I've discussed this subject once or twice, most notably link and then again over at link. But most notably, and most tragically to me, was when I had to deal with it link.
And that's when my heart breaks.
I have decided to write this article now because the topic has come up again over at the Glee spot, where a gay character on the show, Kurt, claimed that bisexuality was "a myth," and an excuse "that gay guys in high school use when they wanna hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change." It would be one thing if this had been shot down, and they guy he said it to, who at the time was questioning his sexuality, rightfully told him he was not being very fair. But inevitably, when he decides he really is completely gay, he almost gives in, as if "Kurt was right, there is no such thing as bisexuality."
When the creator of the show, Ryan Murphy, talked about it, he said it would be a "discussion," but there was no discussion. Murphy states, through Kurt on the show, that it does not exist and never provides an example of a healthy, legitimate bisexual man on the show. Even in women, Murphy shies away from it, though seems more accommodating. Santana, a character who has slept with nearly every boy in school, concludes she is actually a lesbian and in love with her best friend. While this can happen, not even Brittany, the object of Santana's affections, is described as bisexual, despite the fact that she seems interested in both men and women. In fact, unlike Kurt and Santana, who explicitly use "gay" and "lesbian" to define their sexualities, Brittany's is never defined, and when it eventually is (depending on who she ends up with), judging by trends in the show it will probably revealed she is either one or the other, like Santana.
This wouldn't bother me so much if Glee didn't tout itself as a progressive pioneer in promoting diversity and acceptance. (I'm now beginning to doubt it's that at all. I feel it's just been masquerading as a progressive show, and link agrees with me.) It also wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't tell gay and lesbian teens so loudly to be proud of who they are. Gay and lesbian teens should be proud of who they are, but you can't say that one moment and then turn around to the bisexual teens and tell them that they're just kidding themselves. Ryan Murphy himself has alluded to the idea that he himself doesn't believe in bisexuality, at least not male bisexuality, and he's also implied that link.
Ryan Murphy is not the only gay man who doesn't believe in bisexuals. Gung-ho gay activist and writer Dan Savage only speaks for three out of the four letters of LGBT. Watch as he link.
Savage has defended himself, saying that he's not "bi-phobic," and that he wishes there were more of them, but that he can't trust a sixteen-year-old boy who claims to be bisexual because, as he says, "I was, too, at your age." He talks about the strategy of coming out bisexual to your friends and family as a way to "let them down easy." As far as I'm concerned, this isn't a problem with bisexuality, it's a problem with society, and gays and lesbians choosing to use it as a shield, which illegitimizes the claims of actual bisexuals. In other words, bisexuals aren't the problem, Mr. Savage. You are.
Savage also presents the argument that many bisexuals settle down into opposite-sex marriages and "comfortably disappear into presumed heterosexuality" (link). He implies that bisexuals are cowards, taking the easy way out and taking advantage of their opposite-sex attractions to try and look heterosexual.
So here's my question to lesbians and gays: When you were growing up and struggling with your own sexuality, wouldn't you have given anything to be able to come off as straight?
Coming out as and dealing with bisexuality is completely different from coming out as and dealing with homosexuality. Not only do we have to come out to friends and family like everyone else, we also have to come out to our partners. I've told my girlfriends I'm bi and I've told my boyfriends, because I have to. Many bisexuals find this more unnerving than coming out to their friends, because they are worried their partner will feel insecure, like one gender isn't enough for them. It doesn't matter which gender the bisexual happens to be dating at the time - the risk is the same. But bisexuals find themselves, in general, more often than not in straight relationships not because they are faking their sexuality, but more because straight relationships are more convenient. You gays and lesbians should know how hard it is to meet decent, caring individuals that you are attracted to as well of the same sex. In today's society, straight relationships are easier to pursue.
Bisexuals aren't hiding who they are. I am currently in a "straight" relationship, but my boyfriend knows my past and my attractions. He loves it. We scope out girls together. He's totally into it. He realizes that just because I'm in a relationship with him doesn't mean I've all of a sudden stopped being attracted to women. My current relationships don't define my sexuality, my attractions do.
Dan Savage mentions that he just doesn't believe a teen when he comes out bisexual - even if that teen, ten years later, retains that sexual identity, because so many gays use it as a smoke screen. And why should he believe it? I'll tell you exactly why - because no one knows you better than yourself. How did you feel when you came out to a friend or family member, and they said they didn't believe you? Your sexuality is your issue, and yours alone. It's no one else's place to guess, assume, or claim to "know" based on your voice, your personality or your behavior what sexuality you are, least of all Dan Savage.
Lastly, as stated in link, "Bisexuals get hated on for being 'gay tourists', 'gay when its convenient', or 'just experimenting for titillation.' I’ve even heard the claim that 'bisexuals don’t really exist'... But all that seems inherently unfair, especially coming from an LGT community that just wants acceptance for their unique sexual identities."
Lesbians and gays criticizing or doubting bisexuality does more harm to the LGBT cause than any outside source. It's gay-on-bi hate and it's not fair. I don't know where it comes from. I can only assume personal experience and struggles with their own sexuality, and maybe some envy that bis can "disappear" into a heterosexual relationship if they found someone attractive enough. But remember that your experience is not everyone's experience. Just because you used bisexuality as a soft way to let people know you were actually gay doesn't mean other self-identified bisexual teens are. Just because you pretended to be bisexual to get guys doesn't mean other girls are. So please, those who believe these things about bisexual, stop being judgmental of your fellow sexual minorities. We don't deserve your hate any more than you deserve a homophobe's hate. We exist, we have relationships, and we love just as you do. Why, of all things, is this so difficult for some gays and lesbians to understand?
And that's when my heart breaks.
I have decided to write this article now because the topic has come up again over at the Glee spot, where a gay character on the show, Kurt, claimed that bisexuality was "a myth," and an excuse "that gay guys in high school use when they wanna hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change." It would be one thing if this had been shot down, and they guy he said it to, who at the time was questioning his sexuality, rightfully told him he was not being very fair. But inevitably, when he decides he really is completely gay, he almost gives in, as if "Kurt was right, there is no such thing as bisexuality."
When the creator of the show, Ryan Murphy, talked about it, he said it would be a "discussion," but there was no discussion. Murphy states, through Kurt on the show, that it does not exist and never provides an example of a healthy, legitimate bisexual man on the show. Even in women, Murphy shies away from it, though seems more accommodating. Santana, a character who has slept with nearly every boy in school, concludes she is actually a lesbian and in love with her best friend. While this can happen, not even Brittany, the object of Santana's affections, is described as bisexual, despite the fact that she seems interested in both men and women. In fact, unlike Kurt and Santana, who explicitly use "gay" and "lesbian" to define their sexualities, Brittany's is never defined, and when it eventually is (depending on who she ends up with), judging by trends in the show it will probably revealed she is either one or the other, like Santana.
This wouldn't bother me so much if Glee didn't tout itself as a progressive pioneer in promoting diversity and acceptance. (I'm now beginning to doubt it's that at all. I feel it's just been masquerading as a progressive show, and link agrees with me.) It also wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't tell gay and lesbian teens so loudly to be proud of who they are. Gay and lesbian teens should be proud of who they are, but you can't say that one moment and then turn around to the bisexual teens and tell them that they're just kidding themselves. Ryan Murphy himself has alluded to the idea that he himself doesn't believe in bisexuality, at least not male bisexuality, and he's also implied that link.
Ryan Murphy is not the only gay man who doesn't believe in bisexuals. Gung-ho gay activist and writer Dan Savage only speaks for three out of the four letters of LGBT. Watch as he link.
Savage has defended himself, saying that he's not "bi-phobic," and that he wishes there were more of them, but that he can't trust a sixteen-year-old boy who claims to be bisexual because, as he says, "I was, too, at your age." He talks about the strategy of coming out bisexual to your friends and family as a way to "let them down easy." As far as I'm concerned, this isn't a problem with bisexuality, it's a problem with society, and gays and lesbians choosing to use it as a shield, which illegitimizes the claims of actual bisexuals. In other words, bisexuals aren't the problem, Mr. Savage. You are.
Savage also presents the argument that many bisexuals settle down into opposite-sex marriages and "comfortably disappear into presumed heterosexuality" (link). He implies that bisexuals are cowards, taking the easy way out and taking advantage of their opposite-sex attractions to try and look heterosexual.
So here's my question to lesbians and gays: When you were growing up and struggling with your own sexuality, wouldn't you have given anything to be able to come off as straight?
Coming out as and dealing with bisexuality is completely different from coming out as and dealing with homosexuality. Not only do we have to come out to friends and family like everyone else, we also have to come out to our partners. I've told my girlfriends I'm bi and I've told my boyfriends, because I have to. Many bisexuals find this more unnerving than coming out to their friends, because they are worried their partner will feel insecure, like one gender isn't enough for them. It doesn't matter which gender the bisexual happens to be dating at the time - the risk is the same. But bisexuals find themselves, in general, more often than not in straight relationships not because they are faking their sexuality, but more because straight relationships are more convenient. You gays and lesbians should know how hard it is to meet decent, caring individuals that you are attracted to as well of the same sex. In today's society, straight relationships are easier to pursue.
Bisexuals aren't hiding who they are. I am currently in a "straight" relationship, but my boyfriend knows my past and my attractions. He loves it. We scope out girls together. He's totally into it. He realizes that just because I'm in a relationship with him doesn't mean I've all of a sudden stopped being attracted to women. My current relationships don't define my sexuality, my attractions do.
Dan Savage mentions that he just doesn't believe a teen when he comes out bisexual - even if that teen, ten years later, retains that sexual identity, because so many gays use it as a smoke screen. And why should he believe it? I'll tell you exactly why - because no one knows you better than yourself. How did you feel when you came out to a friend or family member, and they said they didn't believe you? Your sexuality is your issue, and yours alone. It's no one else's place to guess, assume, or claim to "know" based on your voice, your personality or your behavior what sexuality you are, least of all Dan Savage.
Lastly, as stated in link, "Bisexuals get hated on for being 'gay tourists', 'gay when its convenient', or 'just experimenting for titillation.' I’ve even heard the claim that 'bisexuals don’t really exist'... But all that seems inherently unfair, especially coming from an LGT community that just wants acceptance for their unique sexual identities."
Lesbians and gays criticizing or doubting bisexuality does more harm to the LGBT cause than any outside source. It's gay-on-bi hate and it's not fair. I don't know where it comes from. I can only assume personal experience and struggles with their own sexuality, and maybe some envy that bis can "disappear" into a heterosexual relationship if they found someone attractive enough. But remember that your experience is not everyone's experience. Just because you used bisexuality as a soft way to let people know you were actually gay doesn't mean other self-identified bisexual teens are. Just because you pretended to be bisexual to get guys doesn't mean other girls are. So please, those who believe these things about bisexual, stop being judgmental of your fellow sexual minorities. We don't deserve your hate any more than you deserve a homophobe's hate. We exist, we have relationships, and we love just as you do. Why, of all things, is this so difficult for some gays and lesbians to understand?
