Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer Sayings..
|
babybell posted on Jun 05, 2008 at 11:37PM
JAck Bauer had a street named after him but they changed the name because people kept mysteriously dying as they crossed it: nobody crosses jack bauer.
Some nights Jack Bauer even sleeps with a pillow under his gun. |
Jack Bauer 7 replies
Click here to write a response...
green79: you know chuck norris jokes? well, there is a whole list of the jack bauer versions of this. we're just posting some here.
Find some!
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f**king beef.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
The childrens game Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f**king do it.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f**k have you done with your life?
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
When Jack Bauer pisses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm f**ked".
No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tell the tale
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
If Jesus is scared he prays to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer can find a cure for Aids. Just give him 24 hours.
God built the world within 7 days. Jack Bauer would have managed it in 24 hours.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f**king beef.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
The childrens game Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f**king do it.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f**k have you done with your life?
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
When Jack Bauer pisses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm f**ked".
No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tell the tale
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
If Jesus is scared he prays to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer can find a cure for Aids. Just give him 24 hours.
God built the world within 7 days. Jack Bauer would have managed it in 24 hours.
One more!
Kryptonite is not really from Krypton. It is made from Jack Bauer's crap, that is why it can kill Superman.
Kryptonite is not really from Krypton. It is made from Jack Bauer's crap, that is why it can kill Superman.
Jack Bauer Jokes
FOX TV's "24" super Anti-terrorist Hero, JACK BAUER, is so awesome that:
*Jack Bauer once defeated a brick wall in a game of tennis.
*Because Jack Bauer THINKS, therefore you ARE.
*Jack Bauer can OUT-WIT a bullet.
*Jack Bauer wants to meet Barak Obama just so he can torture him into giving up the "???". Only Jack Bauer gets to interrogate the President. By Presidential Order.
*The election rules were changed that every candidate has to pass a 7 minute interview with Jack Bauer. Now NO ONE is running for President.
*ONLY Jack Bauer is fit to be President. Elections are a waste of money that could better be used to buy bullets for Jack Bauer.
*When Jack Bauer says he plans to "speak with the President of Iran", if YOU'RE the President of Iran, well, your f**ked, Amigo.
*Jack Bauer doesn't need the Israeli military to deal with Iran. The Israeli military needs Jack Bauer.
*Both Iraqi and USA officials agreed that if 101 card-board cut-outs of Jack Bauer holding a side-bag were sent to Iraq then all US forces could leave. Why 101? 100 for Iraq and 1 to put on the border with Iran.
*Jack Bauer shoots first and, well, that's it. Jack shoots first. He hates to ask questions.
*President Jack Bauer doesn't have an Iranian problem. Iran has a Jack Bauer problem.
*If Jack Bauer were President he would never listen to his National Security Advisor. NOBODY advises Jack Bauer.
*If Jack Bauer WANTS your advice, then he will torture you for it.
*There have been NO terror attacks in the USA since Kiefer Sutherland changed his name to Jack Bauer.
*The President of Iran is afraid to have even a TV conference with Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer has methods of interrogation that enable people to remember previous lives.
*Jack Bauer is sorry about your loss but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
*Jack Bauer doesn't get drunk; whiskey gets Bauered.
*President Jack Bauer would solve the financial situation by ordering everyone to make money.
*President Jack Bauer would solve the homeless problem by demanding they get homes.
*President Jack Bauer would solve the drug problem by transforming all illegal drugs into legal medicine.
*President Jack Bauer would solve the crime problem by threatening to shout, “damn it!” - Every time he shouts that God actually damns someone.
*President Jack Bauer would solve the terror problem by, basically, just being himself.
*Jack Bauer's campaign motto is "Violence we can believe in."
*As President Jack Bauer would print 24 zillion $24 bills with his picture on each note. In this way Jack would end inflation. The bills would also say, "In God We Trust! In Jack Bauer God Trusts!"
*Jack Bauer was expelled from Mensa, the largest, oldest, and most famous high-IQ society in the world, for being too smart (the official reason states simply that he was a "wise-guy," and he sent his teacher to the Principal's office). Jack Bauer proved that EVERYTHING (including Mensa) has it's limit. Except Jack Bauer. And if a "limit" does come along then Jack will use unthinkable torture until it gives in. No matter where you "draw the line" it is still behind Jack Bauer.
*When normal people take LSD it alters their perception of reality. What Jack Bauer takes LSD it alters reality.
*The HOLY BAUER is not a book for wimps.
*Terrorists prefer to watch "24" backwards, because it just gets better and better.
*Jack Bauer got a donation from the Moonies. Twice.
*With Jack Bauer back from China if there's a knock on your door you better pray it's only the 7th Day Adventists.
*Terrorists like LSD because it alters their perception of Jack Bauer.
*If Jack Bauer says there's a wrong way to eat a Reeses. There's a fucking wrong way to eat a Reeses, and you better not do it.
*Days are determined by the rising & falling of Jack Bauer.
*Holy Water is composed of H2Bauer.
*Dracula wears garlic because Jack Bauer f**king hates garlic.
*If Jesus Christ were to hit his thumb with a hammer he would yell, "Jack Bauer!"
*If Jack Bauer fails, all else is f**ked.
*In Koran it is strictly forbidden to make a likeness of Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer's cell-phone can launch ICBMs.
*Jack Bauer can fool Tom Lennox.
*When Chloe says "press the off-switch", it's lucky for LA that Jack Bauer can read Russian.
*On "24" what is the firing mechanism of a Russian nuke called? Morris-code.
*All State Insurance doesn't cover in case of natural disasters like earthquakes, volcanos or Jack Bauer.
*Travel to other planets is impossible because there is no Jack Bauer in outer space.
*If Jack Bauer kills someone, the chances of their survival are -0.
*If you want Jack Bauer to stop torturing you then let him see the 'bull-shit' in your eyes.
*Jack Bauer would have accepted Islam if it were not for the religion.
*The only good Jack Bauer is a LIVE Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer used to hire a baby sitter when his parents were home.
*The special 45 clip used by Jack Bauer contains 2000 bullets.
*Jack Bauer can shoot straight-up into the air without even looking.
*If you're a terrorist gone-right, and Jack Bauer gave you his word, your still dead.
*Having Jack Bauer as an enemy doesn't end when it's over.
*When AC/DC sing "She's got the Jack!" you KNOW what their talking about.
*The BIGGEST mistake a bad-guy can make is being born as the father of Jack Bauer.
*The World would be a more dangerous place if Jack Bauer would have stayed in the family business.
*When Jack Bauer was sentenced to three months in the gas chamber he only took one breath-of-air before entering.
*It was Jack Bauer who named ALL-Vietnamese "Charlie." Jack Bauer gets tongue-tied for no-one.
*"Bauer Stick" is like a Punji Stick, but WAY worse.
*The Vietnam War ended on Jack Bauer's 13th birthday.
*Jack Bauer refused a PhD (H.C.) in Criminology because the title "Dr." is for pussies.
*To fire 1000 rounds from a single-action gun Jack Bauer only pulls the trigger once.
*At home Jack Bauer ALWAYS has a 2nd cup of coffee.
*The only Ghost that haunts Jack Bauer is Kiefer Sutherland.
*After Season 6 the name "Physical Education" was changed to "Bauer Hour" in all American schools.
*The "Bauer Glass" measures 24 hours.
*After two years silence in a Chinese prison the first words spoken by Jack Bauer were, "Keep it that way!"
*When Jack Bauer says, "If I wanted you dead I would have already killed you!" ...rejoice. You're still alive for a couple more episodes.
*When Jack Bauer says "We'll do everything we can!" What he really means: "I'll do everything I can!"
*Jack Bauer always says "we" when talking about himself - because of Kiefer Sutherland.
*Nothing motivates Jack Bauer as much as getting killed.
*Jack Bauer was made Secretary of Defense so he would look after himself.
*If you don't know who Jack Bauer is then you're already dead.
*Osama bin Laden has "Bauer-mares" at night.
*If Jack Bauer tells you to f**king "drop it!" You better f**king drop it. Even if you're not holding anything.
*The "24" version of being "caught between a rock and a hard-place" is being ordered by Jack Bauer to "DROP IT!" when you're empty-handed.
*Jack Bauer can pass a square bullet through a round terrorist.
*Shadows jump at Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer can shoot with an empty gun.
*Jack Bauer doesn't need bullets. Bullets need Jack Bauer.
*When John Wayne said, "What the sam-hell you doing up here Lt?" he was talking to Jack Bauer.
*When Col Klutz said, "the horror, the horror!" he was referring to Jack Bauer.
*If Jack Bauer's heart stops, then run like hell.
*One second is the maximum amount for comfort room before Jack Bauer turns off a ticking nuke. More than that is for the faint-hearted.
*Jack Bauer can beat "Charlie" in a surfing contest.
*Jack Bauer once shook hands with Mike Jackson. Hence the condition of Jack's hand.
*Muhammad Ali changed his name back to Cassius Clay after Kiefer Sutherland changed his name to Jack Bauer.
*They will never let Jack Bauer be a judge on American Idol because he'll f**king shoot you in the knee.
*Jack Bauer taught Laird Hamilton how to knee-paddle into waves at Jaws.
*At Jaws, when Jack Bauer rides the jet-ski, he doesn't pull anyone. He rides the f**king wave.
*Jack Bauer can go into a German restaurant in Bavaria and order Sushi. And get it!
*In Ernie's Steak-Pit Jack Bauer can order a Vege-burger.
*When Jack Bauer files taxes he sends a blank form stapled with a picture of him holding a gun.
*In the last "24" hours Jack Bauer killed 93 terrorists and saved the world twice. What the fuck have you done lately?
*Once Jack Bauer was being tortured. He didn't say a single word. But he got the interrogator to spill the whole beans. (This really happened).
*Kim Bauer's daddy can beat up your daddy.
*After Jack Bauer was tortured in a Chinese Prison for two years he is now handcuffed in a drain pipe surrounded by terrorists. Everything is going according to plan.
*Jack Bauer can leave a message BEFORE the beep.
*Only an atomic bomb blast can change Jack Bauer's mind.
*Jack Bauer doesn't need a bullet-proof vest. That's what key witnesses are for.
*You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
*If you run away from Jack Bauer, you're just going to die tired.
*Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer got a donation from the Pope.
*Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to 'talk'.
*When Jack Bauer does push-ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the World down...
*Jack Bauer beat the Mona Lisa in a "staring contest."
*Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris cry.
*Anytime anyone in the World gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
*As a baby Jack Bauer forced his Mum to finish his vegetables.
*Air can only live for 2 minutes without Jack Bauer.
*Jack's iMac is not protected by a Firewall, it's protected by a Bauerwall, which is just a jpeg of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever tried to infect Jack's PC.
*If Jack Bauer tells you to jump, don't ask how high? Ask when can you come down again?
*Jack Bauer can easily beat a Royal Flush.
*Actually, only two Hands can beat a Royal Flush: Jack Bauer's right hand and his left hand.
*It takes you 24 weeks to see what Jack Bauer does in one day.
*If the Titanic would have struck Jack Bauer there would have been NO survivors.
*Once Jack Bauer killed 48 terrorists in 24 hours using only ONE bullet, and without a gun.
*Jack Bauer once forgot his keys so he tortured himself until he gave up the location.
*Jack Bauer has never once been to the toilet, because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
*Ultimately Agent Orange died of exposure to Jack Bauer.
*The ANSWER is Jack Bauer. The question doesn't matter.
*Jack Bauer played Kiefer Sutherland on TV - needless to say Jack is the greatest actor on Earth.
*Jack Bauer can kill two birds with no stone.
*Jack Bauer shot his first girl friend. She was tired of being on the bottom during sex. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
*Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
*Fear is scared of Jack Bauer.
*After you make love to your wife apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
*Once Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car and told him, "Don't get up!" To this day that man hasn't gotten up.
*When Jack Bauer puts money in a parking meter he gets change.
*If you go to hell, it's basically just a room with you and Jack Bauer.
*Aspirin takes Jack Bauer for a headache.
*Oxygen lives off Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
*Jack Bauer can piss in the corner of a round room.
*How many Jack Bauer's does it take to change a light bulb?
*Once Jack Bauer thought he was wrong. But he was mistaken.
*Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
*Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
*When Jack Bauer calls for backup he doesn't need more men, he's telling you to back the f**k up.
*When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.
*The most valuable thing in the world is Jack Bauer's word. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, you can go to the bank and take out a $10.000.000 loan, no questions asked.
*When Jack Bauer was born terrorists began suicide bombing.
*If you are holding a loaded gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to 3 before you shoot, count to 10, that way you get to live an extra 7 seconds.
*Jack Bauer's Tic Tacs don't make noise in his pocket.
*Everytime you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because your masturbated, but because that's how often Jack kills terrorists.
*Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in three moves.
*The only reason you are conscious now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
*It's not considered nerve gas until it gets on the nerves of Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer doesn't use birth control. He simply demands you not get pregnant.
*Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
*Jack Bauer walked into traffic and killed three cars.
*When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
*1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
*Jack Bauer's hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.
*The quickest way to the endangered species list is Jack Bauer.
*Once when Jack Bauer was being questioned in a Court he sentenced the Judge to death.
*Death has a Jack Bauer complex.
*Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
*When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
* If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
*When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, a nuke goes off in Los Angeles.
*Jack Bauer once got stabbed at a shoot-out, and once got shot in a knife fight. He won both times.
*Superman, Batman, and Spiderman all carry Jack Bauer lunch boxes to work.
*On Sunday mornings, Jack Bauer skips Church. God comes to his house instead.
* If Jack Bauer ever thought twice about killing you then you're already dead.
*Scientists can't analyze Jack Bauer's DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
*The Army stopped recruiting when they realized that Jack Bauer was in fact The Army.
*Terrorism was created so Jack Bauer wouldn't kill the Agency.
*In a fight Jack Bauer can defeat even himself.
*(Sung to the tune of Ghost-busters): When there's terrorists around, and they bringin' you down, who you gonna call? Jack Bauer!
*If you're a terrorist God will put the fear-of-Jack-Bauer into you.
*The Wizard of Oz told Jack Bauer EVERYTHING!
*Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
*For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
*Jack Bauer has never caught a cold! How do we know? Colds still exist.
*When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
*Jack Bauer doesn't walk. The earth moves beneath his feet.
*Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
*Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
*Jack Bauer can strangle a terrorist with a cordless phone.
*Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
*When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
*When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
*Two guys walk into a bar ... Jack Bauer will find out why.
*In 2nd grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal's office.
*Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
*Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
*Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.
*If Jack Bauer wants to have a minute alone with you ... well, basically you're f**ked.
*Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
*When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
*The Devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer didn't invent torture, he perfected it.
*Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
*Clark Kent called himself Superman ... Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.
*Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him around.
*Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
*Jack Bauer doesn't read books, he interrogates them until they give the information he wants.
*Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
*Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
*Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. ONCE.
*Dirty Harry once told Jack Bauer to "Make my day!" Seen any new Dirty Harry movies lately?
*Jack Bauer doesn't use a stunt double. Stunt doubles use Jack Bauer.!!
*Once someone told Jack Bauer that "Gullible" was written on the ceiling. And when Jack looked up "Gullible" WAS written on the ceiling!
*If you are ABLE to read this then thank a teacher; if you are FREE to read this then thank a WWII Vet; if you are ALIVE to read this then thank Jack Bauer.
*There is no use in crying over spilled milk. Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh! You are so screwed!!
*Life once took Jack Bauer for granted. Once!
*Jack Bauer is the greatest actor on Earth. Who else can make six 24 hour long movies without losing audience attention even for a second.
*24 doesn't need advertising. Advertising needs 24.
*Superman has ONLY one weakness. That is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer has ONLY one weakness. That is Kiefer Sutherland.
*When the democrats told Jack Bauer they wanted to elect a terrorist for President he was mighty pleased. Jack Bauer loves killing terrorists. The more important the better.
*If Jack Bauer ever told Iran to stop all en-RICH-ment, they would immediately become a poor country.
*If Jack Bauer ever said, "now we're going to have some fun!" - that would scare the hell out of Satan.
*The devil once sold his soul to Jack Bauer. That is why the devil still lives.
*Jack Bauer needs Satan to produce the terrorists he gets to torture and kill.
*Jack Bauer could kill the devil but that would leave Jack unemployed. Jack Bauer just LOVES his fucking job.
*In a normal house there are about 1,248 items which Jack Bauer could use to kill a terrorist - including the house itself.
*Little girl on the milk carton - Jack Bauer knows where you are!
*Jack Bauer is thankful to Allah for providing all the terrorists he gets to kill.
*Jack Bauer says, "If you're talking to al-Qa'ida on the telephone, you have the constitutional right to have your head blown off!"
TOP 29 WAYS TO SURVIVE JACK BAUER
1. Talk. You know you are going to eventually and the sooner you start the more unbroken fingers you will have afterwards. Go ahead and tell him who hired you, where you hid the gas canisters, and that sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are special.
2. Kill yourself. Numerous people have found that carrying a cyanide pill at all times increases your chances of not dying by Jack Bauer.
3. Talk. We can't stress this enough. If you really don't know then make something up. Tell him you are working for Bill Gates or that your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has the access codes.
4. Lie that you date his daughter -- but this only helps in the short run.
5. Claim that you don't speak English. Bauer will have to wait for a translator, giving you precious minutes to take that cyanide pill. Unless it is one of the many languages he speaks, in which case your screwed
6. Talk. Once again, tell him the disarm codes, tell him where the bombs are, who the mole is, who you're working for. Exclaim loudly after telling Bauer anything that there is NO TIME. Bauer will leave immediately, thus allowing you to take that suicide pill.
7. BULL SHIT. When Jack is giving you extreme pain then gaze into his eyes and show him a look of total bull shit. Jack will conclude you don't know and he'll stop torturing you. Then you can take your cyanide pill.
8. Mop. If you are bleeding profusely be sure to mop-up after yourself so Bauer cannot follow your blood trail.
9. Hide. Hiding on a planet other than Earth is a potential way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer.
10. Drop it. Even if you are holding nothing, dropping it is a potential way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer. Specially when ordered by Bauer to do so. In fact, the "24" version of being "caught between a rock and a hard-place" is being ordered by Jack Bauer to "DROP IT!" when you're empty-handed.
11. Wife. Sitting next to your wife and ordering Jack Bauer to shoot you is also a possible way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer (no one orders Bauer what to do).
12. US Presidency. Becoming President of the United States is a good way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer - even if you're guilty-as-sin and he has counted PAST three.
13. Count. If you are holding a gun to the head of Jack Bauer, COUNT to ten in stead of three. That way you get to live an extra 7 seconds. The longer you count the longer you live. But counting to infinity will not make you immortal, because sooner or later Jack is going to grab the gun, stick it up your ass, and fire.
14. Timer. Setting the bomb fuse timer to 100 years in stead of 3 minutes is a great way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer (Jack thinks disarming a bomb before the LAST second is for pussies).
15. Joke. Jack Bauer loves Joe Pesci jokes, so telling him one is a good way to survive (Note: Don't get cute! And don't say, "You're a funny guy!" if Jack laughs, because when Jack laughs then you can take your cyanide pill.
16. Cry. Jack Bauer is a push-over for a pitiful weeping terrorist (Not!) - Then you can take your cyanide pill.
17. Drugs. Offer Jack Bauer a joint. If Jack smokes pot it will immediately be legal Globally. Then you can take your cyanide pill and "everybody must get ssttoooonned."
18. Convert. Converting Jack Bauer to Islam is a good way to survive. In fact, Bauer would accept Islam if it were not for the religion.
19. PASS. This method ONLY works for Kobe Bryant and is a forgone conclusion in the case of Jack Bauer.
20. SILENCE. If you are a box of Tic Tacs in Bauer's pocket then remaining silent is a good way to survive.
21. Tune-out. If you make a point to NOT watch "24" that is a good way to survive Bauer. But who's kidding who? There's no way you're going to miss Jack Bauer because the World depends on him.
22. Clean. Offering to CLEAN Jack's gun for free is a good way to survive (provided you don't get any crazy ideas, or get fucked-up in the script).
23. Agree. If you work in a shoe store and Bauer enters and orders durian-flavored ice-cream, agreeing to his request is a good way to survive.
24. Celibacy. Not fucking Kim Bauer is a possible way to survive.
25. Ignorance. If you do not know who is Jack Bauer then there is no possibility of being killed by him, because you must already be dead.
26. Confuse. Tell Jack Bauer, "If you were going to kill me I'd already be dead!" - is a good way to survive Bauer.
27. Don't Infect. If you are a virus, NOT infecting Jack or his PC, is a potential way to survive Bauer.
28. STAY PUT. If Jack pulls you out of your car and says, "DON'T GET UP!", staying put is a great way to survive Bauer.
29. OBEY. EXAMPLE 1: If you are a doctor performing emergency surgery on the Pope, and Bauer brings in a fucked-up scum bag, points a gun at you, and orders you to stop what you're doing and save the terrorist, you should OBEY. That is not an option. EXAMPLE 2: If you work in Burger King and Bauer points a gun at you and orders a Big Mac, OBEY. EXAMPLE 3: If you work in McDonalds and Bauer comes in AFTER 10:30 am, points a gun at you, and orders breakfast, OBEY. EXAMPLE 4: If you are a Hatha Yoga instructor and Bauer enters, points a gun a you, and orders you to stick your elbow in your ear, OBEY.
courtesy of link
FOX TV's "24" super Anti-terrorist Hero, JACK BAUER, is so awesome that:
*Jack Bauer once defeated a brick wall in a game of tennis.
*Because Jack Bauer THINKS, therefore you ARE.
*Jack Bauer can OUT-WIT a bullet.
*Jack Bauer wants to meet Barak Obama just so he can torture him into giving up the "???". Only Jack Bauer gets to interrogate the President. By Presidential Order.
*The election rules were changed that every candidate has to pass a 7 minute interview with Jack Bauer. Now NO ONE is running for President.
*ONLY Jack Bauer is fit to be President. Elections are a waste of money that could better be used to buy bullets for Jack Bauer.
*When Jack Bauer says he plans to "speak with the President of Iran", if YOU'RE the President of Iran, well, your f**ked, Amigo.
*Jack Bauer doesn't need the Israeli military to deal with Iran. The Israeli military needs Jack Bauer.
*Both Iraqi and USA officials agreed that if 101 card-board cut-outs of Jack Bauer holding a side-bag were sent to Iraq then all US forces could leave. Why 101? 100 for Iraq and 1 to put on the border with Iran.
*Jack Bauer shoots first and, well, that's it. Jack shoots first. He hates to ask questions.
*President Jack Bauer doesn't have an Iranian problem. Iran has a Jack Bauer problem.
*If Jack Bauer were President he would never listen to his National Security Advisor. NOBODY advises Jack Bauer.
*If Jack Bauer WANTS your advice, then he will torture you for it.
*There have been NO terror attacks in the USA since Kiefer Sutherland changed his name to Jack Bauer.
*The President of Iran is afraid to have even a TV conference with Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer has methods of interrogation that enable people to remember previous lives.
*Jack Bauer is sorry about your loss but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
*Jack Bauer doesn't get drunk; whiskey gets Bauered.
*President Jack Bauer would solve the financial situation by ordering everyone to make money.
*President Jack Bauer would solve the homeless problem by demanding they get homes.
*President Jack Bauer would solve the drug problem by transforming all illegal drugs into legal medicine.
*President Jack Bauer would solve the crime problem by threatening to shout, “damn it!” - Every time he shouts that God actually damns someone.
*President Jack Bauer would solve the terror problem by, basically, just being himself.
*Jack Bauer's campaign motto is "Violence we can believe in."
*As President Jack Bauer would print 24 zillion $24 bills with his picture on each note. In this way Jack would end inflation. The bills would also say, "In God We Trust! In Jack Bauer God Trusts!"
*Jack Bauer was expelled from Mensa, the largest, oldest, and most famous high-IQ society in the world, for being too smart (the official reason states simply that he was a "wise-guy," and he sent his teacher to the Principal's office). Jack Bauer proved that EVERYTHING (including Mensa) has it's limit. Except Jack Bauer. And if a "limit" does come along then Jack will use unthinkable torture until it gives in. No matter where you "draw the line" it is still behind Jack Bauer.
*When normal people take LSD it alters their perception of reality. What Jack Bauer takes LSD it alters reality.
*The HOLY BAUER is not a book for wimps.
*Terrorists prefer to watch "24" backwards, because it just gets better and better.
*Jack Bauer got a donation from the Moonies. Twice.
*With Jack Bauer back from China if there's a knock on your door you better pray it's only the 7th Day Adventists.
*Terrorists like LSD because it alters their perception of Jack Bauer.
*If Jack Bauer says there's a wrong way to eat a Reeses. There's a fucking wrong way to eat a Reeses, and you better not do it.
*Days are determined by the rising & falling of Jack Bauer.
*Holy Water is composed of H2Bauer.
*Dracula wears garlic because Jack Bauer f**king hates garlic.
*If Jesus Christ were to hit his thumb with a hammer he would yell, "Jack Bauer!"
*If Jack Bauer fails, all else is f**ked.
*In Koran it is strictly forbidden to make a likeness of Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer's cell-phone can launch ICBMs.
*Jack Bauer can fool Tom Lennox.
*When Chloe says "press the off-switch", it's lucky for LA that Jack Bauer can read Russian.
*On "24" what is the firing mechanism of a Russian nuke called? Morris-code.
*All State Insurance doesn't cover in case of natural disasters like earthquakes, volcanos or Jack Bauer.
*Travel to other planets is impossible because there is no Jack Bauer in outer space.
*If Jack Bauer kills someone, the chances of their survival are -0.
*If you want Jack Bauer to stop torturing you then let him see the 'bull-shit' in your eyes.
*Jack Bauer would have accepted Islam if it were not for the religion.
*The only good Jack Bauer is a LIVE Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer used to hire a baby sitter when his parents were home.
*The special 45 clip used by Jack Bauer contains 2000 bullets.
*Jack Bauer can shoot straight-up into the air without even looking.
*If you're a terrorist gone-right, and Jack Bauer gave you his word, your still dead.
*Having Jack Bauer as an enemy doesn't end when it's over.
*When AC/DC sing "She's got the Jack!" you KNOW what their talking about.
*The BIGGEST mistake a bad-guy can make is being born as the father of Jack Bauer.
*The World would be a more dangerous place if Jack Bauer would have stayed in the family business.
*When Jack Bauer was sentenced to three months in the gas chamber he only took one breath-of-air before entering.
*It was Jack Bauer who named ALL-Vietnamese "Charlie." Jack Bauer gets tongue-tied for no-one.
*"Bauer Stick" is like a Punji Stick, but WAY worse.
*The Vietnam War ended on Jack Bauer's 13th birthday.
*Jack Bauer refused a PhD (H.C.) in Criminology because the title "Dr." is for pussies.
*To fire 1000 rounds from a single-action gun Jack Bauer only pulls the trigger once.
*At home Jack Bauer ALWAYS has a 2nd cup of coffee.
*The only Ghost that haunts Jack Bauer is Kiefer Sutherland.
*After Season 6 the name "Physical Education" was changed to "Bauer Hour" in all American schools.
*The "Bauer Glass" measures 24 hours.
*After two years silence in a Chinese prison the first words spoken by Jack Bauer were, "Keep it that way!"
*When Jack Bauer says, "If I wanted you dead I would have already killed you!" ...rejoice. You're still alive for a couple more episodes.
*When Jack Bauer says "We'll do everything we can!" What he really means: "I'll do everything I can!"
*Jack Bauer always says "we" when talking about himself - because of Kiefer Sutherland.
*Nothing motivates Jack Bauer as much as getting killed.
*Jack Bauer was made Secretary of Defense so he would look after himself.
*If you don't know who Jack Bauer is then you're already dead.
*Osama bin Laden has "Bauer-mares" at night.
*If Jack Bauer tells you to f**king "drop it!" You better f**king drop it. Even if you're not holding anything.
*The "24" version of being "caught between a rock and a hard-place" is being ordered by Jack Bauer to "DROP IT!" when you're empty-handed.
*Jack Bauer can pass a square bullet through a round terrorist.
*Shadows jump at Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer can shoot with an empty gun.
*Jack Bauer doesn't need bullets. Bullets need Jack Bauer.
*When John Wayne said, "What the sam-hell you doing up here Lt?" he was talking to Jack Bauer.
*When Col Klutz said, "the horror, the horror!" he was referring to Jack Bauer.
*If Jack Bauer's heart stops, then run like hell.
*One second is the maximum amount for comfort room before Jack Bauer turns off a ticking nuke. More than that is for the faint-hearted.
*Jack Bauer can beat "Charlie" in a surfing contest.
*Jack Bauer once shook hands with Mike Jackson. Hence the condition of Jack's hand.
*Muhammad Ali changed his name back to Cassius Clay after Kiefer Sutherland changed his name to Jack Bauer.
*They will never let Jack Bauer be a judge on American Idol because he'll f**king shoot you in the knee.
*Jack Bauer taught Laird Hamilton how to knee-paddle into waves at Jaws.
*At Jaws, when Jack Bauer rides the jet-ski, he doesn't pull anyone. He rides the f**king wave.
*Jack Bauer can go into a German restaurant in Bavaria and order Sushi. And get it!
*In Ernie's Steak-Pit Jack Bauer can order a Vege-burger.
*When Jack Bauer files taxes he sends a blank form stapled with a picture of him holding a gun.
*In the last "24" hours Jack Bauer killed 93 terrorists and saved the world twice. What the fuck have you done lately?
*Once Jack Bauer was being tortured. He didn't say a single word. But he got the interrogator to spill the whole beans. (This really happened).
*Kim Bauer's daddy can beat up your daddy.
*After Jack Bauer was tortured in a Chinese Prison for two years he is now handcuffed in a drain pipe surrounded by terrorists. Everything is going according to plan.
*Jack Bauer can leave a message BEFORE the beep.
*Only an atomic bomb blast can change Jack Bauer's mind.
*Jack Bauer doesn't need a bullet-proof vest. That's what key witnesses are for.
*You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
*If you run away from Jack Bauer, you're just going to die tired.
*Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer got a donation from the Pope.
*Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to 'talk'.
*When Jack Bauer does push-ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the World down...
*Jack Bauer beat the Mona Lisa in a "staring contest."
*Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris cry.
*Anytime anyone in the World gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
*As a baby Jack Bauer forced his Mum to finish his vegetables.
*Air can only live for 2 minutes without Jack Bauer.
*Jack's iMac is not protected by a Firewall, it's protected by a Bauerwall, which is just a jpeg of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever tried to infect Jack's PC.
*If Jack Bauer tells you to jump, don't ask how high? Ask when can you come down again?
*Jack Bauer can easily beat a Royal Flush.
*Actually, only two Hands can beat a Royal Flush: Jack Bauer's right hand and his left hand.
*It takes you 24 weeks to see what Jack Bauer does in one day.
*If the Titanic would have struck Jack Bauer there would have been NO survivors.
*Once Jack Bauer killed 48 terrorists in 24 hours using only ONE bullet, and without a gun.
*Jack Bauer once forgot his keys so he tortured himself until he gave up the location.
*Jack Bauer has never once been to the toilet, because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
*Ultimately Agent Orange died of exposure to Jack Bauer.
*The ANSWER is Jack Bauer. The question doesn't matter.
*Jack Bauer played Kiefer Sutherland on TV - needless to say Jack is the greatest actor on Earth.
*Jack Bauer can kill two birds with no stone.
*Jack Bauer shot his first girl friend. She was tired of being on the bottom during sex. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
*Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
*Fear is scared of Jack Bauer.
*After you make love to your wife apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
*Once Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car and told him, "Don't get up!" To this day that man hasn't gotten up.
*When Jack Bauer puts money in a parking meter he gets change.
*If you go to hell, it's basically just a room with you and Jack Bauer.
*Aspirin takes Jack Bauer for a headache.
*Oxygen lives off Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
*Jack Bauer can piss in the corner of a round room.
*How many Jack Bauer's does it take to change a light bulb?
*Once Jack Bauer thought he was wrong. But he was mistaken.
*Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
*Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
*When Jack Bauer calls for backup he doesn't need more men, he's telling you to back the f**k up.
*When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.
*The most valuable thing in the world is Jack Bauer's word. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, you can go to the bank and take out a $10.000.000 loan, no questions asked.
*When Jack Bauer was born terrorists began suicide bombing.
*If you are holding a loaded gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to 3 before you shoot, count to 10, that way you get to live an extra 7 seconds.
*Jack Bauer's Tic Tacs don't make noise in his pocket.
*Everytime you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because your masturbated, but because that's how often Jack kills terrorists.
*Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in three moves.
*The only reason you are conscious now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
*It's not considered nerve gas until it gets on the nerves of Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer doesn't use birth control. He simply demands you not get pregnant.
*Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
*Jack Bauer walked into traffic and killed three cars.
*When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
*1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
*Jack Bauer's hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.
*The quickest way to the endangered species list is Jack Bauer.
*Once when Jack Bauer was being questioned in a Court he sentenced the Judge to death.
*Death has a Jack Bauer complex.
*Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
*When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
* If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
*When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, a nuke goes off in Los Angeles.
*Jack Bauer once got stabbed at a shoot-out, and once got shot in a knife fight. He won both times.
*Superman, Batman, and Spiderman all carry Jack Bauer lunch boxes to work.
*On Sunday mornings, Jack Bauer skips Church. God comes to his house instead.
* If Jack Bauer ever thought twice about killing you then you're already dead.
*Scientists can't analyze Jack Bauer's DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
*The Army stopped recruiting when they realized that Jack Bauer was in fact The Army.
*Terrorism was created so Jack Bauer wouldn't kill the Agency.
*In a fight Jack Bauer can defeat even himself.
*(Sung to the tune of Ghost-busters): When there's terrorists around, and they bringin' you down, who you gonna call? Jack Bauer!
*If you're a terrorist God will put the fear-of-Jack-Bauer into you.
*The Wizard of Oz told Jack Bauer EVERYTHING!
*Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
*For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
*Jack Bauer has never caught a cold! How do we know? Colds still exist.
*When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
*Jack Bauer doesn't walk. The earth moves beneath his feet.
*Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
*Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
*Jack Bauer can strangle a terrorist with a cordless phone.
*Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
*When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
*When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
*Two guys walk into a bar ... Jack Bauer will find out why.
*In 2nd grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal's office.
*Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
*Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
*Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.
*If Jack Bauer wants to have a minute alone with you ... well, basically you're f**ked.
*Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
*When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
*The Devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer didn't invent torture, he perfected it.
*Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
*Clark Kent called himself Superman ... Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.
*Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him around.
*Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
*Jack Bauer doesn't read books, he interrogates them until they give the information he wants.
*Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
*Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
*Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. ONCE.
*Dirty Harry once told Jack Bauer to "Make my day!" Seen any new Dirty Harry movies lately?
*Jack Bauer doesn't use a stunt double. Stunt doubles use Jack Bauer.!!
*Once someone told Jack Bauer that "Gullible" was written on the ceiling. And when Jack looked up "Gullible" WAS written on the ceiling!
*If you are ABLE to read this then thank a teacher; if you are FREE to read this then thank a WWII Vet; if you are ALIVE to read this then thank Jack Bauer.
*There is no use in crying over spilled milk. Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh! You are so screwed!!
*Life once took Jack Bauer for granted. Once!
*Jack Bauer is the greatest actor on Earth. Who else can make six 24 hour long movies without losing audience attention even for a second.
*24 doesn't need advertising. Advertising needs 24.
*Superman has ONLY one weakness. That is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer has ONLY one weakness. That is Kiefer Sutherland.
*When the democrats told Jack Bauer they wanted to elect a terrorist for President he was mighty pleased. Jack Bauer loves killing terrorists. The more important the better.
*If Jack Bauer ever told Iran to stop all en-RICH-ment, they would immediately become a poor country.
*If Jack Bauer ever said, "now we're going to have some fun!" - that would scare the hell out of Satan.
*The devil once sold his soul to Jack Bauer. That is why the devil still lives.
*Jack Bauer needs Satan to produce the terrorists he gets to torture and kill.
*Jack Bauer could kill the devil but that would leave Jack unemployed. Jack Bauer just LOVES his fucking job.
*In a normal house there are about 1,248 items which Jack Bauer could use to kill a terrorist - including the house itself.
*Little girl on the milk carton - Jack Bauer knows where you are!
*Jack Bauer is thankful to Allah for providing all the terrorists he gets to kill.
*Jack Bauer says, "If you're talking to al-Qa'ida on the telephone, you have the constitutional right to have your head blown off!"
TOP 29 WAYS TO SURVIVE JACK BAUER
1. Talk. You know you are going to eventually and the sooner you start the more unbroken fingers you will have afterwards. Go ahead and tell him who hired you, where you hid the gas canisters, and that sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are special.
2. Kill yourself. Numerous people have found that carrying a cyanide pill at all times increases your chances of not dying by Jack Bauer.
3. Talk. We can't stress this enough. If you really don't know then make something up. Tell him you are working for Bill Gates or that your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has the access codes.
4. Lie that you date his daughter -- but this only helps in the short run.
5. Claim that you don't speak English. Bauer will have to wait for a translator, giving you precious minutes to take that cyanide pill. Unless it is one of the many languages he speaks, in which case your screwed
6. Talk. Once again, tell him the disarm codes, tell him where the bombs are, who the mole is, who you're working for. Exclaim loudly after telling Bauer anything that there is NO TIME. Bauer will leave immediately, thus allowing you to take that suicide pill.
7. BULL SHIT. When Jack is giving you extreme pain then gaze into his eyes and show him a look of total bull shit. Jack will conclude you don't know and he'll stop torturing you. Then you can take your cyanide pill.
8. Mop. If you are bleeding profusely be sure to mop-up after yourself so Bauer cannot follow your blood trail.
9. Hide. Hiding on a planet other than Earth is a potential way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer.
10. Drop it. Even if you are holding nothing, dropping it is a potential way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer. Specially when ordered by Bauer to do so. In fact, the "24" version of being "caught between a rock and a hard-place" is being ordered by Jack Bauer to "DROP IT!" when you're empty-handed.
11. Wife. Sitting next to your wife and ordering Jack Bauer to shoot you is also a possible way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer (no one orders Bauer what to do).
12. US Presidency. Becoming President of the United States is a good way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer - even if you're guilty-as-sin and he has counted PAST three.
13. Count. If you are holding a gun to the head of Jack Bauer, COUNT to ten in stead of three. That way you get to live an extra 7 seconds. The longer you count the longer you live. But counting to infinity will not make you immortal, because sooner or later Jack is going to grab the gun, stick it up your ass, and fire.
14. Timer. Setting the bomb fuse timer to 100 years in stead of 3 minutes is a great way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer (Jack thinks disarming a bomb before the LAST second is for pussies).
15. Joke. Jack Bauer loves Joe Pesci jokes, so telling him one is a good way to survive (Note: Don't get cute! And don't say, "You're a funny guy!" if Jack laughs, because when Jack laughs then you can take your cyanide pill.
16. Cry. Jack Bauer is a push-over for a pitiful weeping terrorist (Not!) - Then you can take your cyanide pill.
17. Drugs. Offer Jack Bauer a joint. If Jack smokes pot it will immediately be legal Globally. Then you can take your cyanide pill and "everybody must get ssttoooonned."
18. Convert. Converting Jack Bauer to Islam is a good way to survive. In fact, Bauer would accept Islam if it were not for the religion.
19. PASS. This method ONLY works for Kobe Bryant and is a forgone conclusion in the case of Jack Bauer.
20. SILENCE. If you are a box of Tic Tacs in Bauer's pocket then remaining silent is a good way to survive.
21. Tune-out. If you make a point to NOT watch "24" that is a good way to survive Bauer. But who's kidding who? There's no way you're going to miss Jack Bauer because the World depends on him.
22. Clean. Offering to CLEAN Jack's gun for free is a good way to survive (provided you don't get any crazy ideas, or get fucked-up in the script).
23. Agree. If you work in a shoe store and Bauer enters and orders durian-flavored ice-cream, agreeing to his request is a good way to survive.
24. Celibacy. Not fucking Kim Bauer is a possible way to survive.
25. Ignorance. If you do not know who is Jack Bauer then there is no possibility of being killed by him, because you must already be dead.
26. Confuse. Tell Jack Bauer, "If you were going to kill me I'd already be dead!" - is a good way to survive Bauer.
27. Don't Infect. If you are a virus, NOT infecting Jack or his PC, is a potential way to survive Bauer.
28. STAY PUT. If Jack pulls you out of your car and says, "DON'T GET UP!", staying put is a great way to survive Bauer.
29. OBEY. EXAMPLE 1: If you are a doctor performing emergency surgery on the Pope, and Bauer brings in a fucked-up scum bag, points a gun at you, and orders you to stop what you're doing and save the terrorist, you should OBEY. That is not an option. EXAMPLE 2: If you work in Burger King and Bauer points a gun at you and orders a Big Mac, OBEY. EXAMPLE 3: If you work in McDonalds and Bauer comes in AFTER 10:30 am, points a gun at you, and orders breakfast, OBEY. EXAMPLE 4: If you are a Hatha Yoga instructor and Bauer enters, points a gun a you, and orders you to stick your elbow in your ear, OBEY.
courtesy of link
last edited over a year ago
JUST EPIC!It was so damn funny!And I bet Jack Bauer is fu****ng better than Chuk Norris!Here are some more Jack Bauer jokes:
Jack Bauer never retreats,he just attacks in the opposite direction.
If Jack Bauer was a spartan,the movie would have been called "1"
Jack Bauer doesn't need a clock,because HE decides what time it is
God forgives,Jack Bauer never.
There is no ctrl button on Jack Bauer's PC.Jack Bauer is always in control.
Jack Bauer never retreats,he just attacks in the opposite direction.
If Jack Bauer was a spartan,the movie would have been called "1"
Jack Bauer doesn't need a clock,because HE decides what time it is
God forgives,Jack Bauer never.
There is no ctrl button on Jack Bauer's PC.Jack Bauer is always in control.
