As I stand on the sidewalk thinking where to even start, I try and think of everything I know about Sam. It’s not much. I know that he has a younger brother. Yes, his name is Tyler and I know because he’s friends with my younger sister Jennifer. They’re in grade 1 together. I’ve even babysat them for god’s sake. I know that he’s a good student, smart, hardly gets into trouble, but he’s not really involved with anything like sports or clubs. I know that he lives with his uncle because his parents died in a car crash 2 years ago. I know that besides seeing each other in the halls and maybe a few conversations about classes, we don’t really know each other which really makes it hard to know where to look for him. I start walking towards the park, passing my sister’s school on the way. Her day hasn’t started yet. She’s still got morning recess. I can see her from where I stand, playing on the swings with Tyler. They laugh like they have absolutely no cares in the world. Right in that moment I’m jealous of them. I look just past them on the other side of the school yard and miraculously see Sam watching them play just as I am. Maybe he’s even feeling a little jealous now. I run along the fence surrounding the kids trying to get to him before he runs away again. I approach him delicately, not wanting him to freak out again. I’m about 4 feet behind him when I softly call his name, “Sam?” I see his shoulders rise and fall in a deep sigh before he turns around. His face is so sad. I really have no idea what to say to him because I don’t know what he’s going through. “Why’d you come after me? Why aren’t you in class?” “Seriously?” I say bewildered, “Do you think I could actually just let you leave after what I saw? You could hurt someone…or hurt yourself” he closes his eyes as I say that last part. “If I could ‘hurt someone’ what’s to stop me from hurting you?” “I’m not scared of you Sam. We may not know each other very well, but I know you’re not going to shoot me.” I say this a bit angrily because I can sense that he’s just trying to get me to leave him alone. “You don’t know what I’ll do” he says quietly. I take a step toward him, but he turns and starts walking down the sidewalk along a side street as casual as can be. I follow him. I keep a few paces behind him although I’m sure he knows he has company. He turns into a short drive and walks into a small house, leaving the door wide open. I hesitate at the doorway and experience a minor reality check. I’m following a boy with a gun. There’s really no telling what he’ll do with it. I should be in school right now. This is crazy. I decide to ignore reality right now and walk in and close the door behind me. The house is like the definition of simple: off white walls, mismatched furniture, a beat up old wooden kitchen table, an old TV and a few scattered toys on the floor, probably Tyler’s. Other than a few cobwebs in the corner and a glass left on the table, the place is clean and bright because of the open drapes. I walk farther into the house and find Sam leaning against the kitchen counter. He’s plopped his backpack by his feet. “So…” I start but don’t know how to finish. “This is your house?” dumb question. Obviously this is his house. “Ya, my uncles” he says not really to me, more to the floor. I’ve already practically invited myself in so I go ahead and sit in one of the 4 kitchen chairs. It creaks a little as I sit down. “Do you want to talk about something? Anything?” I ask. He lets out a long breathe and sits across from me at the table. “Do you really want to talk to me?” he asks. “Well, ya” I say “why don’t you tell me why you brought a gun to school?” I ask bluntly. “I know.” He says, his face in his hands. “I know I shouldn’t have brought it to school, I just thought if I was at school, it would stop me from using it. It’s so tempting to use it. But if I use it, it’s really over. The end. And I’m thinking now, you’re the only one who can stop me. So let’s talk about that.”

As I try to think of something, anything to say to him now, I recall the first time I saw Sam outside of school.

It was about a year ago. Tyler was at my house playing with Jen. It was late and they both needed to be put to bed. Their tiredness only resulted in them fighting. I eventually put them on time-outs until Tyler’s uncle showed up. Or I thought it would be his uncle. It turned out to be sam. I opened the door when he knocked and was a little thrown. I recognized him from school, but only as the quiet boy I’d never talked to. His hair was wet as if he’d just showered and he smelled of soap, fresh and clean. I smiled and introduced myself. He smiled back. It was a really beautiful thing. It lit up his eyes and I do believe I blushed slightly. Taking him in felt like drinking a warm hot chocolate or feeling the sun seep into your skin. As Tyler trudged to the door I watched Sam watch his brother. With such warmth. He called him bud, tousled his hair, and grabbed his back pack for him as they turned to walk back off my porch. Before Sam was too far away he turned and said “Thanks, Sarah. It was good to see you. Talk to you at school.” I waved good bye and closed my door and just listened to his voice play over and over in my head. Who knew he’d affect me like that?