Hello there! Welcome to a new series of mine where I take a good old gander at some classic games from my childhood. I'll say what I like, what I don't like, what you can do to beat the game, and how good the title is overall.

This is like a guide AND a review, so keep that in mind while reading. Hope you enjoy!

Also, since episode #1 of this series is one of the hardest goddamn games to exist on this side of the Earth, there will be profanity in this article.

Everywhere.

SO yeah, today's title is a Sega Genesis game by the name of Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine. Released on November 26, 1993 on the Sega Genesis in North America, this game takes place in presumably Mobius, but it's never exactly stated.

Although one interesting fact is that a lot of the robots in this game are from the first episode of the Adventures Of Sonic The Hedgehog cartoon, so there's an easter egg right off the bat.

In this game you also don't really control any character. You never see an image of who you're playing as, you never talk, you don't even get mentioned. The robots all just say "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" And decide to challenge you.

Although I could rant on how god-forsaken lame that is, it does give the player a little imagination, so I'll let it pass for now.

The story is that Robotnik has created an evil machine which turns innocent little bean creatures into WEAPONS OF GODDAMN MASS DESTRUCTION and it's up to you to play Robotnik's minions and Robotnik himself in a game of Poyo-Poyo Pop to save the beans.

Now, I'm going to say this now. This game is really just a Poyo-Poyo Pop clone, but one with great execution. Hell, I like this version more than the ACTUAL game, and you'll learn why soon.

If you're not familiar, Poyo-Poyo Pop (I DARE YOU to type that in fast.) Is a game that's played with two opponents, each controlling one of two grids. Beans fall from the top in groups of two, coming in various colors and one pair falling each "turn". The player must attempt to arrange the beans into groups of at least four beans all of the same color; should they do this, the beans in the group will disappear.

Players must also contend with clear, or 'refugee' beans which are deposited in the player's grid by their opponent removing larger chains of beans. If a player is able to cause a chain reaction by removing one set of beans, and hence causing another set to group and disappear, and so on, the resultant number of refugees deposited will be far higher. Think of it like the game Columns, only totally different in almost every way.

Also, if you ever see the big red refugee bean on the top of your screen, then you might want to consider planning your funeral.

Refugee beans cannot be removed by being arranged into groups of four; the only way to remove them is to remove normal beans adjacent to the refugee. A player can attempt to send refugees to their opponent in order to frustrate their attempts to remove beans. The player whose screen fills up with beans first loses.

And you get to brag in your friend's face for 40 hours.

The game has three main modes. Scenario Mode has the player going through thirteen levels facing against Robotnik's badniks before facing off against Robotnik himself. As the game is played, Robotnik's henchmen become increasingly skilled and beans begin to fall faster, making it more difficult to arrange them into desirable configurations.

Upon the completion of a level, the game gives the player a password enabling them to start from that point in the game next time they play.

It also allows you to be a cheating bastard and use passwords that you found off of Gamefaqs to skip to the last level.

Exercise Mode allows the player to play without a CPU opponent, with gameplay going faster as the game goes on. Another player may join in at any time. 1P vs 2P Mode allows two players to compete against each other.

The Game Gear version of the game also features Puzzle Mode, in which players must use a limited supply of beans to clear a screen.

Now let's get the the main game, Scenario Mode. But before I say ANYTHING, this is NOT a game for beginners. Seriously, if you're new to the Poyopoyo series and can't mix combos very well, THEN YOUR ASS WILL BE HANDED TO YOU SUNNY-SIDE UP.

And that's probably the biggest problem WITH the game, how cruel and harsh it is for newcomers to get into. And believe me, by level three you'll be breaking your controller in pure RAGE. But wait till I tell you.

First off we have Arms, the first enemy you'll face in the game.



I consider him a warm-up for the game and you should beat him pretty easily. He likes to set beans down quickly and erratically, usually focusing on one or two colors at a time. Therefore he'll never really send anything lethal at you, so yeah. He should go down VERY easily, whether you're good at the game or not.

Next we have Frankly, your second opponent.



This is where the game starts getting a bit tricky for newcomers. Frankly here has a habit of quickly building a row of four beans for combo purposes. He's a BIT hard, but you should still beat him. The most lives you'll lose on this guy is two.

NOW WE HAVE THIS LITTLE SON OF A BITCH, named Humpty.



I'M TELLING YOU GUYS RIGHT NOW, HUMPTY PUTS THE "H" IN HELL AND THE "P" IN PAIN. HE IS BRICK WALL #1, AND HE WILL KICK YOUR ASS HARD IF YOU'RE NOT READY.

He likes to organize beans neatly and eliminates them quickly, rarely performing combos. In other words, he puts refugee beans on your side every three seconds. YAY.

And do NOT let him perform combos. Trust me, it doesn't matter HOW close you are to winning, he will often make a comeback and slaughter you RIGHT when you think you won.

If you aren't experienced in this game, then change the Opponent Difficulty Level to FUCKING LETHAL.

But if you don't give up, you'll eventually kick his ass and move on to the next opponent.



Next up we have a main character from the AOSTH cartoon, Coconuts.



He tend to quickly build bean towers on the left and right, hoping for a combo along the way. Because of this Coconuts is pretty easy, but if you don't take him down quick he'll go MLG on your ass and start making combos.

He's somewhat difficult for newcomers, but you should beat him eventually. Expect a death or two from him.

Next up is where you NEED to start learning how to do quick and efficient combos. Because you'll be facing THIS GUY, Davy Sprocket.



His strategy is to eliminate same-colored beans quickly and performs few combos, meanwhile building bean towers on the left and right. He's like Humpty in a way, but not quite as hard.

However, the difficult part of this guy is getting his board covered in refugee beans. Since he's always making small combos at a fast speed, he can completely FUCK your combos. He also rarely ever has his board in a dangerous level, so be careful with Davy here.

After 3-4 deaths, you'll move on to the next badnik, named Skweel.



This robot sticks to spreading beans out for a low field. Just combo him quickly before he can do anything and you should be golden. But if you take too long, then HE'LL ULTRA-COMBO YOUR ASS AND YOU'LL GET DESTROYED.

Now we have Dynamight. By now you should be fairly decent at putting beans in the right place and making good combos quickly.



Dynamight is where the game gets BRUTAL. He just LOVES setting up large combos, and if you're not careful he'll send you to the graveyard. Just try to make a good combo before him to mess up his flow, then sabotage his ability to recover.

In layman's terms, just make combos before he does and you'll be fine. But consider him Brick Wall #2, because he is pretty damn difficult.

Now we another badnik that's a main character in the AOSTH cartoon, Grounder.



If you die too many times from this guy then I favor your sanity. All he ever does is drop beans while matching them quickly, therefore almost NEVER making good combos to screw you up.

Why wasn't HE the third opponent!? GODDAMNIT!

Next up we have Spike, another pretty easy opponent.



Spike tends to make a shit-load of small combos, so there's that to worry about, but he never makes any really threatening moves, therefore making him a lot easier then his stage number implies.

Just fuck him hard before he can get in your way and you'll win without that much trouble.

Now we have THE MOST BADASS LOOKING CHARACTER IN THE GAME, Sir F-Fuzzy Logik.

..........

Ok, WHO THE HELL MAKES UP THESE NAMES!? Whatever.



In all honesty though, all he really does is build towers with short combos. He's pretty annoying and is hard to combo quickly, but it takes him 90 fucking centuries to kill you, so you should be fine.

He's pretty difficult, but as long as you don't end up killing yourself you'll win without much effort.

Now we have Dragon Breath, the next opponent.



This douche hat tends to build combos on left and right sides of the board. I like to think of him as Coconuts on steroids. Just use the best of your abilities to make quick combos and you'll eventually win.

Next we have the last of the 3 main robot characters in the AOSTH cartoon, Scratch.



BRICK WALL #3. His ENTIRE strategy is to set up large combos FAST. For as much of a pushover he was in the cartoon, HE'S ONE OF THE HARDEST ENEMIES IN THIS GAME.

I can't even help you here. Just try as hard as you can to make bigger combos faster then him and you MIGHT win.

By the way, remember how I said the speed that the beans fall down increase as you win levels? Well, when you're fighting Scratch, THE SPEED IS ON CRACK.

Have fun with that. Now we have the final fight, the main villain in the AOSTH cartoon, the reason why you're fighting, Dr. Ivo Robotnik.



Same as the Scratch fight, but not only is Dr. Robotnik even HARDER than Scratch, BUT THE SPEED IS FUCKING INSANE.

The beans fall so goddamn fast that every time a pair of them land THE SCREEN SHAKES!

May god have mercy on your soul if you're fighting him on the hardest difficulty.

And that's pretty much it. You save the beans and all ends well. Now for what I think of the game.

Story: 3.5/5

It's nothing special. It's kind of unique and I like how well they blended it with the game they're representing, but it's pretty basic.

Sound: 4.75/5

The music is insanely catchy and I recommend you listen to the Exercise Mode RIGHT NOW.

The sound effects are also flashy and really pop out!

Gameplay: 4/5

It's VERY addicting and fun. And with all the modes and options you're given, you'll almost never get bored.

The only problem with the gameplay is Scenario mode, the MAIN story mode, IS WAY TOO FUCKING HARD. Seriously, the difficulty spikes in this game are brutal.

Graphics/Animation/Presentation: 4.5/5

Everything is colorful and full of life, but I'm taking off .5 points for most of the game being brown.

The animations are lively and look pretty damn impressive.

Replay Value: 4/5

It's a lot of fun to play all the different modes and you'll be coming back to this game all the time to see how much you've improved.

Overall: 4.2/5

Even though it's mostly just a clone, the execution was very well done. I like almost everything in the game and I really think it's at LEAST worth a checkout.

Hope you enjoyed!