Vampires War (sorry I can't get on fanpop as much as I would like to, i only have time to check emails, SORRY!!!)

momo_gurl11 posted on Feb 18, 2008 at 04:08PM
Buildings were on fire. I walked around aimlessly, looking for the humans. How I hate our flaw for human blood. We are not perfect if we still need to survive on humans. The scent had finally reached me, though it was not a strong scent, I could follow without losing my way. I walked deeper into my enemy lines. I wonder if they have felt my presences already.
As I got closere to an abondoned building, I felt a cold wind. "Come on, Naku. You know I am here so why don't you come out and play," I said. Naku is one of the so called ghosts. They are not ghosts, they just resemble certain charectiristics. They have a white glow around them. They are colder and lighter than us, and they are a hell of alot stronger.
"Naku? Are you afraid this vampire is going to beat your ass like the last time.Hahaha!" I hope he got angry. A fight is not a fight unless someone is angry.
"You stupid Bitch. You think you can waltz in my territory as if it is your own? Bring it on leech."
He appeared, a few feet away from me, out of the dark. I made my hands into fists, and went straight at him. I missed, but he didn't. He knocked me onto the floor. "I want those humans," I said. I rolled away from him, for he was getting ready to hit me in the face. I stood up, and grabbed his short hair. I rubbed his face into the dry dirt. If only they could bleed easily, this fight would have been over. "Are you trying to let me win, Naku?" I said laughingly. He grabbed my leg with his hand and made me fall to the ground. He started to choke me. "No you idiot. I want you to leave before you get your pretty little face damaged." I kicked him off of me.
I hate when I have to fight one of the ghosts to get what I want. They don't give up until the fight is over and this will take awhile.
last edited on Jul 31, 2008 at 08:32PM

Vampires 10 replies

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over a year ago momo_gurl11 said…
Tell me if it sound s okay. Critisize, please. Tell me what you don't lilke so far.
over a year ago Meg08 said…
ummmm... momo... what's going on?
over a year ago Lars said…
Is short story for critique, yes? Doc is very good at that, but she will be harsh so make sure you want people to say or not.
over a year ago momo_gurl11 said…
That is the point. It may be small, but the earlier the criticism the better. Don't you think.
over a year ago DrDevience said…
Ok. Let me get some coffee down then I'll have a go at this.
over a year ago amazondebs said…
just a couple of point
i'm not sure how you want to portray the character of the vampire but i'm not sure the trash talk between he/she and naku fits
also the way naku is introduced, the 1st voice characters doesn't suit that narrative way of which the so called ghosts are explained, maybe you could make up a new name for these creatures and let the readers figure out what they are as the story goes on

i do like this strange reality, and the straight to the point, short/snappy style

apart from that though not much else to stay until we get more of the story :)
hope this helps :)
over a year ago DrDevience said…
Ack! I totally forgot about this. SORRY! Time is just so limited right now...
over a year ago amazondebs said…
hey momo girl have you checked out the creative outlet spot? people there might be interested in this
over a year ago momo_gurl11 said…
Thanks amazondebs. I am sorry if all you people were expecting some changes but i have been in school, trying to catch up, so had no time for messages or forums or my myspace. Actually I still don't have time so sorry! maybe monday afterschool I will try to do some type of change.
last edited over a year ago
over a year ago ineedcoffee said…
ok I am no critic but I actually found this not bad when you get more done can you let me know..:)