“Mistake”-Moby
I feel like I’ve lost more than the love of my life. I feel like my best friend has disappeared. I know I always only give Wilson that title, but the truth is that she is on the same level of loyalty within my mind. I wish I had the courage to tell her this small fact…She would never believe me anyway. She never has believed me when I am being genuine. I deserve some of that ridicule and mistrust, but not all of it. I did bring her that med-school desk, showed up at that horrible 80’s dance to impress her with my determination, and told her she made me feel funny.

“Mother of Pearl”-Roxy Music
This world is so ephemeral. My life is even more fleeting. I have faced the reality of my own death within the next ten years. I have faced the pain of losing the one you love to their own ego. I have faced the sadness of understanding that no one is ever as perfect as the day they are born. Innocence left me the moment I saw the harsh reflection of indifference in the mirror, after my mother’s death. I never really cried for her until that confession to Eric in the locker room. I miss his tenderness in those tense moments. He could be so much more than a man in charge. I could be so much more than the dying doctor working for a mad genius…I should not have come back. Traveling was better.

“All I Need”-Radiohead
I love him. I really honestly love him. I just can’t be with him or humor him anymore. The world changed the day he fell into my arms scared to death that all that he believed to be real wasn’t. If I were a stronger woman, like my mother, I would have waited and faced the ramifications head on. Once he was released, I made my weak attempt of broaching the subject. I never asked much more after his obvious deflection. Lucas was not planned. He was there, and Greg had only just come back. I guess fear of the future propelled me to a lesser evil.

“Spin, Spin, Sugar”-Sneaker Pimps
I gave her everything. I waited and waited for her to open her heart. She never truly was able to do this. It was always so much work for her. Why? She called on me anytime and knew I’d let her have her way, twist my needs until they resembled her own…and I was fine with that. As long as we were together nothing else really meant as much. Of course, I finally realized that there were some things more important than Allison’s view of who I am. Mine.

“True Love Waits”-Radiohead
I haven’t been living since her death. I mean, I take care of my daily needs and pay my bills but actually feeling at peace has become elusive. I still smell her old sweater when I have had a particularly trying day of cancer deaths. I still sleep on my side of the bed even though no one ever occupies the other space. I still go to sleep praying, which I never did before her death, for this all to be some strange alternate universe and that I’ll wake up in the right place with her in my arms. She got me. I got her. It was magical. I miss magic.

“It’s Oh, So Quiet”-Bjork
Sure, life was simpler when I didn’t think of her that way, but I was also painfully aware of my loneliness too. At least now I can try to woo her back to my side even though I know she will never give me another chance. It‘s ironic. I’m finally clean and willing to do the ‘work’ a relationship entails and she doesn’t want me. Maybe she never really did. Too much time between us seems to speed up our chances of failing. She knows my past errors i.e. Stacy. She thinks she’ll be another casualty.

“Don’t Dream it’s Over”-Crowded House
There is so much freedom in kissing someone you know you’ll never see again. I promised myself to refrain from one-night stands, but I simply can’t resist her dimpled smile from across the bar. She looks like an Anna or Amy some name that feels very girl-next-store. She is not my usual type but maybe that is better. Maybe it won’t just be one night of groans, sighs, and sensual caresses. Maybe she’ll stay overnight at my loft and I’ll make her French toast.

“Little Boxes”-Malvina Reynolds
Sometimes I wish I were more like 13. She is a bit of everyone and no one all at once. She is open to almost any experience and still manages to be a damn good doctor at the same time. But me, I’m in a box, with the title Dean of Medicine.

“Reckoner”-Radiohead
I am sure House will give me so much hell for this, but I don’t care right now. She feels incredible. I can smell that light tinge of vanilla in her hair. I can taste lavender on her inner thighs. My tongue lavishes on the tangy cinnamon of her exquisite tongue. Remy is silk in my arms. I want to lose myself in her soft waves of comfort. This was bound to happen but it is still a bit surprising. We only met a few times for drinks after work (unbeknownst to House) and we would talk about the most random things. Nothing specifically romantic led up to this wonderful development of gratification. She smiled at me and that seemed to be enough.

“Playground Love”-Air
He kissed me hard against my throat, thigh, and lower back. He wanted to make certain that Lucas would find out that this sinful episode occurred. This is Greg’s reminder that it wasn’t a hallucination. This red swelling is a signification of my hypocrisy and Lucas’ naivety all wrapped in one traitorous package.