have you ever felt like this? y do u think they treat me like that?

so this guy josh i have liked on and off since 3rd grade and he always makes me laugh and holds me close but is so mean to me and hits me( not hard) and says he hates me then this other guy trevor i started liking on and off last year when he got held back but i didnt like him before and he is really nice and funny sometimes and other times he is the biggest jerk and i just wish i never met them because its like i can never get rid of those feelings but the same time even though they can both be mean sometimes they can always cheer me up. have u ever felt like this?