Dr. Gregory House: I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see, visions this patient saw, they're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down
Dr. Eric Foreman: You choose to believe that?
Dr. Gregory House: There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting
Dr. Cameron: You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?
Dr. Gregory House: I find it more comforting to believe that all this isn't simply a test.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [talking about the Volleyball Player] I went back three generations: no history of cancer, Parkinson's, or any other degenerative condition. But there's this boy at school, and he's on the boys' volleyball team, and they made out at a party, and now he won't call her back, and this friend of hers at school said this boy didn't like her and never did.
Dr. Gregory House: You got all this from an examination of the knee?
Dr. Gregory House: You know what's worse than useless? Useless and oblivious.
[to the Keen Student]
Dr. Gregory House: What are they missing?
Keen Student: You know, it's kind of hard to think when you're in our face like this...
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah? You think it's going to be easier when you've got a real patient really dying?
[to the whole class]
Dr. Gregory House: What are you missing?
[Cameron, watching from the doorway, has realized House is talking about himself]
Dr. Allison Cameron: Muscle death.
Dr. Gregory House: Not your case.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Nothing wrong with a consult.
"House M.D.: Lines in the Sand (#3.4)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Do a stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection, and ANA for lupus.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Because he screamed?
Dr. Robert Chase: It could also be an environmental reaction... an allergy, dust, weed, pollen, something he ate...
Dr. Gregory House: Check the house and run a lung ventilation scan... the lungs are in the chest too, right?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I had a date last night, she screamed! Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
Dr. Gregory House: Course not... this isn't a veterinary hospital. ZING!
Dr. Allison Cameron: Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It's normal to want to be normal.
Dr. Gregory House: Spoken like a true circle queen.
Dr. Allison Cameron: All change is bad? It's not true, you know.
"House M.D.: Que Será Será (#3.6)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Why'd you do it? Help the guy.
Dr. Cameron: I like damaged people... remember?
Dr. Cameron: What'd your lawyer say?
[House stares in surprise]
Dr. Cameron: I looked up "buttplug" in a legal dictionary.
"House M.D.: Safe (#2.16)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis, and I don't buy that it's unrelated.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He loves her! He did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.
Dr. Gregory House: [looks puzzled] What does that mean?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness...
[smiles]
Dr. Allison Cameron: You know, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, snap!
Dr. Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness.
[pause]
Dr. Cameron: No, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, Snap.
"House M.D.: The Honeymoon (#1.22)" (2005)
Dr. Allison Cameron: What happened to "everybody lies"?
Dr. Gregory House: I was lying.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to House] I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone... I was wrong. You just couldn't love me. That's good. I'm happy for you.
"House M.D.: Spin (#2.6)" (2005)
Dr. Robert Chase: We take drugs to help us fall asleep, to stay awake...
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah but we don't make careers out of who can stay awake the longest.
Dr. Robert Chase: Really? Ever been to uh, I dunno... Med School?
Dr. James Wilson: [Cameron reveals she was in love with her husband’s best friend] You can't control your emotions.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No... just your actions.
Dr. James Wilson: You didn't sleep with him?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.
Dr. James Wilson: You'd be surprised what you can live with.
"House M.D.: Heavy (#1.16)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: Who would you fire?
Dr. Allison Cameron: No one.
Dr. Gregory House: Not an option.
Dr. Allison Cameron: If everyone took a paycut and put in a few more hours, we could all stay for the same amount of money.
Dr. Gregory House: Figures you'd try to come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The problem is the world doesn't work that way just 'cause you want it to.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Figures you'd stall and refuse to deal with the issue. Problem is, the world doesn't go away just because you want it to.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I apologize if it looked like we weren't devoting our full attention to your daughter, but I assure you that we...
Mrs. Simms: Oh, please. Save your pathetic insincerity for your boyfriend.
Dr. Gregory House: You're wrong. She is in fact pathetically sincere.
"House M.D.: Forever (#2.22)" (2006)
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm not touched.
Dr. Gregory House: Then you're guilt ridden.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm not guilt ridden.
Dr. Gregory House: Then you're pathetic.
Dr. Allison Cameron: What can I say, I'm a bitch.
"House M.D.: Sex Kills (#2.14)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: We're going to cure her.
Dr. Allison Cameron: We're going to cure death?
Dr. Gregory House: [voice like a mad scientist] Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[normal voice]
Dr. Gregory House: Doubt it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer.
Dr. Gregory House: We're wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer. They're perfect for lymphoma, expect Chase's-they're just goofy.
"House M.D.: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Dr. Gregory House: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?
Dr. Allison Cameron: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors, treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You can't diagnose that without a biopsy.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes we can. We treat it, if she gets better we know we're right.
Dr. Allison Cameron: And if we're wrong?
Dr. Gregory House: We learn something else.
"House M.D.: Meaning (#3.1)" (2006)
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're lucky he didn't die
Dr. Gregory House: I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die.
Dr. Cameron: Well I could but I have so many things planned and I...
[House is chuckling]
Dr. Cameron: What?
Dr. Gregory House: You've proven my little thoery I had .
Dr. Cameron: Oh? And what's that?
Dr. Gregory House: That you want to fix people. That you think it's your duty to fix damaged people. And now that I'm healthy, you don't want to go out with me any more.
Dr. Cameron: [she chuckles slightly, in disbelief] You... House... are NOT healthy.
Dr. Gregory House: [He watches her walk down the hallway, he's still smirking] Uh huh.
"House M.D.: Distractions (#2.12)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Why is it so dark in here? It's a beautiful day. Open the shades, let the sunshine in.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It's night time.
Dr. Gregory House: It's still Tuesday, right?
Dr. Allison Cameron: What are you looking for?
Dr. Gregory House: Same as you: love, acceptance, solid return on investment.
"House M.D.: Occam's Razor (#1.3)" (2004)
Dr. Allison Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.
Dr. Cameron: Sex *could* kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions seep out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it *unbelievably* fun, the human race would have died out eons ago.
"House M.D.: Sports Medicine (#1.12)" (2005)
Dr. Allison Cameron: [about a baseball player House is treating] You want it to be his kidneys, because if it's his kidneys, then maybe we can treat it, maybe we can fix it. And if it's cancer, then he'll never pitch again. If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would've packed him up and sent him home!
"House M.D.: Cursed (#1.13)" (2005)
Dr. Cameron: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Their mistake.
"House M.D.: Failure to Communicate (#2.10)" (2006)
Dr. Robert Chase: [to Foreman] The only thing you've been asked to do is supervise House in case he does something insane.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Which might, you know, save a life.
"House M.D.: House's Head (#4.15)" (2008)
Dr. Allison Cameron: Your staying the night. We'll monitor your brain for swelling.
Dr. Gregory House: How much bigger could it get?
"House M.D.: Who's Your Daddy? (#2.23)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: She's a minor, she's gonna need consent.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'll go talk to him.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, that's an excellent plan! You'll give him the form and tell him it's wrong and dangerous.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I can handle a simple consent form.
Dr. Gregory House: Ok. I'll be Crandall.
Dr. Gregory House: [pretending to be Crandall] Dr. Cameron.
Dr. Eric Foreman: House, from what you say this guy will trust...
Dr. Gregory House: Are you in this scene?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron] Go.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I need to talk to you about a procedure we'd like to do on Leona.
Dr. Gregory House: [imitating] Like to do? Is this fun for you?
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's not you! He's not gonna mock me!
Dr. Gregory House: Stay in character!
Dr. Gregory House: [again imitating] I'm so scared. Hold me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: In order to figure out which circuit is miss-firing we need to map all of the electrical activity in her heart.
Dr. Gregory House: Swear to me on the Bible you'd do this if it were your kid.
Dr. Gregory House: [Cameron is silent] Goodbye.
"House M.D.: Dying Changes Everything (#5.1)" (2008)
Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Wilson] You want me to sleep with him to get him to stay?
Dr. Gregory House: I put the bisexual chick on that. If you'd like to sit in, so to speak...
"House M.D.: Paternity (#1.2)" (2004)
Dr. Gregory House: When did my signature get so girly?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I can explain.
"House M.D.: Top Secret (#3.16)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Where were you two when the guy woke up?
Dr. Robert Chase: Ahm... we just... stepped out for a second.
Dr. Eric Foreman: To do what?
Dr. Robert Chase: To get a coffee, we've been up most of the night.
Dr. Cameron: He's just pushing to make sure we get the complete history. Obviously, we're missing something or we'd have the answer.
[Foreman looks suspiciously at Cameron]
Dr. Eric Foreman: You didn't have any coffee when you came back.
Dr. Cameron: All right already, we confess. You caught us, we snuck into one of the sleep lab rooms to have sex, we shouldn't have done it while we were supposed to be working and we're sorry, now can me move on?
[Chase looks shocked, Foreman starts laughing]
Dr. Eric Foreman: House would do Wilson before you'd do Chase.
Dr. Cameron: No you would do House AND Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
Dr. Robert Chase: [defensive] She did me once!
Dr. Eric Foreman: She was stoned!
[continues laughing]
"House M.D.: All In (#2.17)" (2006)
[House is trying to diagnose a disease that killed one of his patients 12 years ago and is about to kill a second. House has ordered his team to test for something they already ruled out]
Dr. Allison Cameron: These cells looks like macrophages.
Dr. Gregory House: That's a good start.
[as Cameron adds a dye to the sample]
Dr. Gregory House: Take your time and say it loud.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [as the sample turns red] CD 68 positive.
Dr. Gregory House: [Bangs his fist on a counter and smiles] Start the treatment.
"House M.D.: Fetal Position (#3.17)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: This is definitely different.
Dr. Robert Chase: [looking at a photograph of House] It looks almost like...
Dr. Cameron: ...He's caring.
"House M.D.: Guardian Angels (#4.4)" (2007)
Dr. Allison Cameron: [House is about to pay a $100 bet to Cameron] Cash will be fine.
Dr. Gregory House: I bet you say that to all the guys.
"House M.D.: Skin Deep (#2.13)" (2006)
Dr. Allison Cameron: So we're just gonna leave a child molester in the same room as his victim?
Dr. Gregory House: It's got windows!
"House M.D.: Control (#1.14)" (2005)
Dr. Allison Cameron: That's House. He knows things.
"House M.D.: Role Model (#1.17)" (2005)
Dr. Allison Cameron: [giving differential diagnosis] Idiopathic T-cell deficiency?
Dr. Gregory House: "Idiopathic", from the Latin meaning we're idiots 'cause we can't figure out what's causing it.
"House M.D.: No Reason (#2.24)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Infections don't make your eyes pop out.
Dr. Robert Chase: We should get back. You're supposed to be chained to your bed.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not done ating. It's gotta be some kind of bleeding disorder.
Dr. Cameron: This is really stupid.
Dr. Gregory House: If my stitches pop out again, I got three doctors who can save me. Could be some kind of weakness in the lining of the occular veins.
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, I'll be you guys.
[imitating Chase]
Dr. Gregory House: No way mate! Too much blood to just be a vein.
[imitating Foreman]
Dr. Gregory House: No way hizzy! It was not or he'd still be bleeding.
[imitating Cameron]
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, he'd be dead.
"House M.D.: Fidelity (#1.7)" (2004)
Dr. Cameron: [to House, after reading Cameron's medical history on the sly] You were curious - like an eight-year-old boy with a puzzle that's just a little too grown up for him to figure out.
"House M.D.: DNR (#1.9)" (2005)
Dr. Robert Chase: But if we stop everything, he'll get worse.
Dr. Gregory House: True. Then we'll add our medications back one at a time. If he gets better then we'll have our answer.
Dr. Allison Cameron: And if he doesn't get better?
Dr. Gregory House: Then we're in trouble. Not as much as he is. I suppose that's your point.
"House M.D.: Acceptance (#2.1)" (2005)
[to House]
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm over you. I've jumped on the bandwagon. I hate you, okay?
