Okay first, let me tell you:
DUDEEEE!
Your life truly sucks.
And second:
Welcome!
You are in the right place. Now sit down and grab some salt.
Here are some examples to follow from the people who know how to deal with crappy situations the best. Just choose the profile that fits you the best.
FIRST PROFILE:
You are a strong person, who doesn’t really like chick flick moments or to show your emotions, but that, in reality, is as cute as a teddy bear (that sometimes gets pissed off) can be?
Well then, lucky you! You are just like Dean and you have a kick-ass personality!
You are really in love with your car, and that’s kind of awesome, since driving a car is a great way of clearing your mind. So since you aren’t the biggest planes fan, you should drive and drive on your car. And don’t worry about the gasoline price or something like that [it’s not like there’s a oil war out there, and those things are overrated anyways], that’s why the fake credit cards exist.
You might get a bit tired of the driving, though (yep, that happens to the best ones, no need to be ashamed). So if that happens, just rent a motel room and make sure that it comes with a vibrating massage bed (you may need a lot of coins for this one). Yes, I know how bad that sounds, but there’s no need to be shy. Also, you will be alone in the room. Who do you think it can be there anyways, your brother? Yea, right. Like he doesn’t have a life of his own. *insert sarcasm note here*
BUT, if your bother is in the room with you for some creepy or supernatural reason, make sure you make as much fun as you can of him. That will make you happy as hell, I promise. Also, there’s nothing wrong in using his laptop and go visit some cool websites like bustyasianbeauties.com. You would be doing him a favor, if you ask me. He needs to learn something about real life (so yea, make sure to update his internet favorites). You can also get a myspace, I heard that women dig that (Note to yourself: learn what the hell a myspace is).
You don’t wanna be closed in a strange and cheap motel room forever, so get out and have some fun. Meet new people. And by people I mean women and by meeting I mean getting laid; but it’s all the same right? Just be reaaaally careful with the type of women you meet; some of them can be very sneaky and steal a hand of your pocket without you even noticing, literally (again, don’t feel bad if that happens, at least she was willing to have animal sex with you).
Just drink some purple nipple shots and you’ll be fine.
Of course all this epic journey should be taken with some old school rock cassettes and pie (LOTS of pie). I heard that mumbling Metallica it’s a really good way of calming down. And pie it’s just good for your health.
Most of all, don’t forget to have FUN! Go visit some cool places like Hollywood. Who knows, you can even bang Paris Hilton (or make sure you kill her, so she can’t ruin some random epic tv show – that would be kind of awesome).
Just make sure you be careful, you don’t wanna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot. So stay away from crossroads, okay?
Final advice: Helping friends is awesome, and you are an amazing friend. Just make sure you don’t help them too much, or you might end up in jail.
And remember, you are awesome. And adorable.
SECOND PROFILE:
You are smart, open-minded, generous and you don’t like when people mess with your stuff? Nobody ever gets your intelligence? Aww well, aren’t you a cutie pie! You are just like Sam.
People don’t exactly understand/appreciate your smartness (yea, being smart hurts sometimes), so maybe that means it’s time to spread your horizons and meet new people. Just be cautious about who you meet, you don’t wanna ending up sleeping with someone *really* hairy who can bite (trust me when I tell you that those aren’t the type of bites you’re looking for) or someone who keeps offering you some weird red bloody thing to drink.
If you can’t find someone under those conditions, no worries. Usually even the cheapest motels have porn channels, so It’s all good.
You should go out more often, but you also need to collaborate. If you go to a Halloween party, make sure you go dressed up in some costume [SUIT UP!]. You can’t go dressed up as yourself – UNLESS you are really hot; in that case you should UNdressed up and use just a towel around your waist (but I highly doubt that’s your case).
And to be the spirit [lol, excuse my choice of words] of the party you just need to charm people with some of your talents, like fairy tales and a couple of magic tricks. That will totally blow them away; I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them become speechless after that.
You can also invite people for some Pictionary game, because your draws are always so awesome!
If after all of that, you still don’t have some friends; damn those people seriously have issues. And who better to acknowledge their pain than you?
....
Yea, I thought so.
This means it’s time to start giving hugs. Show those people that you are there for them, in the end they are just brave little soldiers, too precious for this world.
....
Didn’t work?
Oh well, I’m not a freaking Angel, so don’t expect miracles.
And who needs friends anyways? Don’t you have a brother or something? That will do.
Also, here’s some good news: you don’t need anybody to get drunk.
Just make sure you don’t drink too much, otherwise, you will end up the night hugged to a toilet.
Final advice: Be careful while you sleep. Not everybody is nice like you, so be alert or you might wake up with some spoon in your mouth. Also, watch where you walk on, you don’t want to lose a shoe or something.
Make sure you take this serious! It’s a very serious matter, we don’t have time for blah blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah, BLAH!
