Claire: Who's our dumbest kid?
Phil: Luke.
Phil: The little snowflake makes it cold, cold, cold. Set Temperature makes it hold, hold, hold...
Phil [from the port-o-potty]: Just concluding a little business. Successfully, I might add!
Phil: Some people call me a salesman, I call myself a salesfriend, so obviously I need strangers to trust me. I don't take it kindly when someone Tom Sellecks my bus bench.
Phil: Just test-driving my new soup strainer. I dug it out of the Halloween stuff to see what people think.
Phil: You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.
Phil: Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby. An English gentleman in town for a polo match.
Phil: Did he trump me? You tell me. He made a painting out of a photograph one time. I have hand picked a card, drawn a heart in the steam on the medicine cabinet, and taken Claire to Fritelli's, a family style Italian restaurant, for 17 years in a row...yeah, he got me. He got me.
Phil: You never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock that they grab a hold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock.
Denise: How many other women have you led on?
Phil: I don't know now!
Luke: You had a girlfriend before mom?
Phil: I had two!
Phil: Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. Then, I met your mom.
Luke: I dunno, mom always tells me what to do.
Phil: Join the club
Claire [after eating Haley's cupcakes]: Do we still have the number for poison control?
Phil: I love you, Claire, I'll always love you!
Luke: My mouth is asleep like at the dentist.
Phil: The iPad comes out on my actual birthday. It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, "we love you, Phil."
Phil: I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.
Phil: A relationship with your father-in-law is tough. You need to prove you can stand up to him, while being respectful. It's like walking a tightrope, which by the way I can do, because I went to trapeze school.
Phil: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers; it turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.
Phil: I know I got a lot of baggage, but don't worry, I'm seeing a therapist. Just kidding. I'm fine.
Phil: A Realtor's just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere. But not me. I'm completely clueless.
Phil: Just to be clear, I'm not condoning eating your kids, but I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.
Claire: What?!?
Claire: I got pregnant with Haley.
Phil: My bad!
Phil: I brought my own snacks, not because I'm cheap — it's a matter of principle. Plus I get a little rush from the danger. Be cool, be cool, be cool! Just look straight ahead... I've never felt more alive. WoOo!
Phil: What people do in the privacy of their own sports arena should be their own business.
Phil: Put the 'he' in 'hero,' son.
