1. If you are married, and intend to renew your wedding vows, DON'T. You will end up divorced.
2. Amnesia is very common. In fact, nearly every time you hit your head amnesia will result. AND it's fairly simple to get rid of. Just have people:
A)Take turns hitting you on the head again until your memory comes back
OR
B)Have them let you wander around, confused, for a few days until it comes back on its own or something else hits you on the head.
3. If a friend or member of your family introduces a cousin, aunt, uncle, sibling, etc that looks EXACTLY like them, run in the other direction. They are always EVIL.
4. Do not hire a butler, a maid, or a nanny unless you are willing to accept them into your family. Either you or a family member will end up falling in love with them. In the case of two or more of the above living under one roof, prepare for double the love troubles.
5. If you have a pet, you don't need to train them! They will grow up to perform tricks, save people's lives, and be really really cute entirely on their own!
6. If you have a secret, the entire world will know in just 22 short minutes. Doesn't matter if you "tell" anyone, somehow everyone will still find out.
7. You will dislike the company of (possibly even despise) your in-laws.
7a. You will dislike your kid'(s) bf/gf.
7b. 9 times out of 10 they will also dislike you.
8. Twins are a really common phenomenon (both identical and fraternal). You can have twins easily with no fertility treatments! Wow, awesome! So if you are expecting, don't just eat for 2. Play it safe and eat for 3.
9. If you see a pair of handcuffs, don't touch them. Just don't. The keys are always missing. But if you do happen to touch the handcuffs, prepare yourself to wind up being attached to:
A)The sibling you like the least
B)Someone ridiculous (i.e. hooker, stranger, etc)
C)Someone you can't stand
D)All of the above?
This will normally last for around 24 hours.
10. Stag/Hen parties are always, always, always a BAD idea. No elaboration needed.
11. Running into your ex(s), even in a big city, is really common and will always happen when you are with your current significant other.
11a. If your ex calls and wants to see you DO NOT (i repeat) DO NOT agree to see them again because they will always attempt to get back together with you.
11b. Conversely, if you attempt reconciliation they will always be with their significant other. Damn.
12. It is not only easy to meet your favorite celebrity, but appearing on their show, singing with them, or getting them to assist you in some hair brained scheme is also fairly simple.
13. Never buy an expensive vase, desk, lamp, piece of furniture, vest, dress, watch (ok, just don't buy anything expensive at all!) because it will somehow end up broken, lost, or destroyed.
13a. Hint: If you have children, they did it.
13b. If you don't have children, it's most likely an extraneous family member causing trouble. See #7.
14. If you intend to throw someone a surprise party or event of some sort, they will always find out. See #6.
15. Architects, Doctors, Lawyers, TV/Radio hosts, Musicians, and Designers are all very common career choices. Hardly anyone ever becomes a Teacher, Secretary, Clerk, or Accountant. (How boring!)
16. If you do something terrible to a friend or family member all you need to do is apologize and all will be forgiven. Whether you called your sibling a nasty name or cheated on your spouse, they will forgive you and life moves on. After all, that's what friends and family do! NOTE: Sometimes, multiple apologies may be necessary.
17. Beware of your neighbors. They are always annoying and generally very nosy. If you suspect they are spying on you, it's because they probably are! They never have anything better to do with their time except come over and bother you. Better get used to it!
18. If you have a cellar, make sure to check it on a semi-normal basis. Somehow, someone will end up stuck down there (and they'll start losing their minds almost immediately!)
19. If you are a teenager, you will always get the boy/girl of your dreams to fall for you. It doesn't matter if you are the world's biggest nerd and they are the world's biggest hottie; just pursue them for a little while and everything will turn out the way you want. (Again, this may take a little time. But don't despair, it will happen!)
20. Never eavesdrop. You will inevitably misinterpret the overheard conversation and come to a grandiose and incorrect conclusion which will result in your embarrassment. So, if you hear two people you know discussing something important, resist the urge to listen in.
Note from the author: The above does not necessarily apply to animated or "mockumentary" sitcoms (i.e. The Simpsons, The Office, Scrubs, Family Guy, Modern Family, etc.)
Actress Mary Stein
