Fred Sanford: Oh, this is the biggest one I ever had. You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you honey.
Fred Sanford: I ain't afraid to give you one across the lips.
Lamont Sanford: That's the way it used to be, Pop, now adays they give you one of them needles and you don't even know what hit you.
Fred Sanford: Oh, now I know I ain't going.
Lamont Sanford: Why not?
Fred Sanford: Are you kidding? A needle. I don't wanna get hooked on that stuff. It'd change me from Friendly Fred to Junkie Joe.
Fred Sanford: You just dumb, son. You just dumb.
Bubba: The characters on that show are a lot like you. There's the grouchy father, the dumb son, the ugly sister in-law and the stupid, bungling friend
[looks at Grady]
Grady: [sarcastically] Your too hard on yourself Bubba.
Lamont Sanford: You're a dirty old man ya know that?
Fred Sanford: And I'm gonna be one 'till I'm a dead old man.
Fred Sanford: I still want to sow some wild oats.
Lamont Sanford: At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat.
Fred Sanford: [Coughs violently] Smokin' less but enjoying it more.
[Lamont enters room]
Fred Sanford: Hey Lamont you bring me cigarettes?
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred Sanford: Cigarettes. Smokes. Did you get them?
Lamont Sanford: Did you hear yourself just now?
Fred Sanford: Yeah I asked if you brung me cigarettes.
Lamont Sanford: No I mean did you hear yourself coughing? I heard you a block away, it sounded like they was tearing up the streets.
Fred Sanford: We could have a little pork and beans now and a little zucchini later. Or a little zucchini now and a little pork and beans later. Or if you like the pork and beans, you can have them and I'll take the zucchini or I can take the pork and beans and you the zucchini so what will it be? Zucchini or pork and beans?
Lamont Sanford: The oven don't work.
Fred Sanford: Oh, in that case, we'll have some cold pork and beans now or...
Lamont Sanford: Would you stop that?
Lamont Sanford: Pop, since you was 10, you smoked a cigarette 41 miles long.
Fred Sanford: That's real super king sized ain't it?
Lamont Sanford: 41 miles. That's like you smoked a cigarette from here to Disneyland.
Fred Sanford: My name's Fred Sanford. That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period.
Fred Sanford: Now she's got TB.
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred Sanford: Terrific Body.
Melvin: Did you listen to your father?
Fred Sanford: Every time he raised that strap, he had my complete attention.
Fred Sanford: Tell him in Puerto Rican - "Goat-o, get out of el house-o."
Lamont Sanford: When a person has three heart attacks, he's dead. You had fifteen.
Aunt Esther: Who you calling ugly, sucker?
Fred Sanford: I'm calling you ugly, I could push your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies.
Fred Sanford: On behalf of Elizabeth, would you care for something to eat?
Aunt Esther: Oh I wouldn't mind a little snack.
Fred Sanford: Son, go in the kitchen and fix your Aunt Esther a fish-head sandwich!
Fred Sanford: Listen, Esther. In the first place, you can't enter that contest because your not eligible. See one of the things you have to be is a part of a certain race.
Woody Anderson: What race?
Fred Sanford: Human!
Fred Sanford: Goodbye, dear
Aunt Esther: Oh, you called me dear.
Fred Sanford: Why shouldn't I call you DEER? You look like Bambi's father!
Fred Sanford: All you got to do is enlist Esther in the Navy. And that way, you can have her face buried at sea!
Fred Sanford: For $500 dollars, I can turn Yewell Gibbons into a meatloaf freak!
Lamont Sanford: She's gonna be competing with her own peers.
Fred Sanford: Her Peers?
Lamont Sanford: Yes.
Fred Sanford: You mean Godzilla is in the contest?
Aunt Esther: What's wrong with my posture?
Fred Sanford: It's full of prune pits!
Fred Sanford: Polly-Esther - that's you. Half woman, half parrot!
Fred Sanford: Who is it?
Aunt Esther: It's Esther!
Fred Sanford: Esther who?
Aunt Esther: You know Esther who! Open this door fool!
Fred Sanford: I can't open the door!
Aunt Esther: Why not?
Fred Sanford: You too ugly!
Fred Sanford: [Officer Hopkins helps Grady inside] What's the matter, Grady?
Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: It's really nothing much to be concerned about, Mr. Sanford. He's merely experiencing a mild gastrointestinal imbalance precipitated by acute anti-gravitational pull in the lower abdominal cavity.
Grady Wilson: I gotta throw up!
Lamont Sanford: These two Russian seismologists said they've discovered a new fault.
Fred Sanford: Well what was wrong with the old one?
Lamont Sanford: They're predicting a massive earthquake on November 6.
Fred Sanford: November 6? That's only five days away!
Lamont Sanford: Don't worry about a thing, Pop, it's not possible.
Grady Wilson: Oh I beg to differ with you, Lamont. Today is November 1, and it's extremely possible that November 6 is only five days away.
Fred Sanford: Looky here. This is the bedroom.
[Slams door]
Fred Sanford: Second bedroom.
[Slams door]
Fred Sanford: Sun room.
[Slams door]
Fred Sanford: Bathroom.
Lamont Sanford: HEY!
Fred Sanford: Excuse me.
[Slams door]
Aunt Esther: I cant believe it, you with a mop in your hand? Its about time you faced up to this mess.
Fred Sanford: Speaking of facing up to this mess, who messed up this face.
Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, the wrath of God will strike you down.
Fred Sanford: And this Louisville slugger will knock you out.
Aunt Esther: Woodrow and I are going to have a baby.
Fred Sanford: Well somebody better call the zoo.
Fred Sanford: Ain't you got some work to do, Oleo?
Julio: The name is Julio, Mr. Stanford.
Fred Sanford: It's "Sanford", Julio.
Julio: Okay, then.
Fred Sanford: Why don't you clean your yard up? Go take a bath. Go milk your goat.
Julio: I did all that this morning, man.
Fred Sanford: Well, why don't you go back to Puerto Rico?
Julio: Mr. Sanford, I told you. I come from New York City. And I can live in any 50 states that I want.
Fred Sanford: Well, how about Alaska? That's a state.
Lamont Sanford: You know what they say, the truth will set you free.
Fred Sanford: Your uncle Edgar told the truth, and the judge gave him six months.
Fred Sanford: For a dummy, you make a lot of sense.
Grady Wilson: She can't stay here, because there isn't any room.
Aunt Esther: That's what they told the baby Jesus but they found him a place.
Grady Wilson: Okay, I'll build you a little manger out in the back yard and get you some sheep to sleep with.
Grady Wilson: Don't you go in my room by mistake, cause if I pull back them covers and see you I might have a stroke and die.
Grady Wilson: Fred told me to keep you out of this garden.
Aunt Esther: Oh he did huh?
Grady Wilson: Yea, Fred said just because he planted a garden of Eden, there was no reason to let the serpent in.
Aunt Esther: The next time you see that creep Woodrow, you tell him his behind is grass... and I am the lawnmower.
Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford why is it every time I come over to your house you call me ugly?
Fred Sanford: Because I'm not the type to lie.
[Referring to Donna and Esther, respectively]
Fred Sanford: Here are my two most favorite characters from a fairy tale: Beauty and the Beast.
[Fred comes home drunk]
Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, you just a messy fool.
Fred Sanford: And you just a sessy pool.
Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, you have been sinning and transgressing all your life. If the Lord wanted to strike you down, he'll find ya. Even if you were going to Las Vegas.
Aunt Esther: Today is my lucky day.
Fred Sanford: Why? Did you look at yourself in the mirror and it didn't break?
Julio: Buenos Dias, Mr. Sanford.
Fred Sanford: And beans and disease to you, too.
Desk Lady: Oh, you two live together?
Fred Sanford, Lamont Sanford: If you want to call it that.
[repeated line]
Fred Sanford: How would you like one across yo lip?
Desk Lady: Address?
Fred Sanford: 9114 South Central.
Desk Lady: Oh, that's in Watts?
Fred Sanford: It sure ain't Beverly Hills.
[repeated line]
Fred Sanford: You big dummy.
Lamont Sanford: [Lamont complains that Fred isn't a good businessman] A six-year-old does better business than you!
Fred Sanford: Well, pretty soon you won't have to deal with me any more, I'll be joinin' your mother, and you can get a six-year-old to replace me, and it won't be Sanford and Son anymore, it'll be Big Dummy and Little Dummy Inc!
Fred Sanford: [to Aunt Esther] I warn you, woman, vengeance is among me! And ugly is among you.
Fred Sanford: I think this guy was a Nazi, he started saying
[speaks fake German]
Fred Sanford: And Nazi's got those salutes, "Hi, Hitler!"
[pokes out arm and waves fingers]
Girl #1: [Fred has put up Lamont's room for rent while he's in Mexico. A pregnant woman knocks on his door to request the room] Hello!
Fred Sanford: [looks at her stomach] Hello to both of you.
[Lamont bought 2 coffins at an auction and is trying to convince Fred of their worth]
Lamont Sanford: C'mon pop, we're gonna make a killin' on these.
Fred Sanford: Well then why don't you make two killin's and get them outta here.
Fred Sanford: Oooo... Its the Big One... You hear that Elizabeth... I'm comin' to you, I'm comin' home to Georgia
Fred Sanford: I'm 65. People say I look 55. I feel 45. I'd settle for 35 and you make me feel 25.
Officer Swanhauser: Was the suspect colored?
Fred Sanford: Yeah, white.
Lamont Sanford: Do you read Ebony magazine?
Man: No.
Lamont Sanford: Why not? I read Life.
Lamont Sanford: This house was always damp, even my bed was damp.
Fred Sanford: Now you can't go blaming that on me.
Officer Hopkins: I'm sure everything is cold.
Officer Smith: Cool.
Officer Hopkins: Cool.
Officer Smith: Relax, he's cool.
Officer Swanhauser: The report does not confirm body temperature.
Fred Sanford: You gotta always wash your hands before you eat, and from the looks of you, you must have the cleanest hands in town.
Fred Sanford: Some people just shake'n bake, but I buy'n fry.
Officer Hopkins: Everything is just gravy.
Officer Smith: Groovy.
Officer Hopkins: Groovy.
Officer Hopkins: When we're finished, people will be able to walk down the streets safely in Los Angeles.
Fred Sanford: Yeah they can walk in Los Angeles, but they'll still be running in Watts.
Lamont Sanford: [Holding a dented hub cap] Do I put this in H.C.: Hub Cap.
Fred Sanford: No, you put that in G.C.: Garbage Can.
Fred Sanford: Don't cut your leg on any rusty metal. Know what happens when you cut your leg on rusty metal?
Jason: No.
Fred Sanford: You get lock-jaw, then you can't eat no fat burgers.
Fred Sanford: Let's do like they did in the Bible: Moses spread his arms out and the Red Sea divided.
Lamont Sanford: So we're gonna do like Moses?
Fred Sanford: No, we're gonna do like the Red Sea and split.
Lamont Sanford: This is a pea coat.
Bubba: Did you know that when you bought it?
[Fred is showing Lamont a photo album]
Fred Sanford: Lamont, this is you as a baby... you had to be the ugliest baby alive.
TV Announcer: Coming up next is a new show about today's teenagers entitled, "All in the Family Way".
Fred Sanford: What?
Fred Sanford: If you wanna make a show about my life, why not make it black? With black people, and call it 'Sanford and Son'?
Bernie Taub: 'Sanford and Son'? It would never make it.
Fred Sanford: This is a real Chinese restaurant, isn't it?
Lamont Sanford: No, it's a pizza parlor. Of course it's a Chinese restaurant.
Fred Sanford: I can't eat here. I can't eat that Chink food.
Officer Hopkins: Looks like you guys have been torn off.
Officer Jones: Ripped.
Officer Hopkins: *Ripped* off.
Fred Sanford: Hey, what do you have against black drivers? Why don't you ever arrest any white drivers?
Policeman: I do.
Fred Sanford: Well, where are they? I don't see any. Look at all these niggers up in here. There's enough niggers in here to make a Tarzan movie
Fred Sanford: You remember that command they used to give? "Don't fire 'till you see the whites?"
Lamont Sanford: It was, "Don't fire 'till you see the whites of their eyes".
Fred Sanford: Bufford never waited that long.
Fred Sanford: Who is it?
Lamont Sanford: It's the phone company. They say that if we don't pay the bill, they're gonna cut it off.
Fred Sanford: Gimmie that. Hello? Yes, this is Fred Sanford. Yeah, the phone is listed in my name. Say listen, what makes you folks think you can call me and cut somebody's phone off just because they're a little behind in their bill? Listen, I need my phone for my place of business. That's right, I wish one of you would come over here and try to cut my phone off. I'd put my foot in your - Hello?
Aunt Esther: Watch it, sucka.
Fred Sanford: [sees Esther in the Sanford Arms] No animals allowed in here.
Aunt Esther: Why you...
Mrs. Hopkins: [to Esther] Let me handle this.
Mrs. Hopkins: [to Fred] Watch it, sucka!
Fred Sanford: [to white bank teller] I'd like to make a deposit.
WhiteBankTeller: OK. How much?
Fred Sanford: [shakes fist] How bout five in your mouth?
Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: We better get down to the Nifty Grifty.
Lamont Sanford: Nitty Gritty!
Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: Nitty Gritty.
Fred Sanford: [about Esther] This is our plumber but you can see that the pipes have backed up into her face.
Fred Sanford: That's what they do. Them welfare people look under your bed, down your throat and up your mattress. And while they're prowling, your stomach's growling.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, that's what the welfare thing was setup for: for people in financial trouble. What do you think we pay taxes for? We'd just be taking advantage of something that was setup for people like us.
Fred Sanford: What do you mean 'people like us'?
Lamont Sanford: Poor people. The have nots.
Fred Sanford: The have nots? Well if the have nots could get something from the haves and the haves gave the have nots half of what they have, then the haves would still be the haves but the have nots would be the have somethings.
Lawyer: We may have to go all the way to the highest court in the land.
Fred Sanford: All the way.
Lawyer: And you're willing 100%?
Fred Sanford: All the way. See, this is America, where a right makes might, where justice is blind, where law is king, where a man should be able to persue his democratic right no matter what it costs him in time, effort and/or money.
Lawyer: Okay, I'll need about $10 to file the complaint.
Fred Sanford: I'll drop the case.
Aunt Esther: You fish-eyed heathen.
Skeeter Matthews: You must be Poppa Sanford.
Fred Sanford: No, I'm Mama Cass.
Bubba: Say Fred, that's one of them Superman suits ain't it?
Fred: Superfly Bubba, Superfly.
[Bubba pretends to be Blind Mellow Jelly's son]
Bubba: I want my daddy's records.
[Esther sees Fred with a lollipop]
Aunt Esther: You just suck on that sucker, sucka.
Officer Hopkins: The reception in the squad car was terrible. We couldn't pick up anything but police calls.
Lamont Sanford: Grady, you're gonna be the first person in history to get busted for molesting a vegetable.
Lamont Sanford: The first signs of marijuana use are the hungries, or munchies.
Grady Wilson: Weren't they in The Wizard of Oz?
Lamont Sanford: That's Munchkins.
Lamont Sanford: [has discovered Fred cheats on his taxes] Why only put $200? Why not $1,000? Or $2,000? $10,000? Why not even a million?
Fred Sanford: That's good. Put that down, Calvin.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, if you put that, you go to jail.
Fred Sanford: Take that off, Calvin.
Donna Harris: Where are you going?
Fred Sanford: [drunk] St. Louis. On the banks of the Misississippi. M-I-S... I-S-S... M-O-U-S-E.
Calvin: How's your voice?
Fred Sanford: I'm a little hoarse.
Calvin: [points to his horse] So is he. Ha ha ha.
Fred Sanford: Listen, Son, I kow everything that's going on here and that's your business.
Lamont Sanford: I was hoping you'd understand...
Fred Sanford: If you wanna be down here with that girl, that's your business. I mean, if you wanna be hugging and kissing all night, that's your business.
Lamont Sanford: I appreciate it...
Fred Sanford: But when she smacks your face and the police come here and arrest me for harboring a sex maniac, then that's MY business. So you get her the hell out of here.
Lamont Sanford: What's the matter with you, man?
Fred Sanford: Didn't you read the paper?
Lamont Sanford: No. What happened?
Fred Sanford: Well look here: Lucy stole Linus' blanket and hid it in Snoopy's dog house.
Lamont Sanford: I'm glad you told me, now I won't have to watch the 11:00 news.
Lamont Sanford: [about his cologne] It's called "A Day in Paris".
Fred Sanford: Smells more like "A Night in El Segundo".
Lamont Sanford: [on the phone with his employer] What do you mean what am I doing home? I already worked an hour and a half overtime for you. Did you expect me to unload all those bath tubs by myself? I don't get that. Of course I want the j... But I... WHAT? Well you're a *white* one!
[hangs up]
Officer Hopkins: How do you spell that, Honkey?
Fred Sanford: Uh Y T!
Officer Hopkins: Y T?
Fred Sanford: Yeah! Say it again!
Officer Hopkins: Y T Y T...
Fred Sanford: Whitey!
Bailiff: Will a Juan Diego Perez please rise?
Fred Sanford: [whispering to Lamont] He's a Mexican.
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, no kidding.
Fred Sanford: [a Mexican man takes the stand] I'll bet he got a speeding ticket. See, when Mexicans finally get their cars started, they gotta get where they're going real fast before their car stalls again.
Fred Sanford: Look at the family: buncha jive niggers.
Lamont Sanford: Pop!
Fred Sanford: [in court] Look at the judge. He's a brother. We lucked out.
Fred Sanford: [singing] I'm Popeye the Sailor Man/I'm Popeye the Sailor Man/I like to go swimmin'/With bowlegged women/I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
Fred Sanford: I told you, I don't want no dentist to be fooling around in my mouth.
Lamont Sanford: Why not?
Fred Sanford: Because they make me nervous. All them drills and chisels and screw drivers they be sticking down your mouth. They don't even care if they hurt you or not, they just yank you and thank you.
Fred Sanford: [a black dentist has exited and a white dentist enters] You see the difference between them right away?
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, it's like night and day.
Fred Sanford: I'll do it, but on one condition.
Lamont Sanford: And that is?
Fred Sanford: I want a white dentist.
Lamont Sanford: What did you say?
Fred Sanford: You heard me, I want a white dentist.
Lamont Sanford: Well what makes you think you're going to get a black dentist?
Fred Sanford: You said it was a free clinic, didn't you? Where you think you're gonna find a black dentist? In Beverly Hills?
Lamont Sanford: Wasn't you the guy who told me once that you didn't want nothing white but milk?
Fred Sanford: Well my tooth wasn't hurting then. I want the best available dentist for my tooth. Now just by coincidence, the best dentist schools are of the white people, by the white people, and for the white people. Now don't it seem likely that the best dentist would be white? White dentist, please?
Fred Sanford: No, what I mean is: where do these dentists come from?
Secretary: Well mostly from around here in California. But we do have a few from other countries: Canada, Mexico...
Fred Sanford: Africa?
[Dr. Rogers, an African American dentist whom Fred had earlier shunned, enters]
Fred Sanford: Hello, brother.
Dr. Rogers: Now, Mr. Sanford, if you'll open your mouth nice and wide, so I can get your foot out first!
Lamont Sanford: Hi Grady!
Grady: Outta my way Lamont.
[to Fred]
Grady: You expect me to beleive a cock and bull story like that?
Fred Sanford: Nope that's not Elizabeth. Too young, Too white.
Fred Sanford: Ow my heart. I think I'm having a heart attack. You hear that Elizabeth I'm coming to join you honey. Your dummy son has made me a wooden overcoat. Oh, Elizabeth.
Lamont Sanford: Whats the matter with you?
Aunt Esther: Shut up, foo!
Officer Smith: [Smitty's partner reads Miranda rights to a man accused by Grady of stealing a radio, but the man shows a purchase receipt to Smitty] Hopkins?
Officer Hopkins: Yeah?
Officer Smith: Remain silent!
Officer Hopkins: Well, we better divide.
Officer Smith: That's SPLIT!
Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: We better SPIT!
Lamont Sanford: THAT'S SPLIT!
Lamont Sanford: Don't be ridiculous, Pop, you can't fight a traffic ticket.
Fred Sanford: I'm not being ridiclous. You are. Now look, you get a ticket by a white cop in a blue uniform in a black neighborhood, making you so mad you see red. And you ain't gonna fight it 'cause you too yellow. Now what are you? A man or a box of crayons?
Fred Sanford: Ester what are you doing here?
Aunt Esther: What do you mean what am I doing here?
Fred Sanford: Well Wolfwoman don't come out till there's a full moon.
Fred Sanford: My my poor couch. I bet you never been sat on by a buffalo!
Grady: I ain't givin you nothing you stubborn bull headed old buzzard.
Fred Sanford: Who you calling old?
Aunt Esther: Now Fred
Fred Sanford: Yes Sir?
Aunt Esther: Your neice is in town.
Fred Sanford: What neice?
Aunt Esther: WHAT NEICE? YOU'R ONLY NEICE and she is here to go to college.
Fred Sanford: [Fred tells Lamont about his $500 giveaway idea] This idea is going to put us on easy street...
Lamont Sanford: Is that where the poor house is located?
Fred Sanford: What is fried Won Ton?
Waiter: Chinese kreplah.
Fred Sanford: Oh I ain't gonna eat that. That stuff'll kill you.
Aunt Esther: My body was blessed by Mother Nature, honey.
Fred Sanford: And as you got older, it was cursed by Father Time.
Fred Sanford: [on the phone; In Japanese accent] I calling to tell you that we are not going to buy any property in your brock for the brewery and it's not Fled's "flault". No, it's not Fled's "flault"... Fled. Fled! FRED, you big, dumb Puerto Rican!
[hangs up]
Lamont Sanford: Hey Pop, I got a date tonight. I'm already late now.
Fred Sanford: You can't do that. Listen, I made some arrangements. I got a surprise for you.
Lamont Sanford: Uh-huh. Is it another relative coming? How much does this one weigh?
Fred Sanford: Take out the trash Rollo.
Rollo Larson: Where is it Mr. Sanford?
Fred Sanford: It's in your shoes!
Lamont Sanford: Did you get the liquor Rollo?
Rollo Larson: No, I can't right now.
Lamont Sanford: Why not?
Rollo Larson: The store's still open!
Aunt Ethel: [to Fred] How could you do this Fred? I remember the day you married my sister.
Fred Sanford: [to Ah Chew and Esther] My two favorite diseases in the same room. Yellow Jaundice and the Black Plague.
Fred Sanford: [sees Esther] There's got to be some mistake. This is not my Lena, this is someone's hyena.
Fred Sanford: [calling the newspaper] Hello? Is this the Herald Examiner? Well, lemme speak to Harold.
Fred Sanford: A pool table like this in a store would cost you two hundred bucks.
Otis: Well how much do you want for it?
Fred Sanford: Two hundred bucks.
Otis: I thought that's what you said it would cost in a store.
Fred Sanford: Well, wha'choo think I'm runnin' here? A taco stand?
Lamont Sanford: [phoning their neighbor, afraid they've accidently shot him] You know, pop, the phone company says to always let the phone ring at least 10 times, because sometimes people be taking a shower or something.
Fred Sanford: Yeah... and sometimes, they be dead!
Lamont Sanford: Look at this, Pop. Monday morning - bingo. Tuesday evening - Doctor Talbot's lecture on the cause and cure of constipation.
Fred Sanford: Wednesday morning - bingo!
Fred Sanford: I brought you somethin' too, Esther.
Aunt Esther: Why, that's nothing but a clear piece of plastic.
Fred Sanford: No, it ain't. Put it up to your face. That's your Hallowe'en mask.
Lamont Sanford: Would you like a drink, Aunt Esther?
Fred Sanford: No, she wouldn't like a drink.
Aunt Esther: Why wouldn't I like a drink?
Fred Sanford: Because you *are* a drink... a Zombie.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, if we don'y pay our bills the bank is gonna kick us out of our house
Fred Sanford: [Esther walks in] Speaking of outhouses...
Aunt Esther: Fred, I need your help.
Fred Sanford: But, Esther, I'm a junkman, not a plastic surgeon.
Aunt Esther: But, Fred, I need your truck.
Fred Sanford: I agree. Son, take the truck and run over Esther's face.
Aunt Esther: We're not going to have this baby like you had Lamont.
Fred Sanford: You gonna to have this baby on purpose?
Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: [Hoppy and Jones are taking the TV set that was Grady's to the TV repair man that was robbed] We gotta crack.
Officer Jones: Split!
Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: Split.
Fred Sanford: Grady, why are you my friend?
Grady: I don't know
Fred Sanford: I don't know either.
[repeated line]
Aunt Esther: Fish-eyed fool!
Fred Sanford: [after Jones and Hoppy have left with the TV set] I hope you're happy, Grady. I'm out of $50 bucks.
Grady: [shouts] You should not have sold my set!
Fred Sanford: You're wrong, Grady. That was *my* set.
Fred Sanford: [Lamont is recovering from over-drinking] You were so drunk last night, you hung your clothes up in the closet!
Lamont Sanford: I always hang my clothes up in the closet.
Fred Sanford: Yeah, but usually you take 'em off!
Ugly Fat Woman in Audience: [Fred Sanford has attended the taping of a cooking show in a final desperate attempt to sell his Whopper Choppers. He is taking his seat in the audience when he apparently goes past an ugly fat woman in an improper manner]
[annoyingly]
Ugly Fat Woman in Audience: Would you please?
Fred Sanford: Not if you were the last woman on earth.
Fred Sanford: [there's a knock at the door]
[to Lamont]
Fred Sanford: It's the door.
Lamont Sanford: [sarcastically] No kidding.
Fred Sanford: Well?
Lamont Sanford: Well, what?
Fred Sanford: You want me to answer it?
Lamont Sanford: No, have it framed and hang it on the wall.
[Fred is getting a chest X-ray]
Nurse: Lean your shoulders against the wall. That's right.
[slaps him on the rear]
Nurse: Tuck it in!
Fred Sanford: I'll tuck it in if you tuck yours in!
Grady: Oh, hi... um... uh... who are you?
Aunt Esther: Esther, fool.
Grady: Hi, Estherfool.
Fred Sanford: [Referring to Esther] Excuse the mess. She was just leaving.
[Fred has fallen asleep while writing out his will. Lamont goes beside of Fred, which wakes him]
Fred Sanford: And the tall dummy I see before me, I leave to the San Francisco Zoo!
[Julio has been robbed overnight, and Fred saw the robbers but is refusing to cooperate]
Officer Smith: Mr. Sanford, by turning these men in, you give them the opportunity to be rehabilitated.
Fred Sanford: Yeah, but that'll give them the opportunity to have me decapitated!