DIARY ENTRY FOR APRIL 10, 2008:
It’s about 11:30 at night and Joe and I are parked outside Schrute Farms, watching as Dwight and Michael go into the farmhouse. Dwight’s cousin, Mose, is peeking out of the barn at us. The last time we were at Schrute Farms he threw manure at us, so we keep our distance. Joe is already starting to doze off in the passenger seat, but I continue to aim the camera at the farmhouse, just in case Michael should coming running out. Dwight’s home is hardly what I will call conducive to sleeping and Michael seems the type to be easily rattled by strange noises. After spending so many years watching these people, I have gotten pretty good at gauging how they will react in a situation. So, as I wait to see if Michael will make it through the night, I think back to the events of earlier in the evening.
It started out perfectly normal. Michael and Jan let me and Joe into their condo before their dinner party guests had arrived so we could set up. Jan gave us a tour, despite our insistences that it wasn’t necessary. When she brought us into what she referred to as her “workspace,” I was bowled over by the stench. She’s begun a candle-making business and all the different scents had combined into an overpowering odor that made me feel lightheaded. I’m not positive, but I think Jan may be high on candle fumes. She then pressed us as to whether we’d be interested in investing in her upstart company. Joe claimed his wife would never allow it and spent the rest of the evening hiding his left hand from sight. He clearly figured the fact that his ring finger was bare would have ruined his story. As for me, I was honest with Jan about the fact that I had no money. At that point, she cut the tour short and stopped referring to me by my first name.
Jim and Pam arrived early. Had we been alone, I might have warned them that Jan had only recently started dinner and it looked like it would be a long evening. They got the full tour of the condo and it was in Michael and Jan’s bedroom that I caught the first sign of trouble in paradise. Michael has apparently taken to sleeping on a little bench at the end of the bed. He claimed Jan had “space issues” but I could think of another word for it. Downstairs in the living room, Michael showed off his latest pride and joy, a plasma TV. Despite the fact that it was possibly the smallest TV I’d ever seen, Michael couldn’t stop talking about it. Thankfully, we were spared anymore awkwardness by the arrival of Andy and Angela. At least, I’d hope we’d be spared. Unfortunately, Andy seemed completely oblivious to the lack of affection Angela had for him and Michael and Jan’s issues were made more and more obvious to their guests as the evening wore on.
Once Andy and Angela had been given the tour, Jan put on some music, performed by her former assistant, Hunter. I wasn’t a fan of the song, but Jan seemed quite moved by the words, oddly enough. Michael made a little jab about how terrible an assistant Hunter was, which Jan responded to by badmouthing Pam, right in front of her. At that point, Pam excused herself to the bathroom. I followed after her, hoping to get a quick interview about how she felt the evening was going. She said she didn’t care what anyone might say about her, she just wanted to eat. Being that it was a dinner party, I could hardly blame her.
Dinner, however, did not come quickly. First, Michael and Jan suggested that everyone play some games. This was only further torture, as Michael was incapable of following the rules and Jim was incapable of giving a serious answer. Finally, Jim excused himself to go to the restroom. Joe was surprisingly quick and managed to beat me in following him. I was forced to remain behind and film the train wreck that was this dinner party. A few minutes later, Jim re-appeared and said his landlord had left him message saying his apartment had flooded. Pam seemed rather upbeat about this fact, especially when Jim insisted that this meant he and Pam would have to leave. I was seconds away from mentioning that I should probably go with them to film the damage, when Michael pointed out that flooding to Jim’s place didn’t mean that Pam had to leave. Jim looked surprised that Michael had realized this and Pam looked as if she was on the bridge of the sinking Titanic and Jim was in the last rowboat. Rather than stay on the boat and go down with her, Jim chose to save himself. He nearly made it out the door too, but Pam pointed out while Jim could always buy new stuff, he couldn’t buy back the dinner party. With some gentle encouraging from Michael, Jim agreed to stay. At the time, I thought it was little selfish of Pam to keep Jim from salvaging what he could of his stuff. Nevertheless, the party continued on, with things becoming more and more tense.
At one point, Michael offered Pam his jacket because she was cold and Jan appeared suspicious by this seemingly harmless gesture. Jan then took Pam and Angela off to the kitchen for a “girls” moment and I followed them. They chatted for a bit and then Jan brought up the fact that she believed Pam and Michael had once been involved. Pam vehemently denied this and I have to think she’s probably telling the truth. Dating Michael requires a sort of mental instability and Pam seems to be in her right mind. However, Jan didn’t seem to believe her. Just as it looked like nothing worse could happen, the doorbell rang.
At this point in the evening, I was shocked beyond words by the way Jan and Michael were behaving around each other. Despite their constant use of the words “babe” and “honey” to each other, I couldn’t have imagined two people more unhappy with their current situation. The arrival of Dwight at the door with two wine glasses, a cooler, and a complete stranger seemed a perfect addition to the already disturbing situation. Michael invited Dwight and his guest in, but not before revealing to the entire room that he had undergone three vasectomies due to Jan’s ever-changing attitude about having children. Despite this setback, all the guests finally made it to the dinner table. While Jan was serving, I heard Michael whisper to Pam that he suspected Jan might be poisoning his food. I doubted that Jan would actually offer me or Joe anything to eat, but I told him to be sure to refuse if she did.
I saw Pam excuse herself to go the restroom again so I went after her. In the bathroom, she told me that she was almost positive that Jan hadn’t done anything to the food. However, she did point out that if Jan was going to poison someone’s food, wouldn’t Michael’s former lover be the most obvious choice? The sarcasm was obvious, however I did ask her if she had ever been involved with Michael romantically. Her response was graphic enough that I’m sure we will have to edit it out in the final product.
Back at the dinner table, things had gone from bad to worse between Michael and Jan. Jan told Michael not to dip his food in his wine glass and Michael insisted that he had soft teeth. Michael then excused himself from the table and Jim tried to break up with tension by asking Dwight’s guest how she knew Dwight. She revealed that she used to be Dwight’s babysitter and Dwight insisted their relationship was merely carnal. Had I been eating, I would have thrown up. Michael came back into the room carrying a beer sign. With Jan glaring daggers at him, he hung the sign up on the dining room wall and plugged it in. It was a disturbingly bright sign that illuminated the entire room in blue light. Jan countered this by putting on that annoying song by her assistant.
You could have cut the tension in the room with a knife. Michael and Jan began screaming at each other, completely oblivious to the fact that there were other people in the room. Finally, Jan grabbed one of Michael’s Dundie awards and threw it at his little TV. The Dundie broke, the TV broke, and I considered the best way to sneak out of the room. Thankfully, everyone else seemed to have the same idea and soon all the guests were headed for the door. I hurried outside so I could get a shot of people leaving the house. As Jim and Pam were walking out, I turned to see two police officers walking up. They referred to Dwight by his first name, so I can either assume he’s been in trouble a lot or he spends his free time down at the police station reporting crimes he believes have taken place. Apparently the neighbors had complained to the police about screaming coming from Michael’s house. Michael apologized and one of the police officers suggested he find someplace else to stay that night. Michael immediately looked to Jim, but Jim reminded him his apartment was flooded. Well, to be exact, Jim said his apartment was on fire and Pam had to correct him. I’m actually beginning to suspect there was no flood and Jim made up that story to get out of the party.
Be that as it may, Dwight volunteered to let Michael say at Schrute Farms and dragged Michael off to his car. Joe decided to follow Dwight and Michael and I went after Jim and Pam. The couple stopped at a fast food joint where they ate hamburgers and listened to Hunter’s CD, which Jim had stolen on his way out of Michael’s place. Because I couldn’t take listening to the stupid song again, I decided to head out to Schrute Farms just in case Joe needed any help keeping an eye on Dwight and Michael. As I was headed out of town, I spotted Andy’s car in a parking lot and Angela and Andy sitting inside eating ice cream. As I watched them through the camera, Andy took a bite of Angela’s ice cream and in turn, she rolled down her window and smashed her ice cream cone against the side of his car. I felt this was just more proof of Angela’s contempt for the man she was dating. Of course, I might be wrong. Maybe she just doesn’t like ice cream. Or cars. Or people.
So, here I am. It’s nearly midnight and Joe is now snoring in the seat next to me. Mose has disappeared into the barn and I can’t help but wonder if he actually sleeps there. I’m getting a little tired myself, but I keep the camera aimed at the house. Being a cameraman isn’t an easy job, especially not on this assignment. I sometimes feel like I’m living these people’s lives and I’ve actually started to care about them. When Jim and Pam denied to us earlier in the year that they were dating, Joe and I decided to show them the footage we had filmed of them kissing because we truly cared about them and were happy they’d finally gotten together. It definitely wasn’t part of our job description to confront them about their denials, but we decided it was something they needed to admit. Now I really wanted to show Michael and Jan proof that they were miserable together. I knew I wouldn’t though, mostly because I was scared of Jan. I also wanted to show Andy and Angela proof that they didn’t belong together. Again, I knew I wouldn’t because I was scared of Angela. Just as I am about put my camera down and get a few hours of sleep, the farmhouse door flies open and out rushes Michael, followed closely by Dwight. I can hear him yelling at Dwight about ghosts. Dwight is fully dressed but Michael is wearing nothing but a T-shirt and boxer shorts. I zoom the camera in on Michael. When Joe wakes up I want to show him that Michael wears boxer shorts with little pink kisses on them. It’s the little things that make me love this job.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: If this little piece of fan fiction is well received, I will write another "diary entry" after each new episode. Please comment if you liked, disliked, or didn't care. Actually, if you didn't care, please don't comment. I am not fond of apathy. ;D Thank you!!
