1. Tell him Hermione has a boyfriend.
2. Repeatedly ask him whatever happened to "Lav-Lav"?
3. Tell him Krum is coming back.
4. Stare pointedly at his forehead, looking bewildered.
5. . . . And when he asks what you’re looking at, say in a disappointed voice, “I just thought you’d have a scar too, being Harry Potter’s (sigh adoringly then look superior) sidekick and all.”
6. Tell him that Krum is having a welcome back party and everyone is invited.
7. . . . Except him, that is.
8. The next time someone says “Ron”, state loudly, “Isn’t that the name of Harry Potter’s useless sidekick? Or maybe it’s Ronan. I can never remember.”
9. Run up to Harry Potter and scream “Ohmigod it’s Harry Potter!” then beg for his autograph, and when he’s giving it to you say to Ron “Hi . . . you must be . . . um . . . Harry’s, er, associate!”
10. Tell him the Chudley Cannons have asked Harry to join their team as soon as he leaves school.
11. Take noisy pictures of him when he's playing Quidditch and announce to the rest of the team that they're for a very flattering article in the Daily Prophet.
12. . . . Conveniently forget to tell them the pictures are for an article entitled "It's True, You Really Can Train Trolls to Fly."
13. Put a miniature Whomping Willow in his bookbag.
14. Get everyone to wear Hermione's knitted elf clothing.
15. . . . When he asks for some say “Really Ronald, you don’t think these things are fashionable, do you? We’re only wearing them to raise funds!”
16. Associate everything he says with all of the brave things his friends have done.
17. . . . Never mention anything he's done when doing so.
18. Ask him why he wasn't in the Department of Mysteries helping Harry fight the Death Eaters.
19. When he insists that he was, roll your eyes and say in an exasperated voice, “Well you didn’t exactly do anything important did you?”
20. Send him a Valentine's Day card from Luna Lovegood.
21. Give him another pair of old, horrific dress robes and insist that he wears them.
22. If he refuses, act mortally offended for days.
23. When he finally does wear them, drag him into a public place and make it a point to draw attention to him.
24. . . . Make sure someone with a camera is nearby.
25. Call him Roonil Wazlib.
26. Ask him why he stole Harry Potter's nickname.
27. Speak in a fake foreign accent that's uncannily similar to Krum's.
28. Insist that West Ham is the best Quidditch team ever.
29. In the middle of the night pretend to wake up after a dream, clutching your forehead and screaming “Ron! Ron, your whole entire family has been eaten by a snake!”
30. . . . When he looks horrified, cheerfully exclaim; "Oh no, my mistake. Goodnight!"
31. . . . Continue to have fake dreams of this incident every night for the next week.
32. Kindly present him with a book entitled "Personal Hygiene: Back to the Basics" and smile when he looks mortified.
33. State loudly two minutes before a Quidditch match that Harry can't make it because he's practicing for his next interview.
34. Ask Ginny to replace him.
35. . . . Then say in an audible whisper “It’s not like anyone else is any good. Especially Ronan . . . no, Rupert . . . (sigh) Harry Potter’s sidekick . . . you know . . . (gasp of realization) Roonil Wazlib!”
36. Comment on how well that one half of his eyebrow has grown in. . . .
37. Tell him that the tattoo of the Hungarian Horntail on Harry's chest is real because Ginny's told you she's seen it.
38. Constantly throw small, sharp objects at his head.
39. . . . And when he gets annoyed look innocent and say “I was only trying to give you a scar!”
40. Tell him about three times a day that “Parvati told Dean to tell Seamus to tell Neville to tell Fred to tell George to tell Angelina to tell Alicia that Fleur knows that Krum said that Ernie said . . .
41. . . .To tell Hannah to tell Justin to tell Zacharias to let Susan know to inform Terry to pass on the message to Katie so she could alert Leanne to confirm what Cho said to Marietta who told Padma to tell Hermione to tell me to tell you that . . . erm . . . I can’t really remember . . . but I think it was something like . . . um . . . er . . . well someone in your family’s been killed or something like that. I’m not sure. I’ll get back to you on that one, ok?”
42. Ask if you can borrow Pigwidgeon and when he says yes, produce two overly large packages.
43. Send him a Howler that will screech the Slytherin version of "Weasley Is Our King."
44. Sneak up behind him, cover his eyes, and say "Guess who Won-Won?" in an annoying sing-song voice.
45. Ask him why he isn’t wearing the necklace Lav-Lav gave him.
46. Whenever he’s late for class stand in his way saying “Ron, you can’t go through here because someone set off a load of Garrotting Gas . . . no Ronald you really can’t . . . stop Ronald, just stop” etc. etc.
47. Offer him a plate of rock cakes and when he refuses to eat one burst into hysterical tears screaming things like “Betrayal of trust” and “Supposed to be my friend”.
48. Put Harry’s name into the Goblet Of Fire . . . or Firewhisky, whichever is available.
49. Run up to him screaming “Ron, you’ve won the lottery!” When he asks how much say “I’m not sure, about two or three Knuts I think.”
50. Tell him he’s won a "Services To The School" Award and an Order Of Merlin 1st Class and when he asks what for say, “For nearly getting strangled to death by brains in the Department Of Mysteries in your 5th year.”
51. Tell him that, for the same reason, he’s also won Witch Weekly’s 472nd Most Charming Scar Award.
52. . . . Remind him that the other 471 awards went to Harry.
53. Continuously point out mistakes in his Transfiguration work even if it’s perfect (which it probably isn’t) and when you fail the class announce loudly that Ron taught you everything you know.
2. Repeatedly ask him whatever happened to "Lav-Lav"?
3. Tell him Krum is coming back.
4. Stare pointedly at his forehead, looking bewildered.
5. . . . And when he asks what you’re looking at, say in a disappointed voice, “I just thought you’d have a scar too, being Harry Potter’s (sigh adoringly then look superior) sidekick and all.”
6. Tell him that Krum is having a welcome back party and everyone is invited.
7. . . . Except him, that is.
8. The next time someone says “Ron”, state loudly, “Isn’t that the name of Harry Potter’s useless sidekick? Or maybe it’s Ronan. I can never remember.”
9. Run up to Harry Potter and scream “Ohmigod it’s Harry Potter!” then beg for his autograph, and when he’s giving it to you say to Ron “Hi . . . you must be . . . um . . . Harry’s, er, associate!”
10. Tell him the Chudley Cannons have asked Harry to join their team as soon as he leaves school.
11. Take noisy pictures of him when he's playing Quidditch and announce to the rest of the team that they're for a very flattering article in the Daily Prophet.
12. . . . Conveniently forget to tell them the pictures are for an article entitled "It's True, You Really Can Train Trolls to Fly."
13. Put a miniature Whomping Willow in his bookbag.
14. Get everyone to wear Hermione's knitted elf clothing.
15. . . . When he asks for some say “Really Ronald, you don’t think these things are fashionable, do you? We’re only wearing them to raise funds!”
16. Associate everything he says with all of the brave things his friends have done.
17. . . . Never mention anything he's done when doing so.
18. Ask him why he wasn't in the Department of Mysteries helping Harry fight the Death Eaters.
19. When he insists that he was, roll your eyes and say in an exasperated voice, “Well you didn’t exactly do anything important did you?”
20. Send him a Valentine's Day card from Luna Lovegood.
21. Give him another pair of old, horrific dress robes and insist that he wears them.
22. If he refuses, act mortally offended for days.
23. When he finally does wear them, drag him into a public place and make it a point to draw attention to him.
24. . . . Make sure someone with a camera is nearby.
25. Call him Roonil Wazlib.
26. Ask him why he stole Harry Potter's nickname.
27. Speak in a fake foreign accent that's uncannily similar to Krum's.
28. Insist that West Ham is the best Quidditch team ever.
29. In the middle of the night pretend to wake up after a dream, clutching your forehead and screaming “Ron! Ron, your whole entire family has been eaten by a snake!”
30. . . . When he looks horrified, cheerfully exclaim; "Oh no, my mistake. Goodnight!"
31. . . . Continue to have fake dreams of this incident every night for the next week.
32. Kindly present him with a book entitled "Personal Hygiene: Back to the Basics" and smile when he looks mortified.
33. State loudly two minutes before a Quidditch match that Harry can't make it because he's practicing for his next interview.
34. Ask Ginny to replace him.
35. . . . Then say in an audible whisper “It’s not like anyone else is any good. Especially Ronan . . . no, Rupert . . . (sigh) Harry Potter’s sidekick . . . you know . . . (gasp of realization) Roonil Wazlib!”
36. Comment on how well that one half of his eyebrow has grown in. . . .
37. Tell him that the tattoo of the Hungarian Horntail on Harry's chest is real because Ginny's told you she's seen it.
38. Constantly throw small, sharp objects at his head.
39. . . . And when he gets annoyed look innocent and say “I was only trying to give you a scar!”
40. Tell him about three times a day that “Parvati told Dean to tell Seamus to tell Neville to tell Fred to tell George to tell Angelina to tell Alicia that Fleur knows that Krum said that Ernie said . . .
41. . . .To tell Hannah to tell Justin to tell Zacharias to let Susan know to inform Terry to pass on the message to Katie so she could alert Leanne to confirm what Cho said to Marietta who told Padma to tell Hermione to tell me to tell you that . . . erm . . . I can’t really remember . . . but I think it was something like . . . um . . . er . . . well someone in your family’s been killed or something like that. I’m not sure. I’ll get back to you on that one, ok?”
42. Ask if you can borrow Pigwidgeon and when he says yes, produce two overly large packages.
43. Send him a Howler that will screech the Slytherin version of "Weasley Is Our King."
44. Sneak up behind him, cover his eyes, and say "Guess who Won-Won?" in an annoying sing-song voice.
45. Ask him why he isn’t wearing the necklace Lav-Lav gave him.
46. Whenever he’s late for class stand in his way saying “Ron, you can’t go through here because someone set off a load of Garrotting Gas . . . no Ronald you really can’t . . . stop Ronald, just stop” etc. etc.
47. Offer him a plate of rock cakes and when he refuses to eat one burst into hysterical tears screaming things like “Betrayal of trust” and “Supposed to be my friend”.
48. Put Harry’s name into the Goblet Of Fire . . . or Firewhisky, whichever is available.
49. Run up to him screaming “Ron, you’ve won the lottery!” When he asks how much say “I’m not sure, about two or three Knuts I think.”
50. Tell him he’s won a "Services To The School" Award and an Order Of Merlin 1st Class and when he asks what for say, “For nearly getting strangled to death by brains in the Department Of Mysteries in your 5th year.”
51. Tell him that, for the same reason, he’s also won Witch Weekly’s 472nd Most Charming Scar Award.
52. . . . Remind him that the other 471 awards went to Harry.
53. Continuously point out mistakes in his Transfiguration work even if it’s perfect (which it probably isn’t) and when you fail the class announce loudly that Ron taught you everything you know.
