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Seanthehedgehog presents

Ponies On The Rails

Starring

Peirce Hawkins "Hawkeye" From Seanthehedgehog

Red Rose From Chibiemmy

Honey Bee From NaomiWinx

Coffee Creme From KarinaBrony

Snowflake & Orion From Alinah09

Gordon, Percy, Jeff, Bartholomew, and Pete from Seanthehedgehog

Hawkeye: *stops train at station* Hi. My name is Peirce Hawkins, though someponies prefer to call me Hawkeye. For ten episodes of this season, I have made many readers of this series very happy, and gave them a good laugh. Well, not all of them came from me, but I tried! Now let's take a look at some of the highlights we all enjoyed.

Episode 1

Hawkeye: Hi, you must be my new fire mare.
Coffee Creme: Yup.
Hawkeye: Name's Peirce Hawkins, though some ponies call me Hawkeye. Climb aboard, and we'll get going.
Coffee Creme: *enters locomotive*
Hawkeye: Alright, all you have to do is use this shovel, to put all the coal into this firebox. I'll let you know when to stop.
Coffee Creme: *shoveling coal*
Hawkeye: *waiting for signal*
Snowflake: *turns signal green*
Hawkeye: Alright, once I pull this lever, we'll get the wheels moving, and we're outta here. *pulls lever*

The wheels moved, but Hawkeye's train didn't go anywhere

Hawkeye: Come on. You're made to pull this!
Coffee Creme: *shoveling coal*
Hawkeye: Alright. Now we're moving.

Next part

Hawkeye: Now we uncouple the locomotives, and put them in the servicing facility. Meanwhile, three engines will get behind the train, and push it down the hump.
Coffee Creme: How do you hump a train?
Hawkeye: You don't. It goes down a hill which is called the hump, because it goes uphill, and shortly after that it goes downhill.
Coffee Creme: Is that it?
Hawkeye: Sort of. The cars in the train get uncoupled, and they go to different parts in the yard. The operator here is quick on her hooves.
Coffee Creme: What's her name?
Hawkeye: Red Rose. You can see her through the windows in that tower.
Orion: Hey. Get your engines uncoupled, and let's go.
Hawkeye: Sure thing. *uncouples engines* Alright. We're set. *enters locomotive*
Coffee Creme: *follows*
Orion: *couples engines*
Red Rose: *switches tracks*
Hawkeye: *gets out of way*
Orion: *pushes train*
Hawkeye: And now, enjoy the action.

Next part

February 13, 1948

Hawkeye: *waits at station*
Gordon: *driving train*
Pete: Darling, where are you going?
Theresa: I'm going for a walk.
Pete: Alright, but come back soon. Our train leaves soon.
Honey: Surely this signal has to turn green someday.
Hawkeye: It will, and don't call me Shirley.
Theresa: *on bridge* Is this part of your line?
Pete: No, that belongs to the Santa Neigh line.
Gordon: *driving train*
Pete: Watch out!!
Theresa: Ah! *drops purse*
Gordon: *going 50* Get outta the way!!
Theresa: *grabs purse*
Pete: Hurry up!
Gordon: *runs over Theresa*
Pete: *gasp* YOU IDIOT!!! You killed my wife!!
Gordon: *drives faster*

Episode 2

B&O worker: *sees Hawkeye's train*
Hawkeye: *stops train* Hey, how's it going?
B&O worker: Fine. Your engines are ready to be picked up.
Hawkeye: Oh, my controller made me stop here along the way. He said you can keep these engines in our train for a few of your Pacifics.
B&O worker: Really? Thanks.
Hawkeye: No, thank you. Where are the Pacifics.
B&O worker: Let me check with my boss. *walks away*
Coffee Creme: Well? Now what?
Hawkeye: We tell his boss the same story. In the meantime, just relax.

next part

Red Rose: *switching tracks* Orion, slow down a little will you?
Orion: Fine *slows down*
Hawkeye: *blows whistle*
Red Rose: *switches wrong track* Wha-?!
Orion: Seems like they got the engines.
Pete: *sees Hawkeye's engines* What happened? I thought I was leasing diesels here!
Hawkeye: Yeah about that. They didn't have any, and gave us these three engines instead.
Pete: Alright. Tomorrow, you, and Coffee Creme are going to carry a freight down into Greeley.
Hawkeye: Alright. See you tomorrow Pete.
Coffee Creme: Bye boss.
Snowflake: Hey, wait for me!
Honey: And me!
Hawkeye: Oh why not? The more the merrier.
Snowflake: Let's all hop in my station wagon.
Others: Sounds good!
Snowflake: Who's house are we going to today?
Gordon: Mine!
Hawkeye: No thank you, I'd rather stay healthy.

next part

Gordon returned to Cheyenne with the two diesels, painted in B&O colors.

Pete: What is this? Did you steal these engines?!
Gordon: No sir! I-It was Hawkeye!! He set me up!
Pete: Hawkeye would never do something like that! Unlike you, he is a hard worker, delivers trains on time, and does not steal engines like what you've done!
Gordon: But- you've got to find him, and interrogate him about this!
Pete: No buts. He is in Greeley, and is lucky not to deal with you like I am right now. You are suspended from work with no pay for a month!
Gordon: Fuck!
Pete: Two months.
Gordon: Fine! *runs away*

Episode 3

Gordon returned to work after his suspension. He was happy to return, but little did he know that things would ultimately go bad for him.

Pete: Welcome back Gordon. Now repeat after me.
Gordon: What for?
Pete: Repeat after me! I will not do anything to disgrace this railroad.
Gordon: I will not do anything to disgrace this railroad.
Pete: Or anyone that works here
Gordon: Or anyone that works here.
Pete: I will do exactly what my boss tells me to do.
Gordon: I will do exactly what my boss tells me to do.
Pete: And I will not fuck with him in anyway.
Gordon: And I will not fuck with him in anyway.

Next part

Gordon: Ok, no cursing. This is my train, no cursing.
Hawkeye: Piss.
Gordon: Hey, what the hell did I just say?
Hawkeye: N*gger.
Gordon: Oh wow, are you deaf?
Hawkeye: Damnit.
Gordon: Still going. Really?
Hawkeye: Hell.
Gordon: Do you want me to jump out of this train?
Hawkeye: It'd be pretty nice.
Gordon: Well I'm not the one breaking rules here. So go shovel the coal, pronto.
Hawkeye: We'll be fine. When we get up to Sherman hill, then we'll need more coal. Get ready.
Gordon: This is going to be a long journey.
Hawkeye: Eeyup

next part

Gordon: Hey, if you let me drive this train, I will be the happiest pony ever.
Hawkeye: *flicks Gordon*
Gordon: dadlhbndfgonlkesjgkodsfgbvdfljkgzx! YOU. Leave this train right now! If you're going to torturize me, then get off this train!

Later

Hawkeye: Alright, time to highball down the line. *pushes lever*
Gordon: How fast do you intend to go?
Hawkeye: 60.
Gordon: What?!
Hawkeye: 60
Gordon: I heard you, but that made me give the intention to ask again. What?!
Hawkeye: Well how fast do you want to go, 20?
Gordon: Shouldn't we be going 80?
Hawkeye: If we hit 75, and we try to stop, the breaks will brake. Don't you remember?
Gordon: No, that's why I asked.

Episode 4

Gordon: Whoa whoa whoa! Hold up you losers. What's going on here?
Hawkeye: We're shooting a commercial. Winner
Gordon: W-
Hawkeye: Of the loser's championship!
Gordon: UGH!! I was going to come back here, and get rehired, but I guess not! *walks away*
Director: Well, if that's the case, you can't be in the commercial.
Gordon: I don't wanna be in it anyway!

Director: Not you!! Pete!
Pete: What?! He's not in the crew anymore, he was fired!
Director: Then rehire him so he can be a part of the crew.
Hawkeye: If only you were here for the two, and a half years Gordon worked on this line.

next part

Gordon: *walks to taxis*
Hawkeye: Let's follow him now! *follows Gordon*
Coffee Creme: *follows*
Gordon: TAXI!!
Cab driver: *stops*
Gordon: *gets in* Take me to Manehattan at Grand Central Station.
Cab driver: *drives*
Hawkeye: *whistles* TAXI!
cab driver: *stops*
Hawkeye: Follow that cab
cab driver: *takes off*
Hawkeye: *gets in* With me, and the lovely mare!

next part

Red Rose: Gordon, make sure you uncouple the tank cars from the box car.
Gordon: I know what to do! *uncouples tank cars* Oh wait. I think there were chemicals in there. *chases tank cars*
Orion: *Stops*
Red Rose: What are you doing Gordon?!?
Gordon: Saving your ass! So I can slap it!
Red Rose: I wish he did jump off the empire state building.

The freight cars kept going down the hill

Gordon: NO! STOP!! *jumps on*
Orion: Oh my god.
Gordon: *applies brakes* Oh piss! The brakes broke!! *grabs stones*
Red Rose: Where did that come from?!
Gordon: STOP!! STOP!! *throws stones idiotically*
Orion: Should we tell Pete about this?
Red Rose: Nah, let's watch his moronic act.

Episode 5

Gordon: *stops engine*
Coffee Creme: A little closer.
Gordon: ugh *backs up*
Coffee Creme: Perfect. *goes to air brakes*
Gordon: Let's go! Hurry up.
Coffee Creme: *connecting air brakes*
Gordon: *blows whistle*

Meanwhile, up in the signalbox

Snowflake: Hmm, that train must be ready. *turns signal green*
Gordon: *accelerates*
Coffee Creme: WAit!! *finishes connecting air brakes*

Unfortunately Coffee Creme was standing on the couplers while the train was in motion.

next part

Coffee Creme: I'm surprised we haven't crashed yet.
Gordon: We're not going to.
Coffee Creme: I think we should just go forward. The tracks are probably fixed now.
Gordon: No, they're not. As a matter of fact, we had to wait for them to fix the track.
Coffee Creme: Still, could be worse.

Suddenly, the sound of a crashing train could be heard. Orion crashed into the back of Gordon's train.

(Everybody, say it with me)

Luckily, no one was hurt.

Except for the millions of passengers that probably just died on Orion's passenger train. Luckily, no one important was hurt.

Pete: Well, I heard of an epic screw up you caused with Orion's passenger train today.
Gordon: (Fuck!)
Pete: But I heard you did a very good job fixing the damage caused by the train wreck.
Gordon: (Say what?) Thanks.
Pete: As a reward, I'm giving you the entire week off.
Gordon: Thank you sir.
Pete: Starting now.
Gordon: Yahoo! *runs away* I'm going to a beach alongside Neigh Jersey. See you ponies in one week!!

Episode 6

Pete: Jeff isn't feeling well, and took the day off. So we got you another pony to work with.
Percy: Uh, ok. Where is he?
Pete: He's right here.

The new pony was a black stallion, and walked rather quickly to the two ponies. His voice made him sound like he smoked 10 packs of cigarettes.

BS: Hello. My name is.. Douchebag.

next part

Red Rose: Percy? What's wrong?
Percy: I got fired.
Red Rose: *gasp* Why?
Percy: Apparently I let a new worker steal a truck, and crash into a train.
Red Rose: That's terrible.
Percy: Yeah. If only Jeff wasn't sick.
Red Rose: Wait a minute. You just gave me an idea!
Percy: What?
Red Rose: Where's Coffee Creme?
Percy: I don't know.
Red Rose: Alright. What about Gordon?
Percy: He doesn't come back from his break until tomorrow.
Red Rose: Shit! Do you know where Jeff lives?
Percy: I think so.
Red Rose: Than go find him.
Percy: I'm on it! *flies off*

next part

Percy: Alright. Time travel away.
Jeff: Uh, Percy? I don't know any time traveling spells.
Percy: Great. Our only hope is Coffee Creme.
Gordon: *stops nearby* Or you can count on me.
Percy: Gordon? But you're not supposed to get back until tomorrow.
Gordon: Yeah well I didn't want to get late so I decided to leave early. Anyway, that's not the point. I heard you got fired, and needed some help.

Episode 7

May 25, 1951

We start this episode near the station of Cheyenne. An observation car was sitting on a siding near the line.

???: Oh my god man! How many of these engines do you still have?
Pete: The same ammount we had since 1944.
???: That's not good! We can't allow this!!!
Pete: Sir, we have a lot of engines, why do you insist on replacing some in favor of new engines?
???: You know why. We need more diesels, and less steam! If we don't get rid of these engines, WE'LL LOSE MONEY!!!
Pete: I think we're already losing money buying new diesels.
???: And we make money by selling the steam engines! Alright, listen. We need these engines gone within eight years, alright? Start with the switchers, than continue with the stronger engines. If you don't get the job done, you can go work for another railroad. Now get the fuck off my car!

next part

Pete: Uh, Kevin? I mean sir? What is my consist for today?
Kevin: You are to get a train that is 90,000 pounds worth of oil up Sherman Hill, with a 9000 class engine.
Pete: Sir, the rails are slippery. I can't get a 90,000 pound train up there.
Kevin: Yeah, well some ponies said I couldn't wear sunglasses during a snowstorm, but here I am.
Pete: Why are you wearing sunglas-
Kevin: Don't you question me! I have a horn, and wings!!

next part

After leaving the yard, we drove to Sherman Hill. Our locomotive was doing 35

Kevin: You may need to go a bit faster.
Pete: How much?
Kevin: Go 40.
Pete: *makes train go 40*

We started going up the hill. It was a long way up, and despite my being nervous, I was determined to get this train up the hill.

Pete: How are we doing now?
Kevin: Excellent. We've got a steep grade here, so why don't we keep this thing at 40, and talk?
Pete: About what?
Kevin: Do you have a special somepony?
Pete: I do, my wife.
Kevin: How long have you been married?
Pete: 6 months.
Kevin: That's nice.
Pete: What about you? Any special somepony?
Kevin: I found a few mares, but I'm not entirely sure which one to ask out.
Pete: Do you think about them a lot?
Kevin: Yeah. Sometimes I think about being in bed with them.
Pete: wow. Good luck with that. If you get to that.

Episode 8

Honey had just finished bringing a train into Cheyenne. She was going to wait for her next assignment at the station, when she saw a sign.

Honey: The secret unicorn club?
Gordon: That's right, and if you're not a unicorn you can't join.
Honey: Who would want to join your club anyway?
Jeff: Me.
Coffee Creme: Me too.
Honey: What for?
Jeff: He's offering us free things, like food and alcohol.
Gordon: Too bad you're not a unicorn. Leave!

next part

Police pony: Hey!! What are you doing?
Gordon: Me?
Police: Yes you! It says no alcoholic beverages in the station!!
Gordon: Well I'm not in the station! I'm on the platform, sitting in a chair, with a grill!!
Police pony: You can't have any of that on the platform. You're underarrest *arrests Gordon*
Jeff: Haha!! Gordon got arrested!
Pete: Yeah, but I wanted to punish him! We gotta bust him out.

next part

Gordon: I wanna apologize for being mean to you. Can you all forgive me?
Jeff: No.
Gordon: Holy shit! I just apologized!
Jeff: *laughs* Just joking with you Gordon. Of course we forgive you.
Hawkeye: You may be an asshole at times, but deep down, you're a good pony.
Coffee Creme: I still don't understand why you hate steam engines.
Gordon: I don't hate them, I just think diesels are better.
Hawkeye: Well, let me just say that these steam engines will never be replaced!

Ten years later

Hawkeye: *sees diesels* Great. Ten years ago, I said some things that would eventually become a lie.

Episode 9

Gordon: *Looking at map of Equestria* Hey, Bart! Do you know how long it would take to get to Germany from my place if I was driving?
Bartholomew: Perhaps you should try looking at an actual world map instead of that pathetic nonsense!
Gordon: Who asked you?! *grabs smartphone* Fine, if you're gonna be like that, I'll just ask the smartphone, and it'll tell me how to get from here to Germany, and how long it will take!
Bartholomew: WE CAN'T USE SMARTPHONES IN 1951!!! Have you lost your mind?!
Gordon: *searching* Watch how it's done asshole! Going from Equestria to Germany. Yo, I do what I want nigga! *gasps*
Bartholomew: *looks*
Gordon: Swim across the atlantic ocean! Seriously?
Bartholomew: Oh my. Better get started, that sure is a bloody long swim.

next part

Bartholomew: Alright then, you have to continue slowly.
Hawkeye: Uh, Bartholomew?
Bartholomew: Yes?
Hawkeye: I've been an engineer since 1947. I know what I'm doing.
Bartholomew: I was just making sure you knew. On The London & New England Railway, we made sure the engineer knew so no accidents would accure.
Coffee Creme: Don't you mean occur?
Bartholomew: No, I mean accure. Carry on *teleports back to train*

next part

Meanwhile in the train yard at Cheyenne.

Red Rose: Orion, a little faster please.
Orion: *pushes freight cars a little faster*
Bartholomew: I don't see why Gordon hated this. *uncouples freight cars*
Red Rose: Be careful Bartholomew, there's a tank car with chemicals coming toward you. Uncouple it from the rest of the train.
Bartholomew: Ok
Orion: *pushes chemical car past Bartholomew*
Bartholomew: Hey wait!! *runs past chemical car*
Orion: *stops*
Bartholomew: *uncouples tank car*

The tank car started rolling, but Bartholomew's hoof somehow got stuck on the ladder*

Bartholomew: AHH! HELP!!!
Red Rose: What?
Orion: The?
Bartholomew: FUCK!! *nearly hits signal*
Orion: I hope he doesn't get hurt
Bartholomew: *grabs gun*
Red Rose: Why does he have that?
Bartholomew: *shoots ladder* I got to get free *shoots ladder*
Orion: Look out for the box car next to your tank car
Bartholomew: AH *hits box car, and falls off tank car* I'M OK!! Leave me here so I can rest my broken bones!!

episode 10

When Gordon got home, he was looking at a book while eating pizza.

Gordon: *reading book* After getting rid of your hunger, the spell should work. *finishes slice of pizza* Ok, let's do this. *stands up*

Soon, some light came from his horn, and after a quick flash, everything changed

Gordon: Alright. *checks money* I got everything, good.
Mare: What are you doing in my house?
Gordon: Oh this is my house. You see, I'm a unicorn, and I used a time traveling spell.
Mare: Where did you come from?
Gordon: 1951.

next part

Colt: *walks to Gordon* Hey, how many pounds do you have?
Colt friends: *laugh*
Gordon: Hey, how many mares did you fuck in bed? Get a life losers. *walks away*
Colts: *cry*
Gordon: *looks at store* What's a Verizon? *enters*
Desk Clerk: Good morning. Can I help you with something?
Gordon: Yes, I'd like a Verizon. *looks at cellphones* What are all these?
Desk Clerk: Cell phones. Would you like one?
Gordon: Yes. *checks money* I have $200. What can you give me?
Desk Clerk: Well, we got some smartphones over there.
Gordon: I'd like one of those please.
Desk Clerk: *grabs smartphone* This is our latest, and greatest model. It costs $100.
Gordon: Here *pays for smartphone*
Desk Clerk: Thank you, *gives Gordon charger* You'll need this for when your battery dies.
Gordon: Ok, thanks. *takes charger*

next part

Gordon was bored, so he decided to check out what the Union Pacific looked like.

Gordon: I'll bet every single steam engine is dead. *runs to station*

After three minutes of running

Gordon: *panting* Ugh, how much longer do I have to go? *looks back* (All I did was run across the street?!?!?)
Train driver: *blows horn*
Gordon: Oh damn, the tracks are right by the road

And that is the end.

Season 2 will arrive after The Nightmare Before Christmas is finished