Chapter 1: Douchebag the Thief
"Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion.
Darkness falls… as the humans beg their King to save them; a noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard.
For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers.
But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the humans' most treasured relic – The Stick of Truth.
But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid before the Drow Elves can manipulate his mind, and use him to take the sacred relic from human hands.
For whomever controls the stick… controls the universe…"
_______________________________________________________________________________
That was how the legend should have gone; although, my… "predicted" arrival in South Park must have been muddled up somewhere along the lines for these Kingdoms, which I believe was caused by my tomboyish lifestyle and personality. The legend spoke of a "he", not a "she". The boys were looking for a male, and yet they had ended up with a female who acted male. But in the desperate times of war – despite this minor setback – I was still thrust into the boys' little game. They had no choice in the matter apparently, because I was their only hope of protecting the Stick of Truth, whether they really knew I wasn't a boy or not. I had been forced into a war that I hadn't even started, nor wanted to fight in.
Along with this war that was going on between the Drow Elves and the humans, I was still trying to figure out why my family had even moved to this quiet little mountain town. I remembered very little of where I came from before, or what my life was like before coming to South Park. It was just one problem after another for me. I was fighting two battles that I didn't even want to. One was over a stick. And the other was for the truth. And yet, if I hadn't joined in with the boys' game in the first place, I probably wouldn't have known the truth as to why I'd been moved here.
But there is still one question which I am sure weighs heavily on your mind right now, wanderer; did I manage to meet up to the expectations of the legend? Allow me to tell a tale – one which you may find interesting or boring – about the outcome of these two fights…
It all started on a fine sunny and snowy morning within the quiet little mountain town of South Park. Down a particular street, in a house that was right next door to the Stotch family, a MOOVIN van was parked outside of a large two bedroomed red house that had just been sold. MOOVIN men could be seen walking in and out of the front door in a bit of a hurry, carrying different shaped cardboard boxes to give to the family who had just moved in: my family…
A young man who was stood beside the stairs of the home, surrounded by more of the cardboard boxes that the men had already brought in previously, took a small square box from one of them, and silently watched as they left the house. The man placed this particular box on top of a small pile in front of him. This man was my Dad.
"Well, I think that's everything"
He then proceeded to walk over towards a young woman, who had just finished opening a large cardboard box on a larger pile than the one my Dad had originally been stood in front of, and gave her a heart-warming embrace, one that she was quick to return. And if you haven't worked out who the woman is yet, that's my Mom.
"We did it, hon! We're really moved in!"
And here is the part where you've started to wonder how I'm seeing this situation going on right now. Well, I'm hiding at the top of the stairs and watching this scene unfold from behind the banister. I have taken the liberty of spying on my parents when I'm not supposed to be around in order to eavesdrop on their conversations, since they are being very tight lipped about why we've moved here. They tend to reveal hints that I wouldn't usually catch if they knew I was present in the room, which suggests that they have been hiding something from me.
And if you're wondering why I sound older than I actually am, my parents have raised me to be mature beyond my years. In other words, they've made me into one of those smartass kids who always knows the answers to the teacher's questions in class.
But let's just flip back to my parents for a moment…
Kneeling down on the top stair, I slowly watched my parents pull apart from their little embrace, with my Dad smiling brightly and wrapping an arm around my Mom's shoulders.
"It's a new beginning for us! Things are finally going to be good!"
But that remark seemed to cause the smile on my Mom's face to suddenly drop, and instead be replaced by a look of concern.
"Do you really think it will be better for… her?"
And just as my parents both looked up towards the stairs, I took that as my cue to tip toe across the landing and back towards my new room, which conveniently was right next to the stairs anyway. Lucky me!
I quickly darted into my room and quietly shut the door behind me, pressing my ear up against the wood to continue hearing their conversation without being caught. Actually, I don't know why I didn't consider doing this in the first place. I'm a very awkward kid.
"They won't look for her here. We just need to make sure that she doesn't attract any attention. Come on. Let's see how she's doing"
Uh oh. Well, at least they didn't know I was eavesdropping a moment ago, right?
The minute my Dad had finished talking to my Mom, I was quick to dart towards the large oval wooden mirror that I had unpacked from the cardboard boxes placed in my room. I came to a sharp halt in front of it as I made sure I was fully dressed, because my parents originally believed that I was getting changed and whatnot to prepare for today. So I needed to make sure I looked somewhat neat and tidy. Somewhat. I wasn't a big fan of cleanliness and neatness anyway, which for a girl sounds odd, doesn't it?
As I mentioned before, I was a tomboy. My clothes didn't match that of what the average nine year old girl should be wearing. I was more into boy's clothing. Instead of wearing a pink or purple scarf, I was wearing black. Instead of wearing a girly like jacket and t-shirt, I was wearing a red and grey styled boy's jacket and t-shirt respectively, which were quite baggy on me. The same went with my trousers and shoes, both of which were coloured black too, like my scarf.
And I bet you've guessed that my hair is short so that it is styled like a boy's as well, right? Well, if you did, you're wrong. My hair was shoulder length, just like any ordinary girl's hair. I preferred to keep it long rather than cut it short. But if it was cut short, I would probably pass off as a boy easily. What I didn't understand was why my hair was coloured blonde. Neither of my parents had blonde hair, so I do kind of find that a little strange. Then again, I am a strange child. A very strange child…
There was only one thing that I kind of remember from my old town, and that was that I never hung around with girls. Ever. I was mostly friends with boys, particularly this one boy who I can't quite remember the name of. The boys in my old town though were more accepting of girls hanging around with the opposite gender, and vice versa. This town however… Well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
The minute I heard the knock on my bedroom door, I jumped from fright and randomly moved to the middle of my room for… no reason whatsoever. Yeah, I tend to panic quite a lot too…
"Sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?"
My Mom's muffled voice had clearly rung out from the other side of the door, yet I didn't answer. I'd taken the liberty of purposely not speaking to my parents and acting mute around them because they were hiding secrets from me, so I was hoping that this little act of mine would eventually make them come clean about why we really moved to South Park.
There was a moment of silence between the three of us before my bedroom door was finally pushed open. Both my parents came walking into the room, pausing a little way away from the doorway as they made eye contact with me. My Dad decided to speak up this time.
"Hey Verity. How do you like your new room?"
In response to this, I just casually glanced to the left and right to show them that I seemed quite interested in the amount of space in here. Yet that didn't stop my Dad from talking…
"I know it's a big change for all of us, but… Verity, do you remember why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?"
A silent blink was all I gave him to answer his question, along with a quizzical tilt of my head to the left to display some form of confusion at what he'd just asked. Another thing to point out is that my parents are terrible whisperers. Because I could clearly hear them say the following as they leaned in towards each other before continuing on with our discussion:
"She doesn't remember"
"She doesn't remember at all"
"That's good! That's good! She doesn't remember!"
And then my Mom awkwardly cleared her throat to start talking to me again. I swear, my parents think I'm so innocent. Ha. They have no idea…
"Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"
"Right, get outside and play, Verity, like… like normal kids"
I sometimes feel like my Dad thinks I'm weird, especially when he says things like that as a comment.
My Dad was smiling happily now as my Mom added on one last piece of information for me before I decided to leave.
"We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just… be back before it gets dark"
Once again, I didn't really say anything to them. I didn't even nod to acknowledge that I'd heard them either. I just stood there, like a zombie, and did nothing. This seemed to annoy my Dad because the final thing he said as they left the room sounded very sarcastic.
"Yeah, we love you too!"
And then the door was slammed shut, whether it was an accident or on purpose however I didn't know. My Dad can be a real asshole sometimes. I love to see him annoyed though. It's funny!
So after going downstairs and grabbing the money from the kitchen counter, I was quick to head through the living room and towards the front door, slowly heading out into the town that has now become my new home. Honestly, I didn't really feel like leaving the house. I wasn't in a "social" mood, but knowing my Dad he'd force me out anyway. Because that's how he is.
As I gently shut the front door behind me, yanking up the hood of my jacket over my face as I did so, I shivered a little at the cold wind that decided to brush past me at that very moment. I don't understand how these people can live in such cold conditions up here. Then again, they've probably come to adapt to it over time. It was still too chilly for my liking though.
Stuffing my hands into the pockets of my jacket, I decided to remain on my doorstep for now and just survey most of the street I was in from where I was standing, mainly because I couldn't be arsed to move. The street at this moment in time seemed pretty abandoned. There were no signs of any life walking around, besides the ones that were occasionally passing by in cars and whatnot. I guess this is why they called it a quiet little mountain town…
I was starting to figure that maybe I should move from my home and try to search for some "friends" so that my Dad wouldn't bug me later, yet I hesitated. Could these mountain folks come to accept someone like me in their town? Obviously, I didn't know. Yet I was too scared to find out. I may not care about what people think of me, but at the same time it's still quite frightening to think of what would happen if I was seen as an outcast. No one likes to be on their own, right?
And yet, as I continued to debate with myself over whether I should move or not, something was quick to catch my eye, rather someone… There were two of them stood over by the house next door to mine on the left; a blonde boy around my age wearing a weird costume of some sort, and another boy with brown hair who looked like an… elf? What? But that wasn't the strangest part. I could see them fighting and shouting from where I was stood, their voices loud and clear.
"You shall die by my warhammer, Drow Elf!"
"Nu-uh!"
The wooden sword that the elf boy appeared to be wielding quickly clashed with the hammer tool the blonde boy was holding to defend himself. This had suddenly intrigued my interest. Drow Elf? So the boy was an elf?
I took this opportunity to slowly creep closer, my feet silently tip toeing across the snow of my front yard and towards the large snowman placed near my garage. I crouched down and intently watched as the two continued to fight, listening carefully to their shouting.
"I banish thee to the forest realm!"
"No way, I banished you first!"
I couldn't quite tell if this was a game they were playing, or one was bullying the other. But suddenly, the blonde boy stumbled back clumsily after another attempt at an attack from the elf boy, suddenly looking quite weary. The elf boy laughed in his face victoriously.
"Ha ha! You can't hold out for much longer!"
The blonde boy was quick to look around the area and start to shout out for help pleadingly, giving into and believing the elf boy's words.
"HELP! SOMEBODY! I can't hold out much longer!"
The elf boy suddenly charged forward again, smacking his sword hard against the blonde boy's hammer, knocking him down onto his butt and starting to smack him around the face.
"HHHHHEEEEELLLLPPPP!"
"Heeeeeellllllppp!"
The minute the second voice rang in my head, a voice which had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, I flinched and grunted in discomfort. What was that? I was feeling a sudden sense of déjà vu. How strange… But I guess it was that sense of déjà vu that made me act upon the current situation.
"Ow, ow! Ouch!"
Without warning, I charged out of my hiding place like a bull having just seen the colour red and dashed towards the fighting pair, putting on a threatening and deep voice to match the angry glare on my face. This was something I did a lot when I involved myself in such situations, especially if I wanted to keep my real identity anonymous. I wasn't one to allow others to get hurt like this, game or not.
"Get off him, fucker!"
And as the elf boy had quickly paused with his assault to turn around and look for the source of the voice, my left fist connected with the left side of his face. Grunting in pain, the elf boy suddenly stumbled backwards as he tried to regain his balance, allowing the blonde boy enough time to quickly scramble to his feet and back up in surprise at my actions. The elf boy, having now regained his composure, looked annoyed at my interference.
"Hey, no fair! That's cheating! I'm going to tell my mom!"
And continuing to stare angrily after him, I silently watched as the elf boy made a quick getaway, deciding to keep to his word for now. Tch. Little coward! All I did was punch him! How is that cheating when he was slapping the little blonde boy with a wooden sword?!
Speaking of the little blonde boy… My gaze silently switched to him as he calmed down from his small ordeal, putting away his hammer within his costume and slowly moving so that he was now stood in front of me.
"Thanks, kid. I didn't realise he had a health potion"
A small confused frown had come to my face then as he had said "health potion", which confirmed my suspicions of this whole thing actually being a game, yet I tried to keep casual and continue along with my "other identity" gag. As much as I didn't want to lie to this boy about who I really was, I had no other choice. I didn't want to reveal my true self yet, not until I knew what the people of this town were really like. Then I'd know if they'd judge me for being a tomboy, which meant I had to keep up the deep voice…
"Er… Sure, dude. Whatever"
I gave a casual shrug afterwards to give myself a laidback kind of persona for him to see, almost as if I was used to this kind of thing happening on a daily basis. The boy carefully put a hand to his chest then, stuttering a bit as he did so once he continued talking.
"My- My name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin"
A what?
Of course, I didn't have time to try to work out what he meant- rather what Butters meant anyway, because he was already pointing towards the house that was next door to mine. Butters? What a strange name…
"I live right next door to you! We should be friends!"
And a small smile appeared on his face then as he finished, seeming happy and high spirited now. And this is where my guilt kicked in, but once again I just went along with it. Nothing bad about agreeing to be someone's friend, right? Especially since this kid seems like he doesn't have many people to actually call "friends".
"Again dude, whatever. I honestly ain't fussed. You seem like an okay kid, anyway"
"Great! Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival!"
Now this had caught me off guard. A confused eyebrow was raised on my behalf as I gave Butters a quizzical look.
"… Wizard King? Talking about my arrival? Dude, what are you talking about?"
Butters, by this time, had already turned around and started walking off away from me, stopping a small distance away and pointing towards said house with a gloved hand.
"Follow me and you'll see! The wizard lives this way, in the green house, over there"
I could only watch on in confusion as Butters had continued to walk on, staying as still as a statue. I had no idea what mess I had just gotten myself into. Wizard King? Expected arrivals? Drow Elf? Paladin? Just… what was this?! Game of Thrones?! Of course, I knew now that I had already dug myself in too deep in the ditch I found myself standing in, especially with all this confusion. My curiosity was mostly getting the better of me. I wanted to know what was up with this "expected arrival" of mine, and what the heck was going on with these people in this town.
So, with a quiet sigh, I silently followed after Butters across the snow of the front yards and towards the green house he'd pointed out earlier. And just when I thought this couldn't get any worse, Butters decided to let his own curiosity get the better of him about my life…
"Hey, where are you from?"
"Don't wanna talk about it"
"Where'd you live before moving here?"
"As I said before, don't wanna talk about it"
"Do you like Colorado?"
"Er… Sure, it's okay, I guess"
"Why are you wearing your hood like that?"
"Because I am"
I was slowly wanting to smack my head into a wall at this point, because Butters would not shut up with the questions. And although I needed to act normal and casual around him, I didn't need this many questions being flung into my face. He'd suddenly gone from an okay kid to an annoying little shit. But I didn't bug him about it, because, assumingly, he was only asking these questions to get to know me better.
As the two of us stopped in front of the house that had a banner with "Kupa Keep" taped to the fence, fuelling my confusion and curiosity further, Butters decided to make a random comment as he knocked hard on the front door once, turning to face me stood behind him away from the steps.
"You don't talk much, do ya?"
I gave a casual shrug at that, keeping up my male act really well (in my opinion anyway).
"Nah"
"That's okay. I can talk enough for the both of us!"
'Please don't…'
I kept that thought to myself as the door to the house suddenly opened, revealing another boy around my age in a weird wizard costume and carrying a wooden staff. He seemed to be quite chubby, or at least chubbier than me and Butters anyway…
Butters moved down the steps then to stand beside me as the boy made himself known, holding his hands in the air in order to praise him.
"All hail the Grand Wizard!"
Ah. So this was the Wizard King, huh? He doesn't look so grand to me, in all honesty, let alone like a figure of authority…
His gaze was quick to turn to me after Butters gave him his respect and acknowledgement.
"Ah, you are the new kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King"
I didn't know if it was appropriate for me to speak at this time, considering I was really awkward with this whole game thing right now, so I decided to remain silent and only speak when I was supposed to. After all, I don't want to disrespect the King, do I? Yet, I still found it strange how the kids of South Park seemed to know a new kid was already in town, but luckily for me they didn't seem to have any idea as to my true identity. Seems like I've gotten away with this pretty well.
The Wizard King still continued to speak.
"But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom"
And before I had time to process what was going on, Butters had already shoved me forward roughly up the steps and after the Wizard King into his home, quickly shutting the door behind us as he went. I had to bite back a gasp of shock in order to keep myself composed. Everything was going too fast for me.
But when I found I was standing in the living room of this boy's house, I noticed that the layout was a lot similar to mine. The only difference was that they didn't have a table in front of the sofa, and the walls and floor were of different colours. I noticed a young woman was seated on the sofa as I slowly followed after Butters and wizard boy through the living room, hearing her make a remark towards wizard boy in particular about my presence.
"Oh, who's your new friend, Eric?"
"Shut up, mom. Not now"
This caused me to blink in surprise. Why was this kid being rude to his own mother? There was no need for that. Then again, I briefly remember having a similar problem with my Dad back in our old town. I can't recall what it was even about though.
Either way, I continued to follow "Eric" (Still gonna call him "wizard boy". It sounds better) through the living room, the kitchen, and then out into the back garden with Butters still following behind me. When I was finally stood in the doorway, wizard boy opened out his arms wide to introduce me to his… "kingdom".
"Welcome… to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!"
I honestly didn't know how to react to what I saw. This "kingdom" was made up of a large rock with a sign stuck next to it saying "Rock of Insanity". Next to that, was a small fenced off area with "Stables" next to it. Inside there, was a small grey cat and a brown haired boy who… had his tongue sticking out? Erm… Weird…
To the right of there, another boy with brown hair wearing a knight outfit was stood in front of what I guessed was some "medieval stall" that had various items scattered around on a table, and inside of a bin. But what caught my attention first was the cardboard cut-out of the front of a castle stuck at the other end of the garden on either side of a tent. Standing in front of that was some blonde haired girl- Wait, girl? They accept girls in here?
That's what I thought at first anyway. It was hard to tell from where I was standing, considering they outfit this kid was wearing was… very strange. I could see an orange hoodie jacket underneath that princess getup. Huh…
Wizard boy started giving me introductions to the people currently stood within his garden, firstly leading me towards the stall.
"Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a Level 14 Warrior"
Warrior? Level 14? They're even doing levels? Damn. These kids pay good attention to detail, don't they?
Wizard boy then walked over towards the "stables", expecting me to follow suit with Butters, which I did.
"Here you can see our massive stables, overseen by the Level 9 Ranger, Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes"
I nearly snorted when I heard the word "massive". Those stables aren't massive, mate! Or rather, "stable". But then I frowned in confusion at the Ranger's, or Scott's, "power". Diabetes isn't a power, last time I checked, so… What's up with that?
Then finally, I was led over towards the supposed princess looking kid by wizard boy, who went into a little bit more detail in description than the other two before them.
"And here, of course, is the breath-taking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom"
But then he was quick to lean forward towards me and lower his voice slightly.
"Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now…"
Ah. I get it now. This "princess" is a boy dressed up as a girl. I knew this was too good to be true. Looks like the boys and girls here don't mingle after all. There go my hopes; blown into the wind…
After moving away from Princess Kenny, wizard boy took his place in front of the large grey tent, with Butters on his right side and the princess on his left. Up until now I was… fairly surprised with what I had seen. These kids sure did have a lot more imagination compared to the ones back in my old town. Yet that still didn't solve the mystery as to how they knew about me. And the only I'm going to get answers is if I stick around and play their little game. It looks like I don't have much choice… They seem to believe that I'm a boy, so I'd better continue to keep up the act just in case. Don't want to let anything slip.
For a moment, it seemed wizard boy had left me to my own devices, so I decided to use this opportunity to go and speak with the Ranger and Warrior, Scott and Clyde. Perhaps they can tell me what's going on…
I headed towards Clyde first. At the moment, he appeared to be "polishing" his wooden sword with a piece of white cloth. Perfect.
"Hey, Clyde was it? What's going on here? What's up with this "game" and… stuff?"
When he turned to look up at me, he didn't stop wiping the sword.
"You may have heard of my deeds at the Battle of Stark's Pond"
This caused me to frown in confusion then. That didn't answer my question. I have to admit though, he sounds slightly monotone.
"… Erm… What?"
But then Clyde leaned in closer towards me, still wiping the sword over with the cloth. Wow. He's a good multitasker. He lowered his voice a tad.
"That's the line the Grand Wizard gave me… Sorry, but the Grand Wizard told me to stick to the script"
Darn. So wizard boy had them acting their parts out well, did he? Looks like I can't get answers out of Clyde. Maybe I should try asking Scott instead.
Acting on my idea, I slowly went over to Scott, who was still standing in the fenced up area and scooping up the cat's poop from the sand. Well…
"Psst! Hey! Scott? Can you tell me what's going on here? I'm confused as heck"
He paused for a moment in his job as he also quoted something that wizard boy probably made him say.
"My loyalty is as incurable as my diabetes"
Does wizard boy have a problem with diabetic people or something?
I sighed heavily out of annoyance, still sticking to my act.
"Let me guess… You have to stick to the script too, huh?"
"The power of diabetes is both a gift and a curse. But mostly a curse"
This caused my frown of annoyance to deepen.
"Yup. I'll take that as a 'yes'…"
But then Scott quickly leaned in closer to me to explain his side of this situation.
"The Grand Wizard withholds snacks if we go off script"
"Stick to your lines! No talking, Scott!"
Well, that failed miserably. I guess wizard boy is the only one here who holds the answers. I think it's about time I asked him for answers.
After making my way over to him, I silently stood in front of wizard boy with my hands in my pockets until he decided to offer an explanation into my "destined" arrival. He didn't say anything at first, so I decided to be brave and prompt an answer out of him.
"Okay, Grand Wizard, thanks for giving me the tour and all, but would you care to explain to me why I'm here? Why have you sought me out?"
Wizard boy seemed to be quick to answer at that. See. Prompting works.
"You have been sought out, new kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited"
"Pfft! Sure!"
He didn't seem to be fazed by such a remark. He continued on regardless.
"It's time for your first quest, but first – please tell us thy name"
Ha! Too easy! I remember the name I always put up as my real one. This should be a snap…
Grinning in a cheeky manner from underneath my hood, as you do, I placed my hand to my chest.
"Victor, Grand Wizard, just Victor"
"Douchebag? That's your name, right?"
I raised my eyebrow at him in confusion. That's not what I said.
"No. It's Victor"
"Very well, Douchebag"
Is this kid looking for a punch in the face? But I considered that maybe arguing with fatso here wasn't such a clever idea, so I merely fell silent and sweatdropped in dismay at my new "name". It could be worse. They could have worked out who I really was!
"You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew. Which one will you choose?"
Wait… Jew? Did he just say-? Never mind. I'm not even going to question his logic. It's best I don't. So I have to choose a class, huh? Thinking this through carefully, a thief does sound like the type of role for me, especially since I can properly keep my true identity concealed.
"I choose a thief"
"Very well then!"
Butters gave me a small smile of happiness as wizard boy went on, holding out a hand towards me, which I reluctantly shook with my own that I removed from my pocket temporarily. Butters quickly followed up his welcoming with a small cheer of congratulations.
"We welcome to our kingdom, Douchebag the Thief!"
"Hooray!"
"Now, please go to the weapon shop. Procure yourself a weapon, and we shall teach you how to fight!"
And it was at this point that I began to question my sanity of this situation, and also what I had just gotten myself into. If only I had known at the time that this decision was probably one of the best ones I would ever make in my life…
"Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion.
Darkness falls… as the humans beg their King to save them; a noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard.
For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers.
But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the humans' most treasured relic – The Stick of Truth.
But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid before the Drow Elves can manipulate his mind, and use him to take the sacred relic from human hands.
For whomever controls the stick… controls the universe…"
_______________________________________________________________________________
That was how the legend should have gone; although, my… "predicted" arrival in South Park must have been muddled up somewhere along the lines for these Kingdoms, which I believe was caused by my tomboyish lifestyle and personality. The legend spoke of a "he", not a "she". The boys were looking for a male, and yet they had ended up with a female who acted male. But in the desperate times of war – despite this minor setback – I was still thrust into the boys' little game. They had no choice in the matter apparently, because I was their only hope of protecting the Stick of Truth, whether they really knew I wasn't a boy or not. I had been forced into a war that I hadn't even started, nor wanted to fight in.
Along with this war that was going on between the Drow Elves and the humans, I was still trying to figure out why my family had even moved to this quiet little mountain town. I remembered very little of where I came from before, or what my life was like before coming to South Park. It was just one problem after another for me. I was fighting two battles that I didn't even want to. One was over a stick. And the other was for the truth. And yet, if I hadn't joined in with the boys' game in the first place, I probably wouldn't have known the truth as to why I'd been moved here.
But there is still one question which I am sure weighs heavily on your mind right now, wanderer; did I manage to meet up to the expectations of the legend? Allow me to tell a tale – one which you may find interesting or boring – about the outcome of these two fights…
It all started on a fine sunny and snowy morning within the quiet little mountain town of South Park. Down a particular street, in a house that was right next door to the Stotch family, a MOOVIN van was parked outside of a large two bedroomed red house that had just been sold. MOOVIN men could be seen walking in and out of the front door in a bit of a hurry, carrying different shaped cardboard boxes to give to the family who had just moved in: my family…
A young man who was stood beside the stairs of the home, surrounded by more of the cardboard boxes that the men had already brought in previously, took a small square box from one of them, and silently watched as they left the house. The man placed this particular box on top of a small pile in front of him. This man was my Dad.
"Well, I think that's everything"
He then proceeded to walk over towards a young woman, who had just finished opening a large cardboard box on a larger pile than the one my Dad had originally been stood in front of, and gave her a heart-warming embrace, one that she was quick to return. And if you haven't worked out who the woman is yet, that's my Mom.
"We did it, hon! We're really moved in!"
And here is the part where you've started to wonder how I'm seeing this situation going on right now. Well, I'm hiding at the top of the stairs and watching this scene unfold from behind the banister. I have taken the liberty of spying on my parents when I'm not supposed to be around in order to eavesdrop on their conversations, since they are being very tight lipped about why we've moved here. They tend to reveal hints that I wouldn't usually catch if they knew I was present in the room, which suggests that they have been hiding something from me.
And if you're wondering why I sound older than I actually am, my parents have raised me to be mature beyond my years. In other words, they've made me into one of those smartass kids who always knows the answers to the teacher's questions in class.
But let's just flip back to my parents for a moment…
Kneeling down on the top stair, I slowly watched my parents pull apart from their little embrace, with my Dad smiling brightly and wrapping an arm around my Mom's shoulders.
"It's a new beginning for us! Things are finally going to be good!"
But that remark seemed to cause the smile on my Mom's face to suddenly drop, and instead be replaced by a look of concern.
"Do you really think it will be better for… her?"
And just as my parents both looked up towards the stairs, I took that as my cue to tip toe across the landing and back towards my new room, which conveniently was right next to the stairs anyway. Lucky me!
I quickly darted into my room and quietly shut the door behind me, pressing my ear up against the wood to continue hearing their conversation without being caught. Actually, I don't know why I didn't consider doing this in the first place. I'm a very awkward kid.
"They won't look for her here. We just need to make sure that she doesn't attract any attention. Come on. Let's see how she's doing"
Uh oh. Well, at least they didn't know I was eavesdropping a moment ago, right?
The minute my Dad had finished talking to my Mom, I was quick to dart towards the large oval wooden mirror that I had unpacked from the cardboard boxes placed in my room. I came to a sharp halt in front of it as I made sure I was fully dressed, because my parents originally believed that I was getting changed and whatnot to prepare for today. So I needed to make sure I looked somewhat neat and tidy. Somewhat. I wasn't a big fan of cleanliness and neatness anyway, which for a girl sounds odd, doesn't it?
As I mentioned before, I was a tomboy. My clothes didn't match that of what the average nine year old girl should be wearing. I was more into boy's clothing. Instead of wearing a pink or purple scarf, I was wearing black. Instead of wearing a girly like jacket and t-shirt, I was wearing a red and grey styled boy's jacket and t-shirt respectively, which were quite baggy on me. The same went with my trousers and shoes, both of which were coloured black too, like my scarf.
And I bet you've guessed that my hair is short so that it is styled like a boy's as well, right? Well, if you did, you're wrong. My hair was shoulder length, just like any ordinary girl's hair. I preferred to keep it long rather than cut it short. But if it was cut short, I would probably pass off as a boy easily. What I didn't understand was why my hair was coloured blonde. Neither of my parents had blonde hair, so I do kind of find that a little strange. Then again, I am a strange child. A very strange child…
There was only one thing that I kind of remember from my old town, and that was that I never hung around with girls. Ever. I was mostly friends with boys, particularly this one boy who I can't quite remember the name of. The boys in my old town though were more accepting of girls hanging around with the opposite gender, and vice versa. This town however… Well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
The minute I heard the knock on my bedroom door, I jumped from fright and randomly moved to the middle of my room for… no reason whatsoever. Yeah, I tend to panic quite a lot too…
"Sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?"
My Mom's muffled voice had clearly rung out from the other side of the door, yet I didn't answer. I'd taken the liberty of purposely not speaking to my parents and acting mute around them because they were hiding secrets from me, so I was hoping that this little act of mine would eventually make them come clean about why we really moved to South Park.
There was a moment of silence between the three of us before my bedroom door was finally pushed open. Both my parents came walking into the room, pausing a little way away from the doorway as they made eye contact with me. My Dad decided to speak up this time.
"Hey Verity. How do you like your new room?"
In response to this, I just casually glanced to the left and right to show them that I seemed quite interested in the amount of space in here. Yet that didn't stop my Dad from talking…
"I know it's a big change for all of us, but… Verity, do you remember why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?"
A silent blink was all I gave him to answer his question, along with a quizzical tilt of my head to the left to display some form of confusion at what he'd just asked. Another thing to point out is that my parents are terrible whisperers. Because I could clearly hear them say the following as they leaned in towards each other before continuing on with our discussion:
"She doesn't remember"
"She doesn't remember at all"
"That's good! That's good! She doesn't remember!"
And then my Mom awkwardly cleared her throat to start talking to me again. I swear, my parents think I'm so innocent. Ha. They have no idea…
"Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"
"Right, get outside and play, Verity, like… like normal kids"
I sometimes feel like my Dad thinks I'm weird, especially when he says things like that as a comment.
My Dad was smiling happily now as my Mom added on one last piece of information for me before I decided to leave.
"We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just… be back before it gets dark"
Once again, I didn't really say anything to them. I didn't even nod to acknowledge that I'd heard them either. I just stood there, like a zombie, and did nothing. This seemed to annoy my Dad because the final thing he said as they left the room sounded very sarcastic.
"Yeah, we love you too!"
And then the door was slammed shut, whether it was an accident or on purpose however I didn't know. My Dad can be a real asshole sometimes. I love to see him annoyed though. It's funny!
So after going downstairs and grabbing the money from the kitchen counter, I was quick to head through the living room and towards the front door, slowly heading out into the town that has now become my new home. Honestly, I didn't really feel like leaving the house. I wasn't in a "social" mood, but knowing my Dad he'd force me out anyway. Because that's how he is.
As I gently shut the front door behind me, yanking up the hood of my jacket over my face as I did so, I shivered a little at the cold wind that decided to brush past me at that very moment. I don't understand how these people can live in such cold conditions up here. Then again, they've probably come to adapt to it over time. It was still too chilly for my liking though.
Stuffing my hands into the pockets of my jacket, I decided to remain on my doorstep for now and just survey most of the street I was in from where I was standing, mainly because I couldn't be arsed to move. The street at this moment in time seemed pretty abandoned. There were no signs of any life walking around, besides the ones that were occasionally passing by in cars and whatnot. I guess this is why they called it a quiet little mountain town…
I was starting to figure that maybe I should move from my home and try to search for some "friends" so that my Dad wouldn't bug me later, yet I hesitated. Could these mountain folks come to accept someone like me in their town? Obviously, I didn't know. Yet I was too scared to find out. I may not care about what people think of me, but at the same time it's still quite frightening to think of what would happen if I was seen as an outcast. No one likes to be on their own, right?
And yet, as I continued to debate with myself over whether I should move or not, something was quick to catch my eye, rather someone… There were two of them stood over by the house next door to mine on the left; a blonde boy around my age wearing a weird costume of some sort, and another boy with brown hair who looked like an… elf? What? But that wasn't the strangest part. I could see them fighting and shouting from where I was stood, their voices loud and clear.
"You shall die by my warhammer, Drow Elf!"
"Nu-uh!"
The wooden sword that the elf boy appeared to be wielding quickly clashed with the hammer tool the blonde boy was holding to defend himself. This had suddenly intrigued my interest. Drow Elf? So the boy was an elf?
I took this opportunity to slowly creep closer, my feet silently tip toeing across the snow of my front yard and towards the large snowman placed near my garage. I crouched down and intently watched as the two continued to fight, listening carefully to their shouting.
"I banish thee to the forest realm!"
"No way, I banished you first!"
I couldn't quite tell if this was a game they were playing, or one was bullying the other. But suddenly, the blonde boy stumbled back clumsily after another attempt at an attack from the elf boy, suddenly looking quite weary. The elf boy laughed in his face victoriously.
"Ha ha! You can't hold out for much longer!"
The blonde boy was quick to look around the area and start to shout out for help pleadingly, giving into and believing the elf boy's words.
"HELP! SOMEBODY! I can't hold out much longer!"
The elf boy suddenly charged forward again, smacking his sword hard against the blonde boy's hammer, knocking him down onto his butt and starting to smack him around the face.
"HHHHHEEEEELLLLPPPP!"
"Heeeeeellllllppp!"
The minute the second voice rang in my head, a voice which had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, I flinched and grunted in discomfort. What was that? I was feeling a sudden sense of déjà vu. How strange… But I guess it was that sense of déjà vu that made me act upon the current situation.
"Ow, ow! Ouch!"
Without warning, I charged out of my hiding place like a bull having just seen the colour red and dashed towards the fighting pair, putting on a threatening and deep voice to match the angry glare on my face. This was something I did a lot when I involved myself in such situations, especially if I wanted to keep my real identity anonymous. I wasn't one to allow others to get hurt like this, game or not.
"Get off him, fucker!"
And as the elf boy had quickly paused with his assault to turn around and look for the source of the voice, my left fist connected with the left side of his face. Grunting in pain, the elf boy suddenly stumbled backwards as he tried to regain his balance, allowing the blonde boy enough time to quickly scramble to his feet and back up in surprise at my actions. The elf boy, having now regained his composure, looked annoyed at my interference.
"Hey, no fair! That's cheating! I'm going to tell my mom!"
And continuing to stare angrily after him, I silently watched as the elf boy made a quick getaway, deciding to keep to his word for now. Tch. Little coward! All I did was punch him! How is that cheating when he was slapping the little blonde boy with a wooden sword?!
Speaking of the little blonde boy… My gaze silently switched to him as he calmed down from his small ordeal, putting away his hammer within his costume and slowly moving so that he was now stood in front of me.
"Thanks, kid. I didn't realise he had a health potion"
A small confused frown had come to my face then as he had said "health potion", which confirmed my suspicions of this whole thing actually being a game, yet I tried to keep casual and continue along with my "other identity" gag. As much as I didn't want to lie to this boy about who I really was, I had no other choice. I didn't want to reveal my true self yet, not until I knew what the people of this town were really like. Then I'd know if they'd judge me for being a tomboy, which meant I had to keep up the deep voice…
"Er… Sure, dude. Whatever"
I gave a casual shrug afterwards to give myself a laidback kind of persona for him to see, almost as if I was used to this kind of thing happening on a daily basis. The boy carefully put a hand to his chest then, stuttering a bit as he did so once he continued talking.
"My- My name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin"
A what?
Of course, I didn't have time to try to work out what he meant- rather what Butters meant anyway, because he was already pointing towards the house that was next door to mine. Butters? What a strange name…
"I live right next door to you! We should be friends!"
And a small smile appeared on his face then as he finished, seeming happy and high spirited now. And this is where my guilt kicked in, but once again I just went along with it. Nothing bad about agreeing to be someone's friend, right? Especially since this kid seems like he doesn't have many people to actually call "friends".
"Again dude, whatever. I honestly ain't fussed. You seem like an okay kid, anyway"
"Great! Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival!"
Now this had caught me off guard. A confused eyebrow was raised on my behalf as I gave Butters a quizzical look.
"… Wizard King? Talking about my arrival? Dude, what are you talking about?"
Butters, by this time, had already turned around and started walking off away from me, stopping a small distance away and pointing towards said house with a gloved hand.
"Follow me and you'll see! The wizard lives this way, in the green house, over there"
I could only watch on in confusion as Butters had continued to walk on, staying as still as a statue. I had no idea what mess I had just gotten myself into. Wizard King? Expected arrivals? Drow Elf? Paladin? Just… what was this?! Game of Thrones?! Of course, I knew now that I had already dug myself in too deep in the ditch I found myself standing in, especially with all this confusion. My curiosity was mostly getting the better of me. I wanted to know what was up with this "expected arrival" of mine, and what the heck was going on with these people in this town.
So, with a quiet sigh, I silently followed after Butters across the snow of the front yards and towards the green house he'd pointed out earlier. And just when I thought this couldn't get any worse, Butters decided to let his own curiosity get the better of him about my life…
"Hey, where are you from?"
"Don't wanna talk about it"
"Where'd you live before moving here?"
"As I said before, don't wanna talk about it"
"Do you like Colorado?"
"Er… Sure, it's okay, I guess"
"Why are you wearing your hood like that?"
"Because I am"
I was slowly wanting to smack my head into a wall at this point, because Butters would not shut up with the questions. And although I needed to act normal and casual around him, I didn't need this many questions being flung into my face. He'd suddenly gone from an okay kid to an annoying little shit. But I didn't bug him about it, because, assumingly, he was only asking these questions to get to know me better.
As the two of us stopped in front of the house that had a banner with "Kupa Keep" taped to the fence, fuelling my confusion and curiosity further, Butters decided to make a random comment as he knocked hard on the front door once, turning to face me stood behind him away from the steps.
"You don't talk much, do ya?"
I gave a casual shrug at that, keeping up my male act really well (in my opinion anyway).
"Nah"
"That's okay. I can talk enough for the both of us!"
'Please don't…'
I kept that thought to myself as the door to the house suddenly opened, revealing another boy around my age in a weird wizard costume and carrying a wooden staff. He seemed to be quite chubby, or at least chubbier than me and Butters anyway…
Butters moved down the steps then to stand beside me as the boy made himself known, holding his hands in the air in order to praise him.
"All hail the Grand Wizard!"
Ah. So this was the Wizard King, huh? He doesn't look so grand to me, in all honesty, let alone like a figure of authority…
His gaze was quick to turn to me after Butters gave him his respect and acknowledgement.
"Ah, you are the new kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King"
I didn't know if it was appropriate for me to speak at this time, considering I was really awkward with this whole game thing right now, so I decided to remain silent and only speak when I was supposed to. After all, I don't want to disrespect the King, do I? Yet, I still found it strange how the kids of South Park seemed to know a new kid was already in town, but luckily for me they didn't seem to have any idea as to my true identity. Seems like I've gotten away with this pretty well.
The Wizard King still continued to speak.
"But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom"
And before I had time to process what was going on, Butters had already shoved me forward roughly up the steps and after the Wizard King into his home, quickly shutting the door behind us as he went. I had to bite back a gasp of shock in order to keep myself composed. Everything was going too fast for me.
But when I found I was standing in the living room of this boy's house, I noticed that the layout was a lot similar to mine. The only difference was that they didn't have a table in front of the sofa, and the walls and floor were of different colours. I noticed a young woman was seated on the sofa as I slowly followed after Butters and wizard boy through the living room, hearing her make a remark towards wizard boy in particular about my presence.
"Oh, who's your new friend, Eric?"
"Shut up, mom. Not now"
This caused me to blink in surprise. Why was this kid being rude to his own mother? There was no need for that. Then again, I briefly remember having a similar problem with my Dad back in our old town. I can't recall what it was even about though.
Either way, I continued to follow "Eric" (Still gonna call him "wizard boy". It sounds better) through the living room, the kitchen, and then out into the back garden with Butters still following behind me. When I was finally stood in the doorway, wizard boy opened out his arms wide to introduce me to his… "kingdom".
"Welcome… to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!"
I honestly didn't know how to react to what I saw. This "kingdom" was made up of a large rock with a sign stuck next to it saying "Rock of Insanity". Next to that, was a small fenced off area with "Stables" next to it. Inside there, was a small grey cat and a brown haired boy who… had his tongue sticking out? Erm… Weird…
To the right of there, another boy with brown hair wearing a knight outfit was stood in front of what I guessed was some "medieval stall" that had various items scattered around on a table, and inside of a bin. But what caught my attention first was the cardboard cut-out of the front of a castle stuck at the other end of the garden on either side of a tent. Standing in front of that was some blonde haired girl- Wait, girl? They accept girls in here?
That's what I thought at first anyway. It was hard to tell from where I was standing, considering they outfit this kid was wearing was… very strange. I could see an orange hoodie jacket underneath that princess getup. Huh…
Wizard boy started giving me introductions to the people currently stood within his garden, firstly leading me towards the stall.
"Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a Level 14 Warrior"
Warrior? Level 14? They're even doing levels? Damn. These kids pay good attention to detail, don't they?
Wizard boy then walked over towards the "stables", expecting me to follow suit with Butters, which I did.
"Here you can see our massive stables, overseen by the Level 9 Ranger, Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes"
I nearly snorted when I heard the word "massive". Those stables aren't massive, mate! Or rather, "stable". But then I frowned in confusion at the Ranger's, or Scott's, "power". Diabetes isn't a power, last time I checked, so… What's up with that?
Then finally, I was led over towards the supposed princess looking kid by wizard boy, who went into a little bit more detail in description than the other two before them.
"And here, of course, is the breath-taking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom"
But then he was quick to lean forward towards me and lower his voice slightly.
"Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now…"
Ah. I get it now. This "princess" is a boy dressed up as a girl. I knew this was too good to be true. Looks like the boys and girls here don't mingle after all. There go my hopes; blown into the wind…
After moving away from Princess Kenny, wizard boy took his place in front of the large grey tent, with Butters on his right side and the princess on his left. Up until now I was… fairly surprised with what I had seen. These kids sure did have a lot more imagination compared to the ones back in my old town. Yet that still didn't solve the mystery as to how they knew about me. And the only I'm going to get answers is if I stick around and play their little game. It looks like I don't have much choice… They seem to believe that I'm a boy, so I'd better continue to keep up the act just in case. Don't want to let anything slip.
For a moment, it seemed wizard boy had left me to my own devices, so I decided to use this opportunity to go and speak with the Ranger and Warrior, Scott and Clyde. Perhaps they can tell me what's going on…
I headed towards Clyde first. At the moment, he appeared to be "polishing" his wooden sword with a piece of white cloth. Perfect.
"Hey, Clyde was it? What's going on here? What's up with this "game" and… stuff?"
When he turned to look up at me, he didn't stop wiping the sword.
"You may have heard of my deeds at the Battle of Stark's Pond"
This caused me to frown in confusion then. That didn't answer my question. I have to admit though, he sounds slightly monotone.
"… Erm… What?"
But then Clyde leaned in closer towards me, still wiping the sword over with the cloth. Wow. He's a good multitasker. He lowered his voice a tad.
"That's the line the Grand Wizard gave me… Sorry, but the Grand Wizard told me to stick to the script"
Darn. So wizard boy had them acting their parts out well, did he? Looks like I can't get answers out of Clyde. Maybe I should try asking Scott instead.
Acting on my idea, I slowly went over to Scott, who was still standing in the fenced up area and scooping up the cat's poop from the sand. Well…
"Psst! Hey! Scott? Can you tell me what's going on here? I'm confused as heck"
He paused for a moment in his job as he also quoted something that wizard boy probably made him say.
"My loyalty is as incurable as my diabetes"
Does wizard boy have a problem with diabetic people or something?
I sighed heavily out of annoyance, still sticking to my act.
"Let me guess… You have to stick to the script too, huh?"
"The power of diabetes is both a gift and a curse. But mostly a curse"
This caused my frown of annoyance to deepen.
"Yup. I'll take that as a 'yes'…"
But then Scott quickly leaned in closer to me to explain his side of this situation.
"The Grand Wizard withholds snacks if we go off script"
"Stick to your lines! No talking, Scott!"
Well, that failed miserably. I guess wizard boy is the only one here who holds the answers. I think it's about time I asked him for answers.
After making my way over to him, I silently stood in front of wizard boy with my hands in my pockets until he decided to offer an explanation into my "destined" arrival. He didn't say anything at first, so I decided to be brave and prompt an answer out of him.
"Okay, Grand Wizard, thanks for giving me the tour and all, but would you care to explain to me why I'm here? Why have you sought me out?"
Wizard boy seemed to be quick to answer at that. See. Prompting works.
"You have been sought out, new kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited"
"Pfft! Sure!"
He didn't seem to be fazed by such a remark. He continued on regardless.
"It's time for your first quest, but first – please tell us thy name"
Ha! Too easy! I remember the name I always put up as my real one. This should be a snap…
Grinning in a cheeky manner from underneath my hood, as you do, I placed my hand to my chest.
"Victor, Grand Wizard, just Victor"
"Douchebag? That's your name, right?"
I raised my eyebrow at him in confusion. That's not what I said.
"No. It's Victor"
"Very well, Douchebag"
Is this kid looking for a punch in the face? But I considered that maybe arguing with fatso here wasn't such a clever idea, so I merely fell silent and sweatdropped in dismay at my new "name". It could be worse. They could have worked out who I really was!
"You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew. Which one will you choose?"
Wait… Jew? Did he just say-? Never mind. I'm not even going to question his logic. It's best I don't. So I have to choose a class, huh? Thinking this through carefully, a thief does sound like the type of role for me, especially since I can properly keep my true identity concealed.
"I choose a thief"
"Very well then!"
Butters gave me a small smile of happiness as wizard boy went on, holding out a hand towards me, which I reluctantly shook with my own that I removed from my pocket temporarily. Butters quickly followed up his welcoming with a small cheer of congratulations.
"We welcome to our kingdom, Douchebag the Thief!"
"Hooray!"
"Now, please go to the weapon shop. Procure yourself a weapon, and we shall teach you how to fight!"
And it was at this point that I began to question my sanity of this situation, and also what I had just gotten myself into. If only I had known at the time that this decision was probably one of the best ones I would ever make in my life…
