January 4, 2014,

I have been a complete emotional wreck ever since I found out that Damien wants to fight me for custody of Carter. Part of me wants to believe that it's because he's a changed person and wants to be a father to Carter; but I know in my heart that that isn't the truth! Never in 1 million years did I think Damien would do something like this!

I had spent all morning in my bedroom and had not come downstairs in days! Kyle came upstairs and sat down next to me on the bed. He asked "are you okay? I've never seen you cry so much before!" I said "I won't be okay until this whole Damien thing is over with! Carter's five years old and still thinks that you're his father! I was hoping it would stay that way for a long time! I don't want him to face the reality of who his father really is! Damien isn't the kind of father that Carter can be proud of! Damien is an alcoholic player who takes advantage of any girl that he sees and he is living in some chick's basement! I don't want Carter exposed to all of that; especially because he understands so much more now than he did before!" Kyle said "I hate that we even have to deal with this right now! If Damien really wanted to spend time with Carter he should have started five years ago when he was born!" I said "this just sucks and that's all that there is to it!" Kyle said "I do know one thing though; you need to get out of this room because you're depressing yourself even more by being alone and crying! Carter's been asking me why you haven't seen him in a few days! I told him that you didn't feel good and that you would come down eventually! I promise you that if you go downstairs you will feel better!" I wiped tears off of my eyes and kissed Kyle. I said "I suppose I should go down there."

Kyle and I walked downstairs and into the living room. Carter turned around and jumped up from the spot where he was sitting on the floor as soon as he saw me. He ran up to me and gave me a huge hug. I knelt down in front of him and he looked at how red my eyes were from the nonstop crying I had been doing. He asked "are you okay mommy? Were you crying?" I said "no; I wasn't crying." He asked "how come you weren't coming out of your room? How come daddy had to bring food up to you and make you eat?" I said "I was just busy working on stuff for my job buddy. I needed to be up there because it's quiet and I can think better. Daddy brought the food up to me because I didn't want to stop working at all; but I promise that I'm going to be down here during the day from now on." Carter said "you missed my first day of kindergarten! I was so sad; I thought you were at least going to be there when daddy picked me up!" I said "I know buddy; I'm sorry! I promise I'll drop you off all by myself tomorrow." Carter got all excited and said "I can't wait for you to meet my teacher and friends!" I said "I only missed one day of you going to school and I promise I won't miss any more!" He gave me a kiss and said "I'm so happy that you finally came out of your bedroom mommy! I missed you!"

January 5, 2014,

Carter sat in the living room watching TV and eating a bowl of cereal as I tried to wake up by drinking my usual Starbucks coffee that Kyle picked up for me like he does every morning. I put some hair gel in Carter's hair to spike his little fauxhawk and helped him tie his shoes. He ran over and gave Kyle a hug as he grabbed his SpongeBob backpack.

I drove him to school and helped him climb down the high step that is in my truck. Before I could stop him, Carter bolted inside the elementary school and I chased after him. He said "come on mommy; I want to show you my classroom!" I said "you have to hang on because I have to sign you in at the office so they know you're here." He grabbed my hand and we walked into the main office of the school. As we stood there waiting in line, I was not at all prepared for everything that was about to happen.

As we reached the counter I signed my signature on a paper that was attached to a clipboard and a mother standing next to me asked "are you Alanna Jackson?" I passed the clipboard back to the secretary and said "yeah." She immediately asked "will you sign my daughters iPod? She's a huge fan of yours!" I took the pen that was sitting on top of the clipboard and signed the rubber iPod case with my signature. She said "thank you so much AJ! My daughter is going to freak out when I give this to her when I picked her up later!" I said "no problem; I'm glad I could make her happy."

I grabbed Carter's hand again and we walked out into the hallway. He said as he pulled away "there's my classroom mommy!" I followed him inside the room that was covered with shapes all over the wall. He ran up to a woman who didn't look much older than I am and said "hi miss Lauren!" She bent down in front of him and said "hi Carter; I thought you weren't coming to school today!" He said "no; I was! Mommy just was running late this morning!" She said "okay; go put your backpack in your cubby and I'm going to start circle time in about 10 minutes."

I smiled as Carter ran up to a boy and sat down next to him. The teacher finally made eye contact with me and said "oh my gosh; I didn't realize that you are Carter's mother!" I said "yeah; I am. I thought my husband would've told you that." She said "he told me that your name is Alanna; but I guess I didn't make the connection between your first name and Carter's last name! I really had no idea it was you AJ!" I said "alright; Carter seems to be all set; so I'll pick him up here at the end of the day." She asked "if you want to you can stay and observe the class?" I said "oh no; I couldn't impose! I'll be back to pick him up at 3 o'clock."

As I walked out of the room, I noticed a sign on the door that said "parents not permitted to stay for more than five minutes after class has begun." I wrinkled my eyebrows and walked out of the room.

I arrived back at Neverland 15 minutes later and walked through the front door. I put my keys on the counter top and went into the living room. As I sat down on the couch, Kyle asked "how do you like Carter's school babe?" I said "Carter seems to love it and it looks like he's already starting to make friends with the other kids. Something weird happened with the teacher though." Kyle flipped through the TV channels and asked "what happened?" I said "as soon as the teacher figured out that I am a celebrity she started to act all weird! She even asked me if I wanted to stay for the day and watch her teach the class! When I was leaving the classroom I saw a sign on the door that said that the parents aren't allowed to stay in the classroom for more than five minutes after the teacher starts teaching!" Kyle said "that is weird for her to offer to let you do something that's against the rules." I said "I think she's giving me special treatment because I'm famous! What people don't understand is that I'm just a normal person like everyone else and I don't want Carter to be spoiled by the teacher just because I'm a celebrity!" Kyle said "now I understand why your dad wanted to homeschool you guys when he was alive because imagine how you would've been treated just because he is Michael Jackson! I said "I wonder if I made the wrong decision by letting Carter go to a normal school! Maybe I should just start homeschooling him instead." Kyle said "you can't take him out of school now! He loves it there!" I said "I guess you're right; I just hope all the teachers treat him just like a normal kid because that's what he is! He doesn't need more attention than the other kids get from the teacher just because I'm Alanna Jackson!"

January 9, 2014,

I was in the studio working on my new album by myself without Frank there because he was busy for the day and I was able to get a lot of work done without him critiquing everything that I sang. I stopped after about four hours of nonstop recording to have the sandwich that I had picked up earlier this morning.

As I sat down to start eating I noticed a rundown car pulled up in front of the recording studio. As soon as the person got out of the car I recognized who it was. Damien walked up to the door and knocked on it a few times. I was debating whether or not to answer it; but eventually I reluctantly opened the door. He asked "what's up AJ?" I asked "who the hell told you that I was at the recording studio?" He said "I called your manager and he told me because he recognized my name when I told him who I was." I said "I really don't have anything to say to you!" He said "I decided to come here a few weeks early; so I wouldn't have to worry about missing the court date. I can't wait to see Carter! How is the little guy?" I said with irritation in my voice "he's not so little anymore!" Damien asked "isn't he like three years old now?" I rolled my eyes and said sarcastically "isn't that just great? You don't even know how old your son is!" He asked "how old is he?" I said "five!" He said "I can't wait until I get visitation with him. I miss him!"

I said "quit acting like you care! I know you don't care about him and you are just trying to squeeze as much money from me as you can! Don't think for a second that I'm going to take it easy on you when we're in the courthouse before that judge! I'm going to expose you for everything that you really are!" He said "good luck with that AJ! The judge always feels bad when a son doesn't have a father in his life!" I said arrogantly "Carter does have a father in his life and he is a whole hell of a lot better father than you would ever be!" He said "I don't really like the fact that you have your boyfriend around our son without my permission!" I said "he's not my boyfriend; he is my husband and how do you expect me to ask your permission if you're never around? You're such a jerk and I can already tell that you haven't grown up at all since the last time I saw you!" He said "okay; I'm going to leave because I want to save all the good fighting for when I kick your ass in court!" I said "we'll see about that when the day comes!"

Immediately after Damien left the recording studio, I got in my truck and drove back to the ranch. I went inside and upstairs to the bedroom. I sat down on the bed next to Kyle and he asked "how did work go today?" I raised my eyebrows and said with a smirk on my face "you'll never guess who I saw today!" He asked "who?" I said "Damien!" He said "Damien; what is he doing here in California so soon? The court date isn't for three more weeks!" I said "I know; he said that he was coming out here ahead of time to make sure that he didn't miss the court date!" Kyle laughed and asked "how hard is it for Damien to make sure he’s here in time for court?" I said "I imagine it will be pretty damn hard for him because I can guarantee you he is going to get hammered drunk the night before the court date and have a hangover when and if he decides to show up!" Kyle said" he seems like a real jerk!" I said as I laughed "he was acting all cocky and started complaining about how I should have asked him for his permission before I let you around Carter!"

Kyle and I both looked at each other and burst out laughing. Kyle said "that's the most ridiculous load of crap I have ever heard in my life! The guy who drinks all day long and has a different girlfriend every two weeks is going to complain about me being around his son!" I said "trust me babe; I was thinking the same thing! I should probably warn you ahead of time that Damien is probably going to make fun of your British accent just to get a reaction out of you! He doesn't have a lot to go on to plead his case to the judge; so he'll take whatever he can get that's going to make him look better than us!" Kyle said "don't worry AJ; he doesn't scare me!"

February 19, 2014,

Kyle and I pulled up in front of the Santa Barbara County Courthouse dressed in business suits and I took a deep breath. Kyle put his hand on my shoulder and said "everything is going to be fine babe!" We got out of the truck and walked up to my lawyer Kenny. I held Kyle's hand as we walked inside and saw Damien sitting on a bench outside the courtroom wearing a casual T-shirt and baggy jeans with his underwear showing. I shook my head in disbelief and Kyle was thinking the exact same thing as me.

Damien's court appointed lawyer talked with Kenny for about 10 minutes before we were allowed to enter the courtroom. Kyle sat down next to me at the table opposite of Damien's table and our lawyer opened his briefcase. My hands started sweating vigorously as I held onto Kyle's hand and he whispered "everything's going to be okay babe." Kyle's eyes met with Damien's as they saw each other for the first time. Damien snarled his upper lip at Kyle and Kyle just looked away as he shook his head in disbelief.

A male judge sat down behind the podium and hit his gavel on it. The bailiff read aloud "judge Marion Jones presiding over the case of Damien Adam Hayes versus Alanna Michael Jackson in a custody hearing for the child hereby stated as Carter Shawn Jackson. You may proceed." Judge Marion said "okay; I would like to begin with an opening statement and/or questions by Mr. Hayes's lawyer for any parties involved. Damien's lawyer said "thank you Your Honor."

He walked over to our table and asked "have you been supportive in creating a healthy father-son relationship between Carter and Damien?" I looked at my lawyer to make sure it was okay to answer and said "all I can do is try and I tried for a long time!" He asked "what sort of things did you try in terms of supporting that relationship between the two of them?" I said "the one time he did show up I tried to get him involved in caring for our son." The lawyer asked "and how did that experience go? Please try to answer without criticizing Damien's character." I looked at my lawyer confused and he said "your honor that question is impossible to answer due to the fact that the child's father was never interested in bonding with his son in any way." Damien's lawyer asked "okay then; what is your current relationship like with Damien at this very moment?" I said" I've only seen him a total of three times since Carter has been born." He said "I understand that you and Damien had several sexual encounters after the time of the child's birth; is this true?" I sarcastically smiled as I shook my head in disbelief and said "that is a complete and utter lie!" Damien's lawyer asked "so what you're telling me is that you and Damien never had relations after the child's conception?" I quickly glanced over at Damien and said "we did once; the day after Carter's first birthday." The judge said "these questions are completely irrelevant to the matter of custody; move on Sir!"

Damien's lawyer asked "is it true that you yourself have a past filled with underage drinking?" I reluctantly said "yes sir." He asked "when was the last time you consumed any alcohol?" I had to think about it for a minute because it was so long ago and said "if I'm remembering correctly the summer of 2008." He asked "have you had any altercations with the police since the child has been alive?" I said "I don't know what you consider an altercation with the police; but I do get the occasional speeding ticket." He asked "have you been charged with these speeding tickets while Carter is in the vehicle?" I said "I would never go over the speed limit with Carter in the car Sir!" He asked "is it true that you have since gotten married?" I said "yes sir." Damien's lawyer looked over at Kyle and asked "do you feel that you and Alanna have created a healthy environment for her son to be growing up in?" Kyle said "yes sir." He asked "do you feel like you and Alanna model a healthy relationship between the two of you in front of Carter?" Kyle said "very healthy Sir!" Damien's lawyer said "that's all the questions I have for them Your Honor; you may continue."

My lawyer began to interrogate Damien starting with asking "is it true that you abandoned Alanna and your unborn child without even giving any notice?" Damien responded "yeah; but I had my reasons for doing that!" My lawyer asked "what would be your reasoning for that? How do you justify leaving a 14-year-old girl who just found out she was pregnant to fend for herself?" Damien said arrogantly "she wasn't completely on her own! She had Michael there for help and my mother would visit from time to time!" The lawyer asked "is it true that you had problems with underage drinking as well?" Damien said "I have in the past; but I attend Alcoholics Anonymous on a weekly basis currently."

I looked over at Kyle and whispered "oh that is such bull crap!" Kyle whispered back "let him say whatever he wants to say because in the end he is only making it harder on himself!" My lawyer asked "how come you have not paid a single penny for any of Carter's necessities since he has been alive?" Damien responded "AJ makes millions of dollars; so I didn't think it really mattered!" The lawyer responded "just because she makes millions of dollars doesn't mean that you shouldn't be held accountable for your responsibilities to your son!" Damien said "yeah well; I don't agree with the fact that AJ's boyfriend or husband or whatever the hell he is to her is allowed to be around Carter without my consent!"

I raised my hand and the judge allowed me to see what I was going to say. I said "I apologize your honor; but Damien doesn't deserve the right to have his opinion heard! I'm not trying to glorify Kyle because he is imperfect just like everyone else on this earth; but he does everything that Damien should be or should have been doing this entire time! He watches him all day long for me while I'm at work! He picks Carter up and drops him off at school most days because I am unable to due to my work schedule! Kyle pretty much single-handedly taught Carter how to use the toilet; including waking up at night with him! Damien; if you want to criticize someone's parenting go ahead and pick on me instead of Kyle because he's willing to do everything and anything for Carter and I wish I could say the same thing for you; but I can't!"

The judge said "here's what I'm going to do, we're going to do a trial weekend with Carter and Damien together! In order for that to happen, Damien needs to be held accountable for paying some sort of child support! If after the weekend is over and Damien still has not paid any sort of child support then he will be forced to serve four months in jail and all his parental rights will be terminated; am I understood Mr. Hayes?" Damien shook his head in agreement and Judge Marion said "courts adjourned!"

As we were walking out of the courthouse and over to the truck, we noticed that Damien's car was parked right next to us. I opened up the truck door as Damien walked to his car and said "I'm one step closer to 50-50 custody AJ; which means you'll have to pay me child support just like I'll have to pay you!" Kyle said under his breath "just shut up!" Damien said as he puffed out his chest trying to act tough "what did you say you British butt kisser?" I looked at Kyle as I gently pushed him into the truck and said "don't listen to him babe! He's just doing that to get a reaction out of you!"

I hurried to start the truck and I stuck my middle finger out the window at Damien as we drove off. As we started our half-hour journey back to Neverland where Prince was babysitting Carter for us I started to tear up. Kyle asked "why do you look like you're about to cry babe?" I said "I just realized that Damien's going to have Carter all by himself for an entire weekend! In a way; Damien is getting what he wanted this entire time!" Kyle said "I highly doubt that after this first visit with Carter that we'll have to worry about Damien anymore!" I said as I grabbed Kyle’s hand "it made me so mad when Damien wanted to complain about you being around Carter! I couldn't hold my tongue any longer! I just had to say something! If it wasn't for you; I wouldn't have millions and millions of dollars for Damien to try to squeeze out of me! Don't get me wrong; I love Carter to death! I just don’t understand why I had to lose my virginity to such an immature deadbeat dad! Sometimes I just wish that I would've gotten pregnant with your baby and have Carter be yours because I know you wouldn't leave me! I mean; any guy who wants to deal with all this drama every day for the rest of his life all for a kid that isn't even his must have some real balls!" Kyle chuckled and said "it's so worth it because every day I get to hear Carter say 'daddy; I love you! Daddy; am I your good boy! Daddy; will you fix my toy for me? Daddy; I want to be just like you when I grow up and be the best daddy in the whole wide world!" I started crying even harder and asked "Carter really says all that stuff to you?" Kyle said "oh yeah; when he was a little over three he used to follow me around wearing his fake tool belt and tried to copy what I was fixing!" I grabbed Kyle's hand and said "I know that Damien's going to screw up this one weekend taking care of Carter on his own; so I can't wait until he is out of our lives for good!" Kyle laughed and I asked "what's so funny?" Kyle said "I kind of wish that Damien didn't wait until Carter was five to do this whole weekend alone taking care of him because it would've been funny to send him with Carter when he was a baby! We would've had some really funny stuff to laugh at imagining Damien waking up every 15 minutes like you had to! Damien's going to have a pretty easy weekend with Carter because all he has to do is sit him in front of the TV that entire time!"

February 22, 2014,

Kyle whispered in my ear as I stared at Carter watching TV "Damien's going to be here in a half hour to pick up Carter for the weekend! You still haven't told Carter that I'm not his father and that his real father is going to be picking him up any minute! You have to tell him AJ!" I said "I know I do Kyle; but this is going to be hard for me! That's why I waited so long!"

I walked into the living room and said "Carter; I need to talk to you about something buddy!" He asked "what's wrong mommy?" I said "you know that daddy loves you very much; but he's not your real daddy." Carter asked "what do you mean he is not my real daddy?" I couldn't even respond to him as I stared blankly into his eyes. Kyle said "mommy had another boyfriend before she met me and he's your daddy Carter." I said "he's coming to pick you up in a few minutes and you're going to spend the weekend with him." Carter said as a car pulled up in front of the gate "you're going with me; aren't you mommy?" I said "I'm not Carter."

Kyle opened the door as Carter jumped into my arms and grabbed onto me with a death grip. I hugged him and carried him outside to the driveway with Kyle walking behind me. I slowly walked up to Damien who was sitting in his car with a police officer standing next to him outside the car. Carter cried hysterically into my shoulder and Damien got out of the car. I said as I continuously patted Carter's back "did you really need to have the police officer here Damien?" Damien said as he mocked to me "I wanted to make sure that you went through with giving him to me because this is court ordered and if you didn't let me take him from you it would be against the law!"

I said "okay Carter; Damien's going to take you for the weekend now." Carter protested at the top of his lungs "NO; MOMMY I DON'T WANT TO GO!!! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME!!!” I said as I started to tear up while desperately trying to hold it together so Carter wasn't scared more than he already was "I have to!!!" The police officer said "you need to hurry up Mrs. Jackson because I have places that I need to be!"

As I tried passing Carter from my arms to Damien's, Kyle reluctantly had to pry Carter's fingers from around my neck and Damien buckled him into the car seat. Carter screamed "PLEASE SAVE ME DADDY!!!" Damien looked Carter in his eyes and said sternly "stop calling him that! He's not your daddy; I am!" I could see the look of pure terror in Carter's eyes as he immediately said "I'm sorry." Kyle said as he leaned into the car window "I swear to God if anything happens to him; your ass is mine!!!" Damien just rolled up to his window and followed behind the police officer in the cop car.

I immediately fell to my knees and started crying hysterically. Kyle grabbed onto me and started crying into my shoulder. I said in between sobs "I can't do this every weekend! There's just no way!!! Carter wanted me to go with him and I can't believe that he is going to be alone with Damien without any supervision for an entire weekend! CARTER DOESN'T EVEN KNOW DAMIEN!!!" I tried desperately to stand up; but my nerves wouldn't let me. Kyle literally had to carry me inside because if he didn't I would've been out there crying all night long on the driveway!

Kyle sat down on the couch as I sat on his lap and cried into my hands. Kyle said with tears in his eyes "he wanted me to rescue him and I have to admit that if the police officer wasn't standing right there I would have!" Kyle moved the back of my shirt down and said "there are marks on your back from Carter digging his fingernails into your skin!!!" I said "that doesn't surprise me! He was holding on to me for dear life!!!" Kyle said as he wiped the tears that were streaming down his face "this is going to be the longest weekend ever babe!!!" I said "I want Carter to come back now!" Kyle said "I do too!"

February 24, 2014,

I said out loud "Damien better hurry up and get here because I've been waiting all weekend to see my son!" Kyle held my hand as Damien pulled up in front of the house. I ran up to the car and without saying a word to Damien, I took Carter out of the car. Damien looked at Carter and smiled before getting a serious expression on his face. He stared at Carter and sternly said "don't forget what I said!" With that, Damien sped off down the road and I ran towards Kyle with the biggest smile on my face. Kyle said as we walked inside the house "mommy and me missed you so much Carter!" I kissed Carter's cheek and asked "did you have fun?" Carter looked at me as his body physically shook in my arms. I asked with a confused look on my face "what's wrong Carter?"

Before I could get an answer from him, I felt something warm running down my leg and wrinkled my eyebrows. Kyle said "ummm look babe!!!" I looked down at the ground to see that I was standing in a yellow puddle. Carter immediately burst out crying and said "I'M SO SORRY MOMMY!!!" I said sympathetically "it's alright Carter! I'm not mad at you! We'll just change your clothes because you need to take a bath anyway!!!"

The three of us went up to Kyle and I’s bedroom. Kyle started the water in the bathtub in our bedroom's bathroom and I quickly took off my baggy jeans. I changed into a pair of pajama pants. Kyle said "okay Carter; you're all set! Mommy and I will come back in a few minutes to wash your hair."

As Kyle walked into the bedroom I watched as Carter walked into the bathroom shaking with his pants completely soaked and shut the door. Kyle sat down next to me on the edge of the bed and said "that was surprising!" I said "yeah; I know! Carter hasn't peed in his pants since he was three!!!" Even if he did have an accident; he would've never gone all over me!" Kyle said "I wonder why he keeps shaking so badly!"

I opened the bathroom door and walked inside with Kyle behind me. Carter continued to shake as I knelt down in front of the tub to wash his hair. The second I touched Carter's head he flinched and I asked "what's wrong sweetheart? Why are you shaking like that Carter?" He said something that completely confused me "you can hit me if you want to mommy! I shouldn't have had an accident!" I said "no; I'm not going to hit you! Where would you come up with such a crazy idea like that from Carter? I've never ever hit you before and I never ever would hit you; ever!!!!!!!!" I heard Kyle whisper "that son of a bitch; I'm going to fucking kick his ass!!!"

I looked at Kyle with a puzzled expression on my face and asked "what the heck are you talking about and why haven't you blinked your eyes in the last five minutes? What are you staring at Kyle?" Kyle had rage in his eyes like you wouldn't believe as he pointed at Carter's back. I leaned backwards and couldn't believe my eyes as I saw an almost a perfect outline of a hand print in red on Carter's back!!! I asked severely concerned "Carter; did Damien hit you?" Carter uncontrollably shook and stuttered as he said "I – I – I'm not supposed to say anything!!!" I said "I'm going to kill Damien!!!"

After Carter got dressed he said "I think Damien still has my bag of clothes with him in his car mommy!" I said calmly as I pulled the covers back on his bed "that's okay; we'll get them!" He climbed into bed and I covered him up before lying down next to him. Kyle came in and knelt down on the side of the bed. I asked "Carter; why did Damien hit you?" Carter said "I told you that I can't say anything!" I asked "why not?" He responded "because Damien said if I ever told anyone that he would kill both you and daddy when you're sleeping!!!!!" I said "he won't kill us Carter; I promise!!!" Kyle said as he held onto Kyle's hand "I won't let that happen Carter; but you need to tell us why Damien hit you!" Carter said "he was acting really weird because he was drinking this drink and he tripped over me because I was playing with my race cars on the floor! He was yelling bad words at me and then hit me because I wasn't moving out of the way fast enough!"

My heart broke into 1 million pieces as I tried to imagine how terrified Carter must've been! I shook my head in disgust and kissed the top of Carter's head. I asked "can I ask you something Carter?" He said "yeah mommy." I asked "did you wet your pants because you thought daddy and I would hit you?" Carter said "mostly that's why; but Damien didn't let me go to the bathroom before we left the hotel to come back here and by the time we got into the house I couldn't hold it anymore! I really am sorry mommy!" I said "you don't have to be sorry Carter! It wasn't your fault! When you have to go you have too! Kyle said as he stroked Carter's fingers "yeah; it's no big deal buddy! I actually thought it was pretty funny that you peed all over mommy!" Carter started cracking up and Kyle said "we want you to know that neither mommy nor I would ever hurt you like Damien did!" I said "I promise you that we will NEVER hit you Carter; no matter what you do!!!"

We could hear the noise of the doorbell ringing from downstairs and I turned the volume up on Carter's TV to muffle any noise just in case it was Damien downstairs! I shut Carter's bedroom door as Kyle bolted down the steps after looking out the window. I chased after him after seeing that Damien was the one ringing the doorbell.

I ran past Kyle and swung open the door. Damien was about to pass me Carter's backpack full of clothes when I pulled him inside and pushed him to the ground. Damien asked arrogantly "what the fuck is your problem?" I said "don't act like you don't know!" Damien whispered "oh; that little snitch! He wasn't supposed to say anything!" I said "HE'S FREAKING FIVE YEARS OLD DAMIEN!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" He said "what's wrong with me? What about what's wrong with you AJ? You're the one overreacting and being a bitch for no reason!" Kyle shouted at the top of his lungs "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST CALL HER?" Damien said arrogantly as he smiled "you heard me right! AJ is just some bitch that I screwed around with once and that's all she'll ever be to me!" I said as I threw my hands up in the air "oh my God Damien! I'm the mother of your son and all you can call me is a bitch!" Kyle said "CALL HER THAT AGAIN AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!" Damien asked "why? What are you going to do about it?"

I gave Kyle a look of carelessness as I said "go right ahead babe; I'm not going to stop you!" Before Damien even had time to react, Kyle decked him in the side of his face so hard that when he fell his head went right through the drywall. I laughed harder than I had ever laughed before as Damien looked up at Kyle as if he was a scared puppy dog! Kyle asked as he looked down at Damien "would you like some more because there's plenty more where that came from?" Damien rapidly shook his head in disapproval and Kyle said "I'm giving you until the count of three to get the hell out of this house before I change my mind; one, two –!"

I fell to the ground in hysterical laughter as Damien stumbled out of the house and down the street holding his head. Kyle shut the door and said "I don't think we'll have to worry about him for a long time babe!" Kyle helped me off the ground and I said while still trying to catch my breath "you freaking scared the crap out of him Kyle! That was the most hilarious thing I have ever seen in my life! The look on his face was priceless! I wish I had my camera with me!" Kyle said "he obviously doesn't have any respect for women if he talks to them like that! I wasn't about to let him stand here and call you a bitch over and over again! He doesn't treat you like he should because you are the mother of his son! Now that that's over with, let's go upstairs and watch TV with OUR son!"

February 25, 2014,

Carter has been stuck to me like glue since Damien dropped him off yesterday. He doesn't want to be alone no matter what. We were eating dinner and Carter didn't seem like his usual self. He has hardly touched his food and he asked "is Damien going to come pick me up this coming weekend mommy?" I said "he's supposed to." Carter said with a worried expression on his face "I don't want to go with him again!" I said "don't worry Carter; I'm not going to let him take you!" Carter asked "isn't it against the law for you to keep me from going with Damien? Won't you get in trouble?" I said "I don't care if I get in trouble Carter! I'm not going to risk you going over there unsupervised and being hit again! I don't think Damien is going to show up; but if he does then I'm going with you Carter!"

Kyle said "I highly doubt that he will actually show up after what I did to him yesterday!" I said "I think it's ridiculous that he even wants to have Carter on the weekends because you and I both know that Damien isn't spending time with him! It's really a waste of my time with Carter because I don't get to spend a lot of time with him either!”

March 2, 2014,

Carter was waiting for Damien to pick him up for the weekend and I had my bags packed because I had fully planned to go with them for safety reasons. An hour and a half past and Damien still hadn't arrived and we figured that he wasn't going to show up because of the huge fight that happened last weekend.

I was upstairs in the bedroom watching TV with Kyle went I noticed Damien quickly drive up to the mailbox outside the gate and drop something inside. He sped off without even getting out of his car and I said "I wonder what he dropped in the mailbox Kyle." Kyle responded "I'll go check; be right back." I watched out the window as Kyle went down and outside to the mailbox.

After grabbing the small white envelope, he made his way back up to our bedroom and passed me what he had retrieved. I was really reluctant to open the envelope because it's usually something bad inside. I pulled out what appeared to be a letter written in Damien's terrible handwriting. I read aloud so Kyle could hear "I obviously can't handle you and how bitchy you are AJ! I don't know what you want from me! One minute you want me to be there for Carter and the next minute you don't! I'm done with you and your games and have decided to be very selfless! I went to the courthouse and signed a document that terminated all of my parental rights to Carter as his father. I hope you're happy and I want you to know that every kid deserves to be smacked around every once in a while! I don't feel bad about hitting Carter at all and I never will! At least, now you know where I stand! The only thing I want from you now is to keep in contact with my mother because she would be totally devastated if you cut Carter out of her life! I don't love him; but she does and it wouldn't be fair to her! I hope you have a good life with that meathead husband of yours! PS, it was always about the money! I told you that I didn't care about Carter from the very beginning! Say whatever you want about me because I obviously don't care what you think about my ability to be a good father! I never wanted to be a father and according to the legal termination of my parental rights I'm not a father!"

I said "well; I guess we don't have to worry about Damien anymore!" Kyle said "he is such an idiot; I mean seriously? He is still trying to justify why he hit Carter! At least he admitted that all he was trying to do was get money from you and that he never intended to have a good relationship with Carter!"

March 21, 2014,

Frank leaned over my shoulder as we went on to iTunes.com to see the results of how my new album "footprints of my father" is selling. I smiled as I said "I'm number one on the iTunes top 10! I beat Bieber; even after all this time has gone by!" Frank high-fived me and said "I bet you already know what I'm thinking!" I said "I really don't want to go on tour right now! It was hard enough leaving Carter the first time! Now I'll have to leave Kyle and Carter here! Just when I thought everything was going to calm down; this happens! I still have plenty of money coming in from merchandise sales!" Frank said "yeah; but it's nowhere near as much as you earn when you're on tour! I'm telling you that you will make double the cash you made with your last tour! That was your debut album and people want more from you apparently! I think you should really consider it because you don't want to start losing fans! Alright; well I have to head out. I'll call you in a couple of days to hear what you decided to do! If I were you I would do it! It would be a really good financial investment for you and your family because you have to remember that you're not only doing this for yourself anymore! This is your job and your way of providing for your family! You're the only income; so it's all on your shoulders! It's up to you to make sure that Kyle, Carter, and you are able to keep up the lifestyle you've become accustomed to! You think you're living the perfect life right now; but wait until $30,000 feels like nothing because you make so much money! I'm telling you that going on tour in the near future is one of the best decisions that you could possibly make! No pressure; just sleep on it kid and I'll give you a call in a few days!"

After Frank left, Kyle came downstairs and said "hey AJ!" I said" I need to talk to you about something." He said "that's good because I needed to talk to you about something too; you go first!" I said "Frank thinks it's a good idea that I go on tour again to bring in tons of cash. I kind of want to; but I really don't want to travel all over the world!" Kyle said "I think you should go on tour! It will be good for you because you've been on mommy duty for a little over three years! You kind of disappeared out of the public eye! I don't want people to forget who you are because I know how much you love being a musician! That's been your dream and I don't want you to give up on it! I don't care what it takes! I'll be here to watch Carter that entire time that you’re away on tour! Your happiness is the most important thing to me AJ! I just want you to go out there and find you again because I think you're starting to lose yourself as a person! It's okay that you need a break! You're losing your identity as a person! You do too much for everyone else and not enough for yourself! It's time to start taking care of you! I've got Carter handled; there's no reason to worry about him!" I asked "are you sure about this because if you are I'm going to call Frank right now and tell him to start booking concert dates?" Kyle said "yes AJ; don't worry about us!"

After calling Frank and telling him to start setting up plans for my next tour, I asked Kyle "what did you want to talk to me about?" He said "never mind babe." I said "no; just tell me! I want to know!" He said "since I can't get you pregnant naturally; I was thinking we could think about adopting a child." I thought about it for a few minutes before saying "that doesn't actually sound like that bad of an idea! I think Carter would like to have a little brother or sister. If you want to go ahead and start looking into the paperwork and stuff that goes along with adoption; you can. It'll give you something to do while Carter is at school and I'm away on tour." Kyle said "I heard that there's a lot of paperwork to fill out; so it could take up to eight months before adoption agencies can start matching us with available kids."

April 26, 2014

I ran frantically for my cell phone as it continuously rang playing my Jesse McCartney ring tone. I looked at the caller ID to see that it was Frank and answered the phone by saying "hello." He said "I just got off the phone with some tour promoters and they told me they want to start the tour on December 29 of this year! Starting in Los Angeles, all around the world and completely global this time! Dubai, Japan, China, Switzerland, just pretty much every significant country you can think of!" I said "December 29; that's only four days after Christmas! Don't you think that's asking too much of me to leave Kyle and Carter right after the holidays?" Frank said "I know it's going to be hard for you AJ; but just think of how much money you'll make and how extremely lavish your lifestyle will be with all that cash in your pocket! Sometimes in life, you have to do things that you don't want to do just because that's best for everyone around you! The promoters are dead set on December 29th being the first concert of your tour!" I said "fine; but only because I don't have any other choice!"

Without even saying goodbye to me, Frank hung up the phone and Kyle asked "what was he so excited about? I could hear him screaming from all the way over here!" I said "apparently, he just got done talking with the concert promoters and they want me on tour at the end of this year!" He said "that sounds awesome AJ! Why don't you seem excited?" I said "I don't know; I guess I just wasn't expecting Frank to move so quickly with getting the tour up and running!" Kyle asked "should we tell Carter that you are going to be going on tour again?" I said "we will; eventually! I just don't want to upset him right now because I have a feeling that he's not going to like being separated pretty much entirely from me for nine long months! He was only a baby last time I left; so I don't even think he remembers what it's like to not have me there! I sure as hell remember what it was like not being able to be with him every single day and I'm not looking forward to it at all!" Kyle said "it will be hard on all of us; but it's for the best and I promise that we'll Skype you all the time!" I said "that will definitely help; but it's not same as being able to hug you guys anytime I want to! I just hope that I'm not asking you to do too much while I'm away! It's going to be a lot for you to handle!" He said "don't worry about it AJ; it's not too much for me! Besides, I still have that life-size cardboard cutout of you in my closet just in case I get lonely!" I playfully slapped his arm as I said "shut up; you're obsessed with that cardboard cutout! I still think that thing is creepy and it better not be standing in the kitchen when I get back!"

October 31, 2014,

Carter said "trick-or-treat" as he stood in front of one of the million dollar houses in our neighborhood dressed as the orange ninja turtle. After getting his candy, I said "okay Carter; we're going to go home now. Daddy and I want to talk to you about something on the walk back to the house." I looked at Kyle with a depressed look on my face and he put his hand on my shoulder.

We walked down the street and I kicked pebbles with my feet as I looked down at the ground waiting for the right moment. I said "Carter; I'm going to be going on tour again." Carter got excited and said "I can't wait to go with you and daddy all over the world!" I sighed and said "you and daddy are going to stay here!" He asked "what do you mean mommy? You can't leave me here! I need to go with you because I'll miss you too much!" I said "I wish I could take you Carter; but I just can't!" He said "it's not going to be any fun here with just daddy!" Kyle joked "what am I chopped liver; compared to mommy?" Carter said "mommy's more fun than you are daddy." I laughed and said "he just dissed you Kyle!" Kyle joked "I see how it is Carter; mommy is the favorite! I'll have to remember that next time when you want me to help you tie your shoes!"

December 20, 2014,

I finished wrapping Carter's Christmas presents on the bed and Kyle came out of the bathroom wearing just his boxers. I looked over and crossed yet another day off of my calendar. I sighed and said "only eight more days left!" Kyle said "nine straight months with no sex! I said "I have a feeling that I'm not going to be in the mood after tonight because I'll be really depressed! You better make tonight count!" He turned on the radio and said "trust me; it will be worth it!"

As we lay there with our bodies pressed up against each other, "stay" by Rihanna came on the radio station. "I want you to stay, stay, I want you to stay" blared through the speakers as Kyle pulled away from our passionate make out session. He saw a single tear run down my face and asked "I'm not hurting you; am I?" I said "no; I'm fine!" He rolled off of me and said "no you're not; you're crying! If I'm hurting you then just tell me!" I said "you're not hurting me Kyle!" He asked "then why are you crying?" I said "BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE!" He asked while continuing what he had stopped "then why are you?" I said "I don't have a choice! I have to provide for you guys because I'm the only income! Besides, I can't let all my fans down! I love performing; but I just wish Frank didn't just throw all of this on my lap!" I already have enough pressure as it is; let alone with him criticizing everything I do! I don't want to talk about this anymore because it's going to get me out of the mood! There's nothing we can do about it; it is what it is! Now if you don't mind, can we just get back to the love because that's all either of us are going to be getting for nine months?"

Afterwards, I rolled over with my back to Kyle and my arms crossed as I slipped my clothes back on. Kyle said "I didn't mean to make you mad AJ!" I said "well; you succeeded!" He said "we still haven't had our first fight yet and I don't want to start now!" I said "then I suggest that you leave me alone!" He fastened the buttons on his shirt and said "fine; if that's what you want then I'll leave you alone just to avoid getting into a fight with you because I want this to be a fight free marriage. I love you AJ and I'm sorry." I said as I rolled back over facing towards him "I can't stay mad at you! The entire time I was facing the other direction I was smiling and trying not to laugh!"

December 29, 2014,

I stood there in my tour bus in front of Neverland and looked around. Kyle said "okay Carter; we have to get off the bus now." Carter wrapped his arms around my neck and wouldn't let go when I tried to put him down. He screamed "no mommy; I'M GOING WITH YOU!!!" I said "you can't Carter! It's not going to be as fun as you think it is being on tour! I'm working all the time and I wouldn't be able to spend time with you either way! I promise you that I'll get on Skype every day with you guys!" I tried to put him down again and he still refused to let go. I said "I could use a little help here Kyle!"

Kyle pried Carter away from me as he continued to scream at the top of his lungs. He cried as he protested "LET ME GO DADDY! I'M STAYING ON THIS BUS!" Kyle turned his face as Carter continuously flailed his arms all over the place trying to get out of his grip. Kyle said "I would hug you AJ; but as you can see my hands are pretty full at the moment. I whispered in his ear "that's okay; I'll see you at the concert and I can hug you there! Don't forget to drop off you know who at my grandmother's!" I kissed Carter who was still relentlessly trying to grab hold of me. As I pulled away he grabbed my hair and I said while laughing "OUCH; KYLE HURRY UP AND GET OUT OF HERE BECAUSE HE'S RIPPING THE HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD!"

As we made our way to the arena in the tour bus, Frank asked "are you okay kid? You look pale!" I wiped the sweat off of my forehead and said "yeah; I think it's just nerves! It's been over three years since I've performed on tour!" He said "you're just like your dad; once you get out on that stage all your nerves will disappear!" I said "yeah; you're probably right!"

A half hour before the concert starts, I sat backstage on the couch with my hand on my forehead. I looked in the mirror to see that I was pale as a ghost and drenched with sweat. Frank asked "are you sure you're feeling okay AJ?" I said "yeah; I'm fine! I'll get over whatever is going on! It's these stupid nerves getting –."

Before I could finish the sentence, I ran off to the bathroom and violently started throwing up. Frank knocked on the door and said "I've never seen you this nervous before! Everything is going to be just fine! Your fans love you and the dedicated fans will always be there; no matter what!" I stood up and walked out of the bathroom as I said "you're right Frank; I don't know what's gotten into me! I'm never usually this nervous! It must be because Kyle's going to be here watching me tonight."

There was a knock at the door and Frank said "speaking of Kyle; I think he's here!" Frank opened the door and Kyle immediately noticed my appearance. He put his hand on my forehead and said "you don't feel warm; but you look awful babe!" I laughed it off and said "thanks for the compliment!" He said "I'm serious AJ! You look terrible!" I gently pushed him out of the way and said "come on; you can sit on the edge of the stage where the backup dancers come in from! You'll be able to see better than anyone else that way! He said "I don't think you should go out there AJ!" I asked "would you just relax; I'm fine! My fans are waiting for me and once I get out there and started singing again my anxiety will go away!"

***30 seconds before the concert entrance***

I sat there in the stage toaster with my hands on my head trying not to think about how bad my stomach was turning. My head continuously pounded with the sound of the loud screaming. I was catapulted onto the stage and that's when I realized something was seriously wrong with me! The room just felt like it was spinning out of control and I fell to the ground with a bang that was heard loud and clear by the microphone I wore over my head. The last thing I remember was the thousands of fans letting out gasps as I saw Kyle run to my side.

***

I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was Kyle's face. I looked around the room and asked "where are we?" He said "in the hospital babe." I asked as I sat up at the edge of the bed "what happened?" He said "the doctors don't really know yet! They just ran some tests down to the lab! They said you could have collapsed from dehydration; but then I told them how much stress you have been putting on yourself lately! They are pretty sure that that's what caused you to pass out!"

A female doctor came into the room and shook my hand. She sat down in a chair and said "it seems like the stress you've been under is really affecting your health! That's more than likely what caused you to black out. If you don't mind, I'm going to ask you a few questions." I rubbed my eyes and said "go ahead." She asked "have you been sleeping okay?" I said "yeah; nothing out of the ordinary." She asked "what about eating?" I said "just my typical foods that I eat while preparing for my tour." She asked "how far along are you?" I said "with the tour; this is the very first concert." She said "no, no, not with the tour. How far along are you?" Kyle and I looked at each other in confusion and I said "I'm sorry; I don't quite understand what you're asking me." She asked "how far along is the baby?" Kyle and I asked in unison with completely confused looks on our faces "what baby?" She said "I'm sorry; I thought you knew that you're pregnant!" Kyle laughed and sarcastically said "yeah right doctor; stop messing with us! I can't get Alanna pregnant; I'm sterile!"

The doctor passed me a piece of paper and written on it was "pregnancy: positive." I whispered as Kyle continued to laugh because he thought she was joking "the 5% chance." Kyle asked "what did you say AJ; sorry I was laughing too hard to hear you?" I said "the 5% chance! IT'S THE 5% CHANCE THAT YOU COULD GET ME PREGNANT; that week before Christmas when I was crying and we almost got into a fight; IT WORKED!!!!" Kyle turned white as a ghost and stuttered as he said "wait – we had sex – but – how – it's not supposed to – oh my God!!!" His eyes rolled back in the back of his head and he fell to the ground with a thud.

When he came to, I looked down at him as I held his head and he said "I'M GOING TO BE A DAD!!! Is this for real? Is this really happening? ARE YOU REALLY PREGNANT AJ?" I nodded my head and said "yes; I really am pregnant! More importantly though, FRANK HAS TO POSTPONE THE TOUR until after the baby is born!"