A/N: I just thought it would be an interesting subject, you know? And before you do anything, just to let you know, I FAIL at characterisation. So don't go all batshit on me if I get Hermione or anyone else wrong, 'kay?
Today, on the 17th of October, the court session for the famous "Meyer Case" was initiated. Stephenie Meyer, founder of Twilight, inc., the billion-dollar advertising company, was arrested on several charges, including: allegations of fraud charged by worldwide companies Feminism, inc., 3D pwns 2D, and Literature n Books; the murder of various brain cells; abuse and rape of thesarus, and assaulting the image of vampires. Meyer has so far denied these allegations, saying, "It's just a company! No need to get into it!"
We have talked to several people about Mrs. Meyer, mostly victims and those who stand for the victims. The first group we spoke to was a few employees from Feminism, Inc., Dr. Temperence Brennan, Ms. Hermione Granger, and Willow Rosenburg.
Interviewer: So, what would you say was your biggest problem with the person that Meyer set you up with to represent your company and its values?
Willow: You mean Bella Swan?
Hermione: Merlin, was she horrible.
Brennan: Anthropologically speaking, she should be likable, even popular in the eyes of her peers. I mean, she is quite plain-looking, so as not to get others jealous. And she does obsess about males, like most girls her age. However, I find her to be... unpleasant. Her voice is an octave higher than the normal voice range, and she always trips all over the place.
W: Tell me about it. Last month she knocked over my herbs and broke my orb of Thenusula. And one time, I saw her tripping and falling. On a completely flat, no bumpy surface. How can someone do that? She could be something unnatural. Like a rare demon in danger of extinction.
B: That is scientifically impossible. Demons and magic are just folklore to scare children or to explain a perfectly natrual phenomenon.
W: Hello, witch here?
H: I'm a witch too. Or is the stick in my back pocket that could turn water into wine just a stick? Anyways, Bella, to put it bluntly, is an annoying prat. Even more annoying than Ron, and that is saying something. She is always complaining and going on about Edward.
W: Yeah, she was so hooked on him, it's not even funny. I used to joke about it, saying "Edward Who?" all the time.
H: She definitely DOES NOT represent Feminism. If there was a company called Whiners Worldwide, then she'd fit in.
B: Feminism, our company, is made up of independent, strong woman fighting for what they believe in. Ms. Swan has none of these factors.
Interviewer: Thank you for your time, ladies.
We move onto GemonkDruid, an expert on the matter of the brain cell massacre, as she was the guradian of some dead ones.
Interviewer: Many people have talked to you about the concern about losing your beloved brain cells. What advice would you give a person on how to avoid the same situation happening to you and many others?
Gemonk: My solution: don't read Twilight. Avoid it like the plague. If you wanna find out about it, read the wikipedia page.
I: But what if they already started to read the series?
G: STOP reading it. Then go watch something educational, like Bones or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. At least their female characters kick ass!
Brennan and Willow: Thank you!
We next talked to vampires Spike and Angel, representing the image of vampires, who was assaulted by Meyer back in 2005.
Interviewer: What is your opinion on the attack to the image of vampires?
Spike: This Meyer bint started the attack five years ago, yeah? Which makes me wonder why the image of vampires hasn't fought back earlier. See, I would have played the bloody hero, save the day, blah blah blah. But I was in hell at the time, so...
Angel: Lorne once showed me these chatty rooms, which people talk about me, and they say things like, "Angel is a better stalker than Edward." Whoever Edward is.
Finally, we interviewed the founder of 3D pwns 2D, Jack Schitt.
Interviewer: What exactly is your company about, and why are you suing Stephenie Meyer?
Schitt: Our company, 3D pwns 2D, is not only about promoting 3D movies. It's also all about promoting 3D characters, realistic characters. Meyer hooked us up with a few potential representatives, the Cullens, some pseudo-werewolves called shapeshifters, and of course, her little pet employee Bella Swan. However, they were all... flat. Y'know? We just don't DIG flat.
And there you have it, folks. Meyer, in the light of her adoring fans. Fans of her going to jail, that is.
Today, on the 17th of October, the court session for the famous "Meyer Case" was initiated. Stephenie Meyer, founder of Twilight, inc., the billion-dollar advertising company, was arrested on several charges, including: allegations of fraud charged by worldwide companies Feminism, inc., 3D pwns 2D, and Literature n Books; the murder of various brain cells; abuse and rape of thesarus, and assaulting the image of vampires. Meyer has so far denied these allegations, saying, "It's just a company! No need to get into it!"
We have talked to several people about Mrs. Meyer, mostly victims and those who stand for the victims. The first group we spoke to was a few employees from Feminism, Inc., Dr. Temperence Brennan, Ms. Hermione Granger, and Willow Rosenburg.
Interviewer: So, what would you say was your biggest problem with the person that Meyer set you up with to represent your company and its values?
Willow: You mean Bella Swan?
Hermione: Merlin, was she horrible.
Brennan: Anthropologically speaking, she should be likable, even popular in the eyes of her peers. I mean, she is quite plain-looking, so as not to get others jealous. And she does obsess about males, like most girls her age. However, I find her to be... unpleasant. Her voice is an octave higher than the normal voice range, and she always trips all over the place.
W: Tell me about it. Last month she knocked over my herbs and broke my orb of Thenusula. And one time, I saw her tripping and falling. On a completely flat, no bumpy surface. How can someone do that? She could be something unnatural. Like a rare demon in danger of extinction.
B: That is scientifically impossible. Demons and magic are just folklore to scare children or to explain a perfectly natrual phenomenon.
W: Hello, witch here?
H: I'm a witch too. Or is the stick in my back pocket that could turn water into wine just a stick? Anyways, Bella, to put it bluntly, is an annoying prat. Even more annoying than Ron, and that is saying something. She is always complaining and going on about Edward.
W: Yeah, she was so hooked on him, it's not even funny. I used to joke about it, saying "Edward Who?" all the time.
H: She definitely DOES NOT represent Feminism. If there was a company called Whiners Worldwide, then she'd fit in.
B: Feminism, our company, is made up of independent, strong woman fighting for what they believe in. Ms. Swan has none of these factors.
Interviewer: Thank you for your time, ladies.
We move onto GemonkDruid, an expert on the matter of the brain cell massacre, as she was the guradian of some dead ones.
Interviewer: Many people have talked to you about the concern about losing your beloved brain cells. What advice would you give a person on how to avoid the same situation happening to you and many others?
Gemonk: My solution: don't read Twilight. Avoid it like the plague. If you wanna find out about it, read the wikipedia page.
I: But what if they already started to read the series?
G: STOP reading it. Then go watch something educational, like Bones or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. At least their female characters kick ass!
Brennan and Willow: Thank you!
We next talked to vampires Spike and Angel, representing the image of vampires, who was assaulted by Meyer back in 2005.
Interviewer: What is your opinion on the attack to the image of vampires?
Spike: This Meyer bint started the attack five years ago, yeah? Which makes me wonder why the image of vampires hasn't fought back earlier. See, I would have played the bloody hero, save the day, blah blah blah. But I was in hell at the time, so...
Angel: Lorne once showed me these chatty rooms, which people talk about me, and they say things like, "Angel is a better stalker than Edward." Whoever Edward is.
Finally, we interviewed the founder of 3D pwns 2D, Jack Schitt.
Interviewer: What exactly is your company about, and why are you suing Stephenie Meyer?
Schitt: Our company, 3D pwns 2D, is not only about promoting 3D movies. It's also all about promoting 3D characters, realistic characters. Meyer hooked us up with a few potential representatives, the Cullens, some pseudo-werewolves called shapeshifters, and of course, her little pet employee Bella Swan. However, they were all... flat. Y'know? We just don't DIG flat.
And there you have it, folks. Meyer, in the light of her adoring fans. Fans of her going to jail, that is.
Harry James Potter
