I want to shove the hands of the clock forward.
Maybe, just maybe would time get on it's spindly legs and run,
just enough so the night would end and the first blink of the sky meant that it was morning and the sun had awoke.

All of this talk of mine could have made me fall asleep, and time would go even faster. Dreaming sweetly about how morning in this wretched town would sweep up the ground and the sky and make the world beautiful once again.

Everyday, the pearly white glow of the sun would pour in through the window on the left side and give me such light and enjoyment I didn't eat a single thing. Just step outside and walk. Walk and walk and try to see if that dew-covered sparkling grass ever really did touch the end of the world.

--

Tonight was ugly.
The worn-down/bar hotel could make anybody shiver.
Down the steps I crawled and desperately begged to the stairs that they would not creak when my aching feet pushed the floor.

I wanted to listen.
To the sounds of the others.
The smell of alcohol burned the inside of my nose as I gazed at the men ... or boys, as we ladies call them, dance and shout and slap each other senseless, spilling the nasty stuff all over the wooden floors.

And speaking of us women, other than me they all sat in red and blue paint-peeling chairs by the door. All up in their pretty dresses carrying their tiny purses. Wearing their tiny shoes which were right about now ready to jab the boys' asses.

And then there was me, practically in rags.

Gwen spotted me.
In her dark clothes, the only I could relate to, she practically skipped over in happiness to see a non-drunk, non-gussied-up civilized person in this place.
"Please," she sheepishly smiled, "come with us!"
I counted the girls and I counted the guys.
"11 tuh 10." I replied. "Ain't enough if I even wanted to go."
I could see that only-hope midnight blue smile she only gives me fade away, and without a word she clacks back down the floor in her heels.

The women finally put their foot down and took those drunken boys by the arm. Draggin' them away Gwen turned back around one more time and whispered,
"You can always go with Duncan,"
My heart thudded with anger and I felt insanely flushed in my head. Maybe stuttering-- I don't remember, through my jagged teeth and growled,
"Shows what you know." and slammed that heavy door.

And now I stand here, still barely listening, but watching outside gasping for little breaths between quiet crying, even though I am all alone. No one can hear me. It feels like the group is still present. Not inside, but maybe a few blocks down. Suddenly I ache and long for them to be by my side, and not able to see through my tears I throw the door open and scream,
"Gwen!"
I didn't notice before, but the wind was screaming with me. I called her name again.

It was no use.

When I shouted, the fierce and swift blowing air would take my voice and bust it into a thousand pieces.
I am Sofie,
and I am disgraced to call myself a TDI Survivor.