yawns) Mmmhmm… Sleepy. (Pretends to teeter off the edge of the fake ice floe)
(The crowd says “Awwww!”, and showers them with piles of fish)
(The penguins bow, and the crowd moves on to watch Julien and the lemurs)
(The penguins form a huddle)
Skipper: Shape up boys! It was one little drill. I give them all the time!
Private: Yes, but you drilled us all day yesterday, Skipper, and we’re exhausted.
Skipper: Tell ya what, boys; we’ll take the night off. I’m making tonight hobby night!
(They all do various high fives)
(Camera pans to a periscope quickly lowering into the trashcan near Julien’s habitat)
Scene IV: The Sewers
(Sinister music plays)
(Blowhole is wearing a bandage on his head. Looks away from the periscope, and The Rat King is standing behind him)
Blowhole: Excellent! Those peng-yoo-ins will be easy to defeat now that they’re too tired to function as a unit!
Rat King: Uh… how can you hear them from a periscope? And where’s that creepy music coming from?
Blowhole: (Looks up from the blueprints he’s examining.) Oh. That’s my cell phone. (he answers it) Oh…h-hello, mother. N-no, I’m fine, and you?
(Rat King rolls his eyes)
Blowhole: W-will I what? No. I’m not coming over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m t-too busy. Y-yes mother. I l-love you too. (he hangs up the phone and shudders) She will be the first to go when I rule the world!
Rat King: (Impatiently) You done?
Blowhole: (Snaps) yes! Now, as far as how I heard them, I’ve installed cameras and microphones at various points around the zoo.
(Points to a monitor showing the fence outside the penguin HQ)
Blowhole: One here. (Points to another inside the HQ). One here (Points to yet another near the lemur habitat) And one-
Rat king: (Points to one showing King Julien on his bouncy castle) Hey! That’s the lemur that stole my crown!
Blowhole: (rolls his eyes) You’ve seen that idiotic lemur numerous times since you first found his crown, and /now/ you notice?
Rat King: (Obstinately) Well…yeah, dude! That crown looks different when I’m looking at it from above! And how did you-
Blowhole: (Goes back to examining the plans) Oh, I did a background check on you. I know all about your history with the peng-yoo-ins.
Rat King: Yeah, whatever. So what’s this big plan of yours?
Blowhole: First rule of being evil; never reveal your plan unless you have you enemy bound, gagged, and tied to a death rocket.
Rat King: Aw! Not even to me?
Blowhole: All right. My plan is to-…
(He looks towards the monitor filming the interior of the HQ. The Camera does a close up of the monitor, and the view switches to the real HQ as the scene changes)
Scene V: Penguin HQ (Inside)
(The penguins are seated at various points around the HQ. skipper is at the table, Rico is in his bunk, Kowalski is in his lab, and Private is laying on the floor)
Skipper: (Works on his ship-in-a-bottle) boy, am I glad I called a hobby night tonight! I’m pretty wiped out myself! But I wish I could just get this darn thing finished. I’ve been working on it for far too long now.
Private: (Sets down his Lunacorn needlepoint) Maybe you could try a different hobby.
Skipper: No way! Ships in bottles are my signature thing! Just like yours is Lunacorn-related, and Kowalski’s is…..by the way, what /are/ you doing?
Kowalski: (Holds up the clown head from the Mind Jacker) I’ve just been reverse engineering Blowhole’s Mind Jacker to see if I can replicate it. In the process, I’ve started to get a hang on how it works. But not to worry,for, I’ve got it all under control.
(He trips, and a beam of purple light nearly hits Skipper in the head)
Skipper: (ducks out of the way) Whoa! Watch it! I don’t need my slate wiped again!
Kowalski: (Sheepishly) Heh…sorry, sir. (he walks back into his lab)
Skipper: (Calls to him) If this fails, this will be the…(pauses to think) 153rd time you’ve messed up.
Kowalski: Don’t worry. And for the record, it will be the 154th time if I mess up. /If/ I mess up.
Skipper: (Turns to Private) I still have a gut feeling that something bad is going to happen. Any my gut is always right!
Private: But wasn’t your gut wrong that time in-
Skipper: (shudders) We don’t talk about my mission in Geneva! Oh, if only I could forget that day!
(A beam from the Mind Jacker hits Skipper in the head)
Private: But what about Geneva? If you were wrong then, you could be wrong now. That’s all I’m saying, sir.
Skipper: What /about/ Geneva?
Private: Never mind, sir.
Kowalski: (Squeals in excitement) Good golly, I’ve figured it out! I need to do some tests!
Skipper: Whoa, whoa, whoa, soldier! You’re not coming anywhere near me! And weren’t you just standing here? And when was my ship in a bottle ever this complete?
(Kowalski chases after him)
(Camera pans out to the monitor. The screen flickers as the scene changes)
Scene VI: The Sewers
Blowhole: (Furiously) No!!!! They’ve figured out my Mind Jacker!
Rat King: Dude… it’s a creepy clown head. What’s so difficult to figure out?
Blowhole: It’s so much more than that! It can wipe someone’s entire memory, or a little section. It can delete or alter memories, it can- (sees the Rat King has pretended to fall asleep) You really are a meathead. All brawn and no brain. I don’t even know why I hired you.
Rat King: Look, dude, you saw on my resume that I’m just a dude who’s into punching stuff, but I sure as heck ain’t dumb! Can we just discuss the plan now?!
Blowhole: Fine!
(Camera shown them in silhouette, speaking in indistinct tones. More sinister music plays)
(Blowhole pauses and answers his phone)
Blowhole: What?! I’m in the middle of-…oh.. sorry, Mother. I-I’ll remember to pick up milk. Goodbye.
Rat King: Dude, you really need to change that ringtone!
Blowhole: (Whines) But it provides such a good dramatic effect!
(The Rat King glares at him)
Blowhole: Right…hehe… back to narrating.
(Another silhouette shot. This goes on for several minutes)
(Rat King nods. He and Blowhole fist bump)
Rat King: (Evilly) I like it!
Blowhole: (Camera dramatically pushes in on his face.) Let’s- (the camera goes in too close. He glares at it, and it backs up to a better distance) Let’s tell the others! (Laughs maniacally) (thunder crashes)
Blowhole: Where is that/coming/ from?
Rat King: You’re not the only one with an awesome ringtone. (he answers it) Oh, hi, Mommy. How’s Daddy doing? Good! Glad to hear it!
(Blowhole face flippers himself)
Scene VII: Penguin HQ (Inside)
(Skipper is glaring at Kowalski)
Skipper: I can’t believe you experimented on me!
Kowalski: Sweet Einstein, sir! It was an accident! I didn’t mean for that to happen!
Skipper: And it erased…. What memory /did/ it erase?
Kowalski: (Shudders) It’s best that you don’t remember. (Whispers in fright) Geneva….the horror…..At any rate, I find the results fascinating. I believe I’ve finally figured out how to work this creepy thing!
(It releases a depth charge of purple light, which hits the wall. Skipper raises an eyebrow as if to say “You call /that/ controlling it?”)
Kowalski: Um…there are still a few….kinks that I have to work out, but as soon as I fix them, it should be 100…well… 90-95% safe!
Skipper: (Sarcastic) Well, let me know if you need a flux capacitor or anything.
Kowalski: (Doesn’t get the reference) Puh-lease! This doesn’t even need one of those! This is one of blowhole’s simplest inventions yet! It’ was so easy to replicate that even Rico could build it!
(Camera pans to Rico trying to put firecrackers in a fish bowl full of goldfish)
Kowalski: Ok, maybe not Rico, but you get my point.
(An explosion is heard from off screen. Water and shards of glass puddle at their feet. Fish flop in the middle of it)
Kowalski: Yes…definitely not Rico.
Scene VIII: The Sewers
(Blowhole is addressing the Rat king’s rat army)
Blowhole: Now, my minions-
Rat King: (cuts him off) They’re /my/ army. They’re on lease to you.
Blowhole: (casts a contemptuous glare at the Rat King) Now, /our/ minions, the time has come for you to put my plan into action, and our enemies, the peng-yoo-ins will never be the wiser!
Rat # 3: Who do you say “Penguins” like that?
Blowhole: Because I do! Now-
Rat # 3: Can you even say “Penguins” normally? Or is it some kind of speech defect?
Blowhole: (quickly loses his patience) Fine! Penguins! Are you happy?!
Rat # 3: Not until I get my blue carpeting.
Blowhole: You will get your carpeting as soon as I finish taking over the world. Now may I finish?!
(Ad libbed “Yeahs” and “Yups” from the rats)
Rat # 1: Then it’s settled. If he gets his carpet, the rest of us want cheese, maternity leave, proper healthcare-
Blowhole: Can I just get on with my monolog?!... Now, as I was say9ing, my plan is to set you all lose on the city. You may pillage, plunder, steal and eat what you wish. It will distract the humans, leaving the peng-yoo-ins to me. I will take over City Hall, fore some of the City Council members, then, once New York has fallen into my clutches, taking over the rest of the country should be easy. And once the Unites States has fallen, so will the rest of the world!
Rat # 2: Can we get out cheese?
Blowhole: You may!
(Cheers from the rats)
Blowhole: Ransack the city! (cheers) Spread disease! (cheers) Buy a 62 inch HD flat screen TV for all I care! (wild applause) Be all you can be! (applause and cheers grow louder) We start (dramatic pause) now! (Thunder crashes)
(Blowhole glares at the Rat King, who sheepishly turns his cellphone off)
Blowhole: As I was saying-…why are none of you cheering and applauding wildly? I can’t get back into the mood of my glorious take-over speech if none of you are cheering and applauding wildly!
(Rats awkwardly resume cheering)
Blowhole: We start now!
Scene IX: Midtown Manhattan
(People are milling about, walking, minding their own business, when a rumbling starts from a manhole cover in the street)
(It rattles and bursts open, and wave after wave of rats descend on the city, followed by the Rat king, and lastly, Blowhole.)
Blowhole: Run! Haha! That’s right! Run away! It has begun!
(A cab driver stops his car right in front of the Rat King)
Cab Driver: (Starts to sing) What the heck is that?
Blowhole: Oh no, not /this/ guy again! (To the Rat King) Take him out.
(The Rat King punches him out cold)
Blowhole: now where was I? Oh yes…It has begun! (He laughs maniacally. Thunder and lightning crash overhead)
Scene X: Penguin HQ (Inside)
(The penguins are seated around the TV, watching in horror)
(Channel One news is on, showing the destruction)
Chuck Charles: This is Chuck Charles live from Midtown Manhattan where an army of rats led by a talking dolphin on a scooter is currently ransacking the city. No, I am not seeing things.
(Camera pans to the rats overturning a hotdog cart, and eating the scattered hot dogs. Pans to an electronics store where rats are stealing a flat screen television. One stays behind to break the window glass, and people crowd the store shouting “Ooh! Free cell phones!)
(Camera pans behind them just in time to see The Rat king smash a man’s car. He runs after The Rat King shouting, “My car! Wait! Come back! We need to switch insurance information!”)
Chuck Charles: And now for the weather. Partly cloudy, with a 30% chance of showers in the afternoon. Here’s your local Doppler Radar-
(Blowhole wheels his Segway over to the camera, knocking Chuck out of the way)
Blowhole: (tauntingly) Oh, peng-yoo-ins! I’m back! That’s right! I, Dr. Francis Blowhole, have returned! I’m taking over City Hall as we speak, and since I know you’ll try-and fail- to stop me, meet me in Times square in a half hour or else! (he laughs maniacally)
Chuck Charles: Your name is Francis?? (He starts to laugh, but Blowhole smacks him with his tail before he wheels off) This is Chuck Charles, saying “Ow”. Back to you, Bonnie.
Skipper: And you thought I was being (air quotes) “unreasonable” for drilling you nonstop!
Private: (Quavers) What do we do now, Skipper?
Skipper: (Gets up and heads to his bunk) I’ve been wanting to use a plan from these files for years now!
Kowalski: Files?
(Rico and Private exchange confused glances)
(Skipper presses a button concealed underneath his pillow, and a drawer concealed by the back wall of his bunk opens, containing a drawer of files)
Skipper: /These/ files! These are the files of every bizarre and unlikely scenario I’ve thought of over the years! Plus a backup plan!
Kowalski: Very impressive sir!
Skipper: You know, Kowalski, there are known knowns. There are known unknowns. There are things we know that we know, and things we know we don’t know. There are unknown unknowns, and unknown knowns- the things we don’t know we don’t know, and the things we don’t know that we know! And I’ve prepared for every single one of them!
Rico: Wha?
Skipper: (Searches for the proper file) I hope that you know that you believe you understand what you thought I said, but what I said isn’t at all what I meant, Rico! Comprende?
Rico: Um… I’ma go wit’ no.
Skipper: Exactly. (Pulls out the correct file) Aha! Here it is!
(He reads through it, and the team waits on bated breath to hear his reply)
Skipper: Just what I would have thought to do! Ok, men… let’s commence Operation:….um…. “You Dirty Rat”?...no, wait, that sounds dumb. Um… “I Smell a Rat”? No. that sounds even more ridiculous. Commence Operation: “I Can’t think of a Name For This Operation”!
(The team stares at Skipper)
Skipper: Well? Go! Let’s move out!
Scene XI: Times Square
(Blowhole is standing in the middle of the pandemonium, smiling peacefully)
(The Rat King walks up beside him, and bends a lamp post in two)
Blowhole: Panic is a pretty sight, isn’t it? So beautiful. All those pathetic humans running away from us.
Rat King: Nah. Not to me, as much. I just like breaking stuff.
Blowhole: I’ve been thinking of a title for myself. How does “Emperor of All life on earth” sound to you? Too narcissistic, or not enough?
(A trio of rats scurry towards Blowhole)
Rat # 1: (out of breath) The (pants) penguins are coming this way.
Rat # 2: We tried to stop them, but they caught the train before we could catch up to them.
Blowhole: What are you, three inches tall or something?! How could the three of you not catch them?!
Rat # 3: Technically, Doc, we’re 5 inches tall. Besides, they’re coming, just like you wanted.
Blowhole: Yes, but I had hoped they’d be here later! I still haven’t fully taken over City Hall yet!
(To The Rat King) I want you and a portion of the rats to head over to City Hall and conquer it in my stead. I’ll meet the peng-yoo-ins at the train station Oh, and be sure to tie up the mayor.
Rat King: Why?
Blowhole: Because. I hate him.
Scene XII: The Subway
(Skipper and the penguins are riding an empty train to Times Square)
Private: I can’t believe how empty this train car is.
Kowalski: I still say we should have taken a cab. We would have been there by now. Stupid local trains! There was an express train right behind-
Skipper: yeas, Kowalski, but there were no cabs in sight! This was the first train we saw.
(Silence for a few moments)
Kowalski: (To Skipper) Sir, are you pondering what I’m pondering?
Skipper: Unless it involves stuffing three pink flamingoes into a pair of Capri pants, I don’t want to hear it.
Rico: (Regurgitates a pair of Capri pants) Hehehe…..narf.
Kowalski: Rico, please put the pants away. And no, but I’ll tell you anyway. I’m pondering why Blowhole would choose to come back after all this time. All his resources were destroyed in that explosion last year.
Skipper: Well, whatever the reason, he’s here, and we’re just going to have to stop him, like always.
Private: But what if we can’t this time, Skipper?
Skipper: (Triumphant music starts) Private, we are team penguin. There’s nothing we can’t do! We’ve beat them before and we can do it again! We live in New york city! The city that never sleeps! The city where anything can happen, and it usually does! We can do this, because we are Americans! Ask not what your country can do for you, because the only thing we have to fear is fear itself! And we will. be. victorious! (The music swells)
Kowalski: Where is that coming from?
Skipper: Oh. I forgot that my cellphone was on. Sorry. Not let’s go kick us some bad guy derriere!
Scene XIII: Times Square
(The Train pulls into the stop, and the Penguins exit)
(Blowhole wheels in, flanked by an army of rats)
Skipper: I’m not even going to say anything, because if I do-
Blowhole: Yes, we’ll end up saying “well, well, well” twenty times in a row and waste precious time that could be devoted to fighting.
Skipper: I agree. And furthermore, I’m sick of fighting you. Nearly every time, it’s the same thing. We fight, you capture us and reveal your plot, we escape, and fight with cartoonish violence, and some random and unforeseen thing happens to ultimately defeat you, and after that, we just wing it ‘til you rear your ugly head again. There’s only so many times we can make kid-friendly fighting look cool, you know.
Blowhole: See, this is why I hate you outside of the working environment. You always find new and creative ways to insult me. But I agree, Skipper. Let’s break this nasty little habit of ours and skip all the talking. Rats! Attack them!
(The rats descend on the penguins, burying them. It looks like all is lost for a moment, until the penguins burst out, fighting and kicking. It’s a blur of flying teeth and claws and feathers and flippers until all the rats are unconscious. The penguins stand triumphantly on top of the pile of unconscious rats)
Skipper: We make this look cool! Now-… hey! Where his Blowhole go?!
(They see the tail end of Blowhole’s Segway disappear up the stairs.)
Skipper: Follow that crazy cetacean!
Scene XIV: City Hall
(Blowhole wheels himself over to the Mayor’s office, where he sees the Rat King has the mayor tied up in a corner)
Blowhole: I think those peng-yoo-ins have followed me here. How fitting that my future deat of power will be the place of our final showdown. That, plus it has a spectacular view, don’t you think?
(The Penguins bust down the door just then)
Blowhole: Hey! Watch it! That is mahogany! Those doors don’t come cheap!
Skipper: (A little out of breath from running) You’re going down, just like that door!
Blowhole: It would seem you’ve lost your touch for making heroic speeches, and gained a bit of weight since we last met, Skipper!
Skipper: And you gained a bigger ego since we last met!
Blowhole: Too right you are, but no matter. Soon you won’t be making any speeches, heroic or otherwise, ever again!
(A large group of rats burst in and restrain the penguins)
Skipper: man! I hate these guys! You’d think they’d have learned some other restraining technique by now!
Rat # 2: It’s all we can do as a group, ok?
Skipper: All right, all right, all right! Jeez!
Private: You’ll never get away with this, you big bully!
Blowhole: oh, I’m quaking in my boots… If I had boots, I mean. (Snidely) And, Private, I must say I’m impressed. That’s probably the toughest thing you’ve ever said!
Kowalski: Don’t pick on Private! He’s just a boy!
Blowhole: You! Ugh. I /loathe/ you! Dating my sister practically makes us brothers-in-law! You’ll be the second to go when I rule the world!
Kowalski: Ok, you are /so/ not getting that birthday present Doris and I picked out!
Blowhole: (Excitedly) Ohh! My birthday! What did you get me?? What did you-…. (an awkward silence follows as the rats and the Penguins stare at him) Um… I mean, you can take your present, and go to Halifax for all I care! Rats! (the rats spring to attention) Take them out of my sight!
(The rats drag them out of the room. They get halfway into the hallway)
Skipper: Ready, boys?
(The Penguins say “Ready!” in unison. They break from the rats’ grip. A quick fight breaks out, and the rats are defeated)
(They belly slide back into the Mayor’s office)
Blowhole: How on Earth-
(He is interrupted by a flying kick from Skipper that sends them both crashing out of the window)
(Camera zooms in on the two, hurtling towards the ground, locked in a death grip, trying to roll around, one trying to get the other to land on his back when they hit the ground)
(They appear to fall in slow motion as they get closer the ground)
Skipper: (In slow motion) How….are….we…falling….like…this?
Blowhole: (In slow motion) Tractor….beam….on….my …….Segway. Prevents….us…from….being….injured.
(Skipper takes the opportunity to flip Blowhole on his back, slowly)
(They crash to the ground in cloud of dust)
Private: (Calls from the window) Skipper, are you all right?!
Skipper: Fine!
(A large thud is heard as The Rat King jumps from the window and hits the ground.)
Blowhole: Get my Segway and help me up, you overgrown mouse!
Rat King: (Snidely) Sure, your majesty! (he walks off to get the Segway) (Calls to him) you’d better be paying me extra for this!
Skipper: You’re going to lose, you know.
Blowhole: I thought you wanted to take a break from tradition, Skipper!
(The Rat King comes back and drops the Segway to the floor and helps Blowhole up)
Blowhole: Be careful with that! It’s custom made!
(The Rat King rolls his eyes)
Blowhole: Now, restrain those peng-yoo-ins! (To the Penguins) I hate to go so soon, but I have announcements to make! (He heads off towards the Hall, and motions for the Rat king, now holding the struggling Penguins to follow)
Skipper: Rat face! Please! For the love of Pete, let us go! Blowhole can’t be trusted!
Rat King: I don’t think you’re in an position to say anything now, flightless bird. So, shut it!
(They walk back up to the Mayor’s office)
Scene XV: The Mayor’s Office
(Blowhole sets up a camera. He sits- as best as a dolphin can sit- in the mayor’s chair)
(The Rat King stands beside him, holding the Penguins)
(Blowhole turns the camera and begins broadcasting. Rats hold up translation cards in several different languages, and one does American Sign Language)
Blowhole: Hello, you pathetic humans! If you’re just tuning in, this is your future Emperor speaking. My name is Doctor Francis Blowhole, Ph.D. Yes, I am a talking dolphin. No, you’re not seeing things. I intend to enslave humanity, and you defenseless New Yorkers are the first part of the world I intend to take over! Surrender now, or die!
Rat King: (Butting in) Yeah! And now that we have the penguins, who were responsible for saving this city from dudes like us a bunch of times! With them out of the way, Blowhole can take over the country, and I can rule the streets of New York!
Blowhole: (Pushes The Rat King out of the way) Um…actually, I’ve been thinking, and I’ve decided you’re more of a liability to me now, than an asset. You’re not worth it. You’re asking too much. Besides, your rat army now answers to me! On that note, Rats! Restrain him!
(A large pile of rats jump of The Rat King and pin him down)
Rat King: (Bellows) Traitors! Get off of me! (He struggles)
(Rats also pin the Penguins down)
Blowhole: They no longer obey you, you worthless piece of vermin! They obey me!
(Ugly, rasping laughter from the rats)
(The Rat King struggles for a moment, then bursts free of the rats that were holding him, sending them flying in all directions. He lunges towards a terrified Blowhole and punches him out cold)
Rat king: (To the penguins) Just this once, Birds. Just this once! You owe me! (Turns awkwardly to the camera. It is still broadcasting) Um. Sorry my rats and me destroyed the city. We’ll help clean it up. Um… I’m the Rat King, and I approve this message. Stay classy, America!
Scene XVI: Penguin HQ (Inside)
(The next day. The evening news is on)
Chuck Charles: This is chuck Charles coming to you live from Times square where a large cleanup effort is currently underway after the siege by the talking dolphin, Blowhole, and his rat army. (A clip is shown of Blowhole being dragged into a suspicious looking black van by government agents) He is currently at a remote Government testing facility on plum Island, being poked at, prodded at, and possibly interrogated so scientists can figure out how animals have the ability to talk. The day was saved by a mutated rodent warlord, and the same four penguins from the Central park Zoo that were discussed last year when Pete Peterson took over my job. They are being awarded by the mayor for services done to the city- long overdue, some say. This begs the question- have they always been there for us? Have all animals been there, fighting to save us or destroy us, and we haven’t noticed? Aliens? Or Voodoo magic? A famous animation company has asked to meet with the penguins, Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and private to discuss the possibility of a children’s television series called “The Penguins of –
(Skipper shuts the TV off)
Kowalski: I think I have the solution. Now that our cover’s blown for good, there’s only one thing that can fix this.
Skipper: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Kowalski: Absolutely! The (imitates Blowhole’s Ridiculously Deep Voice effect) Mind Jacker!
(He presses a button on it, the machine activates, and a bright purple flash of light blanks out the screen)
Scene XVII: A Government Testing Facility
(Blowhole is put into a crate marked “Seaville AquaFun Park, Staten Island” on a cargo boat.)
Blowhole: What was I even doing in there? Those humans didn’t even know! Well, it must have been some sort of mix up. I suppose I should take the time to work on a revenge plan on the peng-yoo-ins for destroying my lab! No matter, though. I’m free!!
(He laughs maniacally. The laughter echoes as the scene changes)
Scene XVIII: Penguin HQ
(Several hours later)
(Skipper turns on the TV)
Chuck Charles: This is Chuck Charles reporting that a cargo boat bound for Staten Island has gone missing. Sources say it was transporting a dolphin back to its Staten island Aquarium where it had been mistakenly brought to Plum Island.
Skipper: Uh-oh….
Scene XIX: A Beach
(Blowhole awakens slowly to find bits of broken wood and metal washed up on the beach beside him)
Blowhole: Oh, no…where am i? The ship must have crashed!...Ugh! My head!
(He spots a small green gecko crawling along the beach)
Blowhole: Hey! You there! Can you tell me where I am?
(The gecko says nothing, but beckons, smiling, to Blowhole. He crawls along the sand, and the gecko parts the foliage to reveal a massive gathering of partying lemurs dancing to “I Like to Move it, Move it”)
(His smile fades)
Blowhole: No! Not Madagascar! NO! No NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Screen fades to black)
Voice Cast:
Skipper-Tom McGrath
Kowalski-Jeff Bennett
Private-James Patrick Stuart
Rico- John DiMaggio
The Rat King: Diedrich Bader
Rat #1: Jeff Bennett
Rat #2: Kevin Richardson
Rat #3: John DiMaggio
Dr. Blowhole: Neil Patrick Harris
Chuck Charles: Jeff Bennett
The “My Car!” Guy: Danny Jacobs
Cab Driver: John DiMaggio
link
"The Penguins of Madagascar"
Season 4, Episode 4
Production code: 404
Air Date: ?
Previous: "Seeing Red", next: "It Happened One Afternoon"
Note: This episode is a 45 minute special.
I Smell a Rat/Transcript
Scene I: The Sewers
(Rat King is pacing impatiently)
(Rat #1 is watching, holding a clip board)
Rat King: Dudes, we /seriously/ need some new material! (air quotes) “Spreading disease” and (air quotes) “Gnawing on stuff” and (air quotes) “Digging through garbage” ain’t gonna cut it no more.
(Rat #1 scratches those off the list on his clipboard)
Rat King: Is there anything else anyone can think of that we need?
Rat #1: We need new carpeting. The old one’s getting moldy.
Rat King: (waves a dismissive hand) Add that to the list too. But, like I was saying; this stuff is what rats have been doing for centuries. It’s cliché! And besides that, we need food, and those old ideas aren’t gonna get us a scrap of anything edible.
Rat #2: We could always raid the zoo for food.
Rat # 1: (Stops writing) Yeah! Two birds with one stone. We get more food, and we get revenge on the penguins by stealing food!
Rat King: Don’t even get me started on them! They’re the reason why we don’t have fresh food anymore! And the reason why out carpets are growing moldy, to boot. But it’s an awesome plan! I like it!
Rat # 3: Can I pick the carpet color this time?
Rat King: No, because I know you’re gonna pick that ugly dark blue, and I hate that color. So, dudes, let’s get started!
(A whirring is heard from off-screen)
(Blowhole enters)
Blowhole: I can do much more than starve those stupid peng-yoo-ins, especially with your help!
Rat King: hey! Who the heck are you? Get out of my sewer before I-
Blowhole: (Cuts him off) For now, I am an ally to you. We share a common enemy. How would you like to work for me to destroy them once and for all!
Rat King: Uh…dude.. isn’t it pronounced “penguins”?
Blowhole: I say it the way I say it for a reason! Now shut it, you glorified mouse! Do you want to help me, or not?
Rat king: Well, what’s in it for me? I don’t work for free, you know.
Blowhole: I make you the undisputed leader of rodents everywhere when I eventually conquer the world. How does that sound?
Rat # 1: Will there be cheese?
(Excited rumblings from the rats)
Blowhole: Yes! All the cheese you can eat! And much more!
Rat King: We’re in!
(Blowhole laughs sinisterly. The Rat king body slams him in triumph)
Blowhole: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! (The Rat King body slams him)
Rat King: Awesome!
(Blowhole flies off his Segway and crashes off screen)
Blowhole: Ow..
Scene II: Penguin HQ (Inside)
(Camera pans throughout the length of the room, then to the bunks. It travels up, slowly showing each sleeping penguin, then quickly doubles back to show that Skipper is missing from his bunk)
(Lights and alarms blare. Skipper’s voice over loudspeaker: “Danger! Danger! Blowhole has been spotted in the city!”)
(The penguins stumble out of their bunks)
(“Warning! Warning! This is completely and totally a drill!”)
Private: (Drowsily) (Yawns) A what?
(“This is a drill to test how well you’d be prepared if Blowhole struck in the middle of the night, and you’re all slow! Warning! War-“)
(The announcement is cut off in mid-sentence. Skipper enters the room from the door to Kowalski’s lab)
Skipper: (Shakes his head) Tsk, tsk, tsk…Absolutely a disgrace! I expected better of you, soldiers!
Kowalski: Well, sir, it /is/…(checks the clock) Good golly! It’s one in the morning!
Skipper: I’ll have you know it’s two in the morning! That clock is broken! What better time for a drill, anyway? Besides, you never know when Blowhole-or anyone for that matter- will strike! Now, off to bed boys. We’ll resume training in the morning.
(They all shuffle to bed)
Scene III: Penguin HQ (Topside)
(Kowalski, Rico, and Private are yawning in the middle of their cute and cuddly routine)
Private: (Does a flip and nearly crashes into Kowalski) I do (yawns) hope we get a good amount of fish today. I’m a bit peckish this morning.
Skipper: (Belly slides and cork-screws into the water) Of course we will, boys! They’re eating up our routine! Now pick up the pace! I don’t know why you guys are so tired!
Kowalski: (Back floats past them) We all got very little sleep last night, sir, after your midnight drill.
Rico: (Yawns) Mmmhmm… Sleepy. (Pretends to teeter off the edge of the fake ice floe)
(The crowd says “Awwww!”, and showers them with piles of fish)
(The penguins bow, and the crowd moves on to watch Julien and the lemurs)
(The penguins form a huddle)
Skipper: Shape up boys! It was one little drill. I give them all the time!
Private: Yes, but you drilled us all day yesterday, Skipper, and we’re exhausted.
Skipper: Tell ya what, boys; we’ll take the night off. I’m making tonight hobby night!
(They all do various high fives)
(Camera pans to a periscope quickly lowering into the trashcan near Julien’s habitat)
Scene IV: The Sewers
(Sinister music plays)
(Blowhole is wearing a bandage on his head. Looks away from the periscope, and The Rat King is standing behind him)
Blowhole: Excellent! Those peng-yoo-ins will be easy to defeat now that they’re too tired to function as a unit!
Rat King: Uh… how can you hear them from a periscope? And where’s that creepy music coming from?
Blowhole: (Looks up from the blueprints he’s examining.) Oh. That’s my cell phone. (he answers it) Oh…h-hello, mother. N-no, I’m fine, and you?
(Rat King rolls his eyes)
Blowhole: W-will I what? No. I’m not coming over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m t-too busy. Y-yes mother. I l-love you too. (he hangs up the phone and shudders) She will be the first to go when I rule the world!
Rat King: (Impatiently) You done?
Blowhole: (Snaps) yes! Now, as far as how I heard them, I’ve installed cameras and microphones at various points around the zoo.
(Points to a monitor showing the fence outside the penguin HQ)
Blowhole: One here. (Points to another inside the HQ). One here (Points to yet another near the lemur habitat) And one-
Rat king: (Points to one showing King Julien on his bouncy castle) Hey! That’s the lemur that stole my crown!
Blowhole: (rolls his eyes) You’ve seen that idiotic lemur numerous times since you first found his crown, and /now/ you notice?
Rat King: (Obstinately) Well…yeah, dude! That crown looks different when I’m looking at it from above! And how did you-
Blowhole: (Goes back to examining the plans) Oh, I did a background check on you. I know all about your history with the peng-yoo-ins.
Rat King: Yeah, whatever. So what’s this big plan of yours?
Blowhole: First rule of being evil; never reveal your plan unless you have you enemy bound, gagged, and tied to a death rocket.
Rat King: Aw! Not even to me?
Blowhole: All right. My plan is to-…
(He looks towards the monitor filming the interior of the HQ. The Camera does a close up of the monitor, and the view switches to the real HQ as the scene changes)
Scene V: Penguin HQ (Inside)
(The penguins are seated at various points around the HQ. skipper is at the table, Rico is in his bunk, Kowalski is in his lab, and Private is laying on the floor)
Skipper: (Works on his ship-in-a-bottle) boy, am I glad I called a hobby night tonight! I’m pretty wiped out myself! But I wish I could just get this darn thing finished. I’ve been working on it for far too long now.
Private: (Sets down his Lunacorn needlepoint) Maybe you could try a different hobby.
Skipper: No way! Ships in bottles are my signature thing! Just like yours is Lunacorn-related, and Kowalski’s is…..by the way, what /are/ you doing?
Kowalski: (Holds up the clown head from the Mind Jacker) I’ve just been reverse engineering Blowhole’s Mind Jacker to see if I can replicate it. In the process, I’ve started to get a hang on how it works. But not to worry,for, I’ve got it all under control.
(He trips, and a beam of purple light nearly hits Skipper in the head)
Skipper: (ducks out of the way) Whoa! Watch it! I don’t need my slate wiped again!
Kowalski: (Sheepishly) Heh…sorry, sir. (he walks back into his lab)
Skipper: (Calls to him) If this fails, this will be the…(pauses to think) 153rd time you’ve messed up.
Kowalski: Don’t worry. And for the record, it will be the 154th time if I mess up. /If/ I mess up.
Skipper: (Turns to Private) I still have a gut feeling that something bad is going to happen. Any my gut is always right!
Private: But wasn’t your gut wrong that time in-
Skipper: (shudders) We don’t talk about my mission in Geneva! Oh, if only I could forget that day!
(A beam from the Mind Jacker hits Skipper in the head)
Private: But what about Geneva? If you were wrong then, you could be wrong now. That’s all I’m saying, sir.
Skipper: What /about/ Geneva?
Private: Never mind, sir.
Kowalski: (Squeals in excitement) Good golly, I’ve figured it out! I need to do some tests!
Skipper: Whoa, whoa, whoa, soldier! You’re not coming anywhere near me! And weren’t you just standing here? And when was my ship in a bottle ever this complete?
(Kowalski chases after him)
(Camera pans out to the monitor. The screen flickers as the scene changes)
Scene VI: The Sewers
Blowhole: (Furiously) No!!!! They’ve figured out my Mind Jacker!
Rat King: Dude… it’s a creepy clown head. What’s so difficult to figure out?
Blowhole: It’s so much more than that! It can wipe someone’s entire memory, or a little section. It can delete or alter memories, it can- (sees the Rat King has pretended to fall asleep) You really are a meathead. All brawn and no brain. I don’t even know why I hired you.
Rat King: Look, dude, you saw on my resume that I’m just a dude who’s into punching stuff, but I sure as heck ain’t dumb! Can we just discuss the plan now?!
Blowhole: Fine!
(Camera shown them in silhouette, speaking in indistinct tones. More sinister music plays)
(Blowhole pauses and answers his phone)
Blowhole: What?! I’m in the middle of-…oh.. sorry, Mother. I-I’ll remember to pick up milk. Goodbye.
Rat King: Dude, you really need to change that ringtone!
Blowhole: (Whines) But it provides such a good dramatic effect!
(The Rat King glares at him)
Blowhole: Right…hehe… back to narrating.
(Another silhouette shot. This goes on for several minutes)
(Rat King nods. He and Blowhole fist bump)
Rat King: (Evilly) I like it!
Blowhole: (Camera dramatically pushes in on his face.) Let’s- (the camera goes in too close. He glares at it, and it backs up to a better distance) Let’s tell the others! (Laughs maniacally) (thunder crashes)
Blowhole: Where is that/coming/ from?
Rat King: You’re not the only one with an awesome ringtone. (he answers it) Oh, hi, Mommy. How’s Daddy doing? Good! Glad to hear it!
(Blowhole face flippers himself)
Scene VII: Penguin HQ (Inside)
(Skipper is glaring at Kowalski)
Skipper: I can’t believe you experimented on me!
Kowalski: Sweet Einstein, sir! It was an accident! I didn’t mean for that to happen!
Skipper: And it erased…. What memory /did/ it erase?
Kowalski: (Shudders) It’s best that you don’t remember. (Whispers in fright) Geneva….the horror…..At any rate, I find the results fascinating. I believe I’ve finally figured out how to work this creepy thing!
(It releases a depth charge of purple light, which hits the wall. Skipper raises an eyebrow as if to say “You call /that/ controlling it?”)
Kowalski: Um…there are still a few….kinks that I have to work out, but as soon as I fix them, it should be 100…well… 90-95% safe!
Skipper: (Sarcastic) Well, let me know if you need a flux capacitor or anything.
Kowalski: (Doesn’t get the reference) Puh-lease! This doesn’t even need one of those! This is one of blowhole’s simplest inventions yet! It’ was so easy to replicate that even Rico could build it!
(Camera pans to Rico trying to put firecrackers in a fish bowl full of goldfish)
Kowalski: Ok, maybe not Rico, but you get my point.
(An explosion is heard from off screen. Water and shards of glass puddle at their feet. Fish flop in the middle of it)
Kowalski: Yes…definitely not Rico.
Scene VIII: The Sewers
(Blowhole is addressing the Rat king’s rat army)
Blowhole: Now, my minions-
Rat King: (cuts him off) They’re /my/ army. They’re on lease to you.
Blowhole: (casts a contemptuous glare at the Rat King) Now, /our/ minions, the time has come for you to put my plan into action, and our enemies, the peng-yoo-ins will never be the wiser!
Rat # 3: Who do you say “Penguins” like that?
Blowhole: Because I do! Now-
Rat # 3: Can you even say “Penguins” normally? Or is it some kind of speech defect?
Blowhole: (quickly loses his patience) Fine! Penguins! Are you happy?!
Rat # 3: Not until I get my blue carpeting.
Blowhole: You will get your carpeting as soon as I finish taking over the world. Now may I finish?!
(Ad libbed “Yeahs” and “Yups” from the rats)
Rat # 1: Then it’s settled. If he gets his carpet, the rest of us want cheese, maternity leave, proper healthcare-
Blowhole: Can I just get on with my monolog?!... Now, as I was say9ing, my plan is to set you all lose on the city. You may pillage, plunder, steal and eat what you wish. It will distract the humans, leaving the peng-yoo-ins to me. I will take over City Hall, fore some of the City Council members, then, once New York has fallen into my clutches, taking over the rest of the country should be easy. And once the Unites States has fallen, so will the rest of the world!
Rat # 2: Can we get out cheese?
Blowhole: You may!
(Cheers from the rats)
Blowhole: Ransack the city! (cheers) Spread disease! (cheers) Buy a 62 inch HD flat screen TV for all I care! (wild applause) Be all you can be! (applause and cheers grow louder) We start (dramatic pause) now! (Thunder crashes)
(Blowhole glares at the Rat King, who sheepishly turns his cellphone off)
Blowhole: As I was saying-…why are none of you cheering and applauding wildly? I can’t get back into the mood of my glorious take-over speech if none of you are cheering and applauding wildly!
(Rats awkwardly resume cheering)
Blowhole: We start now!
Scene IX: Midtown Manhattan
(People are milling about, walking, minding their own business, when a rumbling starts from a manhole cover in the street)
(It rattles and bursts open, and wave after wave of rats descend on the city, followed by the Rat king, and lastly, Blowhole.)
Blowhole: Run! Haha! That’s right! Run away! It has begun!
(A cab driver stops his car right in front of the Rat King)
Cab Driver: (Starts to sing) What the heck is that?
Blowhole: Oh no, not /this/ guy again! (To the Rat King) Take him out.
(The Rat King punches him out cold)
Blowhole: now where was I? Oh yes…It has begun! (He laughs maniacally. Thunder and lightning crash overhead)
Scene X: Penguin HQ (Inside)
(The penguins are seated around the TV, watching in horror)
(Channel One news is on, showing the destruction)
Chuck Charles: This is Chuck Charles live from Midtown Manhattan where an army of rats led by a talking dolphin on a scooter is currently ransacking the city. No, I am not seeing things.
(Camera pans to the rats overturning a hotdog cart, and eating the scattered hot dogs. Pans to an electronics store where rats are stealing a flat screen television. One stays behind to break the window glass, and people crowd the store shouting “Ooh! Free cell phones!)
(Camera pans behind them just in time to see The Rat king smash a man’s car. He runs after The Rat King shouting, “My car! Wait! Come back! We need to switch insurance information!”)
Chuck Charles: And now for the weather. Partly cloudy, with a 30% chance of showers in the afternoon. Here’s your local Doppler Radar-
(Blowhole wheels his Segway over to the camera, knocking Chuck out of the way)
Blowhole: (tauntingly) Oh, peng-yoo-ins! I’m back! That’s right! I, Dr. Francis Blowhole, have returned! I’m taking over City Hall as we speak, and since I know you’ll try-and fail- to stop me, meet me in Times square in a half hour or else! (he laughs maniacally)
Chuck Charles: Your name is Francis?? (He starts to laugh, but Blowhole smacks him with his tail before he wheels off) This is Chuck Charles, saying “Ow”. Back to you, Bonnie.
Skipper: And you thought I was being (air quotes) “unreasonable” for drilling you nonstop!
Private: (Quavers) What do we do now, Skipper?
Skipper: (Gets up and heads to his bunk) I’ve been wanting to use a plan from these files for years now!
Kowalski: Files?
(Rico and Private exchange confused glances)
(Skipper presses a button concealed underneath his pillow, and a drawer concealed by the back wall of his bunk opens, containing a drawer of files)
Skipper: /These/ files! These are the files of every bizarre and unlikely scenario I’ve thought of over the years! Plus a backup plan!
Kowalski: Very impressive sir!
Skipper: You know, Kowalski, there are known knowns. There are known unknowns. There are things we know that we know, and things we know we don’t know. There are unknown unknowns, and unknown knowns- the things we don’t know we don’t know, and the things we don’t know that we know! And I’ve prepared for every single one of them!
Rico: Wha?
Skipper: (Searches for the proper file) I hope that you know that you believe you understand what you thought I said, but what I said isn’t at all what I meant, Rico! Comprende?
Rico: Um… I’ma go wit’ no.
Skipper: Exactly. (Pulls out the correct file) Aha! Here it is!
(He reads through it, and the team waits on bated breath to hear his reply)
Skipper: Just what I would have thought to do! Ok, men… let’s commence Operation:….um…. “You Dirty Rat”?...no, wait, that sounds dumb. Um… “I Smell a Rat”? No. that sounds even more ridiculous. Commence Operation: “I Can’t think of a Name For This Operation”!
(The team stares at Skipper)
Skipper: Well? Go! Let’s move out!
Scene XI: Times Square
(Blowhole is standing in the middle of the pandemonium, smiling peacefully)
(The Rat King walks up beside him, and bends a lamp post in two)
Blowhole: Panic is a pretty sight, isn’t it? So beautiful. All those pathetic humans running away from us.
Rat King: Nah. Not to me, as much. I just like breaking stuff.
Blowhole: I’ve been thinking of a title for myself. How does “Emperor of All life on earth” sound to you? Too narcissistic, or not enough?
(A trio of rats scurry towards Blowhole)
Rat # 1: (out of breath) The (pants) penguins are coming this way.
Rat # 2: We tried to stop them, but they caught the train before we could catch up to them.
Blowhole: What are you, three inches tall or something?! How could the three of you not catch them?!
Rat # 3: Technically, Doc, we’re 5 inches tall. Besides, they’re coming, just like you wanted.
Blowhole: Yes, but I had hoped they’d be here later! I still haven’t fully taken over City Hall yet!
(To The Rat King) I want you and a portion of the rats to head over to City Hall and conquer it in my stead. I’ll meet the peng-yoo-ins at the train station Oh, and be sure to tie up the mayor.
Rat King: Why?
Blowhole: Because. I hate him.
Scene XII: The Subway
(Skipper and the penguins are riding an empty train to Times Square)
Private: I can’t believe how empty this train car is.
Kowalski: I still say we should have taken a cab. We would have been there by now. Stupid local trains! There was an express train right behind-
Skipper: yeas, Kowalski, but there were no cabs in sight! This was the first train we saw.
(Silence for a few moments)
Kowalski: (To Skipper) Sir, are you pondering what I’m pondering?
Skipper: Unless it involves stuffing three pink flamingoes into a pair of Capri pants, I don’t want to hear it.
Rico: (Regurgitates a pair of Capri pants) Hehehe…..narf.
Kowalski: Rico, please put the pants away. And no, but I’ll tell you anyway. I’m pondering why Blowhole would choose to come back after all this time. All his resources were destroyed in that explosion last year.
Skipper: Well, whatever the reason, he’s here, and we’re just going to have to stop him, like always.
Private: But what if we can’t this time, Skipper?
Skipper: (Triumphant music starts) Private, we are team penguin. There’s nothing we can’t do! We’ve beat them before and we can do it again! We live in New york city! The city that never sleeps! The city where anything can happen, and it usually does! We can do this, because we are Americans! Ask not what your country can do for you, because the only thing we have to fear is fear itself! And we will. be. victorious! (The music swells)
Kowalski: Where is that coming from?
Skipper: Oh. I forgot that my cellphone was on. Sorry. Not let’s go kick us some bad guy derriere!
Scene XIII: Times Square
(The Train pulls into the stop, and the Penguins exit)
(Blowhole wheels in, flanked by an army of rats)
Skipper: I’m not even going to say anything, because if I do-
Blowhole: Yes, we’ll end up saying “well, well, well” twenty times in a row and waste precious time that could be devoted to fighting.
Skipper: I agree. And furthermore, I’m sick of fighting you. Nearly every time, it’s the same thing. We fight, you capture us and reveal your plot, we escape, and fight with cartoonish violence, and some random and unforeseen thing happens to ultimately defeat you, and after that, we just wing it ‘til you rear your ugly head again. There’s only so many times we can make kid-friendly fighting look cool, you know.
Blowhole: See, this is why I hate you outside of the working environment. You always find new and creative ways to insult me. But I agree, Skipper. Let’s break this nasty little habit of ours and skip all the talking. Rats! Attack them!
(The rats descend on the penguins, burying them. It looks like all is lost for a moment, until the penguins burst out, fighting and kicking. It’s a blur of flying teeth and claws and feathers and flippers until all the rats are unconscious. The penguins stand triumphantly on top of the pile of unconscious rats)
Skipper: We make this look cool! Now-… hey! Where his Blowhole go?!
(They see the tail end of Blowhole’s Segway disappear up the stairs.)
Skipper: Follow that crazy cetacean!
Scene XIV: City Hall
(Blowhole wheels himself over to the Mayor’s office, where he sees the Rat King has the mayor tied up in a corner)
Blowhole: I think those peng-yoo-ins have followed me here. How fitting that my future deat of power will be the place of our final showdown. That, plus it has a spectacular view, don’t you think?
(The Penguins bust down the door just then)
Blowhole: Hey! Watch it! That is mahogany! Those doors don’t come cheap!
Skipper: (A little out of breath from running) You’re going down, just like that door!
Blowhole: It would seem you’ve lost your touch for making heroic speeches, and gained a bit of weight since we last met, Skipper!
Skipper: And you gained a bigger ego since we last met!
Blowhole: Too right you are, but no matter. Soon you won’t be making any speeches, heroic or otherwise, ever again!
(A large group of rats burst in and restrain the penguins)
Skipper: man! I hate these guys! You’d think they’d have learned some other restraining technique by now!
Rat # 2: It’s all we can do as a group, ok?
Skipper: All right, all right, all right! Jeez!
Private: You’ll never get away with this, you big bully!
Blowhole: oh, I’m quaking in my boots… If I had boots, I mean. (Snidely) And, Private, I must say I’m impressed. That’s probably the toughest thing you’ve ever said!
Kowalski: Don’t pick on Private! He’s just a boy!
Blowhole: You! Ugh. I /loathe/ you! Dating my sister practically makes us brothers-in-law! You’ll be the second to go when I rule the world!
Kowalski: Ok, you are /so/ not getting that birthday present Doris and I picked out!
Blowhole: (Excitedly) Ohh! My birthday! What did you get me?? What did you-…. (an awkward silence follows as the rats and the Penguins stare at him) Um… I mean, you can take your present, and go to Halifax for all I care! Rats! (the rats spring to attention) Take them out of my sight!
(The rats drag them out of the room. They get halfway into the hallway)
Skipper: Ready, boys?
(The Penguins say “Ready!” in unison. They break from the rats’ grip. A quick fight breaks out, and the rats are defeated)
(They belly slide back into the Mayor’s office)
Blowhole: How on Earth-
(He is interrupted by a flying kick from Skipper that sends them both crashing out of the window)
(Camera zooms in on the two, hurtling towards the ground, locked in a death grip, trying to roll around, one trying to get the other to land on his back when they hit the ground)
(They appear to fall in slow motion as they get closer the ground)
Skipper: (In slow motion) How….are….we…falling….like…this?
Blowhole: (In slow motion) Tractor….beam….on….my …….Segway. Prevents….us…from….being….injured.
(Skipper takes the opportunity to flip Blowhole on his back, slowly)
(They crash to the ground in cloud of dust)
Private: (Calls from the window) Skipper, are you all right?!
Skipper: Fine!
(A large thud is heard as The Rat King jumps from the window and hits the ground.)
Blowhole: Get my Segway and help me up, you overgrown mouse!
Rat King: (Snidely) Sure, your majesty! (he walks off to get the Segway) (Calls to him) you’d better be paying me extra for this!
Skipper: You’re going to lose, you know.
Blowhole: I thought you wanted to take a break from tradition, Skipper!
(The Rat King comes back and drops the Segway to the floor and helps Blowhole up)
Blowhole: Be careful with that! It’s custom made!
(The Rat King rolls his eyes)
Blowhole: Now, restrain those peng-yoo-ins! (To the Penguins) I hate to go so soon, but I have announcements to make! (He heads off towards the Hall, and motions for the Rat king, now holding the struggling Penguins to follow)
Skipper: Rat face! Please! For the love of Pete, let us go! Blowhole can’t be trusted!
Rat King: I don’t think you’re in an position to say anything now, flightless bird. So, shut it!
(They walk back up to the Mayor’s office)
Scene XV: The Mayor’s Office
(Blowhole sets up a camera. He sits- as best as a dolphin can sit- in the mayor’s chair)
(The Rat King stands beside him, holding the Penguins)
(Blowhole turns the camera and begins broadcasting. Rats hold up translation cards in several different languages, and one does American Sign Language)
Blowhole: Hello, you pathetic humans! If you’re just tuning in, this is your future Emperor speaking. My name is Doctor Francis Blowhole, Ph.D. Yes, I am a talking dolphin. No, you’re not seeing things. I intend to enslave humanity, and you defenseless New Yorkers are the first part of the world I intend to take over! Surrender now, or die!
Rat King: (Butting in) Yeah! And now that we have the penguins, who were responsible for saving this city from dudes like us a bunch of times! With them out of the way, Blowhole can take over the country, and I can rule the streets of New York!
Blowhole: (Pushes The Rat King out of the way) Um…actually, I’ve been thinking, and I’ve decided you’re more of a liability to me now, than an asset. You’re not worth it. You’re asking too much. Besides, your rat army now answers to me! On that note, Rats! Restrain him!
(A large pile of rats jump of The Rat King and pin him down)
Rat King: (Bellows) Traitors! Get off of me! (He struggles)
(Rats also pin the Penguins down)
Blowhole: They no longer obey you, you worthless piece of vermin! They obey me!
(Ugly, rasping laughter from the rats)
(The Rat King struggles for a moment, then bursts free of the rats that were holding him, sending them flying in all directions. He lunges towards a terrified Blowhole and punches him out cold)
Rat king: (To the penguins) Just this once, Birds. Just this once! You owe me! (Turns awkwardly to the camera. It is still broadcasting) Um. Sorry my rats and me destroyed the city. We’ll help clean it up. Um… I’m the Rat King, and I approve this message. Stay classy, America!
Scene XVI: Penguin HQ (Inside)
(The next day. The evening news is on)
Chuck Charles: This is chuck Charles coming to you live from Times square where a large cleanup effort is currently underway after the siege by the talking dolphin, Blowhole, and his rat army. (A clip is shown of Blowhole being dragged into a suspicious looking black van by government agents) He is currently at a remote Government testing facility on plum Island, being poked at, prodded at, and possibly interrogated so scientists can figure out how animals have the ability to talk. The day was saved by a mutated rodent warlord, and the same four penguins from the Central park Zoo that were discussed last year when Pete Peterson took over my job. They are being awarded by the mayor for services done to the city- long overdue, some say. This begs the question- have they always been there for us? Have all animals been there, fighting to save us or destroy us, and we haven’t noticed? Aliens? Or Voodoo magic? A famous animation company has asked to meet with the penguins, Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and private to discuss the possibility of a children’s television series called “The Penguins of –
(Skipper shuts the TV off)
Kowalski: I think I have the solution. Now that our cover’s blown for good, there’s only one thing that can fix this.
Skipper: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Kowalski: Absolutely! The (imitates Blowhole’s Ridiculously Deep Voice effect) Mind Jacker!
(He presses a button on it, the machine activates, and a bright purple flash of light blanks out the screen)
Scene XVII: A Government Testing Facility
(Blowhole is put into a crate marked “Seaville AquaFun Park, Staten Island” on a cargo boat.)
Blowhole: What was I even doing in there? Those humans didn’t even know! Well, it must have been some sort of mix up. I suppose I should take the time to work on a revenge plan on the peng-yoo-ins for destroying my lab! No matter, though. I’m free!!
(He laughs maniacally. The laughter echoes as the scene changes)
Scene XVIII: Penguin HQ
(Several hours later)
(Skipper turns on the TV)
Chuck Charles: This is Chuck Charles reporting that a cargo boat bound for Staten Island has gone missing. Sources say it was transporting a dolphin back to its Staten island Aquarium where it had been mistakenly brought to Plum Island.
Skipper: Uh-oh….
Scene XIX: A Beach
(Blowhole awakens slowly to find bits of broken wood and metal washed up on the beach beside him)
Blowhole: Oh, no…where am i? The ship must have crashed!...Ugh! My head!
(He spots a small green gecko crawling along the beach)
Blowhole: Hey! You there! Can you tell me where I am?
(The gecko says nothing, but beckons, smiling, to Blowhole. He crawls along the sand, and the gecko parts the foliage to reveal a massive gathering of partying lemurs dancing to “I Like to Move it, Move it”)
(His smile fades)
Blowhole: No! Not Madagascar! NO! No NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Screen fades to black)
Voice Cast:
Skipper-Tom McGrath
Kowalski-Jeff Bennett
Private-James Patrick Stuart
Rico- John DiMaggio
The Rat King: Diedrich Bader
Rat #1: Jeff Bennett
Rat #2: Kevin Richardson
Rat #3: John DiMaggio
Dr. Blowhole: Neil Patrick Harris
Chuck Charles: Jeff Bennett
The “My Car!” Guy: Danny Jacobs
Cab Driver: John DiMaggio
