January 7, 2012,

I walked through the front door of Aunt Latoya's house and she was still away on business. I went down to the spare bedroom and Carter was taking a nap while Kyle was lying on the bed. I crawled up next to him and asked "what are you watching?" He said "that show called 'Long Island medium.' It's a reality show about this lady who can connect with people who have passed away. It's actually pretty cool!" I laughed and said "that's all a bunch of crap! There's no way that she's actually talking to dead people! I bet you all those people that she has for clients are actors that get paid to say that everything that she said was something no one else would know!"

I got out of the bed and said "now that I am off work, we should go look at some more houses to buy." Kyle moaned and said "I hate looking at houses so much! I'll be happy when we finally find one! We've looked at 20 houses just in the past week!" I said "trust me I know but; I want this to be our home forever!" He picked Carter up out of the playpen and we walked out to my truck.

We met up with a realtor and she showed us three different houses. When we got to the third one, I immediately started to point out things that I didn't like about the house and Kyle rolled his eyes. He said "AJ; we're running out of houses to look at! I'm starting to think that no house will be good enough!" I said "this is a nice house but; I can't see it as being our home!" Kyle said "I think we should take a break from looking at houses for a while; so we can start fresh." I said reluctantly "okay; but not too long!"

February 11, 2012,

Kyle and I decided a few days ago to go on a mini vacation with Carter because we don't want to be ungrateful houseguests at my aunt’s house. We pulled up in front of a house when we were in Long Island and I asked "why are we here?" He said "I want to prove to you that all that psychic stuff is real; so I made an appointment with Teresa from that show I like to watch." I rolled my eyes and said "I'll believe it when I see it!"

I unbuckled Carter from his car seat and Kyle said "just give this woman the benefit of the doubt babe because I really think she knows what she's doing! When I was on the phone with her she said that you will be her first celebrity client!"

We walked up to her door and knocked on it. A small woman with big 80s hair and long manicured nails came to the door. She said "nice to meet you AJ; my daughter Victoria really like your music!" I shook her hand and she directed us to her kitchen table. Kyle sat down next to me as I sat there with Carter on my lap. Kyle said "AJ's very skeptical about what you do Teresa! I'm hoping that you can prove her wrong!" Teresa said "she wouldn't be the first skeptic I've proven wrong!" She turned her cassette player on and started the session.

She looked at me and asked "who is the father figure that passed?" I rolled my eyes and said "obviously my dad." She said "I can see him now and he's crying tears of joy! He says 'Teresa; that's my baby! I miss her so much!'" I looked at her still not convinced that she was actually communicating with dad. Teresa asked "why do I get the feeling that your dad feels like you carry around a lot of guilt?" I didn't answer her as I thought about what she asked me. She said "your dad said 'oh Teresa; there was so much screaming and yelling!'"

I looked at her while forcing back tears and cleared my throat as I said "the night before he died! We had the worst fight we had ever had before and I almost punched him!" She said "your dad gives me the feeling that you said something that crushed him." I struggled not to cry and said "I said that I didn't need him anymore!" She said "your dad's spirit just looked at me and grabbed me. He said 'Teresa; I don't want Alanna to feel guilty about that! She feels like she caused my death and I don't want her to feel that way because it's not true!!!'"

I held Kyle's hand and a single tear streamed down my face as I said "okay; there's no doubt in my mind that all this psychic stuff is real!" Kyle said "I knew you would believe her!" Teresa said "I promise you AJ; it's your dad talking to me; I'm not making it up!"

I wiped my eyes and what she asked next totally freaked me out. She asked "what's with the keys? Your dad makes me feel like you have some sort of connection with keys." I looked at Kyle and both of our jaws dropped open. I jumped up from my seat and asked "how do you know about the keys? This is creeping me out now!" Teresa said "I told you that your dad's talking to me right now! That's how I know; what's with the keys? Your dad keeps saying 'the keys, Teresa, the keys!!!!'"

I dug into my pocket with a huge smile on my face now realizing that it really was my dad and pulled my truck keys out. I put them down on the table and she said "your dad said to me 'you can't figure out what the other keys are for; can you?’" Kyle and I looked at each other and said in unison "no; we've tried them in every lock we own and neither of them fit in anything! Please tell us what they go to!" Teresa said "I'm looking at your dad standing behind you right now and he's laughing. He said 'I can't tell you because I don't want to give it away! Just know that you can eventually figure out what the keys go to; but try to hurry because time could run out at any moment! By the way; you're doing an amazing job raising Carter! I'm so proud of you AJ! I'm sorry I left you! Trust me when I say that I definitely wasn't ready to leave this world!'" Teresa said "your dad's spirit just leaned over and kissed both you and Carter on the cheek. Your dad wants you to know that even though he isn't here anymore, he is always with you in spirit! His spirit never leaves your side and he's always watching over you just like he did when he was alive!"

I smiled and Kyle passed me Carter as he said "you should go outside; I want to ask your dad something privately while we're here with Teresa!" I looked at him confused and said "okay; Carter and I will be waiting outside in the car for you." I looked at Teresa and hugged her as I said "thank you for making me believe that my dad really is here with me and that he never left!" She said "you're welcome; I hope you don't have a hard time figuring out what those keys belong to! I was hoping your dad would be more help but; I guess not!" I said as I left carrying Carter in my arms "that's alright; we're driving straight home from here so I can start looking again!"

As I sat out there in the truck waiting for Kyle to finish talking to Teresa, I couldn't help but wonder why he didn't want me to be there! More importantly though, what do those keys belong to? Why is it important that we figure out what they go to soon? Why did dad say that time is running out? What is time running out on? There's so many questions that I want answers to!

February 19, 2012,

Kyle had just gotten back from the automotive shop and was going to change the oil in my truck for me. He came into the spare bedroom at Aunt Latoya's house and looked at me as I tried fitting the keys into several different things. He asked "any luck yet?" I sighed and said "no." He said "I know you don't like reading tabloid magazines about you but this one made me laugh; so I just had to bring it home for you to see!"

He tossed the magazine down in front of me and written on the cover was "is Alanna Jackson gay or changing genders?" I raised my eyebrows and said "I'm not even going to read this crap about me! I'm not gay and even if I was; why does it matter to them? Did they forget that I have a son? I've obviously had sex with a guy before! I'm not transsexual either! Just because I like to wear guy clothes doesn't mean I want to be a guy!" Kyle said "I don't understand why they do that to you! Even when the paparazzi take pictures of you and me kissing in public, they still think you're gay!" I said "I don't know and I don't care! All I care about is that you know I'm not gay! Tabloid stories are one of the only things that I hate about being famous! It can be so annoying!"

February 20, 2012,

I had just gotten home from a long day in the studio when my cell phone started ringing. I answered it and it was my uncle Jermaine. I asked arrogantly "what do you want?" He said "your grandmother wants you to come pick up your dog because she's not taking care of it anymore!" I asked "can't you just asked her to watch him for a few more weeks?" He said "no; Drake is your dog and you should be taking care of him!" I said "I wish you wouldn't be so hard on me! It's not that I don't want to take of him but; I'm staying with Aunt Latoya right now and her dog doesn't get along with other dogs! I know grandma doesn't mind having him there and you're just using that as an excuse to complain! Drake is almost 13 years old! He probably only has a few good years left and I don't want to have to move him from house to house because his body can't handle that!" Uncle Jermaine said "that's not my problem! Come get your dog or I'm calling the pound to pick him up!" Without even saying anything, I hung up the phone and stood at the kitchen counter looking down in disbelief.

Kyle asked "what's wrong?" I said "we have to go to Havenhurst to pick up Drake or else my uncle is going to drop him off at the pound. I don't know where we're going to go; but we can't stay here! That just wouldn't be fair of us to ask my aunt if we could bring the dog here! She's already going out of her way to make us feel comfortable in her home and that's including making it safe for my three-year-old son to live in!" Kyle said "I guess we're going to have to just find a dog friendly hotel that all of us can stay in until you buy a house."

I drove to Havenhurst with Kyle and Carter in my truck. As I sat there in the driveway, I saw Prince open up the front door to the house and try to coax Drake outside. Kyle and I got out of the truck, leaving Carter sitting in his car seat just a few feet away. We walked up to Prince and I looked at how sad Drake looked. I said "he just looks like a depressed old man!" Prince said "he only walks for about an hour day and the rest of the time he’s either sleeping or eating!"

We were able to get Drake to walk halfway to my truck and Kyle said "I'll carry him the rest of the way!" Kyle picked Drake up and lifted him into the back seat of the truck next to Carter. Carter got all excited and said "my puppy; I missed him!" I said "be very gentle when you pet him because he's hurting a lot!" I shut the back door to my truck and uncle Jermaine walked outside the house. He said "hi AJ; I'm glad to see that you did what I told you to do for once!" I said as I climbed into the driver’s seat "I have nothing to say to you!" He said almost seeming to want to start an argument with me "it would've been a shame to see your dog that you've had since you were five years old spend the rest of his days in a pound!" I said trying my best to control my temper "walk away uncle Jermaine; just walk away." He asked "why; do you have a problem with me?" I slammed my truck door shut and said "if you know what's good for you, you'll walk away like I asked you to!"

Uncle Jermaine laughed and asked "why; what are you going to do to me if I don't?" I looked at Kyle and he whispered "let's just leave!" I unlocked my truck door and Kyle said "just ignore him AJ; he's not worth it!" I locked the door again and uncle Jermaine said "that's what I thought; you're all talk; no action AJ!" I grind my teeth and swiftly unlocked the driver’s side door as I swatted Kyle's arm away from me! I said "drive the truck to the other side of the house Kyle because I don't want Carter to see this!"

After Kyle did what I asked him to do, I rolled up my sleeves to my hoodie and said "if a fight is what you want then that's what I'll give you!" Uncle Jermaine said "I'm waiting for it!" I punched him in the side of his face and he was taken aback by how strong I was! I sarcastically laughed and asked "you weren't expecting that; were you?" He punched me across my face and I got back up and kicked him to the ground. He punched me several times in my face until I got a black eye and a split lip. I kept getting back up and he asked feeling fatigued "how can you keep getting up?" I spit the blood that was coming from my lip out of my mouth and said "one thing you should know about me is that I don't back down! We could be fighting like this all night long; that's up to you!"

He walked off in the other direction and I texted Kyle to bring the truck back around. As uncle Jermaine walked inside the house I shouted "don't start what you can't finish!" Kyle pulled the truck up to me and moved over to the passenger seat. I climbed inside and he turned my face with his hand. He asked "what happened to you? He gave you a black eye and split your lip babe!" I took a napkin out of the glove compartment and started to wipe the blood off of my bottom lip as I said "it's no big deal! I think he started to realize that he couldn't handle what he thought he could." Kyle asked "why didn't you just ignore him? Why did you have to get into a physical fight with him?" I said "because I'm not just going to let him think he can intimidate me like that! I'm not the type to mess with because I will put someone in their place if I need to! Uncle Jermaine needed to know that I wasn't scared of him and that I never will be! The only thing that I was worried about was making sure that Carter didn't see me kick my uncle’s ass!!! Carter didn't see anything; so it's all good!"

February, 21, 2012,

I'm definitely starting to feel the pressure to find our forever home because now we have Drake with us and a hotel room isn't the best place for him to be right now. Kyle, Carter, and I were running errands when I recognized a familiar sign in the distance. I said "I think that's Neverland ranch! You want to go see what the outside of where I grew up looks like?" Kyle said "sure; but did you forget that I used to stay at Neverland with you guys when we came to visit? I already know what it looks like!" I said "I know; but I want to show Carter!"

I pulled the truck up to the entrance and we got out. Kyle held Carter in his arms and I said "Crap; the gate is shut and you can't see anything!" Kyle said "that sucks; I guess we'll just have to go back to the hotel now." I looked at a Palm tree that was planted right outside the gate and saw that the top of the tree overlapped through to the other side. I looked at Carter and said "don't ever try what mommy's about to because it's really bad and you can get into trouble!"

Kyle knew exactly what I was planning to do and said "AJ; please don't climb that tree!" I said "it's too late for that" as I scaled the tree to the very top. I waited a few seconds looking back and forth from the tree and the other side of the gate to see if I could make the jump. Kyle said "Alanna you going to fall and kill yourself; please don't!"

Finally, I jumped from the Palm tree over the top of the gate and onto the other side. I slid down the gate and onto the ground. I pressed the open button on the keypad that was drilled into the brick wall and the gate opened. Kyle's eyes widened as I motioned for him to walk beyond the gate and he whispered "are you crazy? We can get in some serious trouble for breaking and entering AJ!" I said as I pulled him inside "just chill out; there's nothing to worry about because once I shut the gate again no one will know that we're back here!"

I shut the gate and we started looking around. This didn't even look like the same yard that I played in for so many years! All the flowers that surrounded the giant clock in front of the house had died and some of the statues of children were missing. We slowly made our way behind the house and I saw the amusement park rides. I ran over to them and it looked like they hadn't been running in years.

About 80 feet away, I spotted the giant metal cages and sanctuaries we used to keep the zoo animals in. Kyle put Carter on the ground and held his hand as we walked up to one of the cages. I looked down and one of the bowls still had small remains of food inside it. I whispered under my breath "I can't believe this is what's become of my childhood home!" Kyle put his hand on my shoulder and said "if you want to leave we can!" I said "no; I want to stay!"

We walked down the pathway that leads to the front door of the main house and my phone vibrated because I received text message. I reached in my pocket to grab my phone and I felt my keychain inside it. I took the keys out and looked at Kyle. I looked at the front door to the house and Kyle said "it's worth a try!" I selected the first of the two keys and attempted to stick it inside the lock; but it didn't fit.

I sighed with disappointment and Kyle said "you can still try the other key." I put the other key in between my fingertips and doubtfully pushed it towards the lock. I stuck it inside and was shocked to see that it fit! Kyle said "don't get too excited; just because it fits in the lock doesn't mean it'll turn." I hesitated as I turned the key and heard clicking noises of the intertwining locks coming undone.

I looked at Kyle in total shock and opened up the door. I was so unprepared for what was on the other side. The second the door opened, I caught a glimpse of pure hell! I looked around and anything you could possibly imagine was covering the floor! I couldn't even tell what was what because of how much stuff there was! I could barely walk a few feet without stepping on something. Kyle asked "how the heck did the house ever get to be like this?" I said "it had to have been the police raid back in 2005! This must've been what dad didn't want me to see!"

I looked at the long winding staircase and we slowly walked up it. I shivered as I looked around the corner at what used to be Prince and Paris's bedrooms. I didn't even want to walk in because I could see that it looked like a tornado had blown through! We walked down the hallway and I saw my bedroom. I reluctantly walked inside and immediately felt uncomfortable. My room was nothing like I remembered it! The police officers even have the guts to tear posters off my wall just enough so they were barely hanging there by one measly piece of tape!"

I walked out of the room and down to my dad's master bedroom. Kyle asked "are you sure you want to go in there knowing what you've seen in the other rooms?" Tears dripped down my face and onto the floor as I forced out the words "yeah; I can handle it!"

I couldn't handle it; the state of my dad's bedroom was the worst of them all! The police had even gone so far as to cut giant holes in his mattress!!! I sat down because I started to feel dizzy and Kyle asked "are you okay?" Before I could answer him, Carter asked "mommy; what's that big black metal box? I looked up as I wiped tears away from my eyes and said "it looks like a safe!" I walked over to it and said "it doesn't look like the police officers drilled this one open because the lock is still attached!"

I remembered the other key and took it out of my pocket. It fit perfectly inside the locket on the safe and I turned it. I opened the door to the safe and looked up at Kyle as I saw one piece of paper sitting inside it. I said "I'm too afraid to take the piece of paper out; you do it!" He slowly grabbed the piece of paper and stared at it.

After a few minutes of silence, I stood up and asked "what is it babe? He said as he stuttered "I – I think it's the deed to Neverland ranch and there's a blank spot above where it says 'current owner signature'." I asked "so; what's your point?" He passed me the piece of paper and my dad's name was written on a line that said "previous owner signature." Underneath that in very small print was written "I hereby declare that by signing this document I am giving all the rights to whomever has written their signature on the opposite line making him or her the sole owner of this property stated as 'Neverland Valley ranch.'"

I looked up from the piece of paper and Kyle said "I think that line is blank because your dad had intended to sign the ranch over to you this whole time!” I wasted no time signing my name where it belonged and we immediately brought the document to the courthouse for approval. I was easily approved and now officially the owner of Neverland in a matter of minutes. We went from living in a hotel with no plans on leaving soon; to now finding out that the home I've always wanted was always rightfully mine to begin with!

February 23, 2012,

Since we suddenly moved into Neverland, I decided to take a month off of working on my new album to start cleaning up the house. I at least want to clean up my old bedroom so Carter can have his own room because now that he's three years old he's getting too big for the playpen that he’s sleeping in. At the moment, Kyle and I are sleeping together on a small twin size mattress due to the lack of space.

I opened my eyes this morning and the first thing I saw was this huge mess of things that I needed to go through. I got off the mattress and my back felt very stiff because of how uncomfortable it is for two people to be sleeping on such a small area. I looked over at the playpen and saw that Carter was still sleeping. Kyle opened his eyes and I said "good; you're awake! You and I need to start going through all this stuff; so we can make this into our home and not just a storage unit because that's what it feels like at the moment!" Kyle rubbed his eyes and said "if I didn't want to be able to fit a bigger mattress in this room so badly I would go back to sleep!"

He stood up and I immediately went over to my childhood bedroom. I started to go through piles of stuff and soon after, Kyle walked in. I asked "weren't you going to clean out the room that we are sleeping in?" He said "I didn't know what you wanted to keep because most of it looks like your dad's books so; I just put everything in a bunch of cardboard boxes and brought it down to the basement for you to go through later! I think it's more important now that we just focus on moving some of this stuff down to the basement so we can make space for us to live in."

Truthfully, I didn't want to start going to all those things yet because I thought it would be too painful to remember those things about Neverland! That caused me to agree with Kyle's plan to move pretty much everything except the essentials down to the basement without even looking at it. I know I'll get to it eventually but; I'm still a lot of pain from losing my dad and the last thing I want to do is sort through old memories!

After six hours’ worth of moving almost everything down to the basement in cardboard boxes, we were able to set up the couch in the living room. I also called the cable company so we wouldn't have to go without having it hooked up any longer. We moved the playpen into my old bedroom, which will now be Carter's bedroom and put a whole bunch of my old toys in there for him to play with. If I wasn't so exhausted, I would've set up my twin size bed that was in there, so Carter could start sleeping in that. I know that he's probably going to get out of bed 100 times just like I did with my dad when he was transitioning me from the crib to the bed; so I'd rather do that when I have more energy!


March 4, 2012,

Slowly but surely, I'm making Neverland back into the home that I know it can be! There's hardly any clutter anymore and it's really starting to look like a house again. I guess I have to really start raising Carter because now I have no excuse not to. Before my excuse was that we didn't have a stable environment.

Kyle, Carter, and I were all sitting down at the table in the kitchen eating Kentucky fried chicken for dinner. Carter said "I'm done eating; I'm going to go play now!" I said "no; you're not because I want you to eat a few more bites before you leave the table.” He got up from the table anyway and I said "Carter; you need to come back here and sit down!" He responded by shouting "NO; YOU CAN'T MAKE ME MOMMY!"

I was completely ready to ignore him and let him get away with it; but Kyle wasn't having it! He said "you can't let him get away with talking to you like that AJ!" Kyle walked out of the room and came back carrying Carter in his arms. He placed him in the corner and said "I'm putting you in timeout because you weren't talking to mommy nicely. You don't move until I get you from that spot!"

I forced back laughter as Carter pretty much laughed in Kyle's face about the timeout and ran away. Kyle looked at me and couldn't believe that I was laughing as he said "you can't laugh AJ; he's going to think this whole timeout thing is a joke!" I continued to laugh and said "I don't really think he deserved a timeout for that Kyle! I don't think that I'm going to have to be a strict parent with him like my dad was with me! I'll deal with disciplining him and if I need your help I'll ask for it!" Kyle rolled his eyes and said "fine; but I'm telling you right now that your laid-back parenting approach won't work!"

Before I could respond to him, Carter yelled something that surprised both Kyle and I. He yelled "I won this time daddy!" Kyle looked at me with a smile on his face and asked "did he just call me daddy instead of Kyle?" Both of us went into the play room where Carter was and I asked "did you just call Kyle daddy?" Carter said "yeah because he is my daddy!" I looked at Kyle debating whether or not to tell Carter the truth about his father but; Kyle whispered "wait a few more years!" Kyle asked "does this mean you're going to call me daddy from now on Carter?" Carter gave Kyle a kiss on the cheek and said "yeah!"

March 9, 2012,

There was a knock at the front door of Neverland ranch and I answered it. I let my manager Frank inside and he was carrying a huge box of stuff. He dropped it on the table and I asked "what's all this?" He said "some of the products that are for sale on your online store. I brought it over because I thought you would want to see them.” Kyle came downstairs and greeted Frank as he walked over to me.

Kyle and I sat in the chairs around the table and Frank started pulling stuff out of the box. He threw some T-shirts down that were in all different sizes from children to adults. Frank grabbed a pair of pajamas from the box and put them down in front of me. The top of the pajamas was a picture from one of the photo shoots for my album and the bottom just had my name repeated all over it really cool font. I said "it's so cool thinking that kids actually want my face on their pajamas!" Frank showed me six more different styles of official "Alanna Jackson" pajamas before moving on to something else.

He grabbed over 30 rolled up posters and passed them to Kyle. Kyle started to unravel them and said "babe, we should hang some of these up around the house!" I laughed and said "no, that makes it seem like I'm self-absorbed!" Frank said "you guys could put these on your bed!" He tossed me two throw pillows with my face printed on them in different styles and Kyle said "that's so awesome!" Frank struggled to pull something that was big out of the box and placed it on the floor. Frank said "look AJ; you have an official 'Alanna Jackson' bedding set! Don't you think that's cool? Blankets, comforter, sheets, and pillow cases!" I rolled my eyes playfully and said "kind of; but it's really creepy having my face on the comforter and my signature repeated all over sheets!" Frank said "if that creeps you out, wait until you see this!"

He pulled out what seemed to be just a piece of square cardboard and then he unfolded it. Kyle started cracking up and asked "is that seriously a life-size cardboard cutout of AJ?" Frank assembled it and Kyle couldn't stop laughing at my reaction. He said "stand next to your cardboard self; so I can take a picture!" I put my arm around the cardboard cutout that stood just as tall as I am and Kyle took a picture with the camera on his cell phone. I said "there; now get that thing out of here because I don't like how its staring at me!" Kyle said "oh no; you and I are keeping that cardboard cutout of yourself!" Frank and I laughed because we thought he was joking and Kyle said "I'm serious!" I said "you've got to be kidding me! We are not keeping that thing! What do you plan on doing with that anyway?" He said "I am keeping it because it will keep me company while you're gone next time you go on tour; so I'm not lonely! Plus I can practice kissing you on the cardboard cutout!" I said "fine; you can keep the cardboard cutout; but I don't want see it because it's creepy how lifelike it is! Don't get any ideas about the comforter and pillows because that's all leaving with Frank! Most of this stuff is just really weird for me!"

March 12, 2012,

It was 7:30 at night and I had just gotten done giving Carter a bath. Kyle followed us into Carter's bedroom and suggested "why don't we have him sleep in the normal bed instead of his crib?" I said "I don't know; do you think he is ready for that?" Carter jumped with excitement as he said "the big bed mommy!" Kyle looked at me and said "there's your answer." I reluctantly gave in and we started to put the SpongeBob bedding on the mattress.

After the bed was made, I put the flatscreen TV that was in his room on Nickelodeon and tucked him into bed. I kissed his forehead and said "good night buddy; daddy and I will see you in the morning." Kyle said "sleep tight Carter; I love you!" Carter responded "I love you too daddy!"

Kyle and I went to our bedroom and got ready for bed. Just as we were getting comfortable and finding something to watch on TV, Carter came into the room. I asked "what are you doing out of bed?" He said "I can't sleep!" I said "just watch TV until you fall asleep." I got up and walked him back to his bed. I kissed his forehead again and said "I'll see you in the morning!"

About 15 minutes later, Carter came back into our room and climbed in between the two of us. Kyle asked "aren't you going to bring him back to his bed?" I said "it's no big deal if he wants to stay in our room." Kyle rolled his eyes and said "I can't believe you're going to give up that easily!" I said "I'm not giving up; I just don't really care if he falls asleep in here." He responded "I don't like the idea of him getting used to sleeping in our room!" I said "it's just for tonight; it's not like its forever!"

April, 18, 2012,

I had just gotten home at midnight after a long day of working on my new album and walked through the front door of the house. I noticed that my dog Drake was lying on the ground with his eyes barely open and that caught my attention. I knelt down next to him and asked "are you okay Drake?" He licked my hand and took a deep breath. He calmly looked up at me just before shutting his eyes. I put my hand on his chest and didn't feel his heartbeat.

I ran upstairs and screamed "Kyle; hurry… I think something is wrong with Drake." Kyle jumped out of bed and followed me downstairs. The two of us ran over to Drake was still lying on the ground and Kyle put his hand on his chest. Kyle looked at me and said "I think he's gone AJ!" My eyes started to water and I said "no; he can't be gone! He can't be dead; HE JUST CAN'T!" He said "I'm sorry babe; I wish there was something I could do!" I said "Drake was more than just the dog to me! He was a piece of my dad that I'll never be able to get back!" Kyle said "you have to look at it positively! He lived to be 13 years old which is really old in dog years!" I said as I stroked Drake's fur "he was such a good dog!"

Kyle did his best to console me as I sobbed into his chest and he said "you should probably go get some rest because you've had a long day! I don't want you to worry about it; I'll go bury Drake in the backyard." I said "he waited all day for me to get home just so he could take his last breath! He wanted me here with him when he died!"

I walked upstairs and climbed into our bed next to Carter. Having him there made it a little bit easier on me; even though he was fast asleep. 30 minutes later, Kyle came into the room and lay down on the bed. I asked "did you bury him?" Kyle said feeling saddened by the reality of the situation "yeah." I looked down at Carter and said "I never thought that I would have to have the talk about death with Carter tomorrow! I don't think he's going to really understand much because he's only three years old; but at least we can try to explain it to him." Kyle said "I don't think so either; but I'll be there for support!" I kissed Kyle good night and turned on the TV as I drifted off to sleep.

April 19, 2012,

I stood downstairs drinking my morning coffee and looking around. By now, if Drake was here he would be running around and reality is starting to hit me that he's gone! Kyle brought Carter downstairs and looked at me as I stared at Drake's empty food dish. Carter asked "where did Drake go mommy and daddy?" I looked at Kyle with desperation in my eyes and the three of us sat down on the living room couch.

Carter asked once more "where's Drake mommy and daddy?" I sighed and asked "you know how I told you that my daddy who is your papa is living in the sky with the Angels in heaven?" Carter responded as he looked up at me "yeah." I said "well; last night Drake went to stay with papa and the Angels in heaven." Carter said "okay" and started to play with his toys.

I took a sigh of relief because I was glad that he took it so well and I looked over at Kyle who barely smiled at me as he patted my shoulder. As Carter was playing with his Legos, he looked up at me and asked "mommy; when are Drake and papa going to come back from heaven in the sky?"

I couldn't even respond to Carter and ran upstairs into my bedroom. Kyle ran after me and I shut the bedroom door as he sat down on the bed. I said "what Carter just said made me feel like someone was stabbing me in my heart over and over again! What am I supposed to say that? 'Papa and Drake aren't coming back from heaven because they are dead?'" Tears flowed from my eyes as I collapsed on the bed next to Kyle and he said "he was just curious; I'm pretty sure that he's forgotten all about his question by now." I cried into his shoulder as I said "I miss my dad and Drake so much! I don't understand why they both had to die so suddenly! Drake died about 30 seconds after I got home yesterday! I feel like I could have kept him alive if he just waited a little bit longer for me to realize that something was wrong with him!" Kyle responded "there's nothing you could have done to save him Alanna. He was just really old and it was his time to leave. You can't feel guilty for that because it's not your fault at all! Stop blaming yourself! Don't you remember what your dad told you when we met with the psychic Teresa? He told you that he didn't want you to feel guilty about him dying and I'm pretty sure that’s exactly how Drake would feel when it comes to him as well!" I said "you're right; I do have to stop beating myself up emotionally for things that I cannot control."

May, 6, 2012,

We made our way upstairs to the bedroom and I playfully tossed Carter on the bed. Kyle said "I really think that you should have him sleep in his bed tonight AJ because I'm tired of being woken up by his little hands whacking me in the face at three in the morning!" Carter said "I don't want to sleep in my room all by myself! I want to stay in here with you and mommy!" Kyle said "all mommy and I are doing in here is sleeping just like you would be doing in your room Carter. I don't understand why you want to be in here!" I wanted to stop the small argument that was developing and said "daddy's right Carter you should be sleeping in your room."

I picked him up and brought him to his bed. I put the blanket over him and turned the TV on as I kissed his forehead and said "good night." Instead of getting out of bed this time, he sat in his bed crying and saying "I need you mommy; come in here!" I couldn't help but look over at him while I lay there in our bedroom as he turned bright red and tears streamed down his face. Kyle knew exactly what I was thinking and said "don't go in there AJ! That's what he wants you to do! He'll fall asleep eventually!" I looked at Kyle and said "I don't know how you can just ignore him when he's crying like that!"

I was fighting my maternal instinct to go in there and shower my baby with love and attention. I could barely handle hearing him call for me like that and not being able to walk in there. He looked so sad and I was almost mad at Kyle for talking me out of it because I wanted to make sure Carter didn't feel like I didn't care that he was crying; but I knew deep down that Kyle was right so I stayed in our bedroom watching Carter cry from the doorway to his room. I definitely had a hard time falling asleep.

June 3, 2012,

We had just gotten done eating dinner and all three of us were in the living room watching TV. Carter said "give me my bottle mommy!" Kyle said "hey; don't talk to mommy like that Carter! If you want your bottle then ask nicely for it!" Before Carter even had the chance to correct the way he had spoken to me, I had already filled a baby bottle up with Apple juice.

I passed the bottle to Carter and Kyle raised his eyebrows as he asked" don't you think he's a little too old to be drinking from that thing?" I said "he is my little baby and if he wants to drink from a bottle he can!" Kyle said "but that's the thing AJ; he isn't a baby anymore! He's three years old and way too old to be drinking from a baby bottle!"

I didn't respond to Kyle as I tried to come up with an adequate excuse. Carter pulled on the sleeve to my sweatshirt and I bent down and asked "is it your diaper again?" Carter shook his head in agreement and Kyle said "that's another thing AJ! He is too old to be wearing those!" I said "oh my God Kyle; will you stop being so critical of my parenting for a second?" Kyle raised his eyebrows and said "I'm not trying to make you mad AJ; I'm just stating the obvious!"

I stormed upstairs and slammed the door in Kyle's face; but he immediately opened it back up and sat down next to me on the bed. He asked "what's your problem?" I said "you don't see where I'm coming from at all; do you?" He said "not really; I don't see why you don't just throw the bottles away and teach Carter to use the toilet! It's actually pretty ridiculous from my point of view! He's three years old!"

I snapped and said "he's my baby; I don't want him to grow up; at least not yet!" Kyle started laughing which only irritated me more and I said "I don't find this funny at all!" He said "I'm not laughing at you; I'm laughing at what you're defending! You do realize that the longer you wait to get rid of those things the harder it'll be when you finally do; right?" I started to understand what Kyle was getting at and said "I guess you're right; it's just hard to let him grow up! I totally understand why my dad had a hard time letting me grow now that I'm at the same point with Carter! I guess we should get rid of that stuff; but I don't want to get rid of both of them at once because that's just unfair to Carter!" Kyle asked "which one do you want to throw out first?” I said "the bottles because the diapers will probably be a bit of a process. Starting next week, bye-bye baby bottles!" Kyle smiled and said "I think deep down Carter is more than ready to throw the bottles away! I think it's you that doesn't want to let go!" I said "I'm sorry for snapping at you; I just get really defensive when it comes to my baby boy!" He said "that's alright and I'll be there to help you every step of the way!"

June 8, 2012,

I was going through some of my dad's things that were in cardboard boxes in the basement when I came across a copy of the lyrics to his song "best of joy" written in his handwriting. I softly sang the words "I'm forever; I am who came when you fell down… I was the only one around. Nothing's worth hurting you!" I skipped a few lines and sang the words "we need each other! We'll never part! Our love is from the heart!" I sang the next verse "we never say I don't need you!"

I turned the page expecting to see the rest of the song written there; but instead there was something written so small in the margins I could barely make out what it said. After a few minutes of staring at it, I read out loud "January 5th 1997, for my little tomboy! Everything I've always wanted to say to you I just wrote in a song at three in the morning. I just want you to know that no matter how many people come in and out of your life, you can always count on me to be there AJ no matter what! I am forever; we are forever! – Daddy"

I immediately burst out into tears and that was the first time since my father's death that I didn't hesitate to cry! Kyle came running down into the basement and frantically asked "what's wrong? Why are you crying?" I said "I didn't realize this entire time that my dad wrote 'best of joy’ about me! He wrote it when I was almost 3 years old and one of the lyrics really hurts to read because it's so ironic!" Kyle asked "what's the lyric?" I said "we never say 'I don't need you!'" Kyle asked "why is that ironic?" I said "because the night before he died one of the last things I ever said to him was 'I don't need you anymore!'”

Kyle huddled in the corner of the basement with me as I cried into his shoulder and said "my dad said that he was forever and that we were forever; but then he ended up dying so I guess he wasn't forever after all!" Kyle continued to read this song and said "look at the next verse though; it says 'we'll never part; our love is from the heart!'" Kyle wiped my tears and said "your dad didn't leave you AJ; he'll forever be in your heart just like the song says." I said "I would never have looked at it that way; but I guess you're right!"

July 10, 2012,

I was sitting at the dining room table having a business meeting with my manager Frank when my grandmother called my cell phone. I answered it as I put it on speaker and she said "hi AJ; how are things going over at Neverland? I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a while since you got into that physical fight with Jermaine!" I said not really wanting to hear what she had to say "I've been doing just fine without you; thank you very much!" She said "oh well; I was just calling to make sure you're going to be attending the candlelight vigil in front of the house in Gary Indiana where your father grew up."

Before I could answer her, Frank said "I've already booked AJ's schedule full for that entire week! There's no way she can go!" I begged "can't you just cancel some things Frank? I've never been to the house in Gary Indiana before and I really want to see it!" Frank said "I'm sorry kid; but sometimes being famous means you need to make some sacrifices for your fans!" Grandma said "so; I'll take that as a no on going to Indiana with us. That's alright AJ; there's always next time!" I sighed with disappointment and said "I love you grandma; have fun when you go to Gary Indiana without me; goodbye!" She said "I'll take some pictures of the house for you dear; I love you too; goodbye." This is one of the times when being really famous sucks!

July 14, 2012,

I stood in the kitchen with Kyle standing next to me holding a trashcan in his arms and saying "just throw it in already AJ; enough is enough!" I looked in the living room as Carter stood there screaming "don't throw it out! Don't listen to daddy; mommy please I need my bottle!!!!!" I looked at Kyle and said "I feel so bad for him! I've never seen him cry that hard before! Do you think we should really throw the bottles out?" Kyle said "without a doubt; if you don't throw it away I'm going to! He's too old for that thing!"

I threw the last few baby bottles in the trashcan and Carter let out a bloodcurdling scream from the living room. He ran into the kitchen and tried to reach the bottles at the bottom of the trashcan; but his arms were too short. Kyle picked Carter up and said cheerfully "you don't need the bottles anymore! Don't you want to drink from this cool sippy cup?" Carter grabbed the cup from Kyle and I smiled as I said "see; the sippy cup isn't that bad!"

Carter looked like he was about to take a drink; but instead he threw the cup clear across the room and it hit the wall with a bang. I said "I should have expected he would do that!" Carter said with tears in his eyes "please mommy I want my bottle back!!!" Kyle could see that I was about to give in and he said "no more bottles Carter. You're a big boy and you don't need them anymore!"

I took Carter out of Kyle's arms and picked the sippy cup up off of the ground. I took a sip out of it and said "this isn't the end of the world buddy! It's exactly what I put in your bottle!" Kyle brought the trash outside and I think that's when Carter realized he wasn't going to get his way because he took a sip from the cup. Kyle and I smiled and I said "see… You're still alive!" I put him down on the ground and he ran off into the other room carrying the sippy cup in his hands.

I said as I smiled at Kyle" thanks for saving me there! I was so close to giving in to him!" He responded "I could tell; that's why I brought the trash outside!!! I said as I picked up Carter "come on; it's time for bed!" I carried Carter up to his room with Kyle walking behind me and put him in his bed. He passed me the sippy cup and I shook it. I asked "you drank all of that already? Do you want me to get you some more?" Carter shook his head in agreement and Kyle bent down to kiss him. I turned Carter's TV on and shut off the light as I went down to the kitchen.

August 29, 2012,

I was just getting back from an interview for a late night talk show when my phone started ringing. I answered it and said "hi Paris; how was the candlelight vigil in Gary?" She said "it was awesome! I tried to call you earlier; but you didn't pick up!" I said "I would've if I wasn't so busy." She said "I understand; I wish you could see how small the house on 2300 Jackson St. is! It's much smaller than I expected! There are only two bedrooms! Grandma was telling us that she and grandpa would sleep in one. Then daddy and all our uncles would sleep in the other while all the girls slept in the living room!" Just as I was about to answer her, she said "grandma says that I have to go now; goodbye!"

Kyle said as he greeted me "she sounded excited!" I said "I wish I could've gone! I'm so mad at Frank for over scheduling me on my dad's birthday!" Kyle said "you look exhausted babe." I said as I rubbed my eyes" it's because I am! Frank has me running here, there, and everywhere trying to get people excited for my sophomore album! I have a feeling that he's going to tell me that we should go on tour again when I don't really want to!" Kyle looked at me puzzled and asked "I thought you liked going on tour?" I said "I do; but I don't like leaving Carter and you! I wish I could become an actress instead because there would at least be a little less traveling involved! I don't know if this is just my ADHD talking but; I'm kind of getting tired of making music! I want to start to explore a more stable career opportunity for me out there!" Kyle asked "so what's stopping you?" I said "you know what; you're right! I'm really mad at Frank and to get back at him I'm going to see if there is any TV shows that would want me to play a guest role!" He said "sounds good to me! Maybe you'll get to be in a sitcom!"

September 1, 2012,

I had a half day of work today so I went shopping. I walked through the front door of the house at Neverland with seven bags in my arms. Kyle helped me bring the bags into the living room and asked "what is all this stuff?" I said "you'll see in a minute!"

Carter came into the room and I asked "do you want to see what I got you Carter?" He got excited and said "yes, show me!" Kyle glanced into one of the bags and said "FINALLY!" I pulled out a potty seat from the bag and Carter asked "what is it?" Kyle said "you can learn how to use this; so hopefully daddy especially won't have to change anymore diapers anytime soon!" Carter grabbed a pack of SpongeBob underwear from the bags and said "I want to put these on!" Kyle said eagerly "come on then!!! I can't wait until I never have to change your diaper again!"

Just like I thought he would, minutes after putting them on Carter decided to test them out! Thanks to him, I now have a huge yellow stain on the brand-new couch I bought last week. I looked at Kyle as he laughed at my desperate attempt to get the stain out and said "this is not funny!" He said "yes it is! You're the one that shouldn't have bought a white couch! Did you see his face; it was hilarious! I think it freaked him out!" Kyle continued to laugh as I said "it's all your fault!" He said "my fault; how is it my fault?" I said "because he said 'it's coming daddy’ and you didn't listen; you idiot!"

I playfully smacked the back of Kyle's head and he said "you were standing right there too! How was I supposed to know that's what he meant when he said it was coming?" I said "I'm joking; I'm not really mad at you! I'll just flip the couch cushion over to the other side." Carter came running into the living room and said "I need new SpongeBobs again!" I said "again! I just changed you! How can one person go to the bathroom so much within a matter of 10 minutes?” Kyle laughed and said "maybe this toilet training thing isn't as easy as it looks!" I said "and the worst part is we haven't even made it into the bathroom yet! I'm telling Frank to make my schedule really full; so you are the one that has to deal with this mess during the day; not me!" Kyle laughed and said "you better be joking because I'm not doing this on my own!"

September 7, 2012,

I walked through the door of the house and couldn't wait to share the news with Kyle that I had booked a role for a pilot episode of a new show that might be on Nickelodeon called 'my stepbrother is a secret agent’ I ran into the house and passed by one of the bathrooms to see that Kyle was in there with Carter.

I hid my excitement as I walked in and asked "how's it going in here?" Kyle responded "I don't really know; he at least told me he has to go!" I said "oh; well I have some news to tell you." He asked "what is it?" I said "I'll tell you in a little while." I looked at Carter and asked "is today going to be the day Carter?" Carter said "I was waiting for you to get home! I have to pee really badly now!" Kyle asked as he looked at Carter "you mean to tell me you've had to go this entire time but you were waiting for mommy to get home?" Carter shook his head in agreement with a look of desperation on his face as I laughed. I said "well; you can go now! I'm here like you want me to be!"

Kyle and I both smiled as we heard the sound of something trickling. I shouted with excitement "THAT'S MY BOY!" Kyle said "GOOD JOB! That's perfect timing because that is the last pair clean underwear you have!" Carter said "yay; now I can finally flush it! That's all I wanted to do!" Kyle and I burst out laughing and I said "I wish I had known that in the first place because I wouldn't have bought all that candy!"

All of us went into the living room and Kyle asked "didn't you have some good news to tell me AJ?" I said "oh yeah; I got the part as the lead character for the pilot episode of that Nickelodeon show I auditioned for!" Kyle said "THAT'S GREAT BABE!!! When do you tape the episode?" I said "not until 2013 and if that goes well then Nickelodeon will make a series out of it!"

We were upstairs and I was tucking Carter into bed when he said for the millionth time "I used the potty!!!" I said "I know you did and I'm so proud of you!!! I'll make a deal with you: you keep doing that and I'll do my best at my new job; pinky swear!!! I stuck out my pinky finger and he grabbed onto it with his as he said "I promise!!!"

October 20, 2012,

I asked "will you please tell me why the three of us have been in an RV for three days? Where are we going and why am I not allowed to look out the window?" Kyle said "I told you that I can't tell you because it's a surprise! Hang on; I think we just pulled up in front of where were supposed to be!" I said "thank God!!!" I picked Carter up and walked outside with Kyle in front of me.

I pushed him out of the way and couldn't believe my eyes. There front of me was the house in Gary where my dad spent the beginning years of his life. We walked inside and I asked "how did you manage to pull all this off Kyle?" He said "never mind that!" As we walked around the house, I kept commenting on how small it was. It only took us about 30 minutes before we had seen everything there was to see.

Kyle and I sat on the couch with Carter on my lap. Kyle said "I felt so bad when Frank told you that you couldn't come see the house for yourself that I asked your grandmother for the keys so we could stay the night here and leave in the morning." I said "well; thank you! I love you!" He said "I love you more than you can imagine! I know that being in this house will always be a day you'll look back on. I want you to look back on it for another reason or moment though; other than just seeing the house!"

I looked at him confused and said "what do you mean another moment? What other moment?" Kyle moved Carter off of my lap and stared at me in my eyes. He started his digging around his pocket and pulled out something that I couldn't see because he was hiding it behind his back. He said "I bet you're wondering why I wanted you to leave the room when the psychic was talking to your dad." I said "yeah; that's been bugging me ever since we left her house that day!" He said "well; the real reason I wanted to communicate with the psychic was so I could ask your dad if I could give you this!!!"

He pulled a black case out from behind his back and bent down on one knee. He opened up the case to reveal the perfect diamond ring! He asked "Alanna Michael Jackson, I want to spend the rest of my life with you… Will you marry me?" I sat there in stunned silence for what felt like forever and finally said "YES!!!!!!!!" Kyle slid the ring onto my finger and I kissed his lips. Carter asked "did daddy get you the right ring mommy?" I said "it's perfect; I love it!" Kyle asked "Carter; do you want me to marry mommy and for all of us to be together forever?" Carter shook his head in agreement and I said at the top of my lungs "OH MY GOD; WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!!!!!! Wait; WHAT THE HELL IS MY FAMILY GOING TO SAY ABOUT THIS???"



__________READER OPINIONS______________

how do you think the Jackson family are going to react to the engagement?

what is your favorite part in any chapter so far?