someone mentioned your name today. It wafted over to me like the smell of spicy perfume - pleasant at first, but one that stings in the long run. My subconscious picked it up, without me noticing and, I must admit, it took me a few tenths of a second to dig up your file in my brain. I seemed to forget who you were for that short amount of time. For that brief, innocent period, I was unaware. The name could have been from years and years ago, it could have been a name I had given to a puppy many years back, the name of a plush toy, the name carved in a bus stop bench. A name that I had known, but never had I connected with a human being or a face.

An abrupt twist brought me back around, down to Earth, back to reality. The brain has a tendency for remembering crimes and pain. To make things clear, I am not me. If my name got caught in your ears, you'd think of a shadow. You'd remember a person, now gone. You'd think of her, but it wouldn't be me. The same name. But not me at all. And you should know, I hate myself right now. There is a chemical eating me up from the inside. The chemical not being guilt. Having a similar aspect to it, but being much deeper, much more complicated. But nevertheless, I do tell the truth. I hate myself like a child from a divorced family hates one of their parents. The feeling of betrayal. Me betraying myself. Turning out unexpectedly and incorrectly. Doing the wrong things, taking wrong turns.

I was on the right track for a while. I truly was. And I imagined the rest of my life running smoothly. I thanked for every day. I was grateful. I was happy. I was determined. The future looked right. I had things to look forward to. Not you. Things other than you. Much deeper, much more complicated. I was a girl on the right track. The girl, ticking off her To-Do lists, was aware of what needed to be done. She was proud. She walked with her head raised. I am not her. I have already ruined almost half of what I worked so fucking hard for. I know what you're thinking, sweetie. "You can still get back." You can still find the road you were on and keep pedaling. This is just a rock. A bump on the road to hold you back. But not to stop you completely. And I pray that you're right. That you know what you're saying. Because it's you we're talking about.