This is Bella dwelling on how her life turned out. It is supposed to be if Alice never saw her jump off the cliff, so they didn't go to the Volturi, Edward is still alive somewhere but she hasn't seen any of the Cullens since her disastrous birthday party. Enjoy!


“Goodnight Mama!”

“Goodnight sweetie, I’ll see you bright and early in the morning, ready for fishing with Grandpa ok? Love you”

I hugged and kissed my two, adorable children and wished them goodnight.

Oh, how big they were getting! Ben was almost eight! How I loved our little Ben, just like his father. The same sun-kissed, toasty warm skin and woodsy scent. He’s so strong and agile, I know he has the gene. In another ten years, he’ll probably join his father, to protect our family, our village.

Ahh Jake. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband to take care of me. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t imprint on me because our love is more than capable of that strength. I can feel the love radiating out of him whenever we’re close, see the glow of his face when he meets my eyes every morning at breakfast. My own personal sun to keep me warm and safe. Still with the young face of his seventeen self! His wolf deeds prove too important to take a break, so he can't age. I’ve learnt that age doesn’t matter, love happens. I still can’t quite believe I’m thirty next month, thirty! The woods keep me feeling young and alive, as does Jake.

Mia is growing into such a sweet little girl too, she loves to pick the purple wildflowers from the forest with me for her Grandpa’s and Grandma Sue. Purple wildflowers. They remind me too much of a place where I haven’t been since... well since I found out Jake’s secret. The place that still haunts my every dream, the face that keeps me awake every night. The worst of it is, the dreams are wonderful. I welcome them every night because I’m so frightened of forgetting.

Forgetting the best summer of my life, forgetting His cold touch, His marble lips against mine, the scattered rainbows as the sun hits His cheek... Yet I must not think.

I feel absolutely awful, because I know Jake doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve to be overshadowed, letting my selfish thoughts make a crack in our strong bond. I never tell him of my dreams, but I’m sure he knows I still think about Him every day. He deserves so much more than me, yet he sticks with me. I told Jake long ago, I would never heal. And it’s true, sometimes I still feel a small fracture deep inside, that never fully heals. Jake can only stitch my gaping hole up so far, until the stitches start to dissolve again.

Don’t get me wrong, if He turned up on my doorstep tomorrow, I would never leave Jake and my beautiful family. I just wish, we could be friends. I yearn to know that He is safe, happy with a beautiful vampire, so he can have an equal partner, not a fragile, plain human. Maybe He has settled with Tanya and is living with the Denali. Or perhaps the Cullen clan has a new addition. Either way, I just wish I knew.

Alice. Dear little Alice, my unpredictable pixie-like friend. What I wouldn’t do to hug Alice again, take in her floral scent, catch up on life. I wish she knew my children, take Mia shopping when she gets older, throw her parties every girl (except for me), wished she had. I wish I had someone to tell me feelings to, I know deep in my heart that she wouldn’t be angry with me for getting on with my life. Emily has become a friend close to my heart, us wolf women. I just don’t think she could ever quite understand.

I yearn to hear Emmett’s booming laughter when I fall over, or turn up at their house with another fracture, cut or bruise. Even though it got embarrassing, I would do anything to have him here, teasing me over my clumsiness still.

I wish I could see Carlisle and Esme again, see the love deep in their golden eyes, know that they will always care for each other and their extraordinary family.

I yearn to see Jasper, the cause of my new life in a way. I don’t blame him at all though, he couldn’t deny his nature. I just hope he is coping with his style of life, and I know he will be looking after Alice better than anyone could.

I even yearn to see Rosalie, her magnificent beauty before me. I know she wasn’t entirely happy with me, but just to catch a glimpse, of any of them once more. To know that they’re okay.

These thoughts trouble me every day; I just can’t banish them from my mind no matter how hard I try. The love I feel for them will never fade, not until death. Tears began to spill from eyes. My selfishness is absurd, I have such a beautiful life, why can’t I be happy with what I have?

Please rate and comment if you want more of Bella's future with Jacob. I will write actual events, not just thoughts. This is just an introduction.