Edward: Happy Birthday, Bella.

Bella: Screw my birthday, I don’t wanna grow up!

Edward: You’re like Peter Pan, except you’re a girl!

Bella: About that…

Edward: What?

Bella: Nothing.

Edward: Let’s go to my place.

Bella: Giving in? The perfect present…

Edward: Hell no! You think I’m weak?! WELL I’LL SHOW YOU WEAK! –Bends down to Bella’s neck-

Bella: Edward, wait for Victoria to kill me. She has more practice.

Edward: Let’s go inside!

Alice: Surprise! Big huge party to be celebrated by only 8 people! WOO!

Bella: I totally didn’t see this coming…

Esme: I baked you this wonderful cake! Since you are the only edible thing for the seven of us, you’ll just have to eat this yourself! And then we get to watch you grow as fat as Jessica! Isn’t that super? –Twitches-

Bella: …

Alice: Er… present time!

Bella: Thanks for the box of nothing, I deserve it. –Sobs-

Alice: God, you’ve never been so bipolar. IT’S A STEREO! CAN’T YOU TAKE A JOKE?! –Foams from mouth-

Bella: That was awkward.

Jasper: Cut the pain away!

Edward: What the hell Jasper?

Jasper: It helps me, even though no blade could even mark my skin. Rosalie’s fingernails sure are strong…

Cullens: …

Jasper: But seriously, Bella, cut the pain away. If you do it while I’m around, I’ll have the perfect excuse to jump you.

Bella: Being the non-selfish person I am, I’ll try that. Give me the next present.

Esme: HOME DEPOT!

Bella: Okay then… -gets paper cut-

Jasper: Can I eat you now?

Bella: Edward?

Edward: Nah. Not yet. Give me that piece of glass over there, please?

Bella: -Hands Edward glass-

Edward: Thanks. –Draws line with glass from elbow to hand on Bella-

Bella: What the hell, Edward!

Edward: Just taking Jasper’s advice…

Jasper: No one understands me! -Sobs in corner-

-The next day-

Edward: Go into the forest while I forge your signature.

Bella: …

Edward: Do it before I rape you!

Bella: You already used that one on me in the last parody.

Edward: Fine. Uh… before I bring Jasper over to get all emo on you?

Bella: A little better. Work harder on your threats, though.

Edward: Go before I bring Oprah into this!

Bella: Aw, that was weak. I’m going, though.

-In the forest-

Edward: Bella, I’m leaving you.

Bella: No! Who will save me from my abusive father?

Edward: Paris Hilton. They don’t just teach you how to get off crack in rehab.

Bella: She doesn’t look like a Paris to me. I think her name should be Samantha.

Edward: Back to the point…

Bella: Which was?

Edward: I’m leaving.

Bella: Why?

Edward: You’ll find out later in the book.

Bella: …

Edward: Bye!

Bella: NOOOO!! -Has mental and emotional breakdown-

-4 months later-

Bella: Oooh, motorcycles. It’s like the hot wheels version of a bike. I’ll just go take them since they look more like computer chairs with headlights right now. –drives to Jacob’s-

Bella: Fix these bikes and I’ll pretend to like you.

Jacob: I’m hopeless, have no future, and am to stupid to recognize my family history, let’s go!

-In garage-

Jacob: You can sit in this piece of crap I call a car.

Bella: I feel special.

-At motorcycle riding place-

Bella: I hear Edward’s voice in my head.

Jacob: That doesn’t make you crazy at all!

Bella: He talks to me when I do dangerous things.

Jacob: Nope, no therapy needed…

Bella: I’m just… gonna go now…

Jacob: -Just stands there, talking to no one- nope, of course not! Hearing voices in your head? Definitely not insane! Completely normal!

No one: My parents really hate me to give me this name.

Jacob: At least your name isn’t ‘anybody.’ (A/N you would have to read my story ‘aim with the Cullens’ to really get this)

No one: I still think no one is worse.

Jacob: Screw you; we’re supposed to be talking about MY problems here!

No one: I thought we were talking about Bella’s.

Jacob: -Throws No one over a cliff- Back to my rambling…

-The next day-

Bella: Hey Jacob, a guy asked me out on a sort-of group date and I don’t want to be alone even though there will be like 10 other people there. Wanna go with me?

Jacob: I have no social life of my own. Sure, why not?

-Movies at Port Angeles-

Mike: I feel sick.

Jacob: Shut up! Can’t you see I’m not watching the movie?!

Mike: -Runs to bathroom-

Jacob: Hahaha. GAY!

Bella: God, Jacob, you’re such a hypocrite about you’re orientation.

Jacob: True dat. Watching Mike pour his insides into the toilet through his mouth actually kind of turns me on.

Bella: …

Jacob: Let’s go home.

-At Bella’s house-

Jacob: I feel odd.

Bella: You look odd.

Jacob: That was a really gay comeback.

Bella: Shut up, asshole!

Jacob: I’m going home before I explode into an oversized dog. Bye!

-The next day-

Bella: -Calls Jacob-

Billy: Hey Bella.

Bella: Where the hell is Jacob?

Billy: God, Bella. Don’t go all bipolar on me. He uh… can’t talk right now.

Bella: Why does everyone keep telling me I’m bipolar?! And why can’t he?

Billy: Because he just turned into a mythical creature and will probably kill you if he see’s you.

Bella: …

Billy: I mean… just kidding?

Bella: Is Jacob a vampire?

Billy: …No! –Hangs up-

-One month later-

Bella: Jacob, I’m just going to stalk you until you talk to me!

Jacob: We’re not friends anymore, so fuck off!

-Later that night-

Jacob: Open the damn window!

Bella: Stalker…

Jacob: There’s a reason we can’t be friends.

Bella: Which is?

Jacob: -Dramatic pause- I’m a werewolf!

Bella: Oh no!

Mike: Oh no!

Charlie: Oh no!

-Koolaid man bursts through wall-

Koolaid man: OH YEAH!

Everyone: …

Koolaid man: -Backs out of wall- (A/n I was watching Family Guy last night and I couldn’t resist putting that up there)

Bella: Could you, like, NOT eat people?

Jacob: What the hell Bella?! Do you think I’m a cannibal?!

Bella: Yes.

Jacob: …

Bella: I regret nothing.

-Valentines Day-

Jacob: I got you a box of candy hearts because I pity that you don’t have anyone to care for you.

Bella: These hearts taste like the chalk you use to draw on the sidewalk.

Jacob: I’m a REALLY good at sculpting things.

Bella: So I’m eating…

Jacob: Yes, Bella. You are eating heart shaped chalk.

Bella: I want more!

-The next day-

Bella: I’m gonna go cliff diving to hear Edward’s voice!

Guy in passing car: Don’t jump! It’s not worth it! (A/N that actually happened to me once, me and my friends were on this bridge and my friend was looking over the edge and a guy passed by in a car and said “don’t jump!” anyways, back to the story)

Bella: -Shrugs- This’ll probably kill me, here goes nothing! -Jumps-

Edward’s voice: Swim like you’re immortal!

Bella: -Passes out-

-At Jacob’s house-

Jacob: Harry Clearwater died.

Bella: Finally…

-At Bella’s house-

Jacob: Vampire!

Bella: Woo!

Jacob: Oh, HELL no! I’ve picked up your pieces and you’re just going to go right back to them?

Bella: Yeah…

Jacob: Just makin’ sure. See ya Bells!

Bella: -walks inside-

Alice: Bella?

Bella: Alice!

Alice: Bella!

Mike: Mike!

Bella: How are you still lonely?! Go find Jessica or something! Can’t you see we were having a moment?

Mike: Jessica still looks like a pregnant Chris Crocker.

Alice: …

Mike: -Sulks- Fine. Or maybe I’ll just go hang out with Anybody… (A/N Again, read AIM story to understand)

Alice: Why are you still alive?

Bella: Why are you?! You were supposed to die like 80 years ago!

Alice: Ouch… that was cold, Bella.

Bella: I regret nothing!

Alice: Well, anyways, Edward’s about to die and we have to go save him.

Bella: Cool, where are we going?

Alice: Italy.

Bella: Sweet, road trip!

-In Italy-

Alice: Run, fat boy, run!

Bella: -trips, hyperventilates, sweats-

Edward: I’m in hell! It owns.

Bella: Not yet. You will be soon, though, I’m sure of it.

Edward: Nice to see you too.

Felix: Die, die, die!

Bella: um… ahh??

Felix: Be afraid, be VERY afraid…

Edward: Candy Mountain, here we come!

-In vampire city… thing…-

Aro: Hey girl!

Bella: Edward, you never told me Aro was gay.

Edward: There are a lot of things I didn’t tell you.

Aro: So, Edward, Who’s the lucky lady? -Winks-

Edward: I don’t feel comfortable about this…

Bella: I’m Bella.

Aro: Nice to meet you, Bella. I have to say, I’m jealous. No one could ever live up to someone as godly as him.

Bella: Finally, someone I can relate to!

Edward: Okay, ew. Are you gonna kill us or not?

Aro: That depends.

Edward: On?

Aro: On.

Edward: On…

Aro: On!

Edward: Dammit, Aro! Are you going to slaughter us or what?!

Aro: That depends…

Edward: Go on with it.

Aro: On if you’ll bite her.

Edward: Hell no! An eternity with… her?! -Shudders-

Aro: If you don’t I’ll kill you’re family.

Edward: One day I’ll do it… eventually…

Aro: Fabulous. Oh, And Edward? Come back any time you want. –winks and giggles-

Edward: Um… no. –Picks up Bella like a football and runs-

-At Bella’s house-

Bella: Don’t leave me again! I still love you!

Edward: And you still smell good!

Bella: I never want you to leave again!

Edward: Never say never, Bella!

Bella: What are you, Barney? And you just said it twice…

Edward: Well piss off! I didn’t want you, anyway!

Bella: You’ll stay though, right?

Edward: I guess. I mean, I have no where else to live.

Bella: Score!

Edward: Don’t push it.

Bella: So are you really gonna change me?

Edward: Probably not.

Bella: Screw you. I’ll ask the others.

-At Cullen House-

Bella: Want me to become a vampire?

Rosalie: I’d kill myself before that happened.

Bella: It’s not even possible for you to kill yourself...

Rosalie: Shut up, bitch!

Bella: What are everyone else’s opinions on this?

Emmett: Dah… four? -Drools-

Esme: HOME DEPOT!

Bella: Anymore fanfiction stereotypical answers?

Alice: SHOOPPING!

Jasper: Emo! EEEEMOOOO!! Cut the pain away! -runs to corner and cries while cutting wrists-

Bella: What about Carlisle?

Carlisle: I don’t really have a stereotype.

Bella: Oh.

Carlisle: So are we changing you?

Edward: No! We didn’t even get any real answers!

Bella: I know. But we are going to do what I want. I mean, I am the guest.

Edward: Screw it all, I’m going to Canada.

Bella: No! We have school tomorrow!

Edward: Oh yeah… Let’s go back to Charlie.

-At Charlie’s house-

Jacob: Hey Bella, I’m baaaaack… Dun Dun DUN!

Bella: Oh no!

Edward: Oh no!

Charlie: Oh no!

Koolaid man: Oh yeah!

Edward: Oh my god, NO! You can only do that on Tuesdays!

Koolaid man: No one told ME that…

No one: I said no such thing!

Jacob: I thought I killed you!

Edward: -slaps forehead- just… get out of here…

Koolaid man: -walks away shamefully with no one-

Jacob: Ahem… Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. I’M BACK! MUAHAHAHA!

Bella: Why?

Jacob: What?

Bella: Why? Why are you back?

Jacob: Oh… um. I told Charlie about the motorcycles.

Bella: That sucks.

Jacob: It should.

Charlie: BELLA! GET IN HERE BEFORE I TAKE AWAY MR. FEELINGS!

Jacob: Mr. Feelings? What the hell?

Bella: He’s the only one that listens to me. He’s my best friend.

Jacob: Um.

Edward: Yeah. Um.

Bella: I have a lot of free time.

Edward: I’ve noticed.

Bella: Well, I’m gonna go now. See you guys later.

Jacob: No! That’s not supposed to happen! I’m supposed to go off, then Edward is supposed to comfort you.

Bella: Oh. Okay.

Jacob: I think this is my cue to leave. –Runs-

Bella: Oh, no! What did I do?!

Edward: I don’t know. What DID you do?

Bella: No! You’re supposed to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright!

Edward: Oh. It’ll be alright… -Hugs Bella awkwardly-

Bella: I feel all better now! Let’s go play Hide and Seek in the Meadow.