C.C.: I couldn't put a foot out of bed this morning.
Niles: Did someone put a rock on your coffin again?


C.C.: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.
Niles: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.


C.C.: I find I can catch more flies with honey.
Niles: I always thought your tongue darted out.


C.C.: I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress.
Niles: You'd have to be dead six months to fit in it.


Fran: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment... at all?
C.C.: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.


Niles (to C.C.): Oh, what are you doing here, the sun is up.


Niles: You know, the next time you give your clothes away, why don't you just stay in them?


C.C.: I'll never get to the airport on time.
Niles: That's true, sir, she needs at least two people on her broom to use the Express Lane.


Niles: I once walked in on the Queen-mother.
Fran: In the shower?
Niles: On the throne.


C.C.: You are a pathetic excuse for a man.
Niles: Ditto!


Fran: What's that?
Niles: It's a script for Mr. Sheffield.
Fran: You didn't write another Seinfeld episode did you? Sweetie... it's over.


[Niles is dancing bombastically and singing into his duster. CC enters unexpectedly]
Niles: You realize, of course, now I'm going to have to kill you.


C.C.: I find it very unseemly of Maxwell to start dating again. Isn't the customary period of mourning 10 years?
Niles: Die. Let's find out.


Sylvia Fine: Trust me, there is only one man who can satisfy a woman in two minutes - Colonel Sanders.


Fran: Oh my God. You're taking back the thing?


Max: If I found a woman who loved my children, could make me laugh and that I found attractive, well, I'd never let her go.
[puts his arm around Fran's shoulders and gets his watch caught on her]
Fran: Oh, we're stuck on each other.


Max: Oh Niles, what is it this time? Your job, your weight, no future?
Niles: Well, Sir, I was just wondering why I have no social life but you cleared that right up for me.


Fran: And remember always follow your heart.
Maggie: Well, my heart says I should go back to Sean.
Fran: That's not your heart talking.


Nigel Sheffield: I hope you don't mind me telling you one more time just how, how sexy you are.
Fran: Nope, still diggin' it.
Share this quote
C.C.: What is this un-natural obsession Maxwell has with his children? I can count the number of days I spent with my father on one hand.
Niles: Seven?


Niles: How do you do, Tiz Maylor? I'm Biles, the nutler.


C.C.: What's Maxwell doing in London?
Niles: One would hope, Miss Fine.


[Talking about Fran's new apartment full of homosexual men]
Maggie: Are there a lot of cute guys at your new apartment?
Fran: Oh, yeah, they're walking right out of the closets.


[after accidentally baby-napping a child]
Fran: I wonder if I'll ever really be a mother?
Max: Well, there's always the subway.
Fran: No way. Forget it. The next time I bring home a baby it's gonna be after nine months of swollen ankles and an epidural that could bring down Secretariat.


[after uncrossing her legs while being interrogated a la Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct"]
Fran: Ah-hah, forget it. You got a better chance of seeing Tonya Harding on a box of Wheaties.


C.C.: This isn't a typical night.
Niles: Yes, you're not home alone sitting on your foot massager watching "Sisters".


Fran: We begged my mother for a Christmas tree, she called it a Chanukah Bush. P.S., the candles from the Menorah set the flocking on fire, and the fumes put my father into the emergency room.


Niles: Finger sandwich?
Frank Bakley, Jr.: Ewww. What idiot made these?
Niles: I did, and they're made from real little boys.


C.C.: Seriously, Niles, where do you keep all that cash?
Niles: Someplace you'll never get near.
C.C.: Oh, your mattress.
Niles: No.
[pointing at Mr. Sheffield]
Niles: His.


[last line of the last episode/series]
Yetta: This place is gorgeous. Much better than that place you had in New York.


Mr. Sheffield: Can you keep a secret?
Niles: Well, I'm good until I meet the next person.


Philippe: Hello, Caca.
C.C.: What?
Philippe: Is this not what C.C. stands for? That is what the butler told me.


Mr. Sheffield: He can't make you happy.
Fran: I don't wanna be happy. I wanna be married!


[trying to insult Mr. Sheffield]
Philippe: Your queen looks like a man.


Mr. Sheffield: Miss Fine, what are you doing here?
Fran: Well, I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room and I figured... I should be part of it.


Niles: Miss Fine and Miss Babcock walking arm in arm. Isn't that one of the biblical signs of the apocalypse?


Fran: You're pretty cocky for a tall, handsome, rich charming guy.


Niles: Good things come to those who wait, unless they wait too long and they slip through their namby-pamby fingers.


Fran: Honey, as long as *I* am living under *your* roof you will do as I say.


[Fran and Sylvia are held hostage by a bank robber]
Sylvia: He's not wearing a ring!
Fran: Ma, he's a thief!
Sylvia: [emphatically] Who'll be worth *millions* in a few minutes.


Sylvia: Do I smell banana fritters with fresh fruit compote?
Niles: No.
Sylvia: Could I?


Val: The bank robber took your mother.
Fran: Oh, my god! That poor man!


C.C.: Let go of me you old...
Niles: All right but I just...
[C.C. walks out of the kitchen and into the dining room - we here a blood curdling scream]
Niles: ... waxed the floor.


Sylvia Fine: I'm having palpitations! QUICK! GET ME MY MEDICINE!
Fran: [running to the fridge and returning with chocolate syrup]


[after Fran's fiancé kisses C.C]
Niles: Did Caca do a no-no in the kitchen?


[after spraying Maxwell's leather couch]
Niles: I couldn't resist the infomercial, sir. "Unwanted dirt just slides right off!"
[C.C. slips off the chair]
Niles: And voila!


Sylvia Fine: Yetta! These aren't Fran's children! Fran doen't have any children! She's not married, SHE'S ALL ALONE!
Fran: Louder, Ma, I don't think they heard you IN URUGUAY!


C.C.: Do you know what makes me feel better when I'm sad?
Fran: A fifth of scotch and a pack of batteries?


Grandma Eloise: [to C.C] Are you single by choice?
Niles: Yes, but not hers.


[Fran and C.C. are trapped in the Sheffield's wine cellar and C.C. is forced to have Fran do her hair and nails]
Fran: [doing a harassed-looking C.C.'s nails] Mint Chocolate Chip, Jamocha Almond Fudge, Pralines and Cream... That's it. That's 30.
[Gasp]
Fran: Oh my God, they lied! 30's a lot. Was 31 so catchy? Wait a minute. I forgot the Sherbert. All right. I'll start again. Vanilla...
C.C.: STOP IT!


Grace 'Gracie' Sheffield: Look Fran, giant Barbie Dolls.
Fran: No Honey, these toys are for boys.


C.C.: Maxwell, I'm an important part of this team.
Niles: That's true sir, that couch would be floating all around if she weren't here to weigh it down.


Max: I'm going to ask Fran to sign a prenuptial agreement.
Niles: [deadpan] Why don't you just walk through downtown Iraq dressed like Uncle Sam. It'll be quicker.


[C.C. sees Maxwell's new girlfriend who is just like Fran]
C.C.: Good God. It's multiplying.


Max: [Brighton has asked to go to Atlantic City, and has pitted Max and Fran against each other by saying that Max doesn't respect her opinion] I am his father!
Fran: Well, what am I?
Max: You're the nanny!
Fran: [gasps] You called me the "N" word! Did you head that, Niles?
Niles: Do you get the house in the settlement?
Fran: Uh-huh!
Niles: [pops his head out from behind a wall] Every word!


Fran: As appealing as Hepatitis sounds, yellow's just not my color.


Max: [to Fran] Have you seen Gracie's Halloween costume? She looks a bit more like a trick than a treat.


Brighton Sheffield: Yeah, it just so happens that your voice carries.
Fran: To your bedroom?
Brighton Sheffield: To Michigan.


Fran: You shouldn't leave the house with things unresolved. That's why men die young.
Max: That's not why. Because they want to.


Fran: By the way, Niles, what is your family name?
Niles: It's just Niles... Like Cher.


Fran: You know, I've got half a mind...
Max: No argument there!


Max: [drinking a hangover-remedy] Urgh, Niles, it's far too early in the morning for something this repulsive.
Niles: [C.C. enters; Niles walks up to her] Mr. Sheffield wants you to go home and come back in an hour.


Max: [Niles is making Max look bad] Niles, why don't you close the window before your Christmas bonus flies out the window?


C.C.: [Max is hiring a female to promote him] Maxwell, I want a man!
Niles: The last one deflated when she nibbled at his ear.


C.C.: [to Niles] Don't you have something to dust?
Niles: How about the left side of your bed?


Max: Well, I've made up my mind. I can't risk Margaret spending her entire vacation kissing that boy... I'm sending her abroad.
Fran: A broad? Well, if you wanna swing her that way...


C.C.: Why don't you let me carry the tray up to Maxwell? No, I'll do it.
Niles: Fifty dollars. Why don't you just tell me how old you are then I'll let you do it.
C.C.: Seventy-five.
[meaning dollars]
Niles: Now was that so hard to admit?


Max: You are going to *rectify* this situation!
Fran: Wow, that sounds painful...


Max: [Fran is standing at the door, waiting for a celebrity she isn't allowed to meet] Miss Fine!
Fran: I'm seeing the children off to school.
Max: They left an hour ago!
Fran: It's a clear day, I can see forever.


Sylvia Fine: [Sylvia takes a picture of Niles cleaning the windows] Sorry, my girl doesn't do windows. I thought I'd show her it's not such a sin.
Niles: [as if suggesting they make love] Follow me into the kitchen... I'll clean behind the refrigerator.


Max: Where the devil is C.C.?
Niles: Well, Sir, it is raining outside... maybe she melted?
[pause]
Niles: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat and Chanel suit?


Brighton Sheffield: Oh, so you're pretending to be an actor?
Fran: No, you're thinking of Steven Seagal.


Fran: ["analyzing" Corbin Bernsen, the former star of L.A. Law] Well... I can tell you're not a lawyer...
Glen Mitchell: Why can't I be a lawyer?
Fran: Well, not in New York... maybe L.A.


C.C.: Me and Max have rented a cottage right by the lake.
Niles: How convenient, Sir, should you choose to drown yourself.


Fran: [referring to C.C] So, Niles... did you let "it" out?
Niles: Yes, and the villagers were not happy.
Share this quote
C.C.: I'll bet my reputation on it!
Niles: Sorry, there's a five dollar minimum.


C.C.: I could kill you... I could throw you down and rip out your heart!
Fran: [to Maxwell] She doesn't have a key to the house, does she?


Max: Niles, we're having company!
Niles: [to Fran] Thirty years and he still thinks company excites me.


Niles: [to C.C] Why can't you just be happy for me? I'm not used to being called Sir. You're used to it.


C.C.: Oh, it is so pathetic, Nanny Fine thinking she could win a kissing contest. I mean kissing is an art, it has to be sensuous, deeply felt, and most of all, spontaneous.
[C.C. kisses Niles]
Niles: Was it as bad for you as it was for me?


Fran: [looking for something in her purse] What's this? Oh, it's my shrink's bill... *boy* am I unhappy!


Sylvia Fine: Are you looking for something?
Fran: Yes!
Sylvia Fine: If she's three foot two and not a Jew, she's in there.
[points to bathroom]


Fran: [about Max] What are you listening to him for? He passed on Cats!
Max: It was about a bunch of pussy cats singing in a garbage can. What would you do?
Fran: Two words, Mr. Sheffield: still running.


C.C.: Well, if Doug is coming over tonight, I better go change!
Niles: [after C.C. leaves] And I thought she had to wait for a full moon...


Max: [after seeing Fran's cousin Ira's impersonation of Cher] Where was the last place HE passed for Cher, SEA WORLD?


Max: Accidents happen, you know.
Niles: [points at C.C] Exhibit A.


[Fran has accidentally run over a rabbit]
Max: It's not like rabbits are endangered species. All they do is mate.
Fran: Well, aint that nice. I killed an animal with a better social life than me.


Fran: I'll fight for all those small, defenseless creatures out there.
Niles: [points at C.C] Exhibit B.


Niles: [about a tupperware item] You put old bags in it. I'll give it to Mrs. Babcock, she's always wanted an office of her own.


Niles: Here you are, Sylvia. Pancakes, wafles and maple syrup.
Sylvia Fine: [about the syrup] Don't you have a light one?
Niles: Sylvia, the barn door is open and the horses have left the building.


Brighton Sheffield: Niles, this steak is tough.
Niles: So is life. Then you die


[the family is opening wedding presents]
Fran: Box from Tiffany's...
Fran, Sylvia Fine: [in unison] THEIR side.
[Fran opens the box and pulls out a blender]
Fran: Blender from Costco...
Fran, Sylvia Fine: [in unison] *OUR* side.


Sylvia Fine: Major Nelson and Jeannie tied the knot.
Fran: If she had any commitment to that relationship, she would have given up her apartment.
Sylvia Fine: It was a bottle, they kept it on the mantle!


Fran: Niles, do I sound like I have a cold?
Niles: Constantly!


Fran: [about Max's childhood nanny, who is visiting] Meanwhile, she's scaring Gracie to death with those stories about that fat bear who can't even get through the door every time he has a decent meal.
Max: Are you talking about Winnie The Pooh?
Fran: Yeah, him. And who in his right mind would call a boy Winnie, let alone The Pooh?
Max: Most children love those stories!
Fran: Far be it for me to poo-poo the Pooh.



(imdb.com)