Twilight Series Article: A Twilight Hater's Review of New Moon

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posted by shieldmaiden

The wolf clan was kinda awesome, except for the crappy animation and the fact that they're allergic to shirts.

Okay, I'll admit that I haven't laughed this hard at a film since I saw The Hangover last summer. Seriously, what was the plot here? I actually found the first film to be much better than this travesty. You can find my review of the first movie link. I'll go through it like I do with all movies. Pros and cons, then an overall.

Pros

The Volturi

Finally! Some ACTUAL vampires!! The Volturi I found were pretty awesome because, you know, they actually were cruel, soulless, mean, and did some actual VAMPIRING. The part towards the end where a tour group of humans is led directly to them and you hear their screams was pretty awesome. Come on people, that's what vampires do. They drink the blood of huuumans. Sheesh. Also, they were pretty cruel too, what with the whole smack down of Edward and nearly killing Bella (so bummed that didn't happen). Getting a small glimpse of the actor who will be playing Grindelwald in Deathly Hallows was a nice bonus too. So for all you Twilight fans, the Volturi are GOOD examples of vampires. Much like the soulless vampires on Buffy.

The Wolf Clan

Now why I didn't particularly enjoy the crappy computer animation of the wolves (more on that later) I did enjoy the characters of the wolf clan. The one scene that I really liked is where we see Sam's fiance, with half her face clawed up. My friend and I definitely agree that even with the claw marks she was amazingly beautiful. I would see a movie about her and Sam in a heartbeat. It would be much much better than this terrible film. Pity they were stuck in it.

Jacob

Lautner got hot. No denying that. Other than the hotness factor though, he was probably the only real character with any dimensions and depth besides Bella's father. The way their relationship built to where Jacob fell for Bella, and she pretty much for him, was very realistic and healthy. So you can imagine my dissappointment when she chose Edward, who abandoned, controlled, and basically led to much of her depression, over Jacob. You Team Jacob fans, I now consider you semi-sane because you recognized a HEALTHY relationship. Props to you guys.

Cons

Bella...you there?

I hate the character of Bella, I truly do. She doesn't think for herself, is defined solely by her relationships, and for some reason Stewart could NEVER SHUT HER MOUTH. Even when she wasn't talking!! What was up with that?! Gaah. The fact too that she dissed her friends at school and put her dad through so much crap with the screaming at night (seriously, wtf, she doesn't have PTSD) made me just loathe her character even more with a passion. Furthermore, her whole obsession over age was just ridiculous. Ohhh nooo you're a whole year older than your 107 year old vampire boyfriend!! Now he's not going to love you anymore!!! Yea, stupid. Those fans out there that idolize her, please find a healthier role model such as Eowyn, Hermione, heck even Lily on How I Met Your Mother. Bella is a very unhealthy and psychologically unstable character and is an insult to females everywhere. She didn't even drive her own car most of the time! Disgusting.

How is she special too btw?

If someone can explain how Bella is unaffected by any of the vampire's powers, it'd be much appreciated. That just seems like something that's just thrown out there. My theory? It's because Bella has no thoughts!

Edward...dude wtf?!

Sooo this guy that supposedly is totally in love with you throws you into a glass table for protection, lies to you, breaks up with you, and abandons you in the forest. A car ride home would have been nice plskthnx. Also, the throwing into the glass table for her protection? That was totally safe. You know, because she was bleeding even more profusely after the table than she was after the papercut. Also, who has ever bled that much after a papercut anyways, if at all? Furthermore, the fact that he kept "appearing" everytime Bella had an adrenaline rush was just weird. I think if my ex-boyfriend started showing up everytime I had a rush, I'd go and get a CT of my brain to make sure I didn't have a brain tumor a la Izzie seeing Denny b/c of her tumor. Also, the fact that Bella takes him right back after all the crap he put her through was just great. Really shows girls that hey, after a guy lies to you like that you can totally trust him again with no really good explanation other than "I love you". Nice.

OMG a Plot Point!!!

Annd what was the plot?? Everytime a possible plot point appeared it seemed to get derailed, such as the shots of Victoria, Laurent, or whenever anyone said Bella was acting crazy. If anyone spoke reason or a plot point appeared, it did not show again.

Lupin's Wolf Looked Better...

The film must have had the world's worst computer animation department because those wolves were a travesty. How about those transf...I mean FURSPLOSIONS eh? Really bad animation coupled with a laughable transformation sequence (FURSPLODE!) led to even more laughs. Too bad there weren't enough fursplosions.

That's What She Said!

There were way too many lines in the film where one could easily say that. For example- Bella: I'm coming! Me: That's what she said! Edward: I don't want you to come! Me: That's what HE said!! If you don't get the meaning behind that, then please go watch The Office where it is regularly utilized. Furthermore, the scene where Edward kisses Bella in front of her truck after the party was too funny. Edward acted like...well like link SNL skit. Please be forewarned that that link is meant for those 16 and older. That scene probably got one of the biggest laughs out of me.

Blocked

Finally, all the kiss-blocking that poor Jacob suffered through. Face Punch high school guy who threw up at an action movie (he's so gay then), Bella denies, and Edward calls just as he macks on the upper lip! Seriously, Jacob should have just pulled an Owen (Grey's Anatomy character), grabbed Bella, and just rocked her world. Doubt she woulda left if he did that.

Overall

Overall, this movie was a travesty to the film community. It was plotless, very poorly acted, and featured a very unhealthy set of characters that girls and women alike should not look up to as role models. Bella should have been thrown in a psych center for the stuff she was experiencing. I'm not going to apologize either if I've offended anyone. This is my honest opinion, and I know I wasn't as kind as I was in my first review. Now you've heard an opinion of an anti-Twilighter. You Team Jacobers, you got some respect from me now. Please save your brain cells and your money and do not see this movie. Unless you want a really good laugh then by all means do. Oh and one more thing to note. The ending with the whole Marry me? Ending on the *gasp* garnered a huge laugh from our audience. And just for my own satisfaction, FURSPLODE TIME!!

No plot and many opportunities for "That's what she said!" abound in this film. Also, Edward during this kiss is very reminiscent of a certain SNL skit.

Poor Jacob kept getting blocked and denied. In the end, Bella chooses the unhealthy relationship with Edward based on looks rather than the healthy one with Jacob based on the initial strong friendship.

xoPixie-Popxo, groovychicklisa and 10 others like this

rachaelwsz Lol. You've got great points there. But personally, I felt that the New Moon movie was better. What made me really dislike the Twilight movie was the terribly crappy script. (Think the spider monkey lines.) Oh, not forgetting the very disappointing special effects. (Sparkles- FAIL!) Btw, I've linked your article to the [url=http://www.fanpop.com/spots/critical-analysis-of-twilight] Critical Analysis of Twilight[/url] spot, better known as the CAT spot. ;) Check out the spot if you haven't.

shieldmaiden Didn't know that existed! Thanks! I've joined :) And the only reason that I found the first movie slightly better (by a very very small margin) than this one is because there was some semblance of a plot present. Not much though, but if you looked it was kinda there.

OCFan123 After reading this article...I really love you :) But I agree with rachelwsz, I thought this movie was better. But thats just me.

rachaelwsz @shieldmaiden I would agree with you about the weak plot presence in the New Moon movie. But if I were to compare both the movies, I still think New Moon was better overall. The CAT spot rules. ;)

XDRoseLuvsHP Haha, if you thought the movie was bad, you should see the book! E.P.I.C.F.A.I.L. Love the review :D

Impulse85 I love the fact that you made the Volturi part of the Pro part of the movie, b/c honestly, that's the only reason I went to go see the movie. I love the Volturi, they're a great set of characters that got caught in a crappy and pointless book. That's a shame to, they really should have a spin off. I'd buy that book!!!

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Official Press Release--Summit Announces Wolf Pack Casting

posted by mandapanda

SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT RUNS WITH THE WOLF PACK IN THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON

Chaske Spencer, Bronson Pelletier, Alex Meraz, Kiowa Gordon
and Tyson Houseman to Star as Members of Wolf Pack

Los Angeles, CA March 23, 2009 – Summit Entertainment announced today that Native American/First Nation actors Chaske Spencer, Bronson Pelletier, Alex Meraz, Kiowa Gordon and Tyson Houseman have signed on to star as the members of the wolf pack in THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON. In the film, the wolf pack defends humans against vampires although they have a tribal history intricately entwined with Edward Cullen...

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Storyteller-Chapter Three-

posted by BuffyFaithFan1

Angel in the sky!

STORYTELLER
by: BuffyFaithfan1
Chapter Three: Conversations With Dead People...
I opened my eyes and found myself back in the white bed and no one was around to talk to, or to jump into there arms, or to just argue with. No doctors, no footsteps, and most of all, and the saddest part, no Mile. Even though he didnt really run with me in his arms through the maze of The Fear, he never held me close to him in his arms. Or smile at me, or look at me, or even see me. I couldn't take it, it hurt a little to not even see him around my bed or in my room some where like he promised. I just stared at...

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new moon edwards POV part 5

posted by _madz_

here is the next bit, have fun reading it :)
(P.S this is not my story, all credit goes to steph meyer)

“I am gratified by his success.” Aro mused. “Your memories of him are quite a gift for me, though they astonish me exceedingly. I am surprised by how it...pleases me, his success in this unorthodox path he’s chosen. I expected that he would waste, weaken with time. I’d scoffed at his plan to find others who would share his peculiar vision. Yet, somehow, I’m happy to be wrong.”
I didn’t see a need to reply so I kept silent.
“But your restraint!” Aro sighed. “I did not know...

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NEWS FLASH ON MIDNIGHT SUN!

posted by twilight_unite

!!!!!!ATTENTION ALL TWILIGHT FANS!!!!!!
If you are a MAJOR or just a fan of Stephanie Meyer's most popular Twilight Saga then pay attention.

On youtube.com there is a video of Stephanie being interviewed.She is going to publish Midnight Sun.If you have read her draft of Midnight Sun or even if you haven't then you can right how you think it should be.She wants to see what her fans (aka- Us)think.And she also beleives that if we have a story in us then we should write it out and show evryone what we're capable of.

-twilight_unite-(MAJOR FAN OF TWILIGHT SAGA)

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Emmett Story Part 3

posted by just_bella

OK, quick recap:

"Benjamin, would you and Emmett please gather the remains of the sheep and put them in the small barn until after lunch?" He said as he lead the way into the house.

We made our way to the first animal that the children had found. I picked the poor beast up in my arms, attempting to keep the blood from getting on my clothing. I made my way over to the smaller of the barns as Ben turned to go to the field in search of other casualties.

We managed to collected all 3 sheep, and made our way back to the house without ruining our clothing, and hopefully before all the lunch was gone....

22

Kayla's Secret, Chapter 2

posted by twilight-7

Remember the sequel to the Kayla Series is called Kayla's Secret.
Oh, if you want to read Kayla's Secret you have to read the Kayla series first.

When I woke up the next morning, I was lying on my own bed. Edward was not next to me or hiding in the corner. Next to me, on my pillow, was a note.
I had to leave early. Alice needed me. I’m sorry. I will pick you up for school at eight thirty. Love, Edward. x
Edward usually woke me up for school. He never slept so he could watch the time for me. I put the note back on my pillow and glanced at the watch on my wrist. It was quarter past eight. I threw...

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Starlit - Chapter 5

posted by Yoss

Chapter 5 – Plans

I woke up screaming. It felt like I have screamed my lungs out. My throat felt raw. I sat up and wiped my tears away with my favorite blanket – a gift from Grandmother Renee. She was told the whole adoption “press release, “of course. That was a few years back when the rest of my family was convinced that it was safe to finally meet her. That was the year I stopped aging.

I realized my whole body was covered with sweat. I got up from bed, intending to take a cold shower. That’s when I saw my favorite photograph lying face down on the floor. I picked it up and found...

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Starlit - Chapter 3

posted by Yoss

Chapter 3 - The Gazebo

My feet planted noiselessly on the warm green grass. The light that was shining on my face a while ago was the sun. The sky was clear blue, a rare event for Forks.

I stared around me – no gaped would be the perfect word to describe what I’m doing right now. Where am I? I’m sure I’m not in our cottage or at the Cullen Mansion. This place is definitely not La Push. Could this place truly exist? Could I still be in Forks?

I noticed that the bed I was sleeping on a couple of seconds ago was a different one. I frowned, there is no way that this magnificent bed fit for...

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Kayla, The Final Chapter!!

posted by twilight-7

Jacob couldn’t wait for another time.
Charlie and I were sitting in the living-room, watching TV and talking, when someone knocked on the door.
“Will you get that, Kayla,” Charlie said. He was smiling. I didn’t like that smile. He knew something that I didn’t. I hated that.
I opened the door and almost had a heart attack. Standing there, grinning crazily, was Jacob.
“Jacob!” I said, utterly shocked.
His grin vanished when he saw me. His eyes went from shining happily, to blazing angrily. His hands balled up into fists and he started shaking. I grabbed one of his shaking arms and...

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Kayla, Chapter 28

posted by twilight-7

“Baseball?”
He smiled sweetly at me. “I knew you would love it.”
“Baseball?”
His smile faltered. “I thought you liked spending time with my family?”
“BASEBALL?” I screamed at him. “You want me to play baseball with your family?!”
He backed away from me.
“Be quiet, Kayla,” he shushed me. “Charlie will hear and come-”
There were quick footsteps on the stairs. Edward ran and hid in my closet and I quickly picked up my cell phone.
“You have got to be kidding me!” I shouted down my cell.
My door opened and Charlie walked in. He looked around my room suspiciously, trying...

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GRRRR!!!!!

posted by Yoss

My morning here at the office started out fairly well - drooling over Rob on my desktop, posting an article, updating my reports and then…AND THEN THIS!!!! THIS!!!!

BREAKING NEWS: TWILIGHT STAR DIED OF DRUG OVERDOSE!!

My Inbox started piling up with messages from my office mates, one even said condolence. UGH! One asked, what would happen to New Moon. Would there be a re-shoot? One encouraged me to file for a leave so we could mourn. ACK! THIS IS NOT TRUE! (Tell me, it’s not true.) I refuse to believe. My blood literally boiled. My morning is ruined-ruined beyond repair, I think. I absolutely hate people who spread vicious rumors around. Can’t they just leave famous celebrities alone? GRRRR!!!!!!

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Dreamnapped-Chapter Three Stranger

posted by Twilight597

Sorry this one is so short and it took so long to put up. like i said i'm a horrible typer.

Chapter Three- Stranger

The shower was hot. I didn’t take long because I knew he was waiting. When I got out there was a bandage on the sink counter. Supposedly he left this for my head. I put it on the cut carefully, so it wont smell as good to him. I’d have to be careful on cutting myself around him. As I walked back to the couch to find Keith looking at the food.
When he saw me walk in he said, ”How do you stand eating this?” I shrugged, “ I...

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My Valentine - Chapter 5

posted by dinosteph

First off,
I want to give a little shout out to Logan, who is my friend Laura's younger brother. I hope i'm not outing you as a twilight fan haha!

I had given my friend the link for my story, and she was going to read it first, make sure it was appropriate, and then share it with her brother, only to find out that he has been reading my stories all along.

I'm glad you like the story Logan!

annnnd Second.
I leave for Miami in 8 days. If you haven't noticed already, I do this and the untitled story back and forth, updating a chapter for each.

I'm in the middle of midterms, which I tend to put off...

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Bella's alternative- chapter 2

posted by yazangi

While Bella is unconscience Jacob is still with the boys so he doesn't really know that bella passed out. Christy is a new girl in town, a nurse so when she sees Bella she helps her feel a little bit better. Jacob finally runs into Bella and asks Christy what was wrong with her. "Nothing serious she just hit her head, does she fall down a lot because she doesn't really feel shocked at all?!"
"huh, yeah she tripps over a lot," Jacob sighed awkwardly. [i]Jake, pull yourself together man, what's wrong with you? it must be the weather. Who is this girl anyway?[i] After that day on Bella and Christy...

7

Twilight, New moon and Eclipse confessions

posted by Annaoth

Twilight confessions
#1 I poured glitter on my boyfriend so he'd be just like Edward
#2 Fictional characters dazzle me. Frequently.
#3 Lamb chops are delicious
#4 I stabbed Edward Cullen with a spork. And lived to tell the tale
#5 I stay up at night waiting for Edward to show up
#6 Ballet studios give me chills
#7 I've developed a weird habit of biting people
#8 I'm willing to bet against Alice
#9 Shiny Silver Volvos make me squeal like a fan girl
#10 When I have kids, I'll name them after the Cullens
#11 I jumped in front of a moving van just to see if Edward will save me
#12 I'm intoxicated by the mere...

6

Breaking Dawn: Can They Film It?

posted by laureng114

Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse are already in the works, but what about Breaking Dawn? Unlike the first three books, this one may pose a problem. In this book (spoiler!) Bella goes through a transformation that makes her inhumanly beautiful like the rest of the Cullens and she has a beautiful girl that grows at an alarmingly fast rate. The question is, can they really film these things? In my opinion, Kristen Stewart is just as pretty as Ashley Greene and Nikki Reed. Not only that, when she is standing next to Robert Pattinson you do not notice a huge difference between the two like in the books. Another problem would be Renesmee. How are they going to cast a girl that grows that fast without using any type of animation or graphics? Well this is just an opinion from a concerned twilighter and i hope that others feel the same way.

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I.SIMPLY.WON'T!

posted by Yoss

Felt like I've been howling for - forever (?).
It seems like it's all I did these past few months.Geez...MONTHS!

Howling in grief, in desperation. Does she care? I don't think so. She's happy - happy beyond the borders of sanity, I realized bitterly.

I pushed forwrd with all my might, as fast as these four legs can. The bloodsucker drove even faster, I thought disdainfully.I howled once more.

I could hardly see their vehicle - the vehicle that would bring her to her doom - a doom she happily embraced.

I will kill you! I swear I will! I vowed.
I wished with all my heart the bloodsucker could still...

11

Visions Chp. 8

posted by 2bearz

sorry its so short! doing a change in my writin. instead of skippin a whole chunk of the story im startin off exactly where I stopped! yea me!

I used the first spell that came into my mind, the one I use to freeze someone, no matter where they are. It worked perfectly, and he was frozen in mid-jump, with his mouth open revealing very sharp looking teeth.

When I was done I breifly remembered giving a charm to Bella that would protect her from any harm or evil, but that wasn't what was filling my mind. What was filling it was WHAT THE HELL IS ALEX DOING HERE?! and in the Cullens living room, about...

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Kayla, Chapter 23

posted by twilight-7

As you will have noticed I love cliffhangers. I love to write them but I felt slightly mean after giving you like three in a row. So here, I have posted this on early. It wasn't supposed to go on til later but as I said I felt mean. So here it is.

Emmett was obviously taller than me. Edward would never have hurt me. He had calculated his attack well. He would soar over me and get Emmett in the face. But not if I got Edward first. As soon as Edward’s feet left the floor I was up in the air. We met mid-air crashing into each other. I put all my strength and force (and possibly used some telekinesis)...

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Surprise for Bella - One Shot

posted by dinosteph

Hey guys.
This is a short piece that I wrote for the contest, but apparently it's not going to be happening, so I decided to post it anyways.

I'm sure I could have expanded it, but I was trying to stay in the 1500 word limit, and I think I like it better this way.

“Are your eyes closed” He whispered from behind, sending shivers down my neck.

“Yes!” I grumbled, my hands on top of his, which were covering my eyes.

“Promise” He whispered again

“I promise!” I laughed , my body tingling from the contact.

He dropped his hands and I felt him move from behind to face me, I'm assuming to make...