I had one for the princesses, but what about the movies they're from? Gah, this was so hard to decide. ;_____;
Yes, I like a good joke and yes, I swear like a sailor. Fucking deal with it. If I say something you don't like, then too bad. It was a joke.
Anyway, on with the countdown!







9) Sleeping Beauty

SNOW WHITE ISN'T LAST? I know, what a shocker.
I watched this quite recently and it bored me. A lot. The music isn't amazing, it's not very long and there aren't enough gags. Aurora is pretty personalityless and that really sums up the whole movie. It has the makings for the movie but the input just seems to fall at the final hurdle. I love the funny parts of movies and this film was severely lacking in them. One silly drunken song and a few wise cracks from Merryweather. I was not in hysterics. PLUS, THERE WAS NO VILLAIN SONG. Is there no God? Every good film needs a good... Oh wait, I placed some other films higher and they don't have a... Well, this film needed one. It was bland and unfunny and a villain song would have entertained me.






8) Snow White and The Seven Dwarves

As much as I wanted to place this higher, I loved the other films more. I watched this for the first time in a long time on Wednesday when I was ill... And I was surprised at just how good it was. Ok, so Snow White's voice really does sound like a drowning cat and she's not very pretty, but it was quite funny for 1937. That poor turtle. Gets all the way up the stairs and then the animals come running out and push it back down again. It was funny until the turtle got hurt. Then it was fucking hilarious. The animation quality is very surprising in itself and it's MUCH more consistent than most films from the Renaissance (apart from Snow White's hair. Unless it actually was a wig and the times when it appears to detatch from her head were intentional) even if the movements can look a little dodgy at times. I'm blessed to have the 1994 Collector's edition (ikr, how up-to-date) and it has a deleted scene on the end and it was so funny. Hence why it kicks Sleeping Beauty into the dust.






7) Cinderella

I see that all the classics have collapsed to the bottom. Probably because they all struggle to get over 1 hour in length.
Cinderella is by far the most iconic Disney princess film, and it has good reason to be. It's magical and funny and the songs are surprisingly good (all, what, 4 of them?). Cinderella looks like a fucking supermodel. Except maybe for her hair. The film itself is pretty weird, due to it's storyline. Really, have you ever looked into it? A girl who is mourning her father's death is ridiculed and humiliated by her step-family (those were the narrator's terms for it, not mine) until it gets to the point that she is their servant. She is then attacked by her step-sisters when she tries to go to ball (and she has a monstrosity of a bow in her hair. Srsly, who decided that would look good?) where she has to be helped by some weird old woman in her garden who claims to be a Fairy Godmother. She then goes to a ball where the prince basically just goes "Eww, these step-sisters are fu- Oh, hello, nurse!" and lusts after Cinders all night. Then they're about to get off when they don't even know each other's names. Heh, they probably haven't even spoken. So she runs off and he orders her to be found but can't even be bothered to search for her himself? Yeah, he's really in love.





6) Beauty and The Beast

Yes, it's not top. I simply don't like it as much as the others.
Luckily, we are now into the Renaissance and have some funny gags to fuel us. Cue a candlestick and a clock? Ok, whatever. Where to start on reasons why I don't really like BatB that much... Well, the songs. Usually get great acclaim for being amazing and the such. Honestly, how many of them are good? About two. Two out of how many? What, nine? Yeah, great job. There's an amazing little villain running around looking in pots and pans to admire his Adam's apple and there's even a talking wardrobe but this film... Just no. It's so rushed as well. Inconsistency to the max, especially on plain old Belle. She's so boring, she really does draw this movie down. They should rename it Boring and The Beast. She isn't beautiful and she's bland. In fact, I've already explained all this. Do I need to repeat it? No, I don't think I do.
Apart from that, this film is quite good. Not one I watched repeatedly as a kid. Heck, I didn't even have it on video until I was like 9. I was a kid of the sequels. I used to watch the Enchanted Christmas so much. I loved that film. I have Magical World too, but meh. I didn't like that one as much. Anyway, back to the original. It was ok. I enjoy watching it. But the other films are better. So let's move on to...





5) The Little Mermaid

As if that wasn't bad enough, Ariel hasn't made it very far either.
I love this movie. No, really, I do. I've had it on video since before I can remember. I haven't watched it in forever, so that can go on my list of things to watch on Thursday and Friday along with Aladdin. From what I remember being fuelled by YouTube videos of the songs and making my own videos and countdowns and stuff, this film was very funny. Scuttle still makes me lol when I think of a little thing he says that has been stuck in my head for God knows how many years. Ariel was very funny too and everyone loves a hilarious princess. Ok, so every single outfit was an 80s monstrosity. What do I care? It provides me with silly jokes to crack regarding pink marshmallows and halterneck jumpers. Would they make such a thing? No. Would Triton force such a thing to be made for his daughter? Yes, he would. That purple sequin thing looks like a halterneck jumper. It's just impossible. It was one thing to put the poor girl in pink, but to dress her in the impossible? No. Just no. Though, on a high note, Eric is fit as.





4) Pocahontas

Ooh, certainly edging our way up here.
This movie is one of my favourites for sure. It was very much dragged down this far by that godawful sequel. Pocahontas is my second favourite princess and rightly so. She's amazing and THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE ON THE PLANET... of princesses. Even some pixie dust couldn't help Aurora beat her. It only helps that her dress is skimpy and she doesn't wear shoes, but whatever. THIS FILM IS AMAZING. THE MUSIC, JOHN SMITH, THE STORYLINE... I could go on for days. Why make a sequel? Why dirty this masterpiece? WHY HAVE POCAHONTAS MARRY THAT FUCKTARD ROLFE? WHYYYYY, DISNEY? WHYYYYYYYY?
Erm, yes, anyway...





3) Aladdin

I dislike nothing about this movie. Nothing at all. Ok, maybe Return of Jafar, but I haven't actually seen that.
I'll admit it: I prefered King of Thieves to this as a child. I was a sequel lover in many ways. Some sequels I couldn't stand, but I loved sequels that a lot of people had never even heard of. ANYWAY, leaving sequels behind, this film is amazing. So funny! Robin Williams = love. Ahhhh, yes. The storyline is amazing and you can't help but sing along to the music. Well, the stuff that you can actually hear the lyrics to. There isn't really much more to say on this film except that it's a good one.





2) Mulan

My favourite princess. My favourite message. My favourite songs. But not my favourite movie?
First off, I'd just like to say that Mushu is made of epic win. Whoever decided that Eddie Murphy should accompany Mulan in the form of a dragony lizard thing deserves a medal. A bigass medal. A medal that reads "I'm so epic win that Chuck Norris knows my name". That's how epic win it is. Aside from that, this film has so many magical moments. You never forget the first time you hear Be A Man and you end up singing along even though you don't know the words. I had a series of actions by the time I was 7. It just makes you want to run around in happiness and go "YES, THIS FILM HAS MADE MY CHILDHOOD WORTHWHILE!". Heck, even the fucking sequel was epic win. I think Walt Disney's been sitting on his cloud giving this Chinese legend the thumbs up since it was made. But what could possibly have beaten it? It can only be one thing. Yes, it's...








1) The Princess and The Frog

ACHIDANZE! HELLO, NEW ORLEANS!
As if I didn't already think highly of Disney, this masterpiece jumped up at the end of last year and pretty much wiped the floor with the Renaissance. What a magnificent take on a traditional tale!
The things I could list on how much I love this film. Let's just keep it short and snappy.
First off, there's Naveen. The fucking sexy studmuffin. You just want to run over there and dance with him, yes? His voice, his hair, his fashion sense... Oh, the world just simultaneously jizzed. AND NOT TO MENTION, HE'S FUNNY. A GUY WITH A FUCKING SENSE OF HUMOUR! YES, THANK YOU DISNEY, THE WORLD IS COMPLETE! Not to mention that he's basically just a non-asexual version of Clopin, as Lullaby rightly noted in a prop to me. And we all know how epic win Clopin is.
Moving on. As if this film wasn't funny enough, they decide to give Tiana the most amazing best friend ever. Lottie is made of love. Love and epic win and sparkly pink dresses. AND OMG, HER VOICE. I went so squee when she opened her mouth in that opening scene. Tiana's voice is equally as amazing. DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY TALK LIKE THAT? DO THEY, REALLY? Ohhhh, those voices are so amazing. Lottie is so ditzy and crazy. She's so goddamn COOL!
Moving on once more in a desperate bid to sum this up a little more quickly. THERE ARE SO MANY AMAZING THINGS ABOUT IT. Doctor Facilier for one. Ohhhhhh. He's so cool. Tiana is an amazing character too. What are those things she makes, beigenets? ARE THEY REAL? WHAT ARE THEY? I want to try one, oh I really do. I was like this when I was 5 and I loved Popeye. Then I actually ate spinach and I hated it. So yeah, these beigenet things had better be both real and amazing. LOUIS AND RAY. Oh poor Ray, popping his clogs at the end. I was like "OMFG, NOT RAY. NOT RAY THE HILLBILLY FIREFLY!" and then I was like "OH, THIS IS A HARD KNOCK TO MY JUDGE OF AMAZINGNESS. I LOVE RAY AND I LOVE FACILIER. OHHHH, WHAT AM I TO DOOOO?" and then Facilier basically fucking dies? Srsly? Meh, it's karma I suppose. And stops the film dragging on too long. Damn it, I've still wrote too much. THIS FILM IS EPIC, to cut the long story short. Erm, short-ish.







There's your lot. Be happy about it.

If you don't like my opinion, then fuck you. What the fucking hell are you doing reading my article if you don't want to know about my opinion?

Also, here's a picture to relieve the pain of coming to the end of my article. Because obviously, you wish it was never ending: