*SPOILERS FOR SEASON 5, ESPECIALLY 5x20 'Simple Explanation'*


I'll start by saying that this is a selfish article. I am writing so that I can vent. I need an outlet, and you guys are always so supportive, so I know you won't mind my venting.

I saw a Star Wars poster today and nearly cried.

I have seen a few comments around the place saying "its just a tv show" and "get over it". The thing is, it isn't just a tv show. If it was just a tv show to us, we wouldn't be here, on this site. For a lot of us, 'House MD' is a huge part of who we are. We eat-sleep-breathe the show and we are emotionally invested in the characters and the storylines.

Thus, if you are reading this article and thinking that I need to "get over it", please consider that, for me, 'House MD' is not just a show: it is a part of my identity. It is not just a show to me.




'Simple Explanation' was a terrible episode. Not terrible in the sense that it was poorly made, but terrible in the sense that a terrible thing happened.



That Scene

The scene in which Foreman and Thirteen discover Kutner's body is devastating. The scene was executed perfectly to maximise the intensity of the moment. By not showing us the scene up close but allowing us to listen in on Thirteen's deperate cries, the emotional intensity of the scene was truly overwhelming for me.

I'm not a cryer. I have cried in 3 movies: 'Andre' (yes, the seal movie), 'Donnie Darko' and 'Dead Poets Society'. For those of you who have seen 'Dead Poets Society', you will have noticed the striking similarities between Kutner's death and Neil Perry's death. I never thought any scene would ever devastate me more than the Neil Perry death sequence in 'Dead Poets Society', but I experienced Kutner's death as devasting beyond what I imagined. Even though I knew it was coming. I think that is testiment to the team who create the world of 'House MD'. The feeling that they created in that scene was horrifying and unforgettable.


Taub

Taub's reaction to Kutner's death was heartbreaking. I can't even put into words how bad I feel for Taub. In 'Here Kitty', Kutner kept pushing Taub to confide in him. How devastating to realise that Kutner was indeed someone who also had something to confide. I think Taub's letter to Kutner was the most heartbreaking to read. And seeing Taub burst into tears was so difficult to watch. The pain of losing his friend, coupled with the knowledge that while he was covering for Kutner, Kutner was actually killing himself, will be unbearable for Taub. The irony of Taub's protective actions is apparent and haunting.


House

House's reaction is the most heartbreaking. He seemed like a lost little boy for most of the episode. I think Cameron's letter was so accurate: House actually liked Kutner. Genuine like. And I think Cuddy was right about House and Kutner being kindred spirits. Both of them suffered major traumas. When you think about, they had both lost a limb: Kutner losing his parents and House losing the function in his leg. And they were both outside-the-box, creative thinkers. And they both had obsessions. Little did they know, they also seemed to share misery.


Kutner/Kal Penn

At this point, it still makes me too sad to think about the loss of Kutner. Why he did it, how he did it... It's upsetting to think about. The symbolism of his using a gun to kill himself is haunting and just makes me want to cry and cry and cry.
On a more positive note, I have always loved Kal Penn. I repect him greatly, not only because he is hilarious, but because he is intelligent. He also wants to make the world a better place and we need more people like that in the world. So I am thrilled to hear about his new job and wish him all the best. I guess I am just so very disappointed that it has come at the expense of one of my favourite television characters.




So, those were some of my thoughts, or at least the ones that I can articulate right now. I needed to vent them. Its like vomitting: once you throw up, you feel a lot better. Although, I must say, I don't feel much better. It still sucks and I'm still sad.
I guess I also want to say that it is okay to feel sad about it. For those of us who are totally obsessed with the show, its hard not to be devastated by the loss of a character, particularly if it is a character you loved.

Thanks for reading.