It’s been awhile since I did something like this. A year in fact. I know this sounds really ‘edgy and cringy’ but I uh used to write. I would write lyrics and poems and sometimes just words. One day I told myself I was done, and deleted everything I’d written, all the darkness and pain I’d expressed. Somehow I thought that if I got rid of it, it wouldn’t exist, or that just maybe I could forget and let things go. I was wrong btw. I had found a sort of way to understand myself a bit maybe. Throwing everything out made it harder? I had no outlet... but I never picked it up again. Sometimes I think about what I wrote and I realize how much I scare me. I scare myself more than any other thing I could ever imagine. Sure, just thinking about it kinda hurts. I was so terrified of myself and also that somehow my friend would find it. [i don’t have that to worry about anymore. Ouch.] I tormented myself with that for weeks. Just thinking about how a few lines would have ripped up her heart. I didn’t want her to understand. I didn’t want to show the other side of me. I think darkly and deeply. I never wanted anyone to ever question what I was thinking. If I went back, would I understand?
Writing probably messed me up more in some ways. In our minds, we learn there are places we shouldn’t go. I stepped over the line.
But. I remember once when I convinced myself to carry on after a page of downward spirals.
So for now, I’m gonna throw stuff down. It won’t be the same. I won’t let it be. I’m not going to collapse again just to remember what lying in a pool of your own shards of ice feels like. Plus I’m not there anymore and I’m never going back., and this time, someone might see it so...
(Diluted. Scribbled. Hurry don’t look back) (I’ve shut a lot of stuff out)
Um
F*ck. Actually I’m not completely sure about this. I know I’m not making sense. I’d go to far. Nvm
Recovery?
From razor blades
To rubber bands
To black lines
on shaky hands
Maybe one day
They’ll be no signs
But I’ll always see the underlines
I don’t believe I’ll ever be
Truthfully, completely free
Water can’t wash it all away
Invisible
Here to stay
No.
Writing probably messed me up more in some ways. In our minds, we learn there are places we shouldn’t go. I stepped over the line.
But. I remember once when I convinced myself to carry on after a page of downward spirals.
So for now, I’m gonna throw stuff down. It won’t be the same. I won’t let it be. I’m not going to collapse again just to remember what lying in a pool of your own shards of ice feels like. Plus I’m not there anymore and I’m never going back., and this time, someone might see it so...
(Diluted. Scribbled. Hurry don’t look back) (I’ve shut a lot of stuff out)
Um
F*ck. Actually I’m not completely sure about this. I know I’m not making sense. I’d go to far. Nvm
Recovery?
From razor blades
To rubber bands
To black lines
on shaky hands
Maybe one day
They’ll be no signs
But I’ll always see the underlines
I don’t believe I’ll ever be
Truthfully, completely free
Water can’t wash it all away
Invisible
Here to stay
No.
2ntyOnePilots
commented…
Thanks for listening. It means a lot that someone would care enough to try and understand.
over a year ago