Barney:Wow. Ted, you're gonna have to find a new gender for yourself, because I'm revoking your dude membership.

i quote that a lot..like when this guy the other night went on about songs from "the bodyguard"

I loved this one:
Barney: Ted's with Victoria and can't drink. ...Because he's pregnant. ...Because he's the girl.
Robin: Come on, Ted can't be pregnant. You need to have sex to get pregnant.

Loved those quotes! Hmm I also love this quote

Barney: Relapse-Five! That's when we high-five, then it's awkward for a little bit, and then we high-five again!

haha, I loved that pregnant one.

Barney: legen- wait for it, and you better not be lactose intolerant cause the second half of that word is DARY.

dont really remember this one but it was one of my favorite lines.
Barney: changing lanes, honking, driving...love it
Ted: which peddle is the brake?
Barney: middle, left, right

Barney in the finale when he thinks Robin is having Ted's baby and he sayd
"This is the 12th most worried I've ever been that someone's pregnant."
Loved that! Also I loved the one in Marshall's Bachelor Party where they are talking about the last stripper and Barney says:
Barney: Alright, fine, the stripper at Stewart’s Bachelor Party was a 15.
Ted: She was 15?!?!
Barney: A 15...like in blackjack.
Ted: As in, not sure whether you’d hit it?
Barney: Exactly!
I use that all the time =D

and you talk in rhyme all the time :)

There are so many but one is just sticking to my mind right now.

It's from "Life Among the Gorillas" when Lily and Marshall talk about Barney's colleagues at the office.
Lily: So if those guys pressure you to smoke, what do you say?
Marshall: Only when I’m drunk.
Lily: Good boy.

i watched single stamina again..and realised that i made a mistake on my pick.
Im a bad bad fan *slaps bum* ouch!

i love how barney gets all excited after james says "gimme five"
" guuuuys gimme five is back!"
classic NPH greatness

Marshall: do you know why i hated "jerry macguire" so much?
Ted:because youre dead inside?

it was after on of the slaps
Barney:God your hand is monstrous
Marshall:What would you expect you've seen my penis

"Don't be a hero Sherbatsky."

This quote serves me well in many real-life situations on a daily basis :)

Ted: I'm gonna do what that guy couldn't, I'm gonna take the plunge... Well, I guess that's not a perfect metaphor since... for me it's falling in love and for him it's... death.
Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.
Heeheehee!

at the wedding:
Marshall:
HAT. We thought of authentic Native American head dress, before HAT

The Wedding... Great ep with great lines. I got one from that too.

Barney talks to the bartender at the reception: You're allowed to accept criticism? You Sir, are an ass... buddy

It doesn't seem too funny as you read the line but how NPH says it, it's just hilarious : D

barney and ted are after the same girl to see whos got more game (s3 epi 4)
and barney goes on aboot how hes alread been with her and ted would find that gross. he challenges ted to drink oot of his glass and when ted cant
barney says: and ive only stirred that with my pinkie!

Ted & Barney's breakup was terrible but Ted's line was hilarious.
By the way, my mother is coming to visit next week. Maybe you would like to nail her too!?!?!

Lily: Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll hunt you forever.
Ted: But if I murder you and bury somewhere else?
Lily: Hey, I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons

Also:

Lily: What did they make you call Tropical Storm Hector when they said it was raining "cats and dogs?"
Robin: A furricane.

Both from I heart NJ, which is ironic because it was kind of a lame episode =D

Lol. I use a lot of those lines on my friends. One of my friend's always says 'It's on like Donkey Kong'. So I simply reply 'Oh yeah? It's on like the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan'. I'm not sure what episode it's from, but Marshall said it. e e;

'I'm Namaste here any longer than I have to."
Ted: This is an intervention.
Barney: What's that sonny?
Ted: We're getting tired of this old man bit.
Barney: What about the old sand pit?
Lily: Let it go..
Barney: Let It Snow? I love that old diddy..
"Your cops are called Mountees."
"The only people who haven't seen Star Wars are the people who were in Star Wars. THEY LIVED THE STAR WARS!"
"You're allowed to slap my face sir, but you are not allowed to slap my mind!"
"Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation. -Eye Brow Raise.-"

I'll think of more later, probably. >_>;

the convo which i cant all write down now they have when gael (so its girl??) is there and they go "use big words"

and more recently robins totally lame joke aboot "clearing the air" in "happily ever after"- and she goes "y'all are welcome"
classic lame robin joke!!

Barney:Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour, and conclude your association.
Robin: My journey was transformative, and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.
Gael:What are we talking of? Baseball?
Barney: This is all gonna return to masticate you in the gluteals. Support my hypothesis, Ted!
Ted:I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

Yeah, ok. I just googled that =D The only part I could rememebr was "I'm just happy my former paramour is jubilant!

From the episode where they are looking for the perfect burger and Barney says that the burger is so good, "that I want to sew my asshole shut."

oooh cheers sualey *mwa*

ahhha i like that one from the perfecct burger as well

"Story of my life: my cuteness interferes with people hearing my message."--Lily

my absolute fave lily line now!!

i love all of the above lines and many more, but one of the sweetest moments of how i met your mother was when...

barney: you don't have to do this, bro!
james: yes, i do.
barney: why?
james: because tom and i are gonna have a baby.
barney: what? there's gonna be a baby?

i just think this was such a cute moment for barney - we see barney, who tries so hard to be detached, melt for a moment at the thought of being an uncle. it was probably my all-time favorite episode.

another favorite line... "hey robin, did you know that i am vomit-free since ninety-three?" not as sweet, though haha.

"Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live" and the whole conversation that follows. Also "Watch your step when you get up kids because I am about to drop some knowledge!" oh barney

I love this quote -

Barney: Relapse-Five! That's when we high-five, then it's awkward for a little bit, and then we high-five again!

God i love the first episode, when lily nd marshall are in the taxi
Taxi driver: Woah woah woah. Did you hit her?
Lily: [laughs] Hit me? Please! This guy can barely spank me in bed for fun. He's all like "Oh, honey, did that hurt?" and I'm all like, "C'mon, let me have it, ya pansy!" [aside, softer] Wow. Complete Stranger.

and so many barney ones, i cant write em all down :P heres a few though :

- Barney: You dumped a porn star? Friendship over.
Ted: Barney...
Barney: FRIENDSHIP OVER!
- Barney: (Entering the door) " And his hair was perfect"
- Barney: I should feel tremors of psychitude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon
- Barney: When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story.
- Barney: You spooned me against my will.
- Barney: In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.
- Barney: Think of me like Yoda but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro - I'm Broda!
- Barney: That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.
- Barney: A hug is just like a public dry hump.

:D

this one is not a main character's line, but its good.

just do me a favor if you ever do meet someone special, don't runaway from it, don't be me. just take a shot at it will you?
-Barney Stinson's Mom

What up?!

Lily: "Maybe you're not as good of a liar as you think you are."
Barney: "Oh really? Then why am I not in prison for perjury? But I don't want to talk about work.."

Ted: "Chinese?"
Barney: "I don't like Chinese."
Ted: "Indian?"
Barney: "I just said I don't like Chinese!!"
Ted: "But Indian's not Chinese."
Barney: "Weird meats, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?"
Ted: "Mexican?"
Barney: "I just said I don't like Chinese!!!"

Marshall: "Aww. Look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes, think you can play with the big boys. Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your Mama's Casio... I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub in one hand and brew a kickass pot of chamomile in the other that would make you weep. Hell. I've forgotten more about microwaving fat free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know but... thanks for your concern, rook."

"That's why when it's my time to RIP, I"m going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED! Yeah! It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys... Open casket for the ladies. What up!"

Lily: "Where are you going?"
Barney: "No where. The beach. It's winter. Lazer tag. Home. Shut up! You're going somewhere!"

Lily: "How can you be in love with Robin and still sleep with anything that moves!?"
Barney: "I don't follow you. That's like saying, 'How can an ant carry 20 times its body weight but root beer floats are still delicious?'. Are the two even related?"

Lily: "Ask her something!"
Barney: "How are you feeling today?"
Robin: "Fine."
Lily: "No! Something personal!"
Barney: "At what age did you first get your period?"
Robin: "Did you just ask me about my period?"
Barney: "No I did not."

"Maybe I don't want to be saved the trouble. Maybe I want the trouble. I haven't wanted the trouble in a long time, but with you the trouble doesn't seen so... troubling." (<------- SOOO CUUUUTE!)

"Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story."

i have two favourites

the first one is sort of long

ted:you slept with robin
limo window rolls down
ranjit:YOU SLEPT WITH ROBIN?! BARNEY THAT IS TEDS EX GIRLFRIEND
barney rolls up window
ill skip a bit now
barney:you can hit me, anywhere except the face
ted punches him in the groin
barney on the verge of sobbing:who punches someone in the groin?

my all time favourite one though is season 6 episode 9 "glitter"

they put on robin sparkles 3
barney:SPACE TEENS!?!?!?!? IS THIS A PORNO!?
he's about to slap marshall when robin says
robin:NO DUDE its a kids show

"DAMN TRUDY! WHAT ABOUT THE PINEAPPLE!??"

This is in the episode Three Days Rule, and when Ted knows that Marshall and Barney are texting him, not Holli, and he says he had a gay dream about his best friend, and Marshall says, "I'm cuddly, bitch!"
:D This always makes me laugh, and the one where Barney tells about the history of where the three days rule came from, but it's already written up there.

Marshall: I really, really, love you guys. Now I'm gonna go drop a deuce.

Barney: "(has a cold, blows nose) My nose is just overflowing with awesome, and I had to get some of it out."

Barney, describing his brother: “He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!”
Lily: “He's exactly like Barney.”
Barney: “That's what I just said.”

OMG I love the three days rule! When Barney and Marshall said "Why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted?" LOL

I know! It's one of my favorite episodes:D

damn baby be cool-lilly

well i watched season 5 commontery for the episode Duel Citizenship and cobie said they cut out a line when barney turned her american "Damm straight! I dump red white and blue bitch!" lol

also "major pain" lol robin and ted

Doctor- are you the guy that tried to make it with a goat?
Ted- if anything that goat tried to make it with me!

i love all the swarley jokes! and when ted dyes his hair blonde and marshall's all "aaahh why is ellen degenerous in our bedroom?!"

pinneapple inccident when ted calls robin
ted:robin your great, you should be on 60 minutes. You should be one of the minutes.

this isn't my favorite but it came to mind.

I have a lot of favorites but a few of them are;

Ted: I can't believe u threw up in ur storm trooper helmet
Barney: I've done worst in it.

My all-time favorite is when Barney a robin break up the first time

Robin: I think it's going to take him a long time to recover
(Barney walks in normal again fixing his suit)
Barney:Daddy's home.

Oh and another is when robin and marshal are at the the minosota bar
Marshal: The day the Vikings missed that field goal, Damn my father wo I had never seen cry before shed a tear and sai I just died a little inside son.
Later on robin tells that story to the bar people when marshal leaves for a minute
The bar people: Wait did u say son
Robin: Umm that's hoe I imagine I'm going to tell my son some day.

Another good one is when Lillys dad comes and Marshall makes hi sit out side he plays his board game deaseases Marshall comes back out.

Marshall: just a few more minute
Lilies dad: u better hurry I battling a bad case of hemoroids
Marshall: is that on of the deaseases
Lilies dad: no

Here's some of my favorites XD

Robin: He's even getting me into the VIP room.
Barney: He just wants to show you his own VIP, if you know what I mean.
Robin: All right, what does VIP stand for in your little universe?
Barney: Well, I know that the 'P' is penis.

Barney: Wow, who knew being in a committed heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay?

Ted: I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin is still pissed at me after, you know.
Barney: You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were, so you could try and nail Robin and you end up loosing both girls in one night?
Ted: Yes, that's what I meant by "you know".

Penelope: Why the hell should I help you?
Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship.
Penelope: [thinks] We had sex twice in your car and then you dumped me. H-How is that a relationship?
Barney: [thinks] Twice.

Robin: This can't happen, you guys have to help me talk her out of it!
Marshall: A speech to talk a girl out of having sex..
Ted: Yea, I don't have any of those.
Barney: Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.

Lily: We'll all have a wedding dress campout, it'll be fun!
Barney: I can't go, I've got this thing.
Lily: What thing?
Barney: A penis.

Barney: Question one: Ted, do you want to move in with Robin?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Wrong! The correct answer is: No, I want to stay single and have fun with my awesome friend Barney. Question two: Robin, do you think you can find someone who's hotter than Ted?
[pause]
Barney: Correct! The correct answer is awkward silence.

Barney: Dude, I can't believe you cried in front of your boss.
Marshall: I don't know what happened. There is just something about been yelled like that, like I was being spurred by my dad, suddenly...suddenly I was a little boy.
Robin: Is boy the right word?

Ted: The lamb here is supposed to be great.
Nora: I am a vegan. I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me that says eating animals is murder. But, I guess I'm just not as strong as you are.
Ted: That's 'cause you need protein.

Marshall: Look, it's been a while since Ted really liked someone he's clearly got a lot of crazy stored up, we just, we thought we'd get him to say "I love you" before he even makes contact with this girl.
Barney: And you can tell it's on the way he's exhibiting all the telltale signs.
Marshall: One, he joked about getting married.
[Barney reads cellphone]
Barney: You like architecture? We should get married! ha ha, lol, just kidding, question mark?
Marshall: Two, he made a crazy way too soon trip suggestion.
Barney: I like beer too. We should totally go to Germany together! lol, jk, lol.
Marshall: And three, he got way too personal way too soon.
Barney: Yeah, my parents got divorced a couple years back, it was really tough... lol...
Robin: And he clearly doesn't know what lol means.

Jenkins: I'm so sorry I kissed you yesterday.
Marshall: That's okay.
Jenkins: And I'm sorry I had sex with you in the mail room.
Marshall: That wasn't me.
Jenkins: Oh, good grief, that's two awkward conversations I have to have today.

Lily: Marshall, woah! Wait. A big package just arrived.
Marshall: Yeah, it did.
Lily: No no, it's a real package from your dad.
Marshall: Okay, that's a little weird, but yeah, it is.

Lily: Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed. Rule number one...
Barney: Don't use the husband's condoms. That's just rude.

Barney : Let's see, what club should we hit first ? There's club “Was”, there's “Wrong”...
Marshall : Those places shut down a long time ago.
Barney : Oh no !
Marshall : Yeah “Oh No” shut down too !
Ted : There's “Where”.
Jerry : Where's “Where” ?
Lily : “Where”'s where “Was” was isn't it ?
Barney : No “Was” wasn't where “Where” was, “Was” was where “Wrong” was right ?
Jerry : Okay...
Ted : No “Okay” that place is lame.
Robin : “Okay” is lame ? I thought “Lame” was a gay bar... Or is that “Wrong” ?
Marshall : That's wrong, that's not “Wrong”.
Barney : Guys, focus !
Robin : Oh I like “Focus” let's go there !
Ted : Where ?
Robin : Not “Where”, “Focus” !
Lily : I thought “Focus” was closed ?
Barney : No, “Was” was closed, once “Was” shut down it reopened “Is Closed”
Marshall : “Closed” is opened !
Robin : No, “Closed” is closed.

Ted: who gets arrested for public urination?

Marshall: hey random question, why did you drive 3 miles down the road and take a pee behind a conveince store?

Barney: I slept with robin

Barney: hey robin, guess who nailed the chick from metro news one last night?

Robin: I guess my head was saying nip it in the bud because my heart was saying someone else

Marshall: there is something you could do, it's high risk but also high reward. For lack of a better name for it, I'm going to call it the mosby

Barney: I think I'm in love with robin.

Barney: it's like a disease, I slept with robin one time and I caught feelings, I caught feelings bad. I used protection and everything

Marshall: if I can score five numbers before you then we have sex in the bathroom

I have a favorite line from each character.

(When explaining to Lily how the later it gets, the fewer words you need to get laid: 4.01)
NINE PM
Barney: Hey babe, it's Barney. Are you busy tonight? Sweet. See you in half an hour, can't wait.
LATER
Barney: Barney. Busy? Sweet.
THREE AM
Barney: [text] ?
Girl: [text] !
Barney: Sweet.

(When describing the deliciousness of the 'best burger in New York:' 4.02)
Marshall: Robin, it's so much more than just a burger. I mean, that first bite, oh, what heaven that first bite is. The bun, sesame-freckled breast of an angel resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below. Flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then, a pickle! The most playful little pickle. Then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce, and a patty of ground beef so exquisite. Swirling in your mouth breaking apart and combining again in a fugue of sweet and savory so delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is god, speaking to us through food.

(When describing Mitch the Naked Man: 4.09)
Ted: He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed, the hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. He is... the Naked Man.

(When breaking up a fight between two kindergarten kids)
Lily: Okay, okay, okay, stop fighting!
Kid 1: Why?
Lily: Because it's stupid, and juvenile.
Kid 2: We're six; we are stupid and juvenile!

(When discussing whether to stay friends or start a relationship: 4.24)
Barney: Why are you so afraid of giving us a chance?
Robin: I'm scared of how much I like you.
Barney: Wow, this is a bad idea.
Robin: You're right, this is a mistake.
Barney: Yes. No.
Robin: I love you.
Barney: Let's be friends.
Robin: Okay. Let's be friends then.
Barney: I love you.
Robin: Let's get married.
Barney: No, you're smothering me.
Robin: Okay, forget it.

Yes, I know. I'm very obsessed with Season 4.