Author’s Note: This is the third installment of my skits. First was the regular POM skits, then a set of Skilene skits, and now I present to my readers, Villain skits. If you want to read the first twenty skits, click link for the first set of regular POM skits and link for the Skilene skits. As the title says, these skits will showcase our favorite villains in some sort of funny antic, or at least that’s my goal. Any skit with a Roman numeral in brackets next to it has a skit note associated with it at the end. I hope you enjoy them.
21) Figure of Speech [XII]
“So, after we steal Skipper’s memory and listen to his most personal thoughts and secrets—including the locations of his network of hidden tunnels—we’ll start our attack,” Blowhole explained as he and Hans walked through a corridor.
“And what do we do when we get to the penguins?” Hans asked.
“I’m going to set my Diaboligizer on them, which will turn them evil,” Blowhole answered before throwing his head back with an evil dolphin cackle.
“All right, you told me your plan. That still doesn’t explain what I’m doing here,” Hans told him.
“You’re going to be the one to lure Skipper here. I’m going to have a mysterious package sent to Shanghai that will rise Skipper’s suspicions. He’ll come here on a solo mission to check it out, in which I’ll zap him with my Mind-Jacker,” Blowhole explained.
“And I …?” Hans urged.
“Will be the one in the crate. You’ll quarrel with him, backing him to the coastline, where I will be waiting,” Blowhole answered.
“How do you know he’ll be alone?” Hans asked.
“He will be,” Blowhole assured him. He turned off into a room and Hans followed. In the middle of the room, a large crate sat, open and ready to contain Hans the puffin. Some lobsters working at controls on the far sides of the room.
“Is that supposed to be what I’m going to be waiting for Skipper in?” Hans asked pointing to the crate. Blowhole grinned.
“That’s the one. Go ahead and get in. We’re setting the plan in motion as we speak,” Blowhole ordered.
Hans sighed and obeyed, getting inside the crate as a couple of lobsters secured it shut.
“I hope he comes soon so we can give him what’s coming to him!” Hans’ muffled voice said from inside. “Because otherwise, jumping through all of these hoops just isn’t worth it!”
Blowhole’s face fell flat and he turned to a lobster that was standing next to him.
“Did he seriously just say that?”
22) Recruit [XIII]
As Dr. Blowhole examined his charts for his latest scheme, a lobster minion approached from behind.
“Dr. Blowhole, we found someone. Should I send her in?” he asked.
Blowhole turned.
“Excellent, Red One. Yes, send her in immediately,” he ordered. The lobster nodded and left him. A few moments later he returned with a walrus pulling herself along by her large flippers. Blowhole cocked his brow.
“This is who you recruited for me? There better be an explanation for this,” he warned with a hard glare.
The lobster shifted uncomfortably.
“Well, I—”
“Do you want me or not, Dr. Fish-Man?” the walrus interrupted impatiently. Blowhole’s blood pressure rose.
“I am not a fish! I am a mammal!” he protested angrily. He turned to the lobster. “What made you think that we could use her to our advantage?!”
“Who would suspect a walrus as a spy?” Red One said in his defense. Blowhole scoffed.
“Skipper would suspect anyone as a spy, but a rude walrus would be one of the first,” Blowhole argued.
“Exactly! If he suspects her as a spy so quickly, he would never believe you’d be so obvious!” the lobster pointed out. Blowhole considered.
“Possibly, I suppose,” he said under his breath. He looked the walrus up and down, who looked ten times more impatient than she did five minutes ago. “State your name.”
“What’s it to you, Blubber-Brain? Do I get the job or not?” the walrus snapped. Blowhole tensed and passed her on his Segway.
“That is it! I can not work with this!”
Red One followed him out.
“Dr. Blowhole! Wait!” he called.
“What?!” Blowhole snapped as he turned to face him.
“Think about this! I really think she’ll be useful!” he told him.
“And what makes you think that?! She hasn’t made much of a first impression!” Blowhole argued. “Where did you even find her?! Hoboken?!”
“Dr. Blowhole, she has hands-on—well, flippers-on—experience! She’s got recommendations from some of the highest-ranking criminals on the other side of the nation! Apparently, her attitude actually makes her look less conspicuous,” the lobster explained. Blowhole breathed deeply and glanced back into the room.
“But she’s so …”
Inside the room, the walrus stopped a lobster that was passing her.
“Hey, you! What kind of fish can’t swim?” she asked. The lobster shrugged. “A dead one!” the walrus said before bursting out in obnoxious laughter. Blowhole grimaced.
“That,” he finished.
“I know. But I think she’s worth the trouble,” the lobster reasoned. Blowhole sighed.
“Fine. As long as communication between us minimal,” he gave in.
“Hey Fish-Face!” the walrus called. “Did you make a decision or what?! I mean, I know you can only use half your brain at a time, but come on!”
Blowhole tensely gripped the handles of his Segway, tightened his jaw, and turned away, starting down the corridor.
“Correction: As long as communication between us is through you.”
23) Hired [XIV]
Alice—who had previously been sleeping at her desk, propping herself up by her hand—woke abruptly upon the phone ringing and she answered it.
“Congratulations! You’re our third caller! That means you’ve won a free weekend cruise!” said the man on the other end.
“Huh?! What?! A free weekend cruise?! Yeah! Okay! I can do that!” she replied excitedly. Alice rushed out of her office and started collecting her things, dialing a number on her cell phone and holding it between her ear and shoulder as she packed.
“Hello?” answered a deep voice.
“Yes, I’m Zookeeper Alice at the Central Park Zoo. I received your application in the mail about you’re looking for work and I have a temporary position for you while I’m on vacation if you’re interested,” Alice told him.
“Really? Doing what?” asked the man.
“Just watching over the animals, keeping them fed. Especially watch over those penguins—they’re a tricky bunch,” Alice warned him.
“Penguins?” the man repeated. You could hear the grimace in his voice. “I would be more than happy to take over your position while you’re on vacation,” he continued, his grimace replaced with what seemed to be a smile. Alice cocked an eyebrow, but shrugged indifferently at his tone.
“Great. I’ll leave my number on my desk in case you need to reach me,” Alice told him, though she was going to “forget” to so she wouldn’t be bothered. “How soon can you be here?”
“I’ll be there in an hour,” the man said. “And I won’t at all torment the penguins into regurgitating a flamethrower to catch them in the act,” he said under his breath, intending, but failing, for Alice not to hear him. Alice remained silent for a moment.
“Whatever, weird-o,” she said before ending the call.
24) Trial and Error … And Error … And Error ... [XV]
“Officer, it wasn’t my fault! I didn’t mean to hit your vehicle! It was those penguins! Please!” X pleaded as his head was pushed into the back of the police car.
“Yeah, and a pretty butterfly made John Wilkes Booth assassinate Abraham Lincoln,” the officer replied. He and his partner cracked up and X grimaced.
“One day I’ll show you! One day those penguins will be exposed!” X protested before the door was slammed in his face. The policemen were still laughing when they climbed into the driver and passenger seats.
“And a mockingbird made Brutus kill Julius Caesar,” said one the one in the passenger seat. They both laughed harder.
“And a fluffy bunny made Bonnie and Clyde rob banks,” said the officer in the driver seat as he fumbled to start the car as he laughed uncontrollably.
“All right! I get it! You can stop now!” X protested from the back seat. The policemen ceased laughing and looked back at him, then to each other, then started laughing harder than they had been, slapping their foreheads and burying their faces into the dashboard.
X simmered in the back seat with his expression twisted in unamusement. There just wasn’t a soul on earth that believed him.
The officer in the passenger side seat regained his composure first.
“Whew!” he said wiping a tear. “Come on, Duthm. We need to get him to the station.”
Duthm wiped his own tears and shifted the car in gear while the other officer made notes on X’s offense.
“So, you said penguins were the reason you crashed into our car, Mr. X?” the officer asked with a grin.
X didn’t answer.
“Are you sure you just didn’t imagine the penguins?” the officer questioned.
X still didn’t answer.
“Upholding your right to remain silent. That’s a shame. I could have used another good laugh,” the officer said glancing back at X, whose face was warped with anger and agitation.
“This isn’t fair,” X finally said. “I’m not crazy! Those penguins are out to get me! And you so-called policemen are too stupid to realize it!” He said it before he realized what he was saying.
The officer in the passenger side seat turned around with wide eyes.
“Reckless driving and insulting a police officer! You are not helping yourself here, dirtbag,” he said making another note.
“No! That’s not what I meant! What I mean is that you’re just too blind to see the truth—I mean—”
“More insults toward a police officer! You are in big trouble, Mr. X!” Duthm spat from the driver seat, turning around another block.
“What I’m trying to say is that no one even cares to listen to me! I’m not crazy!” X told them. They both scoffed.
“Sure. And I’m not a police officer,” Duthm replied.
“Not a good one!” X blurted without thinking. “Wait—!”
“All right! You’d best shut your mouth right now!” Duthm warned.
X slumped back into the seat.
“I hate penguins.”
25) Good Kitty
It was an early morning in Hoboken, New Jersey. Though, not especially quiet.
“No, that was in my habitat! You’re just a little thief! Now, give it back!” Rhonda snapped, trying to make a grab for the handful of fish Hans was holding.
“Nah-uh! Gracious threw these fish in my habitat! So there!” he shot back, holding the fish defensively.
“Her name’s Gladys, you undergrown duck!” Rhonda snapped.
Clemson rolled his eyes as the argument continued between Rhonda and Hans in the neighboring habitat and he watched as Gladys make her way over to his habitat.
“Yes! Finally! I wonder what she brought me—fruit? Mosquito?” He wondered aloud, rubbing his hands together as Gladys stopped short of his habitat.
“And now for you, my little cutie!” she said as she popped open a can of Purina ® cat food and dumped it out in front of him. “Enjoy! Oh, such an adorable kitty cat!” Gladys added before leaving him.
Clemson bewilderedly stared down at the pile of cat chow at his feet, then to his reflection in a nearby puddle.
“Are you kidding me?”
26) Fast Friends [XVI]
Francis Alberta stared down at her smoothie and stirred the straw around in it. Her had her head propped up on her fist.
“Rough day?” the waiter said as he slid a small napkin in front of her and put a small bowl of cherries on top of it.
“You could say that,” Francis replied irritably. She picked up a cherry by its stem and plucked the fruit off with her teeth. Finally, she glanced up and a wave of recognition smacked her in the face. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”
The waiter shifted uncomfortably before he felt the same way about the woman at the counter.
“I could say the same about you,” he said.
“Well, I’m sort of well-known, so to speak. I … I have a record,” she said without meeting his eye. “What about you? Where do I know you from?”
The waiter sighed.
“I go by X. I also have a record,” the waiter admitted quietly.
“X?” Francis repeated looking down in concentration. “Oh, I know who you are. You’re that guy with a thing for penguins.”
X grimaced.
“Somethin’ like that,” he said before scrubbing angrily at the counter, though it was spotless already.
“Well, I don’t think you’re crazy. My life was going just fine until a quadrant of penguins came along,” Francis said before taking a sip of her smoothie.
X stopped scrubbing abruptly and shot her a look.
“Really?” he said disbelievingly.
Francis nodded.
“Yeah. I mean, I can’t blame you for hating penguins if I hate my share as well. Who knows, maybe we hate the same penguins,” Francis replied. X smiled slightly.
“I guess that could be a possibility. What exactly did they do to you?” he asked her.
“Cost me my job,” Francis muttered with a roll of her eyes. X’s brow lowered curiously.
“Mine, too,” he told her. “Actually, several of them,” he corrected himself.
Francis cocked a brow.
“Hm. Must be their thing.”
“Probably,” X replied before returning to scrubbing the counter, though not as violently. When he glanced back at Francis, she had her eyes fixed on his biceps with a one-sided smile and he shifted his balance to his other foot.
“C-Can I get you anything else?” he asked nervously. Francis shifted her gaze to his eyes and smiled brightly.
“No,” she answered with a shake of her head. “I’ll take my bill now.”
X nodded and left to a cash register, then returned with her bill. After Francis pulled her balance from her wallet and signed the bill, she slid them across the counter.
“Thank you. Have a nice day,” she said before turning to leave. X awkwardly cleared his throat and nodded.
“You, too,” he replied picking the bill up from the counter. He noticed some writing under her signature.
555-9418 Call me. ♥
X’s eyes widened and he glanced up. Francis was waiting at the door looking back at him and she winked before leaving.
X blinked twice before his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell unconscious.
27) Brainwashing Expert [XVII]
“Ha-ha! Buck Rockgut! You have fallen into my trap like the fool you are!” the Red Squirrel taunted as he watched Buck struggle against his restraints.
“Now what, Red? You gonna throw tomatoes at me or something? You call this a trap!” Buck taunted.
“Don’t tempt me. And you’re restricted, aren’t you!” Red shot back.
“Yeah, yeah. Not for long, Red!” Buck assured him. Red laughed.
“I’d like to see you try. Now, onto my diabolical plan to rid of America’s greatest penguin commandos!” he said triumphantly.
“And how do you plan to do that, Red?” Buck asked unconvincingly.
“I’m not. You are,” Red said smiling maleficently.
“Beg your pardon?” Buck replied with his brow lowering in confusion.
“Hypnosis!” Red answered. He threw his head back in victorious laughter. Buck joined in guffaw, causing Red to cease laughing in bewilderment.
“What?! What are you laughing about! You’re supposed to be scared out of your itsy bitsy feathers!” Red asked angrily. Buck took a few deep breaths.
“Wow, hypnosis? This I gotta see,” he replied relaxing back against the wall, hanging by the restraints.
“I will have you know that I am a hypnosis expert!” Red insisted. He turned to his side and added under his breath, “I saw it on the television.”
Buck snickered.
“I’ll show you! Wait here! I mean, not that you have a choice,” Red said as he walked into the next room. He returned with a golden pocket watch.
“Now, we’ll see who will be having the last laugh!”
Red held the watch in front of Rockgut’s face and swung it from side to side.
“Eyes on the watch,” he commanded. “You are now getting very sleepy. Your eyes are getting heavy and you feel very relaxed. Very relaxed …” Red started. His voice started to soften. “And when I count to three, you will be in a very—” Red yawned— “deep sleep. One …” Red’s eyes slowly opened and closed. “Two …” He yawned. “Three.”
Red’s eyes fell closed and he toppled to the floor. Buck looked at him for a minute with his brow cocked.
“Did he just …?”
Buck burst out laughing uncontrollably.
“Hypnosis expert! That’s one way to look at it!”
28) Brains Vs. Befuddled
The Blue Hen paced through the park, muttering irritably to herself as she thought over how she was going to go about getting revenge on those blasted penguins once and for all. Finally, she stopped by a tree to sit down.
She’d gone over several ideas through her head, but it was a lot harder to come up with a good scheme now that they had kicked her out of the zoo. When she lived in the zoo, it was easier to spy on them to know what to expect. She knew everything from before they kicked her out of the zoo and prior. It was impossible to know what kinds of things they had now.
“Hello?”
Blue turned at the sound of the voice and found herself staring at a squirrel.
“What do you want?”
“I was just wondering what you were doing at my tree,” the squirrel replied in a slow monotone.
“Nothing for you to be concerned with, Fred,” Blue replied. She’d seen the penguins encounter Fred before and knew exactly what to expect in engaging a conversation with him.
“How do you know my name? Are you psychotic?” Fred asked stepping closer.
“It’s psychic. And I guess I am, in a way,” Blue replied smugly. “Now, leave me alone.”
“How does one become psychotic?” Fred asked, ignoring Blue’s request.
Blue sighed impatiently.
“I don’t have time for this,” she muttered.
“For what?” Fred inquired.
“This,” Blue replied sternly, getting to her feet.
“You don’t have time for standing? Then why don’t you sit back down?” Fred asked curiously. Blue’s expression went flat.
“You really are incompetent, aren’t you,” Blue stated rather than inquired. Fred smiled.
“Hey, that’s what my Granny tells me! You really are psychotic!”
Blue looked Fred up and down with her eyes.
“Yes, Fred. I’m psychic. And I predict that you’re going to go back into your tree in the next thirty seconds,” she told him.
“Wow, I wasn’t even thinking about going back to my tree, but I guess I’m supposed to since you predicted it,” Fred replied.
“Make that ten seconds,” Blue said impatiently.
“Oh, then I’d better get going,” Fred said climbing back up into his tree.
“And you’re also going to be absolutely silent when you get there!” Blue called up.
Fred climbed into the hole in the tree that he called home and poked his head out and nodded down at Blue before disappearing into the hole again. Blue smiled.
“Too easy.”
29) Tangled
“Take that back, you little rat!”
“No! It’s true and you know it, garden snake!”
Savio continued to chase Hans through the Hoboken Zoo as the other inhabitants watched the show with amusement.
“I told you a million times! I am not a garden snake! I am a boa constrictor you overgrown parakeet!” Savio shot back slithering after him with great speed.
Hans took a sharp turn to the left and darted into the zoo’s gift shop. Savio pursued.
Once inside, Hans pulled a plan off the top of his head and threw himself under a table turning sharply around one of its legs as Savio chased him underneath. Hans then jumped up onto a clothing rack and threw himself over and under back to the other side, grabbing a tape measure that was draped over a hanger on his way down. Savio followed. Hans sprinted back for the table and threw himself around another leg and doubled back, looping the measuring tape around Savio’s tail end and double-knotted it securely to his midsection. Savio could almost reach him, but no matter how hard he tried, his body was too tangled to stretch any further.
“Ha!” Hans taunted in triumph. Savio grunted in frustration.
“This isn’t over! I’m going to get out of this, and when I do, you’ll have hell to pay, mi enemigo!” he threatened.
“Ooh! I’m so scared!” Hans shot back, ignoring his intimidation. “Who’s the fool, now?! Ha-ha!”
Hans turned with a laugh and tripped over Savio’s midsection, tumbling into a rack full of yo-yo’s. When he pulled himself to his feet, he was covered in string. He pushed and pulled them to the side, but that only made matters worse as the string tightened around him. When he was finally nothing but a tangled mess, he fell to his side, struggling. With an aggravated sigh, he stopped, knowing that it was no use. That’s when he realized that Savio was snickering uncontrollably.
“Apparently, it’s still you, mi amigo,” he taunted.
30) Clear and Concise [XVIII]
“All right, we all got the plan, now?” the Amarillo Kid asked Gomer and Bo, the gophers.
“Sure do, Kid,” Gomer answered. “You go’n trick Private into thinkin’ we threatenin’ to steal yer shell and then we go’n trick all them penguins to come steal the Westchester Putter while Private helps you grab it.”
“No, I’m goin’ to trick Private into thinkin’ yer goin’ to steal my shell if we don’t steal the Westchester Putter that I’m supposedly goin’ to use to beat you two at a game. Then yer goin’ to trick them other penguins to come here so we’s can trap ‘em by tellin’ them that I tricked Private into helping me steal the Westchester Putter in the first place, and trick them into comin’ to us so’s we can trap ‘em all so’s they don’ come after us,” Kid explained.
“Right,” Bo replied. “So, you go’n trick Private into stealin’ the Putter and we go’n trick the penguins into chasin’ after you and then we go’n trap ‘em and make ‘em watch you play golf with us.”
“No,” Gomer disagreed. “We’re go’n trick the penguins into followin’ Kid to the Putter so’s they can steal it and give it to us!”
“Yer both wrong! Listen, I’m trickin’ Private into stealing the Putter with me ‘cause he’s goin’ to think yer threatenin’ to take my shell. Then yer gonna trick the other penguins into thinkin’ that I hornswoggled you two out of all yer belongin’s and yer gonna lead them to me and Private. We’re gonna trap ‘em and steal the putter ourselves,” Kid explained again.
“Right. You trick Private into stealing the Putter, then we trick the other penguins into comin’ so we can take your shell and personal belongin’s,” Bo answered.
“What?! No! That’s not what I said! Look, all you need to know is that you need to trick the penguins into comin’ after Private by tellin’ them that I hornswoggled you. When they get there, we’ll trap the penguins and take off with the Putter. Is that clear, now?”
Bo and Gomer nodded.
“Oh, wait, so when do we take yer shell?” Bo asked.
“You don’t! We just need Private to think y’are!” Kid answered angrily.
“Then we make the penguins think we stole the Putter so’s they come after Private?” Gomer asked.
Kid gripped his head in and threw it back in frustration.
“No! That doesn’t even make sense! Listen, just get the penguins to come after Private! All right?!”
“But I thought you were trickin’ the penguins,” Bo inquired scratching his head.
“We’re all trickin’ the penguins!” Kid said through clenched teeth.
“And we’re trickin’ Private,” Gomer said with an understanding nod.
“No, I’m trickin’ Private! Yer trickin’ the other penguins!” Kid said pointing angrily at them.
“So, yer trickin’ Private, we’re trickin’ the other penguins, and Private’s goin’ to steal the Putter, and we’re gonna trap the penguins?” Bo asked.
“Yes,” Kid said with relief.
“Then we take your belongin’s?” Gomer added.
Kid took a deep breath of frustration and turned to the side, repeatedly banging his forehead into the wall.
Gomer and Bo exchanged a glance. Bo scratched his head and looked back to the Amarillo Kid.
“You all right, Mr. ‘Marillo Kid?”
— § —
[XII] This takes place preceding The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole.
[XIII] This takes place preceding Roomies.
[XIV] This takes place during the beginning of The Officer X Factor.
[XV] This takes place following A Kipper For Skipper. For anyone who doesn’t know, Abraham Lincoln was The United States of America’s sixteenth president and was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth on April 14, 1865 at Ford’s Theatre. Julius Caesar was a Roman emperor who was killed by his best friend, Brutus and company, by stabbing him several times in ancient Rome. And lastly, Bonnie and Clyde were two famous criminals during The United States’ Great Depression in the early- to mid-1900s.
[XVI] I’m seriously worried about myself now. I have a feeling you are, too.
[XVII] This takes place preceding Our Man In Grrfurjiclestan.
[XVIII] This takes place preceding Showdown On Fairway 18.
Extra Side Note: I realize that it’s really easy to do skits in relation to an episode. LOL
21) Figure of Speech [XII]
“So, after we steal Skipper’s memory and listen to his most personal thoughts and secrets—including the locations of his network of hidden tunnels—we’ll start our attack,” Blowhole explained as he and Hans walked through a corridor.
“And what do we do when we get to the penguins?” Hans asked.
“I’m going to set my Diaboligizer on them, which will turn them evil,” Blowhole answered before throwing his head back with an evil dolphin cackle.
“All right, you told me your plan. That still doesn’t explain what I’m doing here,” Hans told him.
“You’re going to be the one to lure Skipper here. I’m going to have a mysterious package sent to Shanghai that will rise Skipper’s suspicions. He’ll come here on a solo mission to check it out, in which I’ll zap him with my Mind-Jacker,” Blowhole explained.
“And I …?” Hans urged.
“Will be the one in the crate. You’ll quarrel with him, backing him to the coastline, where I will be waiting,” Blowhole answered.
“How do you know he’ll be alone?” Hans asked.
“He will be,” Blowhole assured him. He turned off into a room and Hans followed. In the middle of the room, a large crate sat, open and ready to contain Hans the puffin. Some lobsters working at controls on the far sides of the room.
“Is that supposed to be what I’m going to be waiting for Skipper in?” Hans asked pointing to the crate. Blowhole grinned.
“That’s the one. Go ahead and get in. We’re setting the plan in motion as we speak,” Blowhole ordered.
Hans sighed and obeyed, getting inside the crate as a couple of lobsters secured it shut.
“I hope he comes soon so we can give him what’s coming to him!” Hans’ muffled voice said from inside. “Because otherwise, jumping through all of these hoops just isn’t worth it!”
Blowhole’s face fell flat and he turned to a lobster that was standing next to him.
“Did he seriously just say that?”
22) Recruit [XIII]
As Dr. Blowhole examined his charts for his latest scheme, a lobster minion approached from behind.
“Dr. Blowhole, we found someone. Should I send her in?” he asked.
Blowhole turned.
“Excellent, Red One. Yes, send her in immediately,” he ordered. The lobster nodded and left him. A few moments later he returned with a walrus pulling herself along by her large flippers. Blowhole cocked his brow.
“This is who you recruited for me? There better be an explanation for this,” he warned with a hard glare.
The lobster shifted uncomfortably.
“Well, I—”
“Do you want me or not, Dr. Fish-Man?” the walrus interrupted impatiently. Blowhole’s blood pressure rose.
“I am not a fish! I am a mammal!” he protested angrily. He turned to the lobster. “What made you think that we could use her to our advantage?!”
“Who would suspect a walrus as a spy?” Red One said in his defense. Blowhole scoffed.
“Skipper would suspect anyone as a spy, but a rude walrus would be one of the first,” Blowhole argued.
“Exactly! If he suspects her as a spy so quickly, he would never believe you’d be so obvious!” the lobster pointed out. Blowhole considered.
“Possibly, I suppose,” he said under his breath. He looked the walrus up and down, who looked ten times more impatient than she did five minutes ago. “State your name.”
“What’s it to you, Blubber-Brain? Do I get the job or not?” the walrus snapped. Blowhole tensed and passed her on his Segway.
“That is it! I can not work with this!”
Red One followed him out.
“Dr. Blowhole! Wait!” he called.
“What?!” Blowhole snapped as he turned to face him.
“Think about this! I really think she’ll be useful!” he told him.
“And what makes you think that?! She hasn’t made much of a first impression!” Blowhole argued. “Where did you even find her?! Hoboken?!”
“Dr. Blowhole, she has hands-on—well, flippers-on—experience! She’s got recommendations from some of the highest-ranking criminals on the other side of the nation! Apparently, her attitude actually makes her look less conspicuous,” the lobster explained. Blowhole breathed deeply and glanced back into the room.
“But she’s so …”
Inside the room, the walrus stopped a lobster that was passing her.
“Hey, you! What kind of fish can’t swim?” she asked. The lobster shrugged. “A dead one!” the walrus said before bursting out in obnoxious laughter. Blowhole grimaced.
“That,” he finished.
“I know. But I think she’s worth the trouble,” the lobster reasoned. Blowhole sighed.
“Fine. As long as communication between us minimal,” he gave in.
“Hey Fish-Face!” the walrus called. “Did you make a decision or what?! I mean, I know you can only use half your brain at a time, but come on!”
Blowhole tensely gripped the handles of his Segway, tightened his jaw, and turned away, starting down the corridor.
“Correction: As long as communication between us is through you.”
23) Hired [XIV]
Alice—who had previously been sleeping at her desk, propping herself up by her hand—woke abruptly upon the phone ringing and she answered it.
“Congratulations! You’re our third caller! That means you’ve won a free weekend cruise!” said the man on the other end.
“Huh?! What?! A free weekend cruise?! Yeah! Okay! I can do that!” she replied excitedly. Alice rushed out of her office and started collecting her things, dialing a number on her cell phone and holding it between her ear and shoulder as she packed.
“Hello?” answered a deep voice.
“Yes, I’m Zookeeper Alice at the Central Park Zoo. I received your application in the mail about you’re looking for work and I have a temporary position for you while I’m on vacation if you’re interested,” Alice told him.
“Really? Doing what?” asked the man.
“Just watching over the animals, keeping them fed. Especially watch over those penguins—they’re a tricky bunch,” Alice warned him.
“Penguins?” the man repeated. You could hear the grimace in his voice. “I would be more than happy to take over your position while you’re on vacation,” he continued, his grimace replaced with what seemed to be a smile. Alice cocked an eyebrow, but shrugged indifferently at his tone.
“Great. I’ll leave my number on my desk in case you need to reach me,” Alice told him, though she was going to “forget” to so she wouldn’t be bothered. “How soon can you be here?”
“I’ll be there in an hour,” the man said. “And I won’t at all torment the penguins into regurgitating a flamethrower to catch them in the act,” he said under his breath, intending, but failing, for Alice not to hear him. Alice remained silent for a moment.
“Whatever, weird-o,” she said before ending the call.
24) Trial and Error … And Error … And Error ... [XV]
“Officer, it wasn’t my fault! I didn’t mean to hit your vehicle! It was those penguins! Please!” X pleaded as his head was pushed into the back of the police car.
“Yeah, and a pretty butterfly made John Wilkes Booth assassinate Abraham Lincoln,” the officer replied. He and his partner cracked up and X grimaced.
“One day I’ll show you! One day those penguins will be exposed!” X protested before the door was slammed in his face. The policemen were still laughing when they climbed into the driver and passenger seats.
“And a mockingbird made Brutus kill Julius Caesar,” said one the one in the passenger seat. They both laughed harder.
“And a fluffy bunny made Bonnie and Clyde rob banks,” said the officer in the driver seat as he fumbled to start the car as he laughed uncontrollably.
“All right! I get it! You can stop now!” X protested from the back seat. The policemen ceased laughing and looked back at him, then to each other, then started laughing harder than they had been, slapping their foreheads and burying their faces into the dashboard.
X simmered in the back seat with his expression twisted in unamusement. There just wasn’t a soul on earth that believed him.
The officer in the passenger side seat regained his composure first.
“Whew!” he said wiping a tear. “Come on, Duthm. We need to get him to the station.”
Duthm wiped his own tears and shifted the car in gear while the other officer made notes on X’s offense.
“So, you said penguins were the reason you crashed into our car, Mr. X?” the officer asked with a grin.
X didn’t answer.
“Are you sure you just didn’t imagine the penguins?” the officer questioned.
X still didn’t answer.
“Upholding your right to remain silent. That’s a shame. I could have used another good laugh,” the officer said glancing back at X, whose face was warped with anger and agitation.
“This isn’t fair,” X finally said. “I’m not crazy! Those penguins are out to get me! And you so-called policemen are too stupid to realize it!” He said it before he realized what he was saying.
The officer in the passenger side seat turned around with wide eyes.
“Reckless driving and insulting a police officer! You are not helping yourself here, dirtbag,” he said making another note.
“No! That’s not what I meant! What I mean is that you’re just too blind to see the truth—I mean—”
“More insults toward a police officer! You are in big trouble, Mr. X!” Duthm spat from the driver seat, turning around another block.
“What I’m trying to say is that no one even cares to listen to me! I’m not crazy!” X told them. They both scoffed.
“Sure. And I’m not a police officer,” Duthm replied.
“Not a good one!” X blurted without thinking. “Wait—!”
“All right! You’d best shut your mouth right now!” Duthm warned.
X slumped back into the seat.
“I hate penguins.”
25) Good Kitty
It was an early morning in Hoboken, New Jersey. Though, not especially quiet.
“No, that was in my habitat! You’re just a little thief! Now, give it back!” Rhonda snapped, trying to make a grab for the handful of fish Hans was holding.
“Nah-uh! Gracious threw these fish in my habitat! So there!” he shot back, holding the fish defensively.
“Her name’s Gladys, you undergrown duck!” Rhonda snapped.
Clemson rolled his eyes as the argument continued between Rhonda and Hans in the neighboring habitat and he watched as Gladys make her way over to his habitat.
“Yes! Finally! I wonder what she brought me—fruit? Mosquito?” He wondered aloud, rubbing his hands together as Gladys stopped short of his habitat.
“And now for you, my little cutie!” she said as she popped open a can of Purina ® cat food and dumped it out in front of him. “Enjoy! Oh, such an adorable kitty cat!” Gladys added before leaving him.
Clemson bewilderedly stared down at the pile of cat chow at his feet, then to his reflection in a nearby puddle.
“Are you kidding me?”
26) Fast Friends [XVI]
Francis Alberta stared down at her smoothie and stirred the straw around in it. Her had her head propped up on her fist.
“Rough day?” the waiter said as he slid a small napkin in front of her and put a small bowl of cherries on top of it.
“You could say that,” Francis replied irritably. She picked up a cherry by its stem and plucked the fruit off with her teeth. Finally, she glanced up and a wave of recognition smacked her in the face. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”
The waiter shifted uncomfortably before he felt the same way about the woman at the counter.
“I could say the same about you,” he said.
“Well, I’m sort of well-known, so to speak. I … I have a record,” she said without meeting his eye. “What about you? Where do I know you from?”
The waiter sighed.
“I go by X. I also have a record,” the waiter admitted quietly.
“X?” Francis repeated looking down in concentration. “Oh, I know who you are. You’re that guy with a thing for penguins.”
X grimaced.
“Somethin’ like that,” he said before scrubbing angrily at the counter, though it was spotless already.
“Well, I don’t think you’re crazy. My life was going just fine until a quadrant of penguins came along,” Francis said before taking a sip of her smoothie.
X stopped scrubbing abruptly and shot her a look.
“Really?” he said disbelievingly.
Francis nodded.
“Yeah. I mean, I can’t blame you for hating penguins if I hate my share as well. Who knows, maybe we hate the same penguins,” Francis replied. X smiled slightly.
“I guess that could be a possibility. What exactly did they do to you?” he asked her.
“Cost me my job,” Francis muttered with a roll of her eyes. X’s brow lowered curiously.
“Mine, too,” he told her. “Actually, several of them,” he corrected himself.
Francis cocked a brow.
“Hm. Must be their thing.”
“Probably,” X replied before returning to scrubbing the counter, though not as violently. When he glanced back at Francis, she had her eyes fixed on his biceps with a one-sided smile and he shifted his balance to his other foot.
“C-Can I get you anything else?” he asked nervously. Francis shifted her gaze to his eyes and smiled brightly.
“No,” she answered with a shake of her head. “I’ll take my bill now.”
X nodded and left to a cash register, then returned with her bill. After Francis pulled her balance from her wallet and signed the bill, she slid them across the counter.
“Thank you. Have a nice day,” she said before turning to leave. X awkwardly cleared his throat and nodded.
“You, too,” he replied picking the bill up from the counter. He noticed some writing under her signature.
555-9418 Call me. ♥
X’s eyes widened and he glanced up. Francis was waiting at the door looking back at him and she winked before leaving.
X blinked twice before his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell unconscious.
27) Brainwashing Expert [XVII]
“Ha-ha! Buck Rockgut! You have fallen into my trap like the fool you are!” the Red Squirrel taunted as he watched Buck struggle against his restraints.
“Now what, Red? You gonna throw tomatoes at me or something? You call this a trap!” Buck taunted.
“Don’t tempt me. And you’re restricted, aren’t you!” Red shot back.
“Yeah, yeah. Not for long, Red!” Buck assured him. Red laughed.
“I’d like to see you try. Now, onto my diabolical plan to rid of America’s greatest penguin commandos!” he said triumphantly.
“And how do you plan to do that, Red?” Buck asked unconvincingly.
“I’m not. You are,” Red said smiling maleficently.
“Beg your pardon?” Buck replied with his brow lowering in confusion.
“Hypnosis!” Red answered. He threw his head back in victorious laughter. Buck joined in guffaw, causing Red to cease laughing in bewilderment.
“What?! What are you laughing about! You’re supposed to be scared out of your itsy bitsy feathers!” Red asked angrily. Buck took a few deep breaths.
“Wow, hypnosis? This I gotta see,” he replied relaxing back against the wall, hanging by the restraints.
“I will have you know that I am a hypnosis expert!” Red insisted. He turned to his side and added under his breath, “I saw it on the television.”
Buck snickered.
“I’ll show you! Wait here! I mean, not that you have a choice,” Red said as he walked into the next room. He returned with a golden pocket watch.
“Now, we’ll see who will be having the last laugh!”
Red held the watch in front of Rockgut’s face and swung it from side to side.
“Eyes on the watch,” he commanded. “You are now getting very sleepy. Your eyes are getting heavy and you feel very relaxed. Very relaxed …” Red started. His voice started to soften. “And when I count to three, you will be in a very—” Red yawned— “deep sleep. One …” Red’s eyes slowly opened and closed. “Two …” He yawned. “Three.”
Red’s eyes fell closed and he toppled to the floor. Buck looked at him for a minute with his brow cocked.
“Did he just …?”
Buck burst out laughing uncontrollably.
“Hypnosis expert! That’s one way to look at it!”
28) Brains Vs. Befuddled
The Blue Hen paced through the park, muttering irritably to herself as she thought over how she was going to go about getting revenge on those blasted penguins once and for all. Finally, she stopped by a tree to sit down.
She’d gone over several ideas through her head, but it was a lot harder to come up with a good scheme now that they had kicked her out of the zoo. When she lived in the zoo, it was easier to spy on them to know what to expect. She knew everything from before they kicked her out of the zoo and prior. It was impossible to know what kinds of things they had now.
“Hello?”
Blue turned at the sound of the voice and found herself staring at a squirrel.
“What do you want?”
“I was just wondering what you were doing at my tree,” the squirrel replied in a slow monotone.
“Nothing for you to be concerned with, Fred,” Blue replied. She’d seen the penguins encounter Fred before and knew exactly what to expect in engaging a conversation with him.
“How do you know my name? Are you psychotic?” Fred asked stepping closer.
“It’s psychic. And I guess I am, in a way,” Blue replied smugly. “Now, leave me alone.”
“How does one become psychotic?” Fred asked, ignoring Blue’s request.
Blue sighed impatiently.
“I don’t have time for this,” she muttered.
“For what?” Fred inquired.
“This,” Blue replied sternly, getting to her feet.
“You don’t have time for standing? Then why don’t you sit back down?” Fred asked curiously. Blue’s expression went flat.
“You really are incompetent, aren’t you,” Blue stated rather than inquired. Fred smiled.
“Hey, that’s what my Granny tells me! You really are psychotic!”
Blue looked Fred up and down with her eyes.
“Yes, Fred. I’m psychic. And I predict that you’re going to go back into your tree in the next thirty seconds,” she told him.
“Wow, I wasn’t even thinking about going back to my tree, but I guess I’m supposed to since you predicted it,” Fred replied.
“Make that ten seconds,” Blue said impatiently.
“Oh, then I’d better get going,” Fred said climbing back up into his tree.
“And you’re also going to be absolutely silent when you get there!” Blue called up.
Fred climbed into the hole in the tree that he called home and poked his head out and nodded down at Blue before disappearing into the hole again. Blue smiled.
“Too easy.”
29) Tangled
“Take that back, you little rat!”
“No! It’s true and you know it, garden snake!”
Savio continued to chase Hans through the Hoboken Zoo as the other inhabitants watched the show with amusement.
“I told you a million times! I am not a garden snake! I am a boa constrictor you overgrown parakeet!” Savio shot back slithering after him with great speed.
Hans took a sharp turn to the left and darted into the zoo’s gift shop. Savio pursued.
Once inside, Hans pulled a plan off the top of his head and threw himself under a table turning sharply around one of its legs as Savio chased him underneath. Hans then jumped up onto a clothing rack and threw himself over and under back to the other side, grabbing a tape measure that was draped over a hanger on his way down. Savio followed. Hans sprinted back for the table and threw himself around another leg and doubled back, looping the measuring tape around Savio’s tail end and double-knotted it securely to his midsection. Savio could almost reach him, but no matter how hard he tried, his body was too tangled to stretch any further.
“Ha!” Hans taunted in triumph. Savio grunted in frustration.
“This isn’t over! I’m going to get out of this, and when I do, you’ll have hell to pay, mi enemigo!” he threatened.
“Ooh! I’m so scared!” Hans shot back, ignoring his intimidation. “Who’s the fool, now?! Ha-ha!”
Hans turned with a laugh and tripped over Savio’s midsection, tumbling into a rack full of yo-yo’s. When he pulled himself to his feet, he was covered in string. He pushed and pulled them to the side, but that only made matters worse as the string tightened around him. When he was finally nothing but a tangled mess, he fell to his side, struggling. With an aggravated sigh, he stopped, knowing that it was no use. That’s when he realized that Savio was snickering uncontrollably.
“Apparently, it’s still you, mi amigo,” he taunted.
30) Clear and Concise [XVIII]
“All right, we all got the plan, now?” the Amarillo Kid asked Gomer and Bo, the gophers.
“Sure do, Kid,” Gomer answered. “You go’n trick Private into thinkin’ we threatenin’ to steal yer shell and then we go’n trick all them penguins to come steal the Westchester Putter while Private helps you grab it.”
“No, I’m goin’ to trick Private into thinkin’ yer goin’ to steal my shell if we don’t steal the Westchester Putter that I’m supposedly goin’ to use to beat you two at a game. Then yer goin’ to trick them other penguins to come here so we’s can trap ‘em by tellin’ them that I tricked Private into helping me steal the Westchester Putter in the first place, and trick them into comin’ to us so’s we can trap ‘em all so’s they don’ come after us,” Kid explained.
“Right,” Bo replied. “So, you go’n trick Private into stealin’ the Putter and we go’n trick the penguins into chasin’ after you and then we go’n trap ‘em and make ‘em watch you play golf with us.”
“No,” Gomer disagreed. “We’re go’n trick the penguins into followin’ Kid to the Putter so’s they can steal it and give it to us!”
“Yer both wrong! Listen, I’m trickin’ Private into stealing the Putter with me ‘cause he’s goin’ to think yer threatenin’ to take my shell. Then yer gonna trick the other penguins into thinkin’ that I hornswoggled you two out of all yer belongin’s and yer gonna lead them to me and Private. We’re gonna trap ‘em and steal the putter ourselves,” Kid explained again.
“Right. You trick Private into stealing the Putter, then we trick the other penguins into comin’ so we can take your shell and personal belongin’s,” Bo answered.
“What?! No! That’s not what I said! Look, all you need to know is that you need to trick the penguins into comin’ after Private by tellin’ them that I hornswoggled you. When they get there, we’ll trap the penguins and take off with the Putter. Is that clear, now?”
Bo and Gomer nodded.
“Oh, wait, so when do we take yer shell?” Bo asked.
“You don’t! We just need Private to think y’are!” Kid answered angrily.
“Then we make the penguins think we stole the Putter so’s they come after Private?” Gomer asked.
Kid gripped his head in and threw it back in frustration.
“No! That doesn’t even make sense! Listen, just get the penguins to come after Private! All right?!”
“But I thought you were trickin’ the penguins,” Bo inquired scratching his head.
“We’re all trickin’ the penguins!” Kid said through clenched teeth.
“And we’re trickin’ Private,” Gomer said with an understanding nod.
“No, I’m trickin’ Private! Yer trickin’ the other penguins!” Kid said pointing angrily at them.
“So, yer trickin’ Private, we’re trickin’ the other penguins, and Private’s goin’ to steal the Putter, and we’re gonna trap the penguins?” Bo asked.
“Yes,” Kid said with relief.
“Then we take your belongin’s?” Gomer added.
Kid took a deep breath of frustration and turned to the side, repeatedly banging his forehead into the wall.
Gomer and Bo exchanged a glance. Bo scratched his head and looked back to the Amarillo Kid.
“You all right, Mr. ‘Marillo Kid?”
— § —
[XII] This takes place preceding The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole.
[XIII] This takes place preceding Roomies.
[XIV] This takes place during the beginning of The Officer X Factor.
[XV] This takes place following A Kipper For Skipper. For anyone who doesn’t know, Abraham Lincoln was The United States of America’s sixteenth president and was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth on April 14, 1865 at Ford’s Theatre. Julius Caesar was a Roman emperor who was killed by his best friend, Brutus and company, by stabbing him several times in ancient Rome. And lastly, Bonnie and Clyde were two famous criminals during The United States’ Great Depression in the early- to mid-1900s.
[XVI] I’m seriously worried about myself now. I have a feeling you are, too.
[XVII] This takes place preceding Our Man In Grrfurjiclestan.
[XVIII] This takes place preceding Showdown On Fairway 18.
Extra Side Note: I realize that it’s really easy to do skits in relation to an episode. LOL
Take ten minutes to fill out this survey, it doesn't matter weither your a writer or just enjoy reading fanfics, your information will help. Don't worry it's completely anonymous, who knows? maybe this could be the start of something great for Fanfiction, maybe finally our work will be recognized!. :D
link /r/Q8XR7FR
