Chapter Fourteen

*Brooke*

…Seven years ago…

I feel stiff and empty, my mind still trying to get around everything that has happened. I feel horrible, I feel like a failure, and right now I wish I could just stop feeling all together.

Haley watches me carefully, I stare at the window with my blank face as she sits by me stroking my hair and talking.

She sniffles and guilt starts to build up more, her sadness is too much that I can't even meet her eye. How can I when the one thing I don't feel is sad, a part of me is relieved which is why I feel so horrible.

I've never felt a worse mother than I do now, after years of fighting for my children I was relieved when the doctor confirmed my miscarriage. She had told me as gently as possible, explaining how I was not at fault that in most cases a spontaneous abortion is due to a chromosomal abnormality - simply the child wasn't meant to be. Not meant to be, that was for sure. I never wanted another baby, I had been hoping that the pregnancy was a mistake and the issue would just go away.

I guess I got what I wished for.

I feel like a fraud with all the sympathy everyone is giving me, Haley reassures me it isn't my fault and the sob that escapes is from guilt and shame not grief.

"Oh, Brooke" she wraps an arm around me; I wriggle out from under her.

"Please don't" I whisper, and I feel her move away.

In the distance I can hear the noises of the hospital and the sound of pounding feet, I know in my gut and my heart my husband is about to walk down the hall and into my room.

A few seconds later someone stops in the door, breathing rough and the energy in the room changes "Brooke" he says my name, "Pretty Girl, I am so sorry" he adds on and my eyes are shut even tighter by the time he slides onto the bed and wraps his arms around me pulling me into his body.

He talks to me but I don't listen so he eventually goes silent, a wait a few more minutes before talking "I want to go home" is all I say.

"Uh-" I feel him shift and I know he must be looking to Haley. Whatever she said or did Lucas is more sure when he addresses me again "okay, let's see about getting you home"

I just want out of this place; my patience with hospitals at the moment is being tested. I just want to go home.

…

Lucas is worried about me, he keeps looking at me with those brooding eyes and the sadness that stares at me through those beautiful blue eyes is eating away at me. He is upset but he doesn't want me to know so he puts on a brave face and instead looks after me, the first night I heard him crying in the bathroom, the second it was in his sleep, and by the third I am contemplating moving into the spare room.

He wants me to talk about it but I am afraid of telling him the truth, I am afraid of seeing the look on his face when he realises that the grief he is going through isn't what I am experiencing. So I remain silent and go on with my life.

Karen is around more to help me out, so when Lucas isn't here watching me she is, and as much as I appreciate the thought it really isn't necessary because I am not going to break and I don't need help looking after my children. If it wasn't for the distraction they give me I don't know how I would survive it, I can ignore the ache in my body and focus on getting Keith better, I can ignore the looks of sympathy and focus on the joy in Abby's innocent eyes, and I always have Sawyer here to help me, with the other children or just someone to talk to.

On the fourth night I come downstairs and hear Lucas talking to Karen in the kitchen, when I refused to talk about it he must have turned to his mother and I stand hidden in shadows listening to him get out his own guilt.

He blames himself.

Lucas wonders if the stress from everything caused me to lose our baby, it is so strange to hear him say that because I never really saw it as losing a baby, I was so detached from the life inside me that wasn't meant to be. Karen reassures Lucas that he couldn't have stopped it; we hadn't even known I was pregnant and these things happen. Lucas shoots back with how much we were fighting before it happened.

We haven't fought much since then, he treats me like fragile glass as if I could break at any moment. When the reason behind all the fights is brought up he just nods and agrees with me, no longer challenging my decision. I have been grateful though now I realise Lucas' agreement to Keith's treatment is not due to a change of mind but because he blames himself and the fights for the miscarriage.

When I turn away and go back to bed I curl up in a ball and more guilt is piled on top of the rest.

…

The next day I say with no uncertain terms that I am going out alone and I am picking Sawyer and Abby up from school, Lucas isn't home yet and Karen protest saying she can do it. I ask her instead to watch Keith and she reluctantly agrees, worried eyes following me as I leave the house.

I pick Abby up first and my little girl runs into my arms, "Momma!"

"Hey sweetie pie, what did you learn today?"

Our hands swinging together as we walk to the car Abby tells me every detail of her day at school, she starts pointing out all the different shapes around us and I smile proudly down at her.

I am a good mother, I might have doubted that I recent times but I have raised three happy, bright children who are loved and find joy even with all our family is going through. Smiling I tell myself again, I am a good mother.

The drive to Sawyer's school is quick and I park under the tree I usually do, it is a few minutes before I spot her blonde head walking from the school surrounded by friends. Grinning I beep the horn and she looks up, a smile appears on her face and Sawyer speaks to her friends for a second before leaving them to run to the car, "hey, what are you doing here?" Sawyer leans through the window.

"Picking you up or I am trying to"

"Momma's feeling better" Abby pipes in and Sawyer frowns at me, eyes so much like her fathers take in my appearance and she even squints. I roll my eyes, "I'm fine, really"

"You look kinda pale"

"What's new, come on, hop in and you can lecture me at home" and to emphasise my point I start the car, she bites her lip and looks back to her friends and hen her eyes meet mine again there's the slightest bit of hesitance, "actually – um – I was planning on walking home with Liz and Sharni"

"Oh, that's okay then"

Her eyes light up and her smile appears nervous "we're going to practice for the cheerleading tryouts"

"Momma was a cheerleader" Abby smiles in the back and then she adds on proudly "she was the bestest and most beautifulest cheerleader in the whole world"

"Yeah, so I've heard" Sawyer chuckles and lets go of her hold on the windowsill, stepping back she tugs her backpack on more over her shoulder and I can't help but be amazed at how big our little girl is getting, all skinny arms and legs.

"I am so proud of you"

She rolls her eyes and for a brief moment there's that flash of Peyton and I can't help but smile even more, the reluctant cheerleader, that's our girl.

"Right, anyway, I have to go, so see ya at home" and she starts to walk away.

"Sawyer, wait!" I call out and she turns back around, "I love you"

"I love you too, Mom" and then with a last wave she runs back to her friends.

Turning onto the road I talk to Abby and myself, "okay, girly, I could go a double scoop of chocolate ice cream".

…

Have you ever felt your whole mood shift in an instant, for no better reason than you take a step and suddenly the atmosphere changes, and you just know something is different?

I had happily helped Abby out of her car seat, walked hand in hand with her to the door and pushed it open, and the moment I stepped inside my body chilled.

As if I knew, just knew, I was about to face something I didn't want to.

"Honey, why don't you go play out the back for a while" I suggest to Abby, ushering her forward as I close the front door.

My daughter disappears in a run with a giggle, the sound almost reassuring me, then I continue walking through the house, "Karen?"

There is no answer.

Walking into the living room I spot Keith asleep on the couch, it's been nearly two months since we found out the cancer was back. Two months of trying to find a way to keep fighting it, a way to hold it back again. Lucas wants to keep to the old treatment and Edward agrees with him, it was Candice who suggested the new experimental treatment. It's a risk, one I am willing to take and one Lucas isn't.

The first thing I do is touch his cheek, then forehead, trying to gather some idea of his temperature.

"He's fine" Lucas whisper reaches my ear and I look up to find my husband standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, his eyes are staring at me as if trying to see something. I look down at our son and carefully start picking him up, even at eight he's small enough for me to carry comfortably.

Keith's head rolls onto my shoulder as I stand up straight with him in my arms, then suddenly Lucas is in front of me "you shouldn't be carrying him" and he tries to take Keith out of my arms.

"I'm fine"

"I wish you would stop saying that" he hisses out as I walk by him and start heading towards the stairs which will lead me to Keith's room.

Lucas follows.

Taking my time tucking Keith in I am reluctant to turn back to Lucas, eventually I have to.

Lifting my chin higher I say to him "I am not going to break" though my voice is quiet so not to wake Keith.

When I leave the room I shut the door and straight away Lucas reaches for my hand, "can we please talk about it, I know you don't want to but it has been four days and you keep telling me you're fine but I don't believe it, I can't believe it, we lost a baby, Brooke, we're allowed to not be fine" though his voice is soft his words ring loudly inside my mind.

For a moment I can't take my eyes away from his intense gaze, then he blinks and I flinch as I look down "there is nothing to say" I reply and try to walk away. Instead I end up leading Lucas to our room and his hand never leaves mine until we're standing in the familiar room.

Silently Lucas leads me to the bed and forces me to sit, then he kneels in front of me and takes both my hands, our eyes lock again and apprehension starts building inside me.

"We didn't plan it, I know the timings wrong and with everything else going on another responsibility is the last thing I thought we needed, but I know we would have loved our child if we had gotten a chance, I know how much it hurts to lose someone we didn't even know about until it was too late… whatever you're feeling, I feel it too-" and he stops and looks down at ours hands because I started to pull mine out of his.

I really don't want to hear about this.

He tightens his grip and continues, "We always wanted a big family, after Keith all we talked about was adopting children who needed families, and then after… everything and after Abby we put that dream aside. What I am trying to say is I forgot how much we wanted all that until the other day-"

That's when the tears start, as our past flashes before me, the time of joy before the word cancer ever entered our lives, the time when we had enough dreams to last the rest of our lives.

Lucas' words blur together until his last line reaches through the fog of my mind.

"- when ever you're ready, tomorrow, next year, after it all settles down, whenever, I want you to know that I will be ready too. It's not too late to try again"

"NO!" the sharp protest escapes from me and Lucas briefly looks shocked and his hold loosens giving me the opportunity to snatch my hands out from under his.

Whispering I add on painfully "the last thing I want is another baby, not now, not ever"

"I know losing the baby hurt-" he begins and I cut in standing up.

"You know nothing" I let out harshly and my movement forces Lucas to fall back, he quickly stands up but before he can say any more of his words I continue, my rage and guilt and everything else from the last two weeks comes to the surface "l was relieved Lucas, I was relieved when the pregnancy ended and a part of me hates myself for that but the other part of me… there's a part that is just thankful. I didn't want this baby-" for a moment I pause because I can't think of it as a baby "- from the moment I found out I was pregnant all I wanted was it to go away"

His look of hurt confusion vanishes in a blink, his face twists "you knew?"

My reckless train of thought ends, I am back in reality, shocked at what I had said, "wh-uh-um-"

"You said you knew you were pregnant, how long?"

He stands there waiting for my answer and out of all the things I said that was the last thing I expected him to react to, I had thought he would look at me as if I was a monster but he doesn't.

"How long?" he asks again.

"Two weeks"

Shoulders slump as he looks at me, "why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want it to be true"

"So you just said nothing" he screams, his face begins to go red "that was my child too, I had a right to know!"

"I would have told you" I shout back "I just didn't know how, I needed time"

"Time to what?-" his body vibrates with emotion and his voice hits me like a bullet "-to figure it all out without me, to conveniently get rid of the problem before I had to know"

I don't even realise I have lifted my hand until after I've slapped him and my stinging palm leaves his now red cheek.

My hand goes to my mouth as I gasp.

He clenches his jaw, not batting an eyelash "would you have?"

The answer comes out against my control, honest and raw "I don't know"

And then it comes, the look I had been dreading and he speaks in disbelieve "I don't know you" and turns away from me.

"Please Lucas, I feel bad enough as it is, don't you think I hate myself? I do but I can't change how I feel-" I try to turn him and finally he gives in and we're facing each other again "- I am drowning Luke, we're drowning. I have a company to run, we both have deadlines, and between that and Keith and the hospital, not to mention the girls, how – where does another baby fit?"

"We could have done it; together we would have found a way"

Together. I feel like laughing. "I couldn't, I am barely keeping my head above water as it is"

"Because you never let anyone help you!" he screams once again after my comment, his hands waving in the air, then he straightens and speaks more calmly but there is still that rage and sadness in his tone like he's reached his edge "wake up Brooke, you are not the only one going through this, we all are, I am. You act like you're alone in this-" he stops and takes a breath but then starts up again "- you don't even see it when you cut us out and then you treat me as if I am nothing, whether it's Keith or the pregnancy, I deserve a say too but you are always pushing me away"

"I don't mean to"

"Then why do it, why didn't you tell me when you found out about the baby, why won't you listen to me when it comes to Keith and why won't you ever talk to me about what you're feeling!"

I close my eyes. There is no answer that I can give, I have no idea why. I guess I always had to do everything for myself and now letting go of that independence is hard, if I rely on other people and they fall through… well, I learnt the hard way not to trust other people.

"You wear the weight of the world on your shoulders and I get that you have trouble trusting people but you don't have to do it all yourself, I'm here Brooke, I am here"

"I know" I say breaking down in tears, "I know that Lucas"

"I don't think you do"

My mouth opens and then it closes.

What do I say to my husband when he thinks I am pushing away when and I know its true, but he's wrong, I do know he's here and it is what gets me through the day. I need him, more than I let on, I just don't know how to show it.

No words come forth; I am speechless, frozen, as Lucas starts to walk towards our closet and pulls out the case he uses when he goes on trips. My mouth falls open again, "wh-what- where are you going?"

Lucas doesn't meet my eye as he starts to pack and my hands remain lifeless by my side as I fight the urge to rip the clothes out of his hands and through them back.

"Lucas" I say his name again, my voice begging for him not to do this.

Still not meeting my eye my husband replies, "I just need… I think it's best if we take some time apart to figure out what we want" and as he finishes he steps away from the closed case and finally looks at me.

"And what do you want Lucas?" an edge of bitterness in the question.

"I want everything you want the difference is that I want it with you" and he grabs the handle and starts to walk out our room.

"Yet you're leaving" I say quietly with my back turned to him, crossing my arms in an attempt to protect myself from what is about to happen but Lucas hears me, I feel him staring at me from the door.

"I know what I want Brooke but what about you? When you decide that you don't want to carry it all yourself come find me, until then yes I am leaving because all I see is you pushing me away"

My bottom lip disappears as I close my eyes again, and I say nothing and I do nothing as his footsteps start down the hall, nothing but feel the tears fall down my cheek.

It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

I wait and then I hear him stop, instead of going down the stairs a door is opened.

It takes me a few more seconds before I recognise what room Lucas has walked into and then I run out of mine and head straight to Sawyer's, grabbing the doorsill I push myself inside.

"What are you doing?" I ask loudly although I already know, he's not just leaving he is taking Sawyer with him. Lucas has already managed to pack a bag hastily, I take a step further into the room "you are not taking Sawyer, you want to leave fine but you are not taking my daughter with you"

Expressionless Lucas finishes packing and flings the full bag over his shoulder, "she's not your daughter"

"Like hell she isn't Luke and you know that, you can't just take her" I fling back at him but he pushes by me, I run around him and block the doorway.

"You want to know what I know? How about what it feels like not to have control over your children's lives, to be ignored and pushed aside, to feel like you don't matter, hell Brooke you spend so much time trying to save Keith you don't even realise you lost another child"

Please, Lucas, please. My eyes beg for him to stop.

"I spent all week grieving for our baby and the pain is unbearable, it eats away at me Brooke, I look at our children and I wonder what he would have looked like, I look at you and I picture your body full and round, and that's never going to happen. We lost a baby, a flesh and blood human being who was a part of us, do you get that?" his face tightens.

Though my mouth opens I don't say anything and he looks into my eyes and he knows, he knows that what he feels I don't, with a shake of the head Lucas moves me out of his way and walks back into the hallway.

And the sound I expected from before, Lucas' footsteps making their way down the stairs, begins, each step reverberating inside my head.

All we do is fight, this time apart will help us, I tell myself that, I tell myself I don't need him and I am fine on my own, and I can do it. I can.

Slowly I turn around and I follow him, anger building inside me. He is the one leaving me, how dare he try to make me feel like it is my fault as he walks away. Thank god I don't need him because if I did I would be pretty screwed now!

"If you walk out that door don't come back" I shout after him.

Lucas turns back to look at me, "is that your way of asking me to stay?"

I take the few last steps to the landing and it's on the tip of my tongue to say those words but I'm upset and angry and confused. There is something inside me physically stopping me from saying I don't want him to go, telling me to deny that I do in fact need him.

Instead I threaten him again "if you go and take Sawyer I will never forgive you"

"That's alright Brooke because at the moment I'm not sure that I can forgive you"

He's really going to go, I'm not sure I believed it until now.

In the silence the front door opens and Sawyer walks in giggling, she stops the moment she sees us and cautiously looks between us, "um, am I interrupting something – Dad why do you have my bag?" her eyes zoom in on her father.

Lucas continues to stare at me, his cold blue eyes not changing direction as he replies "we're going"

"Going where?" Sawyer's voice shakes, I break the stare off with Lucas and look at our daughter, "Mom what's going on?"

Placing the bags by the door Lucas is the one who answers, facing Sawyer her puts a hand on her shoulder "Brooke and I have been talking-"

"Fighting you mean" Sawyer cuts in and knocks Lucas' hand from her as she steps back.

Lucas continues as if Sawyer hadn't said anything "- and we think it'll be best if we spent some time apart"

"What! But… but… you stopped fighting, this week has been good" she looks to me for reassurance and I gulp in the sob that threatens to fall.

We had decided not to tell the kids about the miscarriage and now Lucas' behaviour the last week and the lack of the fights has given Sawyer the impression things had worked out for us and I hadn't even known she was so aware of the arguments.

"Mom?"

I'm too afraid to answer her.

"I'm going to go say goodbye to Abby" Lucas says and he shoots us a look which clearly states he thinks we should do the same, which he follows with a quiet "you should do the same"

As Lucas heads to the back I watch Sawyer's eyes move to the packed bags, they settle on the big one of hers and I see the comprehension hit her, "oh" the sound comes out in a long quiet sigh of shock.

"Well this sucks" she drawls after a moment but there are tears in her eyes when she looks up at me, "so are you gonna tell him not to go?"

"It's not that easy"

"Bull" and she kicks the closest thing to her which happens to be the front door.

When she looks up from the bags her eyes are wild, "well I'm not going-"

"Sawyer" I interrupt as much as it pains me too, her attention zooms in on me and I force myself to look slightly to her side because looking at her is breaking my heart, I see my daughter, I see my husband staring at me through her, and it hurts too much to know I am losing them and there is nothing I can do.

"I'M NOT"

"You have to" I whisper, "He's your father" I add on the reason why I am standing here by the stairs instead of running to her and pulling her to my chest refusing to let her go.

I can feel her eyes on me, scanning me, the seconds turn to minutes and then she counters back "but you're my mom"

My heart flips over inside my chest and I am forced to mask the emotion that is spinning crazily inside me, slipping a blank expression on my face I finally meet her eyes.

The natural words to deny it won't come to my lips, I may not have given birth to this beautiful girl but she is just as much my daughter as Abby and the love I have for her refuses to call her anything but. So I say nothing.

Her eyes are darting from side to side, she is trying to grasp onto something and then Lucas walks back in with Abby wrapped around his chest.

She is crying softly as Lucas kisses the top of her head and whispers unheard words to her, he steps closer and instinctively I reach for my youngest. Abby fights the separation and briefly catching Lucas' gaze I know its equally as hard for him but the moment he sees me looking at him he hardens his expression and lets go of Abby completely.

Like a switch has been turned Abby instead buries her crying face into my shoulder and wraps herself around me, I hold on tightly to the one certainty I have in life. The one thing that feels like it can't be taken from me.

"Say bye to daddy" I instruct her as Lucas picks up the luggage and moves closer to the front door, I follow slowly behind and at my word Lucas turns back.

"Daddy's going to miss you baby girl"

Abby digs herself deeper into me but mumbles a teary "bye Daddy"

Lucas and I don't look at each other, we don't say anything, I move my attention to Sawyer willing myself to be brave "I'm here, whenever you need me, 'kay?" and fighting the urge to embrace Sawyer I clutch Abby tighter to me.

With wet eyes Sawyer shakes her head "don't make me go" she begs quietly and looks from her father to me.

"Come on Sawyer" Lucas clenches his jaw and grabs Sawyer's shoulder gently, she looks up at him and the break in eye contact give me a chance to turn around and walk back towards the stairs. I quickly wipe the tears away because I won't let them see me cry, I won't let Lucas know what he is doing to me.

What I have done to him.

Faking a resolve I don't have I turn back, gripping a still hysterical Abby even tighter.

My face is blank as Lucas opens the door, it remains that way when he says clearly "I hope you figure out what you want" and I fight to keep it the same as he drags Sawyer out of the house.

I stand here and watch, unable to move, unable to speak and unable to take it all back.

And then the wind catches the door and rips it from Lucas' hand before he has the chance to close it, the heavy oak slams shut with a bang and I wince.

It is suddenly eerily quiet, and then my shoulders shake and everything I held in comes pouring out.

Abby pulls herself away from me and touches my damp cheek "don't cwy Momma" but the action just makes me cry even harder.

I look at her, I look at my daughter and I see traces of the people I love in her features, I see traces of myself mixed in with them, and for a moment I think of the baby I lost, and I wonder what he would have looked like.

The emptiness inside me grows, it engulfs me with the hard realisation of everything I have lost, until I can no longer stand sop I fall to the ground and cry for it all.

And as I sit in my much emptier house - with my empty body - small arms wrap comfortingly around me, patting my back as they hold onto me.

"Let's not cwy, Momma" is whispered between tears.