Forget about vampires. Forget about werewolves.
How funny and bizarre would these scenarios be if your boyfriend would act like this?
Enjoy!
-----
You: "I'm going to go hang out with [insert best friend's name here], see you tonight!"
Ideal Man: "No you're not."
You:"....? Of course I will."
Ideal Man: "You might get into an argument with [insert friend's name here] and s/he might stab you with a knife. At least let me come hang out outside of his/her house and oogle through the window to make sure you're safe."
You:"Why the hell would they stab me??"
Ideal Man: "I don't trust him/her."
You: Oh for f.... well, all right, if you insist!"
----
Ideal Man: "I have a gift for you."
You: "But you know I don't like you spending any money on me, it makes me uncomfortable because we've only been dating for, like, half a year."
Ideal Man: "Oh, it's nothing. Just some crap I've had lying around for ages."
You: "Well, okay then."
Ideal Man: *insterts blood diamond*
You:"...."
----
*Sitting in Ideal Man's car, listening to a cd he's put on*
You:"Oh, I love Clair de Lune! I used to listen to it together with my mum when I was little!"
Ideal Man: "Really? What else do you listen to?"
You: "Linkin Park!"
Ideal Man: "Oh, you mean this cd that I have with me in my glove compartment? But how can anyone like both classical music and emo rock?"
You:"What, you mean.. the way YOU do?"
-----
Ideal Man: "I wanted to do something special for you, my love."
You: "Oh, great! What did you do?"
Ideal Man: "I made a song for you!"
*whips out piano*
You: "Oh, honey, that's really romantic!"
Ideal Man: "I was hoping you'd think that. That's why I was waiting for the perfect moment to play this song for you!"
Ideal Man's Parents: "Err...I'm not sure this is the moment..."
----
You: "Honey, I've been thinking. There's something I want."
Ideal Man: "A house? A car? A diamond necklace? Name what you want, and you shall have it!"
You: "I want sex."
Ideal Man: "...Oh."
You: "Well?"
Ideal Man: "...I was thinking a chastity belt made out of Topaz might be nice...?"
----
You: "Crap, my period started. I feel awful."
Ideal Man: "That...turns me on..."
----
*The morning after*
You:"Morning honey. I am so happy today. I was so afraid that my first sex experience might be awkward and you wouldn't like me and would find me unattractive and repulsive. But last night was the best night of my life and everything went so well!"
Ideal Man: "LET'S. NEVER. DO. THAT. AGAIN."
---
*on a first date*
You: "Thanks for the lovely evening. It was really nice to get to know you a little better. I think you might be my Ideal Man."
Ideal Man: "Oh, my dearest, I am happy to hear that. I was afraid you'd find me frightening and be repulsed by me."
You: "Why? You drive a Volvo, wear beige turtlenecks and only get A's at school. What's scary about that?"
Ideal Man: "Indeed, nothing. Perhaps I haven't given myself enough credit. Perhaps I can be good."
You: "No, but seriously - why did you think you'd scare me?"
Ideal Man: "What? Oh, because during my teenage rebellion years I ran away from home and slaughtered a couple of hundred people."
You: "...that... is quite...frightening."
Ideal Man:"Don't worry, it's all in the past now. I am better now."
You: "Umh ok. Well, I'm just gonna go now... see you tomorrow..."
*quickly leaves*
Ideal Man: *yells after you*: "See you tonight when I come in your room and watch you sleep, my pet!"
---
You: "I love you."
Ideal Man: "You are my world now. I love you like the sun and the moon and the stars that caress me with their gentle, glowing caresses. There is nothing I wouldn't give you, my beautiful blinding meteorite. I worship your translucent skin and your deep doe eyes of eternal mystery and wisdom."
You: "I think a simple "love u 2" would've been enough."
How funny and bizarre would these scenarios be if your boyfriend would act like this?
Enjoy!
-----
You: "I'm going to go hang out with [insert best friend's name here], see you tonight!"
Ideal Man: "No you're not."
You:"....? Of course I will."
Ideal Man: "You might get into an argument with [insert friend's name here] and s/he might stab you with a knife. At least let me come hang out outside of his/her house and oogle through the window to make sure you're safe."
You:"Why the hell would they stab me??"
Ideal Man: "I don't trust him/her."
You: Oh for f.... well, all right, if you insist!"
----
Ideal Man: "I have a gift for you."
You: "But you know I don't like you spending any money on me, it makes me uncomfortable because we've only been dating for, like, half a year."
Ideal Man: "Oh, it's nothing. Just some crap I've had lying around for ages."
You: "Well, okay then."
Ideal Man: *insterts blood diamond*
You:"...."
----
*Sitting in Ideal Man's car, listening to a cd he's put on*
You:"Oh, I love Clair de Lune! I used to listen to it together with my mum when I was little!"
Ideal Man: "Really? What else do you listen to?"
You: "Linkin Park!"
Ideal Man: "Oh, you mean this cd that I have with me in my glove compartment? But how can anyone like both classical music and emo rock?"
You:"What, you mean.. the way YOU do?"
-----
Ideal Man: "I wanted to do something special for you, my love."
You: "Oh, great! What did you do?"
Ideal Man: "I made a song for you!"
*whips out piano*
You: "Oh, honey, that's really romantic!"
Ideal Man: "I was hoping you'd think that. That's why I was waiting for the perfect moment to play this song for you!"
Ideal Man's Parents: "Err...I'm not sure this is the moment..."
----
You: "Honey, I've been thinking. There's something I want."
Ideal Man: "A house? A car? A diamond necklace? Name what you want, and you shall have it!"
You: "I want sex."
Ideal Man: "...Oh."
You: "Well?"
Ideal Man: "...I was thinking a chastity belt made out of Topaz might be nice...?"
----
You: "Crap, my period started. I feel awful."
Ideal Man: "That...turns me on..."
----
*The morning after*
You:"Morning honey. I am so happy today. I was so afraid that my first sex experience might be awkward and you wouldn't like me and would find me unattractive and repulsive. But last night was the best night of my life and everything went so well!"
Ideal Man: "LET'S. NEVER. DO. THAT. AGAIN."
---
*on a first date*
You: "Thanks for the lovely evening. It was really nice to get to know you a little better. I think you might be my Ideal Man."
Ideal Man: "Oh, my dearest, I am happy to hear that. I was afraid you'd find me frightening and be repulsed by me."
You: "Why? You drive a Volvo, wear beige turtlenecks and only get A's at school. What's scary about that?"
Ideal Man: "Indeed, nothing. Perhaps I haven't given myself enough credit. Perhaps I can be good."
You: "No, but seriously - why did you think you'd scare me?"
Ideal Man: "What? Oh, because during my teenage rebellion years I ran away from home and slaughtered a couple of hundred people."
You: "...that... is quite...frightening."
Ideal Man:"Don't worry, it's all in the past now. I am better now."
You: "Umh ok. Well, I'm just gonna go now... see you tomorrow..."
*quickly leaves*
Ideal Man: *yells after you*: "See you tonight when I come in your room and watch you sleep, my pet!"
---
You: "I love you."
Ideal Man: "You are my world now. I love you like the sun and the moon and the stars that caress me with their gentle, glowing caresses. There is nothing I wouldn't give you, my beautiful blinding meteorite. I worship your translucent skin and your deep doe eyes of eternal mystery and wisdom."
You: "I think a simple "love u 2" would've been enough."
