1. Call him Eddy all the time.
2: Give yourself a paper cut, then put it in your mouth and say, "Mm, delicious! Want some?"
3: Say, "You don't look that scary!"
4: Use vampire expressions like, "Holy Dracula!" and "Goodbye Sweet Transylvania."
5: Visualize yourself naked.
6: Ask him to help you do something impossible (ex: Save the world.) When he says he can't, say, "I'm sure Jacob could help me."
7: Drive REALLY slow.
8: Volunteer him for a blood drive.
9: Hold up a bottle of ketchup and say, "Look! Blood! OOOOOOHH!"
10: Hang up posters that say, "I support Jacob Black" and "Jacob Black for President" all over his room.
11: Throw him to the crazy fan girl mobs.
12: Tie Bella to some railroad tracks. When he gets mad, say, "Wow! A little overprotective aren't we? I'm sure Jacob wouldn't mind."
13: Say, "HEY! Aren't you that guy from Harry Potter?!"
14: Tell him that Emmett is a cooler vampire than him. (A/N: I totally 100 percent agree with that!)
15: Tell him that Jane has the cooler vampire power. Mention that it's significantly better than mind reading.
16: Continually suggest that he'd be better of eating Bella, rather than dating her.
17: Mention that he isn't even a real vampire.
18: When flying on an airplane, say, "If this plane crashes on an island, we'll eat Bella first."
19: Suggest that his life is too stressful. Recommend aromatherapy.
20: When he announces his wedding, say, "Why? Is Bella pregnant?"
21: Leave bloody, dead animals around him. Insist that you're helping with his aromatherapy.
22: Invite Jacob's whole family to the wedding. When he gets mad say, "I was just trying to help."
23: Invite the Volturi to the wedding.
24: Make a list of the ways werewolves are better than vampires. Show it to him. Act offended when he gets mad.
25: Tell him he's too closed minded; that he needs to welcome people of all cultures into his life.
26: Talk in Ebonics.
27: Tell him to "Bear in mind, other people's thoughts."
28: Kidnap Bella. When he asks where she is, say, "Don't worry about it."
29: When he threatens to kill you say, "Now now, aren't we being a little hasty?"
30: When he really IS going to kill you, blame it on Alice. Say she took her to LA to go shopping.
31: Poke him.
32: When he talks about how painful his transformation was say, "Oh yeah, your life is sooo hard."
33: When he talks about how much he loves Bella say, "Aren't you a little young to know what love is?"
34: Make Bella wear a 'Team Jacob' shirt.
35: Suggest that he and Bella take some time off to 'see other people.' Then, recommend Jessica Stanley for him.
36: Mail him a llama. When he asks why, say, "Why not?"
37: When he's listening, tell Bella she deserves someone better.
38: Invite him to go to the beach with you.
39: Read the back of the Twilight books to him. Bonus points for using a dramatic announcer voice.
40: Blame him for all of Bella's past injuries.
41: Constantly hint at how good Bella smells.
42: Visualize his house in 20 years: SUV, Surburban House, and 12 kids.
43: Laugh when Bella trips. Loudly.
44: Shine a bright light in his face and say, "Darnit, you didn't go all sparkly."
45: Buy a copy of Breaking Dawn on the black market. Tell him he dies at the end.
46: Ask him where he buys his body glitter.
47: Suggest self-tanner.
48: When Bella says how much she loves him, think: "Then why was she making out with Jacob down at La Push yesterday?"
49: When he gets mad, say innocently, "I didn't say anything."
50: Point out the circles under his eyes. Tell him to get more sleep.
51: Offer to lend him your concealer.
52: Withdraw the offer. Tell him he's too pale for that shade.
53: Suggest that a week in the tropics would do him good.
54: Tell him that we're getting tired of his 'scary' act.
55: Re-decorate his room in a 'Care Bear' theme.
56: Tell him that it will help him be happy.
57: Buy him a wolf plushie.
58: Turn his piano into a craps table.
59: Suggest that he try harder to make new friends.
60: Tell him he should hang out with Mike Newton more often.
61: Put pretty bows in his hair while he's distracted. (A/N: Preferably, I'd distract him using number 5 x])
62: Tell him that pretending to sleep would make him sympathize with humans more.
63: Cook delicious-looking meals. When he won't eat them, get offended. Then say, "I put my sweat and blood into that meal!"
64: Suggest the same stupid plan over and over. When he gets mad say, "Who got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning..oh."
65: Tell him he could up his cool if he went out for football. Or track.
66: Wear tinfoil on your head. When he asks why, say that people are always trying to read your mind.
67: Give yourself a paper cut in front of Jasper.
68: When he attacks, say, "Bad Dog! Down!"
69: Suggest they keep Jasper in the backyard. "If he can't be civilized, well..."
70: Push Bella in front of a bus.
71: Pour ketchup on Bella.
72: Ask him to sign your copy of New Moon.
73: Wonder loudly to yourself what The Souls are going to do to the Cullens once they've invaded.
74: Plant daises in his house.
75: Break all of his CDs.
76: Take Bella shopping. Accidentally leave her at the mall.
77: Crash his wedding.
78: When he plans his wedding say, "Who's going to come? You know, like, four people!"
79: Whenever he comes into the room, start mentally singing the "Gilligan's Island' theme song.
80: When he tells you to stop, say, "Stop what?"
81: Take all of his CDs. Replace them with songs from the Disney movies.
82: Tell him that he and Bella should go on more 'Real Dates'.
83: Ask him if he's having a vampire attack Bella every Spring Break. Tell him you know someone who'd be willing to help.
84: Make a list of the reasons why Bella should leave him. Make sure one of them says, "Jacob. Enough Said."
85: Roll in glitter. Run around screaming, "Look at me! I'm Edward! I'm Edward!"
86: Write him love poems. Sign them from Jacob.
87: Tell him it's perfectly acceptable to be an 'alternative couple' with Jacob.
88: Diagram a love Triangle. Edward -Bella-Jacob
89: When he plans his wedding, casually say, "You know, the leading cause of divorce is marrying too young."
90: Suggest that the Cullens have more 'family meetings.' Make a point not to invite Bella.
91: Tell Bella her cooking skills would be wasted if she married him.
92: Ask him if he'll still love Bella once she's a vampire and no longer clumsy.
93: Give him your divorce attorney's card. Tell him it's "Just in case."
94: Skip around the house chanting, "Bella and Edward sitting in a tree."
95: Diagnose him randomly. Say, "You look very pale; have you been eating enough red meat?" and ask Carlisle to back you up.
96: Invite small children to his house for 'Scary Story Time.'
97: Paint his room pink.
98: Ask if you're going to be in the party repeatedly and frequently.
99: Wonder what to get him for his wedding. "A mattress topper? No, that won't work. A Blender? No...Oh! A trip to Hawaii!"
100: Wave wooden crosses and strings of garlic at him randomly. When he asks what you're doing say, "I know I've read this before.."
101: Run over his Volvo with Bella's truck. When he gets mad say, "Ah, don't get mad! I'm sure Jacob can fix it!"
2: Give yourself a paper cut, then put it in your mouth and say, "Mm, delicious! Want some?"
3: Say, "You don't look that scary!"
4: Use vampire expressions like, "Holy Dracula!" and "Goodbye Sweet Transylvania."
5: Visualize yourself naked.
6: Ask him to help you do something impossible (ex: Save the world.) When he says he can't, say, "I'm sure Jacob could help me."
7: Drive REALLY slow.
8: Volunteer him for a blood drive.
9: Hold up a bottle of ketchup and say, "Look! Blood! OOOOOOHH!"
10: Hang up posters that say, "I support Jacob Black" and "Jacob Black for President" all over his room.
11: Throw him to the crazy fan girl mobs.
12: Tie Bella to some railroad tracks. When he gets mad, say, "Wow! A little overprotective aren't we? I'm sure Jacob wouldn't mind."
13: Say, "HEY! Aren't you that guy from Harry Potter?!"
14: Tell him that Emmett is a cooler vampire than him. (A/N: I totally 100 percent agree with that!)
15: Tell him that Jane has the cooler vampire power. Mention that it's significantly better than mind reading.
16: Continually suggest that he'd be better of eating Bella, rather than dating her.
17: Mention that he isn't even a real vampire.
18: When flying on an airplane, say, "If this plane crashes on an island, we'll eat Bella first."
19: Suggest that his life is too stressful. Recommend aromatherapy.
20: When he announces his wedding, say, "Why? Is Bella pregnant?"
21: Leave bloody, dead animals around him. Insist that you're helping with his aromatherapy.
22: Invite Jacob's whole family to the wedding. When he gets mad say, "I was just trying to help."
23: Invite the Volturi to the wedding.
24: Make a list of the ways werewolves are better than vampires. Show it to him. Act offended when he gets mad.
25: Tell him he's too closed minded; that he needs to welcome people of all cultures into his life.
26: Talk in Ebonics.
27: Tell him to "Bear in mind, other people's thoughts."
28: Kidnap Bella. When he asks where she is, say, "Don't worry about it."
29: When he threatens to kill you say, "Now now, aren't we being a little hasty?"
30: When he really IS going to kill you, blame it on Alice. Say she took her to LA to go shopping.
31: Poke him.
32: When he talks about how painful his transformation was say, "Oh yeah, your life is sooo hard."
33: When he talks about how much he loves Bella say, "Aren't you a little young to know what love is?"
34: Make Bella wear a 'Team Jacob' shirt.
35: Suggest that he and Bella take some time off to 'see other people.' Then, recommend Jessica Stanley for him.
36: Mail him a llama. When he asks why, say, "Why not?"
37: When he's listening, tell Bella she deserves someone better.
38: Invite him to go to the beach with you.
39: Read the back of the Twilight books to him. Bonus points for using a dramatic announcer voice.
40: Blame him for all of Bella's past injuries.
41: Constantly hint at how good Bella smells.
42: Visualize his house in 20 years: SUV, Surburban House, and 12 kids.
43: Laugh when Bella trips. Loudly.
44: Shine a bright light in his face and say, "Darnit, you didn't go all sparkly."
45: Buy a copy of Breaking Dawn on the black market. Tell him he dies at the end.
46: Ask him where he buys his body glitter.
47: Suggest self-tanner.
48: When Bella says how much she loves him, think: "Then why was she making out with Jacob down at La Push yesterday?"
49: When he gets mad, say innocently, "I didn't say anything."
50: Point out the circles under his eyes. Tell him to get more sleep.
51: Offer to lend him your concealer.
52: Withdraw the offer. Tell him he's too pale for that shade.
53: Suggest that a week in the tropics would do him good.
54: Tell him that we're getting tired of his 'scary' act.
55: Re-decorate his room in a 'Care Bear' theme.
56: Tell him that it will help him be happy.
57: Buy him a wolf plushie.
58: Turn his piano into a craps table.
59: Suggest that he try harder to make new friends.
60: Tell him he should hang out with Mike Newton more often.
61: Put pretty bows in his hair while he's distracted. (A/N: Preferably, I'd distract him using number 5 x])
62: Tell him that pretending to sleep would make him sympathize with humans more.
63: Cook delicious-looking meals. When he won't eat them, get offended. Then say, "I put my sweat and blood into that meal!"
64: Suggest the same stupid plan over and over. When he gets mad say, "Who got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning..oh."
65: Tell him he could up his cool if he went out for football. Or track.
66: Wear tinfoil on your head. When he asks why, say that people are always trying to read your mind.
67: Give yourself a paper cut in front of Jasper.
68: When he attacks, say, "Bad Dog! Down!"
69: Suggest they keep Jasper in the backyard. "If he can't be civilized, well..."
70: Push Bella in front of a bus.
71: Pour ketchup on Bella.
72: Ask him to sign your copy of New Moon.
73: Wonder loudly to yourself what The Souls are going to do to the Cullens once they've invaded.
74: Plant daises in his house.
75: Break all of his CDs.
76: Take Bella shopping. Accidentally leave her at the mall.
77: Crash his wedding.
78: When he plans his wedding say, "Who's going to come? You know, like, four people!"
79: Whenever he comes into the room, start mentally singing the "Gilligan's Island' theme song.
80: When he tells you to stop, say, "Stop what?"
81: Take all of his CDs. Replace them with songs from the Disney movies.
82: Tell him that he and Bella should go on more 'Real Dates'.
83: Ask him if he's having a vampire attack Bella every Spring Break. Tell him you know someone who'd be willing to help.
84: Make a list of the reasons why Bella should leave him. Make sure one of them says, "Jacob. Enough Said."
85: Roll in glitter. Run around screaming, "Look at me! I'm Edward! I'm Edward!"
86: Write him love poems. Sign them from Jacob.
87: Tell him it's perfectly acceptable to be an 'alternative couple' with Jacob.
88: Diagram a love Triangle. Edward -Bella-Jacob
89: When he plans his wedding, casually say, "You know, the leading cause of divorce is marrying too young."
90: Suggest that the Cullens have more 'family meetings.' Make a point not to invite Bella.
91: Tell Bella her cooking skills would be wasted if she married him.
92: Ask him if he'll still love Bella once she's a vampire and no longer clumsy.
93: Give him your divorce attorney's card. Tell him it's "Just in case."
94: Skip around the house chanting, "Bella and Edward sitting in a tree."
95: Diagnose him randomly. Say, "You look very pale; have you been eating enough red meat?" and ask Carlisle to back you up.
96: Invite small children to his house for 'Scary Story Time.'
97: Paint his room pink.
98: Ask if you're going to be in the party repeatedly and frequently.
99: Wonder what to get him for his wedding. "A mattress topper? No, that won't work. A Blender? No...Oh! A trip to Hawaii!"
100: Wave wooden crosses and strings of garlic at him randomly. When he asks what you're doing say, "I know I've read this before.."
101: Run over his Volvo with Bella's truck. When he gets mad say, "Ah, don't get mad! I'm sure Jacob can fix it!"
(image by flickr user conceptvessel)
