I tried again to picture what my life had been like without Renesmee, and came up mostly blank. All I could remember was that I had spent it mostly with Bella. Before Bella, I couldn't remember at all. Then every detail with Nessie was crystal clear. I could remember every expression on her face since she had been born.
It wasn't natural to be away from our imprinted objects for a long time. Of course, Nessie didn't know I had imprinted on her (carelessly, no one had let me tell her until she got a little older, a little more attracted to me.), so I couldn't blame her for leaving. I could only blame myself.
I didn't think I was pushing her too hard, but when I look back on it, I really was. I hugged her a little longer, looked at her in a different way. But I couldn't help myself. I loved her. I was impatient for her to feel the same way, but didn't want to push her into it. I had learned my lesson from that one.
I didn't want to call; worried that she'd think I was pushing and stay longer. So I had no idea what she was up to, what she was thinking, or when she'd come home, and it was driving me insane. I wondered if this was how Edward felt before Bella learned how to share her thoughts with him. I was going to be stuck here for who knows how long until she maybe dropped by, if she wanted to bother with my pushy, obnoxious nature at all. I had no way of knowing what would happen anyways.
Or did I? I had been cooped up in my bedroom wallowing for two days and hadn't even thought of Alice. I sat up so fast that it made me dizzy, and the world spun for a minute. It didn't matter. I sprinted to the kitchen, still a little wobbly, and grabbed the keys.
I drove at almost twice the legal limit, too impatient to get to the Cullens' to pay attention to all the honks blaring around me. I drove up the driveway extra fast, stomped on the brake, and sprinted up the stairs into the front door.
Six pale faces contorted with worry at my frenzied expression. Emmett and Jasper were missing, I guessed that they'd gone hunting somewhere. "Jacob?" Carlisle said, his voice low and anxious. "What is it? Is there any danger?" From behind him, Edward, reading my thoughts, rolled his eyes. "Relax, Carlisle," he said. "Jacob came here merely to talk to Alice...harrass her, I mean," he corrected, reading deeper. I grimaced at him. Thanks a lot, I managed to think. I spotted Alice and walked over to her.
"Alice. What is Renesmee doing right now?" The words were a relief to speak and to finally have answered.
She laughed, rolling her eyes. "Is that all you came here for?" But she became motionless and in a few minutes opened her eyes. "French class," she announced. Her face flickered again and she hissed. "No, no, Nessie! Work on your accent!" Edward chuckled and even I had to smile. "Do you know what she was thinking?" I pressed. Alice shook her head. "I don't know that. But she did look a little distracted...hm...maybe that's why she slipped on her accent." I frowned, hoping for a different explanation...
"Don't get your hopes up, mutt," Rosalie said from behind me, her voice dripping with malice. "You're not all she thinks about, you know."
I sighed. I could only wish. Edward smiled knowingly, and probably remembered when Bella was torn between us. I sighed again.
For the rest of the afternoon I harrassed, as Edward said, Alice with questions. I could practically see Nessie moving from class to class, with that annoying and worrysome distracted expression planted on her face.
That night she called Alice and I stuck by her, not making a sound, trying to get some idea of her thoughts.
"How did it go today, sweetie?" Alice asked.
"Alright, I guess. History is my favorite subject so far. Latin is good, too. French was a little harder. I slipped on my accent a few times..." Nessie trailed off.
Alice and I exchanged a smile.
"So have you heard anything from Jacob? Is he feeling better?"
I straightened up. Good, she was asking about me. She sounded worried, too.
"A little, I suppose," Alice said. Geez, she was great at lying. "He sounded better over the phone, but that's all I've heard of him. Are you worried about him?" she looked at me in an annoyed sort of way. I realized I was gripping the banister so hard that it was in danger of snapping. "Sorry," I whispered, too low for her to hear.
"Yeah, I am." I clenched my fists in my lap. "I didn't know that my absense would take such a big toll on him. If I had only known..." she sounded like she was about to cry, and I hung my head in shame. I might have to call her tomorrow, just to assure her that she wasn't at fault.
Alice tried to soothe her. "He'll be alright, really. It's just a little bug."
"If you're sure..." she still sounded sad.
"I'm positive. He really cares about you, though, and wants you to be happy."
"I know. It's just that, if you could have seen him at the airport..." I grimaced, hoping that I wasn't making things worse for her again. Yes, I had been extremely depressed at the thought of her leaving me, but had tried to hide it. She knew me all too well.
"What's happening tomorrow, Aunt Alice?" she asked, and I heard a smile in her voice. Geez, I wish I had an Alice when I went through high school, to predict each day to its perfection. Of course, she couldn't really do that, because she couldn't see me...I shook my head and focused on the conversation.
"Everything should go according to plan...if you wear the tan pencil skirt and pink blouse." Alice turned to grin at me mischeviously. I rolled my eyes. "Let her wear what she wants," I whispered. Alice stuck her toungue out at me. "Never! She dresses like Bella!" She said this in a disgusted sort of way, but I liked Nessie and Bella's low-fuss, casual style. I ruffled her hair and she smoothed it down quickly, glaring at me. I shrugged, unrepetatant.
"Okay, fine," Renesmee said, and I could almost hear her eyes rolling. "I will. Er...I've got to go. I have to help Ashlie with her English homework. Love you, I'll call you tomorrow."
"Love you, Nessie! Remember: pencil skirt, pink blouse."
"Yeah, yeah. 'Bye!"
Love you, I said in my head, wishing that somehow she'd hear it.
Alice shut off the phone and stared at me, waiting.
I clenched and unclenched my fists, concentrating on them as I spoke. "What would happen if I went tomorrow?" I whispered. I could hardly resist. Plus, she was worried about me! I should tell her I was alright, somehow...I ignored the simple concept of a phone for the moment.
Alice spoke softly and tenderly, like one of my sisters might. "Jake, I know it's hard. But you must resist seeing her. It won't make things better between you two. And I don't agree with Edward's descision to keep the imprinting a secret, because now you're in pain and that should be unnecessary. You've suffered too much, it's time for you to start being happy."
"I was---with Renesmee."
"Just be patient. She'll come around, and when she does, I'll let you know the second I see it. My only guess is that if you went tomorrow to see her, it would confuse her and only delay her decision."
I sighed. I wanted answers, not questions. I pictured coming home to Dad and his cooking, trying to make me less depressed. He would turn on a game, talk a little--I shuddered. Not that quality time with Dad was bad, just not good right now.
"You can sleep here," Alice offered, guessing that's what I wanted.
"Only if you're sure it will be okay..." I hesitated, though nothing was better for me right now to sleep next to a psycic looking out for my love's future.
"Of course. You can take my bed, it's probably the most comfortable." I nodded, very grateful, and kissed her mussed up, spikey-haired head. Alice was probably my best friend, aside from Sam and the other guys. What would I do without her?
As I climbed up the stairs, I realized that I was tired. I found Alice's room and collapsed onto the bed. Hopefully I would hear something more tomorrow. I yawned and closed my eyes, and Renesmee's gloriously perfect face stared at me from behind my lids, her expression confused, torn, and concerned.
