Halloween is the most important day of the year. It's the one day on the Gregorian calendar where you're allowed to go around terrifying children and not be branded a psychopath. – Chanel

I am a future network news anchor who's super classy and has almost no fat on her body. But a lot of my fans are, like, friendless, dumpy coeds at this or that nursing school in one of this country's various national armpits. And Chanel-o-ween is the one time of year where I can give these precious donkeys something to look forward to. They put down their Hot Pockets and bask in the warm glow of what it feels like to love me. – Chanel

Weston (laughs softly) this has been a terrifying night, and, uh you're an overwhelmed single father who's back on the dating scene, and clearly that's got you a little freaked out. I'm not gonna hold any of this against you, and I'm gonna let you be my date for the faculty Halloween party. We are going as Bo Peep and her sheep. – Dean Munsch to Wes

Shondell, if you can hear me in that Best Buy parking lot in the sky, I am so sorry that I pushed you out of my car and drove off real scared. But I promise you, by Halloween night, I will avenge your face stabbing, baby girl, okay? I, Denise Hemphill, is gonna solve this crime. – Denise

You see, Mandy, I'm a vault, and to get in this vault you need a key. Now, you may ask, a key to what? It's a key to meaning. Once you've found the meaning, you don't need the words. You know what I'm saying? So find me the man who's forgotten all the words that I may have a word with him, and then we can just (makes quiet whooshing sound) throw away the key. – Pete impersonating Matthew McConaughey

Now, I've got everything we need in the kitchen to make sausages out of her. I can sell them at the farmers' market on Sunday, or I can just feed them to these bitches for dinner. – Kappa Maid/Cook

If a young sorority pledge dies under my so-called supervision, my career is over! Her dreams are as dead as she is while mine still burn bright. – Dean Munsch

I left the next day. Told my parents it was from the stress. Other girls changed their names and moved away. One girl killed herself, I heard. Another girl was institutionalized. The third is actually doing pretty well on Fox News. – Mandy

Sweetheart I looked at that baby up close. I know my peas and carrots. That baby was a girl. – Mandy

Um, this just in-- Ms. Bean's not dead. She's haunting the campus with her fatness and murdering people. – Chanel

I am responsible for the worst pledge class in Kappa history, and now Zayday's gonna win because we live in the age of Obama? I'll lose everything! – Chanel

No, you were born in a hospital. I was there. I saw you come out of your mother. Big mistake, by the way. – Wes

The End is Near: Everyone must know that Zayday Williams is a Bruja (Dirty Mexican Witch). Her haunted house is just a vat of boiling water so she can collect your skulls and coat them in sugar. Do not go! – Chanel’s Flyer

Death is Upon You: Do not go to that hoodrat haunted house you will get mugged and killed. And Die!!! – Chanel’s Flyer

You Will Die: Let it be known that Zayday Williams practices voodoo and her haunted house is just a trap to kill you and skin you for black magic. Do not go to her haunted house! – Chanel’s Flyer

And you have all rallied around me. Just like I would do for any of you if I wasn't busy that day. – Chanel

You know what? Poo Belly is right. I'm tired of depriving myself of joy and sustenance. I mean, for what? So a boy will like me? Guys can be as porky as they want and we still like them. I'm skinny as Karen Carpenter in the morgue and Chad Radwell still won't commit to me. I may die at the end of a serial killer's blade, but I refuse to die hungry. Let's go get some pizza. - Chanel