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Riku114 said …
Being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things. You may be surrounded by others, but do you truly consider any of those people your friend?  Posted 1 month ago
Riku114 said …
I am honestly glad to be a mental health guru and wizard for a lot of people and it makes me happy to be able to help as many people as I do. It makes me really happy and honestly its one of the things that helps keep me grounded to the world and thus I almost actively seek it out at this point.

But honestly, sometimes I wish I had someone who could be a mental health guru / wizard for me at times. Often times I know if I were to talk about my problems, they'd either go ignored Posted 1 month ago
Riku114 commented…
or few would be able to say anything to help or assist or comfort me. I've kinda grown painfully aware that for a lot of this, I am kind of out here on my own figuring out how to make things work, and even within therapists and psychiatrists, few do much help as much as discussion and mutual planning at this point. 1 month ago
Riku114 commented…
I am not upset by any means that the amount I put out to people to help them and what I receive back are not equal, to be honest thats just the way it is with rare and kinda severe mental health issues and I've grown used to and accept it. To be honest, if anything, it is one of the reasons I want to reach out and help people as much as I can 1 month ago
Riku114 commented…
I figure if I have to go through all the work of figuring out how to maneuver therapy, recovery, mental health, and all that with little people to guide me or help me, I can at least use my struggle and the knowledge I got from it to leave a bread crumb for others to follow 1 month ago
Riku114 commented…
Admittedly, I really don't know half of what I am doing or if I am doing it right when it comes to my mental health, and I just go off of what seems best with the infomration I have at hand and its done me well, but if I could one day figure a way to a good life and if I could leave that bread crumb trail I took to get there for people to follow, then I suppose at least in a way that my struggle was actually worth it 1 month ago
LuceOfTheLight said …
I would like to say that I am by no means planning to hide the fact that I am an alter of Riku's as much as I would prefer to be treated and respected as an individual.

With that being said, Riku and myself have a stern policy that anything that one alter does reflects on the whole system. If Riku causes problems, then it is both her and my responsibility to handle it. Likewise, if I upset you, it is both our responsibilities to handle it. Posted 1 month ago
LuceOfTheLight commented…
While we do identify separately, we are a single unit possessing a single body and a single brain and thus are responsible for everything done as a system. I do apologize if issues to arise regarding myself or Aderis or even Riku, and we take full responsibility. So if anything regarding this becomes a problem, please be patient while Riku and I (hopefully eventually Aderis as well) figure it out 1 month ago
LuceOfTheLight commented…
I figured that it would be beneficial for me to interact outside of the system more often and the only reason I am currently being as active as I am is because I do not know the next time I will be out. 1 month ago
LuceOfTheLight said …
Per request I am now having a Sakamoto icon. Posted 1 month ago
Riku114 said …
Anyone ever sit there and realize you are so fucked up and fucked over that you probably shouldn't even be alive by any logical standard? Posted 1 month ago
Riku114 commented…
I'm proud to be alive despite it all, but really... I am so fucked up its hard to imagine. 1 month ago
Lusamine commented…
Pain is beauty. If anything, this makes you a stronger and wiser person, more suitable to thrive than any other. Take it as a compliment. 1 month ago
LuceOfTheLight commented…
It is how things are for some like us. All you can do is as Lusamine alluded to. Let the pain and suffering make you a stronger wiser person. Nothing can really change the past and all you can do is move forward making the best of the hand you were dealt. 1 month ago
Riku114 said …
>tfw you are being a #sadboi over something DID related that is so deep into it that it sounds ridiculous if you were to share it

It not that bad, Im just being kind of down and frustrated and mopey but its just a me problem tbh. >.> Posted 2 months ago
Riku114 said …
It is almost funny how clear cut and obvious it is that my Trichotillomania picks up 40x when I am at home and around my family a lot.

When I'm at college, Ill typically only pluck in small amounts that are negligible and have maybe one large session of plucking every couple weeks or so. It lets them grow decently before being plucked and thats actually pretty good compared to the past

I come back home and every day that I'm around them I pretty much start blank. Posted 2 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Its really really bad to be honest. When I'm by myself I barely pluck, when I am with Kendall I near to never pluck, when I am home and around my parents, I pluck daily even if I don't want to 2 months ago
J_E_T commented…
If your parents are around just look at them and say to yourself my beautiful hair is too damn sexy to give a shit about this. 2 months ago
Riku114 commented…
XD I know but I wish it was like that. My amygdala just responds regardless XD 2 months ago
Riku114 said …
Yooo guys back from my trip XD Posted 2 months ago
J_E_T commented…
Miss your company...did you had fun? xD 2 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
Welcome back! Hope you had a great time !!!! 2 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Yeah it was XD 2 months ago
_Aderis_ said …
I am the Roast Queen. To add to that I am also the Sass Queen but I prefer the Roast Queen thank you very much. Posted 2 months ago
Riku114 said …
Happy Fathers Day to everyone and for those who don't have a father figure in their life or a good one, I'll adopt you :v Posted 2 months ago
Riku114 said …
Man I need a new icon but I havent been super attached to anything as I've been focusing on my finals and getting the fuck home that I really haven't had enough stable free time to just like... chill and read my mangaor anything XD Posted 2 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I guess Ill settle with this handsome boy for now 2 months ago
Riku114 said …
Trauma resurfacing from thin dissociaitve walls and bubbling back up in a PTSD sense sucks. Its probably my lightest unprocessed trauma and it fucking sucks.

I can literally be having a good day then one word or one image and flick there goes my brain trying to give me a flashback and crap

Kms, not really but still. Posted 2 months ago
Riku114 said …
ONE FINAL DOWN THREE TO GO Posted 2 months ago
Riku114 said …
I honestly cant wait to be home in a little over a week man. Posted 2 months ago
LuceOfTheLight said …
Riku says I have to make my icon Sakamoto. Posted 2 months ago
Riku114 commented…
FFF Dont call me out :v I didn't even notice this was here :vvv 2 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
You really should !!!! 2 months ago
Riku114 said …
Honestly a lot of the times my detachment from a lot from the world and what not serves me alright and sometimes well to reaching my goal and not getting bothered by the small things in life, but sometimes, often times, it can get to the worse either when it feels like the world is too far separate from me or when I feel like this is a secondary world and like I've been detached and disconnect from the world I actually belong in. Posted 2 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Sometimes its a weird feeling. Its like being homesick from a sense of reality / world that you don't even really know. 2 months ago
_Aderis_ said …
Also I added my responses to some of the DID Alter Q and A Posted 2 months ago
_Aderis_ said …
I'm going to compromise and post here just saying that sometimes I feel like I want to use my own account. It's a fine line to walk though, between freaking Riku out and between holding myself back from saying something 'mean' or 'rude' or 'improper' that might soil some of Riku's image.

Out of respect for her I try to stay out of the picture but you know~

I like to have my fun as well.

Besides, if Lucille can post a thing or two I sure don't see why I can't post an innocent post. Posted 2 months ago
_Aderis_ commented…
Also hi Riku. Bet this is spookin ya but I want some fun as well. I'm behaving, don't worry about it. Buh bye, that is all. 2 months ago
_Aderis_ commented…
For those that aren't Riku feel free to friend me and message me or whatever. I don't particularly care and I'll reply like.. whenever I front and feel like it. Maybe that'd be a week, maybe a month, who knows. Not my problem tbh. 2 months ago
_Aderis_ commented…
Buh bye bitches and hoes. (I am mandated to state that I do not actually think you are bitches or hoes since apparently I am 'accidentally mean' a lot.) 2 months ago
Riku114 said …
I am thoroughly attacked. I started watching Sakamoto Desu Ga and this is such a direct parody of myself and my social experience in highschool that it hurts.

I have been parodized Posted 2 months ago
Riku114 said …
"DID pathologizes one of the coolest and amazing ways of exploring your mind"

Yeah, its so cool to have a personality that regularly gets in the way of your interpersonal relationships, one that is actively suicidal and distorted horribly with depression and trauma, and one that literally does nothing but belittle you and poke at your largest insecurities.

Its very cool and very fun and very amazing. Posted 2 months ago
Lusamine commented…
Anybody who romanticizes mental illness is an absolute tool. 2 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Pfft right? 2 months ago
Riku114 said …
Imma stream at about 2 PM PST (1.5 hours from this point) if you guys are interested. Posted 3 months ago
Riku114 said …
Ya know I honestly sometimes get a bit blown away when I think about the people that have claimed that I've helped them both online and offline. Often I don't really consider myself all that great and like... just kind of a pain in the ass of burden with how much baggage I can carry with me as someone to get to know, but then I have to double take and I realize I've really helped a good few people and it just sometimes doesn't sound real to be honest Posted 3 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Like if there was an alternate reality where I never existed, so many lives could have been different and worse and I really don't like to toot my own horn and I really don't mean to since I'm just kind of shocked and find it a bit hard to digest 3 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I dunno, its just hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that I am ACTUALLY a good person more than anything. 3 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Like... I'm not a BAD person, but the idea that I am "not a good person" has been a bit of a well known "fact" of my identity for a while that its just kind of hard for me to like be like??? I've helped people??? And I'm kind of caring??? Even when all the evidence shows that I do care about people and have done a lot more than I am required to do 3 months ago
Riku114 commented…
And its like???? Wow??? 3 months ago
Riku114 said …
Media depiction of DID

Alter: We gotta kidnap and kill them. I want to kill everyone. Stab them - Imma take over and kill them

Reality

Me: Maybe I should have a bit of soda with this popcorn

Lucille: I want tea.

Me: I am not walking out in the rain again to get tea. You can come out and make tea if you really want it Posted 3 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Admittedly, this is like XD There is a lot of work and shit that goes into it, but like XD Its just a meme I had like three seconds ago :v 3 months ago
Riku114 commented…
FYI Lucille is a tea addict 3 months ago
Riku114 said …
Randomly being able to hear your suicidal alter having some sort of an episode is hard shit. Like, its not emotions and feelings and thoughts that I myself feel like are my own and it is fine, but just constantly hearing "I am so tired of being alive. I am so tired of this existence." and so on and so forth is just... its not easy.

I'd get like "Oh I think shes done and I managed to relax" and then another line will whisper out of no where and itd be square one again. Posted 3 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I'm just kind of waiting for it to pass and for her to go back to being silent. It kind of sucks because I really can't communicate back so I'm just kind of sitting here listening to it randomly appear 3 months ago
Riku114 said …
Hey dudes, for Mental Health Awareness Month I might try to post a few versions of DID questions and answer them myself and IF any of my alters come out and are willing to add their thoughts Ill let them :v Posted 3 months ago
Riku114 said …
Public Service Announcement Kiddos

Take your medication. Posted 3 months ago
Riku114 said …
GUYS ITS ALMOST MAY

MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH

Maybe Ill do something XD Posted 4 months ago
Riku114 said …
It is a good feeling when your old friend you had a bit of a really problematic friendship with messages back giving proper closure to the friendship's end and apologizing for some of the behavior in the time and ya know.

As someone who had a lot of codependent friends left hanging, its a good feeling man. :feelsgoodman: Posted 4 months ago
Riku114 said …
Imma ramble about some just random DID stuff I've been thinking about lately and its nothing important so dont bother too much with this unless you are reaaaaallly bored but anyways here I go Posted 4 months ago
Riku114 commented…
So like, there is this thing that apparently a lot of people with DID have that I know I KINDA have and that I USED To have back when I thought I just had an overactive imagination and what not called "inner worlds" where the alters can manifest and occasionally interact and what not and sometimes they are actually kinda like big environments and what not 4 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Also since I KNOW at least one of them checks my fanpop when he is out sometimes, yes this is at you :v :v :v Fight me and don't use my account to redact or revise what I am saying here :v this is completely valid for me to post on here :v 4 months ago
Riku114 commented…
inb4 he doesnt front anytime soon and this post just gets lost in time 4 months ago
Riku114 said …
Oh hey dude! I have a Top Contributor thing now on my club's home page! Thats actually pretty cool XD Posted 4 months ago
Riku114 said …
Its kind of nice being home and what not. I get some good time with my fiance and I can kind of relax and pull the breaks a bit. Its pretty good - given my middle sister isnt also home Posted 5 months ago
Riku114 said …
You know a lot of you guys are actually like a genuine family to me more than yall probably think you all probably think XD

Cause "Riku" is actually a personality that is of a system that didn't exist - or at least didn't firmly split / solidify - before Fanpop existed. I'm really an existence that was 'born' here and figured herself out on here so a lot of me quickly kind of 'grew up' and 'developed' around you guys like one would with family Posted 5 months ago
Riku114 said …
Google: Did I really recover from my depression or did I just dissociate from it? Posted 5 months ago
2ntyOnePilots commented…
Ohhhh man. Relatable 5 months ago
2ntyOnePilots said …
Ok so... I hav3 a question that may seem ignorant, but truth is I just can’t remember most o& the distinguished details. What ways are Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder different? Posted 5 months ago
Riku114 commented…
As someone who technically has both (one of my alters is BPD where as I myself is debatable on it) I can explain XD 5 months ago
2ntyOnePilots commented…
Ok thx sm. That’s so interestin. (Sounding like my mum but fuck it lol) a Definitely clears it up 5 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Aye drop by any questions XD 5 months ago
Riku114 said …
;-; Headache and fatigue for two days in a row ;-; Posted 5 months ago
2ntyOnePilots commented…
Awe man, I feel that. Get some rest + take care. ❤️ 5 months ago
GDragon612 commented…
all the best for you ma Rikubun, take care and get well soon!! 5 months ago
Riku114 said …
I lowkey love that the day I go to screening with Neurology to make sure there is no physiological reasons I have memory and identity issues is Dissociative Identity Disorder Awareness Day

The day my diagnosis will be pretty solid XD Posted 5 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Inb4 "Oh looks like you just have a brain tumor" 5 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Update: Yeah I am physiologically solid so its probably just dissociation. Big shock XD 5 months ago
Riku114 said …
Honestly if any of you guys have any questions on DID I am good for answering. XD I appreciate questions Posted 6 months ago
2ntyOnePilots commented…
I have a question. Did you ever finish the article you wrote, and where might I find it? Lol 5 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I got it MOST ways done but got distracted XD I need to finish it its still on my list of things to do but man my mental health has been taking up a lot of time XD 5 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I am actually getting into the nit and gritty stuff of DID and its quite interesting and very tiresome XD 5 months ago
Riku114 said …
One of these I should work on explaining just how important and why Akashi is such a big thing for all of us. Posted 6 months ago
Riku114 said …
Also still happy I get to train Lefteris in the way of Kuroko no Basket. Soon there will be someone caught up enough to understand my lord and savior Akashi Seijurrou Posted 6 months ago
Economnomnomics commented…
Glad to see someone joining the cult. How could you forget about me, Riku. 5 months ago
Economnomnomics commented…
Just because I'm inactive doesn’t mean I'm dead 😵💀 5 months ago
Riku114 said …
Man I had a four day weekend but dude I still have a lot of stuff to get done Posted 6 months ago
2ntyOnePilots commented…
^ 6 months ago
Riku114 said …
There are pretty much like three ways to know when Im MAJORLY dissociating and possibly switching personalities

1) A LOT of face touching. If Im rubbing my face a lot and/or blinking heavily, Im probably dissociating and its habitual touching in attempt to like "clear my eyes" and focus in

2) I space out into absolutely no where

3) I lower my head into my hands or arms or away from sight and towards the ground and take irregular breaths. Posted 6 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
I see. That is pretty interesting to know. Have been curious about the signs !!!! 6 months ago
Riku114 said …
Holy shit I just realized Ive been worshipping Akashi for like four or five years now Posted 6 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
Happy 4th-5th Anniversary of Worshipping then !!!! 6 months ago
simrananime said …
Joined^^ Posted 6 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Aye sweet 6 months ago
Riku114 said …
My little boy bird is a big boy now ;-; I raised him since he was a chick and my mom caught him fucking one of the females XD Shes the one Im taking to college and have shipped him with for ages so like... Im not upset and its rather normal for birds especially during this season XD

But man hes a grown boy now. I remember when he was like... a centimeter big and just a little baby chick. Posted 6 months ago
Riku114 said …
That feeling when you were so dissociated for two to three months and constantly AT BEST half present that you THOUGHT you were fully present for some parts cause you forgot what it was like to be alone in your head / got used to it

Like for the first time probably since Ive come to college, its been just me - no Lucille or Aderis - and HONESTLY it feels GOOD baby. Posted 6 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Like.... when you have more than one present up in the front and are dissociated, you cant really get into life and do exactly what you want to do regularly. You cant REALLY perceive all your emotions or your needs or the world around you cause even if you are semi-present, its like there is an overload and you only get half of whats being picked up. You are kind of stuck at a skin deep level 6 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Its so peaceful to just have a few days to myself for once and actually feel the world again and oh man. #FeelsGoodMan 6 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Imma kick back and enjoy this weekend 6 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
Once again, I'm really happy to see you like this. As I said, make the most of this feeling, Rikubun !!!! 6 months ago
heart
GDragon612 said …
Party finally Rikubun got the 100
btw thanks to Nomy yeah!!!
opens a huge bottle of champaigne and Juice
throwe confetti
drunk now xD
Party hard =D

congrats ma Rikubun💗 Posted 6 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Thanks XD 6 months ago
GDragon612 commented…
ya welcome XD 6 months ago
GDragon612 commented…
throws 6 months ago
Riku114 said …
"I honestly just see myself more of a character than anything else. To be honest, I learned most of my actions and who I am from anime characters that I liked." ~ Me like.... three or four years ago

Still honestly not inaccurate, but the degree I saw myself a vessel to write and create a story in rather than to live in was interesting. I wouldn't go and say I dont view it that way anymore, but its much less severe if you were to ask me. Posted 6 months ago
heart
GDragon612 said …
just one more fan then you got 100 fans
then I open a champaigne yeah(for non alcoholics juice =3) Posted 6 months ago
GDragon612 commented…
hwaiting*-*<3 6 months ago
GDragon612 commented…
will open<<< 6 months ago
Riku114 commented…
NOMY MADE THE 100! HALELLUJAH 6 months ago
Riku114 said …
MY FIANCE SAID I CAN MAKE HIM WATCH KNB WHEN WE ARE LIVING TOGETHER YAS Posted 6 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
Yeee! One more person has been added to the KnB Gang !!!! 6 months ago
Riku114 said …
Me: Man I never write articles anymore. I still have like three or four half completed articles to do. Im so lazy man. Why am I always so tired and not in the mood for writing and explaining things when I remind myself of my articles?

Me: *working on a website to build and explain an entire fictional world with races and classes and cities and functions* *writes easily over a thousand or two on the website whenever shes bored enough to do it*

Me: Man I never write. Posted 6 months ago
Lusamine said …
Joined! Posted 6 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Welcome! 6 months ago
Riku114 said …
Im still upset Ill never be able to be someones gay boyfriend Posted 6 months ago
Lusamine commented…
I know, I was sad too. 6 months ago
Riku114 commented…
;-; 6 months ago
Riku114 said …
Sometimes I wish I had someone to look up to tbh. Someone to take guidance off of. Someone who I am impressed so thoroughly by that they serve as an inspiration. But alas, it turns out I am stuck by myself. I have to generate goals and admiration from myself within myself. I have to generate the drive and inspiration and will entirely on my own.

Its not horrible. It makes me independent

But sometimes having the safety net so you can take a break once and a while would be great Posted 7 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
Isn't there though? At least those who have contributed their fair share of inspiration over the years. Maybe not a complete Role Model through Life (A lot really have a hard time finding something like this and might also be not be the best option depending on one's selection) but the experiences taught through them and the examples you have taken can be valuable nonetheless. Regardless of being Family or Friends, irl People or Fictional, etc. I have noticed that they could have an impact in a person's jouney. Something that I can relate with myself !!!! 7 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
That being said, it is apparent that your progress so far is mainly because of yourself. No one else could define it. Your very own driving force that pushed you towards Improvement. It is something to be truly admired and a reason why many others look up to you and seek for your guidance themselves. Something to take great Pride in !!!! 7 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
^ As excessively Optimistic I might be coming across, that is my Hope. A pure one and I find it to be worthy holding on to it in your case. Just letting that be known !!!! 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
“I wonder since when, I started yawning as I left my home for a match. I wonder since when I stopped feeling anything even when we won. The person who can win against me is me alone. But all I wanted was an opponent that I could go all out against. I've always wished for a tight game in which you couldn't tell if you'd win or lose...I am grateful to you Tetsu." ~ Daiki Aomine Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
" *in meh mood* .... lets eat popcorn and soda"

"You know we literally just agreed and decided wed lean back towards tea and fruit since drinking things that do not excite the brain and fuels the body with HEALTHY stuff will actually almost factually pick up our mood right? Get some fruit and tea"

".....popcorn and soda" Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
Im not living am I? Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
Man I havent posted on here in a while. Its... been a week. XD Chaos man. Tiresome. Posted 7 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
Relatable XD !!!! 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
Im in love Posted 7 months ago
GDragon612 commented…
with your boyfriend or your birds Rikubun <3 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Birds, boyfriend (fiance), and Akashi XDD 7 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
#TripleLove !!!! 7 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
The Holy Trinity of Riku's Obsessions !!!! 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
...... can someone tell my lungs how to breathe? Posted 7 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
link 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
MY LUNGS DONT WORK Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
Personally, I identify more masculine than feminine and typically want to be and identify with more male / masculine things. I actually never wanted to be a girlfriend when I was younger. I hated the idea of being a GIRLfriend. I was 100% alright with being a boyfriend but the term girlfriend just grossed me out and Im still not a HUGE fan of it but Im used to it so I dont mind XD Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Theres the whole thing about wanting to be a prince and my style and all. There was even a point in my life / time when I wanted to look as masculine as possible and a bit of dysphoria but that all went away when I really stopped bothering with gender. 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I got overwhelmed and tired with all the gender culture and decided I was just going to be me and not do anything to my body that could harm it including binding my boobs cause once you get past 38D its really not safe to bind 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Plus I like my tits and my fiance likes my tits so... 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
“I wish we met before they convinced you life is war.” Posted 7 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
Relatable !!!! 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
Ah man. I was not ready to go back to college to be honest. Ill probably be better once I get back into academia and get fed the drug of constant work but ugh. Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
I have a cheese addiction tbh Posted 7 months ago
Zeppie commented…
As I'm munching through a handful of grated mozzarella I find this relatable v: 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
^^ 7 months ago
JetBlack__ said …
Riku didn’t post in 24 hours !!
call 911 Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
XD Im alright man XD 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
Me: I didnt take my meds yet. Dont forget. Yeah just after I find some good music to listen to.

"Honestly sometimes don't you think it would be easier to play the roll of broken, edgy, depressed, and unhealthy drug lord or something than this high standing skilled academic and mental health caring scholar? It would be so easy to maintain that and we'd just have to stop trying with everything. Wouldn't that be fu-"

Me: Okay time to take medication. Posted 7 months ago
2ntyOnePilots commented…
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 6 months ago
Riku114 said …
i cant sleep cos i cant stop imagining things and scenarios :vv ;-; Posted 7 months ago
JetBlack__ commented…
It's alright Riku it is all temporary,it's over now.you okay.. back to awesome Riku kicking life shit. 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
XD Its fine XD Its just lowkey nostalgic 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
Me: I am not that bad of a maladaptive daydreamer

Me: *organizes a DnD group*

Me: *literally can not stop knocking out into obsessive character planning and background forming and daydreaming up different potential characters legit for the next 12 hours straight including while go kart racing to which Im shocked I didnt crash* Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
Stream might be delayed due to DMV stuff Posted 7 months ago
BlueDopamine commented…
ok, Anna 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
:vv Dont call me by my first name 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
It makes me uncomfortable XD Not cause its online but for other reasons I dont wanna go into XD 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Or well real name I suppose XD 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
ANYWAYS. I finally get to take my drivers test after annoying delays twice and a random appointment cancellation that the DMV didnt tell us about XD All the delays pretty much have me at the end of my learners permit though XD So I need to pass this or Ill have to start from square one again XD

But I think Ill do fine probably. I mean I am not the best driver and personally I wouldn't drive if I didn't have to cause of my dissociation, but Im somehow better than Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
my older sister according to my mom and she has a license so... I think Ill do fine. XD 7 months ago
Rihanna312 commented…
Welp, this is the third year when I`m postponing getting a license. Mostly because I don`t feel the need for it. But if you have the reason and need it, I`m sure you`ll do good on the test! 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
But yeah I would have passed since my driving was stellar but not noticing it was a yield left was an instant fail 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
Ah man its bird fucking season it seems XD My birds keep trying to fuck Posted 7 months ago
JetBlack__ commented…
That’s disturbing yet cute xD 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
.... on another note I just realized I am 18 and have been living for the past few months with the self pressure as if I was like 21-24 Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Like my mom reminded my dad I was turning 19 and I was like "HOLY SHIT WAIT IM 18 WHAT THE HECK IM DOING JUST FINE. WHY AM I TREATING MYSELF LIKE IM WAY BEHIND?!?!" XD 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
With that being said, I am not going to change the working speed and rate I am working at :v I want to get everything done as fast as possible but man I shoulda cut myself some slack XD 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
"There is no victory for the passive" Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
I wanted to do something when I got back but now House is hallucinating a person and it reminds me too much of personal shit so Im hooked XD Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
Fresh Owari no Seraph profile Posted 7 months ago
Shukuya commented…
Looks cool! 7 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
Noice. Looks pretty neat !!!! 7 months ago
JetBlack__ commented…
It’s perfect. 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
Me: *gets into the car and sees fiance's jacket in the backseat and put it on*

Him: You? Cold? Who are you?

Me: Nah, I just miss your jacket

*twenty minutes later*

Me: Actually I was a bit chilly but I did really mainly want it cos I missed it.

Him: I know, you just have to be big strong girl that doesnt get cold

Me: >.> Shut up. Posted 7 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
After all these, anyone who still can't see you being a Tsundere simply knows nothing XD !!!! 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
YES I AM STILL THE QUEEN OF MEDIATING AND ARGUMENT CLEAN UP!

Managed to simultaneously

-Keep my sisters fiance from having to deal with my family's bs arguments
-Made sure my sister was alright the day before leaving
-Made sure my mom understood where my sister was coming from
-Made sure my mom was alright with how she left my sister
-Made sure everyone was at least neutral
-Ended the drama
-Explained my 'disowning' of my middle sister
-Everyone is alright Posted 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Oh on that note, my middle sister I blantantly let it be known Im done trying with her and I am going to need to see her change and get her act together before I start trying again cos I got tired being let down on us getting along and her being nice and respectful to my existence 7 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I honestly cant hate her, but its not good for me to keep trying to be nice and get along cause Ill be sucked dry and left used if I keep trying when she isnt. 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
A bit of appreciation, but I honestly love my fiance. The more I think about it, the more of a rare human that probably has like a 0.01% chance of existing that fits my tastes in people, quirky interests, patient, capable, and understanding enough of my mental health bullshit, and everything to somehow find me and care / like me enough to make me give them a chance even after I tore them apart. Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Like... being in my tastes and being someone Im willing to spend time around IRL is like.... a one in a millionth shot (not really but its pretty rare) 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Then just multiplying the rarity of everything else... 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Im just lucky to have him 8 months ago
Zeppie commented…
So sweet ❤ 7 months ago
Riku114 said …
I swear Ill get back to Hakuoki eventually XD

Im currently bouncing around a few other games though since there are some good sales on thigns I want

Currently doing Jurassic World: Evolution and then Devil May Cry 1 after. If I like Devil May Cry 1 I might get more of the series in the future but I dunno Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
Dude, I found a clear definitive hole in my memory. My sister's fiance's sister apparently was like... best friends with me in elementary school and APPARENTLY I was teased a lot or something like that and she asked about me when my sister met her and I honest to god dont recognize her much at all if at all.

I was a biiit skeptical that it was overexaggerating but legit found pictures of me hugging her as a kid so??? Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
And I was in the same school as her for three years at the very least and she is somehow entirely absent from all my memories? I mean thats not shocking because I dont remember much from elementary school but I did make a hell of a hard job remembering the general story including friends of mine at the time. 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I remember some of my other friends at the time Im pretty sure...??? So its weird but the photographs dont lie... .-. 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Legit my first PROOF backed lost memory and its kinda..... odd?? 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
Bruh solid Christmas this year. Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
>.> Starting to get to that "hating break" mood cause Im running out of things to keep my mind stimulated Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I honestly hate wasting time 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I hate being stressed out about wasting time especially on vacations because I know its irrational but I cant. 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Im honestly kind of jealous of people who can comfortably do nothing with their time may it be on vacations or not 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
hey guys I'm not dead I swear Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
Aye guess who is officially engaged now? Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
Might stream tomorrow at 12 PM PST Kingdom Hearts 1 with my boyfriend. Might not, still considering it Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Nah decided against streaming btw XD Figured itd be more fun just to chill with my boi 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
Since I dont really have the ability to remember my moods for more than two weeks and it screws up a lot of my psychiatry forums and all, I am going to now keep a mood log to keep track of how I feel so I can more accurately report it Posted 8 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
^ That is a really nice idea !!!! 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
I might be kind of between fragments or something because I am feeling two extremely polar emotions at the same time that shouldn't be able to coexist at the extent that they are and because I can't respond to really interesting Fanpop Random questions because I cant come up with any consistent ideas so my sense of identity is probably obscure and messed up even though I dont notice it. Posted 8 months ago
TheLefteris24 commented…
^ Relatable in a way. Have been similarly felt confused about some of them myself !!!! 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
SAIX DESERVES MORE LOVE Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
Its a bit shocking that I am still a good bit affected / bothered by my first major codependent break up. I've mostly moved on and I dont have breakdowns over it every other week like I did two years ago and I don't compulsively stalk unless "triggered" and thus there is like a REALLY small one in comparison to before

BUT Id be lying if I said I wasn't still held back and occasionally bothered by it. There are some things that can "trigger" small little moments to which Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I recover from rather fast 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Its almost four years passed at this point I believe 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
By the way stream this week is canceled due to my schedule combined with other people's schedules Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
*sigh* Its hard to convince myself to sleep cause my brains oddly on edge over the session earlier today and the fact I gotta ride Uber to the airport which Ive always been paranoid about Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Not like horrifically but enough that Im resistant to sleep out of discomfort 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
Tfw you have to talk with your therapist over why something you know is irrational is irrational because your brain doesnt always listen to ration and you just sit there like "Fuck man, now we look dramatic because you were freaking out over something I told you was irrational and pointless and potentially unhealthy." Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
And then him pointing out the fact I over prepare and over plan for the worst to the point its kinda bad with how it takes a lot of the fun and excitement out of life and then Im like ":vvvv Dont bring me into this :vv Im just trying to protect us :v We might get caught off guard if we dont know whats going on :vv" 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
.... I really clearly dissociate myself in therapy dont I? 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
I dont really mean dissociate in like... the experience of dissociation, but the way I talk about myself and my issues in therapy REALLY sounds like Im REALLY split and like "pfft thats not me" when it fucking is ya hoe. Like its not THAT apparently until I talk about my emotions and way of doing things 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Also I gotta stop talking in first person plural so much. XD Or maybe not, cause it might be something I should stop restricting myself on. I dunno. Im curious what psychiatry will say when I go to it on the topic. And after I get MRI scans and shit on my brain so I can make sure its not like some tumor or anything that might be causing the memory issues and stuff just so they can go through the procedure of diagnosing shit 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
TFW you lazily and casually take the ECON practice exam that is 20 questions longer than the one you will take today and get an 96% on it with a little over 40 minutes to spare when you really didnt do anything other than Chem and a little bit of Animal Science for about a week Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
Honestly I kind of doubt when I say I have extremely fragmented personalities because a good 90% of the time I currently feel really like... single. I dont mean dating wise, but like... I feel like Im the only one up in my head and Im like "Nah I must have faked it before" but I vaguely remember having way too indepth discussions with "thoughts" that had extremely different opinions and voices in my head and my boyfriend claims hes seen it in my eyes / body when I claimed to be Aderis so.. Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Lately its only when Im really stressed / threatened that I hear anything in my mental space - either that or briefly when something 'stimulates' one of them I guess 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
I think I got Chem down XD I mean I learned the majority of it in the last two days cause I was on a good track for the first half of the quarter then the fires came and ruined my momentum XD

But its still pretty good. I hear the teacher curves the class two letter grades and I only need a 30% I think then? Which I know I can pull off. Plus I feel like I might know it better than a good chunk of people? Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
Yo hearing your oldest sister be like "Yeah, I didn't really care that you were more attached to him than me, I was just glad there was someone else helping out because I could barely keep you alive since there is only so much a sister could do."

Well geee.

I mean I remember being bad but not that bad :v Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
But then again I dont really remember XD At least people being really up front with how close I seemed to be to offing myself gives me validation that I really was depressed at some point like my sparknotes of my own life says :v 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Lowkey kinda wanna go back and experience again just to see how bad I really was but I think Id regret that five seconds in 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
I don't really have a good sense of when Im pushing myself too hard to be entirely honest. Usually I end up pushing myself and pushing myself unaware of the toll its having or only minimal awareness of it to the point I feel like I can do a lot more then I just suddenly snap / break / crack and am forced to stop

Its something I am working on and I only really stopped studying (out of boredom) cause I took a short rbeak to call my boyfriend and he told me to take a break Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Turns out Im kinda feeling how exhausted I was after taking about an hour break XD 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
Same kinda goes with most internal feelings, may it be hunger, exhaustion, and sometimes even just flat out pain. Im really bad at recognizing it until Im barely functioning and at that point it tends to be too late :v But Im working on it and try to listen when someone I know that can read me and that I trust tells me to take a break cos I know some people are better at telling when Im worn down than I am XD 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
Man going through your tumblr (a place you only ranted on when REALLY bad and not really wanting people to know) and specifically go back to the rants cause you know you had a tag for them

"I WANT TO DISSOCIATE. I WANT ADERIS. I DON’T WANT TO FEEL OR BE HERE." Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
[Hashtags so I could find the post if need be] #I Hate That Ive Been Stopping With My Dissociation #I Want It Back #I Dont Want To Be Here #I Dont Want To Feel For Now #If I Had To Give The Personality To Her #I Would #I Want Someone Else To Protect Me #I Want Someone Else To Handle The Stress #I Dont Want To Be The One To Take This Bullcrap #I Want Someone Who Doesnt Judge Herself #I Want Someone Who Can Say 'Fuck You And Fuck It' #I Want Someone Narcissistic And Egotistical #Just Not Me 8 months ago
Riku114 commented…
April 4th 2018 apparently. I wish I knew what happened that day XD 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
tfw you went to the nearby campus market to get more Icebreakers, forget, buy a soda and Ramune for the stream, then half an hour after you come back you just go "shit I dont have any icebreakers" Posted 8 months ago
Riku114 said …
"Yeah, youre probably right. [...] Were probably all insane.. broken. But whose fault is that!? The adults are the ones who broke us! You want to hear the truth? .. We're scared" ~Nagisa Shingetsu (DRAE) Posted 8 months ago