Dr. Lisa Cuddy was not the kind of person who committed her sorrow and cares to others.
She was used to keeping things to herself and taking it, and even if it hadn't been this way, she wouldn't have had anybody to talk to anyway.
Once she had tried it, on a day when House had been in a worse mood than usual, as improbable as it might sound and went to the showers to hurt her like he had never done before.
It had probably been accidental, but she was not sure. House had never brought up this incident again, like many other things.
Back then she had spoken with Wilson, but only because he had entered her office just at the very moment she had been sitting on her sofa crying her eyes out. From that day on the dean checked if her office was really locked when she wanted to vent her emotions.
After she had suffered from a little mental breakdown, something which she was, even now, a few months later, still mad at, the conversation with Wilson had come to the end and he left her in her office.
The oncologist hadn't even been able to give her any advice, the conversation had not comforted her, and in fact she was rather ashamed.
That had confirmed, for her, that it was better to keep things to oneself and not to talk with anybody about them.
Cuddy sighed softly and let her eyes wander over the streets of Princeton. From the hospital’s roof she had a good view of the town. She loved sitting here on the roof when she had free time and would spend a lot of time there when the weather was nice. Why should she go home anyway?
There were only a bunch of dark rooms and a cold bed waiting for her.
Today had been especially exhausting. Cuddy had to organize a charity ball, a lot of papers and files on her desk and would have an encounter with potential donors tomorrow and then last, but not least, there was House who was working on a new case.
House, who of course, had to visit her every hour in her office to get permission for an extremely dangerous, extremely expensive but natural extremely necessary therapy. Sometimes she wished her life had proceeded differently, but she knew that it was it. It didn't make sense to imagine how things could have turned out since they wouldn't come true. Nevertheless she caught herself thinking about having a family and not be lonely.
In very dark moments she had even persuaded herself that it would be better if she wasn't there anymore. And when she looked around here on top of the hospital, it happened frequently that she imagined standing on the edge of the roof and just letting herself fall down.
However she knew that this was not a solution....this and the fact that she knew exactly what would happen to her body crashing into the ground.
Unavoidably her thoughts curved back to House, which happened often, so often that she was worried about it. She knew precisely what it meant and this scared her. She often dreamed of him and sometimes it were dreams she wouldn't tell anybody, not even under torture.
With great might and plenty of self-control she tried to repress her feelings but she was not successful. Every time she saw him her heart went faster, it became difficult to breath, and she had to force herself to look him in the eyes. No matter how hard she tried to deny it, Cuddy was in love with House, and suffered awfully from it. She suffered because she knew it would come to a miserable end, no matter what she did. To bottle up the grief and desire wouldn't work permanently.
Telling him was also impossible, because he would just laugh at her, would call her crazy or he would not believe it or dismiss it as bullshit. No matter how she looked at it, the result was always the same: There was no future for them, at least no shared one. It was likely that he wasn't even interested in her.
He liked to make comments about her breasts and her bottom, but House was House and he had flirted with a banana if she would have had breasts and a bottom.
Cuddy sighed again; apart from this he had no a single reason to love her, it was her fault that he had become a cripple. Although she knew that she was overreacting and that her guilty conscience was abnormally big, she couldn't get over it. A small voice inside her head didn't get weary of reminding her.
Perhaps House would affirm that it wasn't love she was feeling, but that she was confusing love with compassion. But Cuddy knew it was not compassion, but love, even if it was unanswered.
And all of a sudden it became clear to Cuddy that the feeling had been there for a long time, she had just refused to believe it. Perhaps she should actually jump off the roof, then it would finally be over and she wouldn't have to deal with it anymore, before she became even more miserable. The Dean stood up exhausted.
She took a last look at the illuminated streets and slowly made her way to the door. Knowing she would rather return to a cold and empty house than find oneself dead and not very respectably on the concrete floor. If she was lucky she might find some alcohol at her place and would drink before going to bed.
Soon, before she had reached the door, it opened and House entered the roof. Oh no, not that! The last person she wanted to see on earth was now only a few meters away and stared bewildered at her. This didn't last long and a grin expanded on his face.
“Dr. Cuddy, you're still here at this time?”
“You're obviously as well. Do you have any problem with it?”
“Not at all, you can do what you want to, but I just didn't think your life would be that comfortless that you prefer to sit on the roof than to go home.”
“Shut your damn mouth House that would already make my life a lot more sufferable!” Cuddy responded annoyed, she was tired and stiff and didn't feel like stupid arguments.
“What's wrong with you?” House seemed honestly astonished.
“Nothing, I'm just tired and don't have to listen to you.” She wanted to pass him but he held her tight.
“Let go of me!”
“First I want to know what's wrong with you.”
“Nothing, I'm tired, overworked and would like to go home now.”
House was not convinced but Cuddy hadn't expected that from a man who always told other people that everybody was lying. And then something happened which she would have never expected.
Before she could react and even realize what he was doing, House bent forward and kissed her softly. Without thinking she responded the kiss and gazed at him longingly for a short moment.
Then she recovered herself.
“Can I go home now?”
This time he let go of her and Cuddy walked to the door, but not without turning around a last time.
He gazed after her and as she looked into his eyes she knew that she had been wrong.
That night Cuddy slept well, because she had the certainness that it was not useless to attempt the impossible.
Leaf in the wind
Let me feel the pounding of your heart
So that I can't hear how mine is beating
Open up all the secret doors in front of me
because a bar is laying in front of them
I can't confess it in words, my dear.
And my tears remain uncried.
The power that unites us from the beginning
will separate us on the last of all days
All my pain I drown in kisses
All my secrets I carry like a child
I'm a leaf ripped of too early from the tree
If all lovers are so alone?