Ralphie: *Runs to bathroom, and locks door*

Finally, I had the only room to myself where a colt of nine could have his own privacy. Now to decode the secret message. Aha, B.

Ralphie: *Writes down B*

E. Things were starting out smoothly. S, and the next letter was U.

Randy: *Knocking on door* Aw come on Ralphie!
Mother: Ralphie, unlock the door, and come out!
Ralphie: Alright Ma, I'll be right out. Gee whiz. *Writes down a R, E, and a T, and O*

Be sure to. Be sure to what?! I had to find out what the message was, and fast.

Ralphie: *Continues writing letters*
Mother: Will you come out of there Ralphie?
Ralphie: Alright ma, I'll be right out!!

It was close. The fate of the planet depended on me solving this message.

Randy: *Knocking on door*
Mother: Ralphie! Randy has got to go!!
Ralphie: I'LL BE RIGHT OUT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!

The end was almost near. Yes, yes, yes.

Ralphie: *Finishes writing, and looks at secret message* Be sure to drink your ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch! *Leaves bathroom*

I went out again to face Equestria, wiser.

Ralphie: *Looks at red cabbage in pot, and sits down at table to drink milk* Red cabbage again?
Mother: I dunno, it's for tomorrow night. You love red cabbage Ralph. *Hears Dad fighting the furnace*
Dad: You filthy sicken hook-aid! Oh, smelly wok buster! Grout shell fratten house stickle fifer!
Mother: *Grabs watering can, and goes to living room*
Dad: You bladder puss nut grafter! Dorton hoper...

What happened next was a family controversy for years.

Dad: You wart mundane noodle! You shotten shifter paskabah! You snort tonguer! Lame monger snaffa shell cocker! *Hears glass breaking, and runs out of the furnace* What was that? What happened?!
Ralphie: *Shrugs*
Dad: *Runs into living room* What happened? What broke?
Mother: *Kneeling on floor, looking at the lamp which just broke* I don't know what happened, I was watering my plants, and I.... Broke your lamp.
Dad: *Looks around the living room for a few seconds, and then kneels in front of mother, and grabs the lamp* Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.
Mother: Jealous of a plastic...
Dad: Jealous! Jealous because I WON.
Mother: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!

Now it was out.

Dad: *Very angry* get the glue.
Mother: We're out of glue*
Dad: GREH!! *Squeezes lamp* YOU USED UP ALL THE GLUE, ON PURPOSE!!!

The old stallion stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...

Dad: Naddafinga!

Later that night, dad tried putting the lamp back together. He heard the whistle, and chuffing of a steam locomotive, but ignored it. The lamp was more important than a train crossing our street half a mile down the road.

When my father finished, the lamp fell apart again.

Dad: *Looking at lamp*
Mother: *Covering her mouth while laughing*
Dad: *Looks at mother*
Mother: *Stops laughing*

With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old stallion gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played, gently.

2 B Continued