Cuddy and House
You could cut the tension with a scalpel...
Cuddy: It's not going to work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game, and I'm going to win. Because I got a headstart - you're already miserable.
House: If (Cuddy) doesn't solve this soon, her head's going to explode and I don't want to get any on me.
House: No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20' between love and hate.
Cuddy: When I hired you , I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done...trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane.
Cuddy: Answer me.
House: Nothing I could say is going to change how you feel, and nothing could come out of your reaction that is going to change what I plan to do. So I prefer to say nothing.
Cuddy: So...that was you just saying nothing?
House: Uh-huh
House: But I had three reasons.
Cuddy: Good ones?
House: Well, lets see in a minute - I'm just making them up now.
...
House: Which brings me to my fourth reason.
Cuddy: I thought you said there were only three? House: I thought you'd buy one of them.
House: I'm not doing it. (leaves, then stops) You're supposed to stop me. Renegotiate.
Dr. Cuddy: Hmm, and you were supposed to keep on walking. Sorry, I guess we both screwed up. Go on, do it again.
House: Why is it always me ?
Cuddy: Because the world hates you.
House: Gimme a reason to get out of this, and I'll tell you who started the rumour about you being a transsexual.
Cuddy: There is no such rumor.
House: There will be unless you get me out of this dinner.
House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here — if Cameron kills somebody, Chase takes over. There's a flow chart in the lobby.
Cuddy: Twenty-four times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Except you never say those words. You say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!"
House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy, or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Cuddy: True; better be true; and you're a pig.
House: Cuddy thinks it’s idiopathic. “Cuddy” and “idiop” being the relevant parts of that sentence.
Dr. Chase: Well I’d say TB, but Cuddy’s already ruled it out.
House: And you’d be just as big an idiop as her.
House: You hired me...
Cuddy: 'Cause you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank, so I got you cheap.
Cuddy: Did you give cortical steroids to speed the baby's lung development?
House: No, I dropped an anvil on its chest to prevent lung development. I'm trying to extinguish the human race one fetus at a time
Cuddy: Oh, and I looked up that philosopher, and it turns out that if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.
House: How long do you figure before I get a call from Cuddy?
Cuddy: You put him on Lupron?
House: Uh-huh.
Cuddy: And you told them it was like milk?
House: Yes.
Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
House: It's creamy.
Cuddy: If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.
House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
[to Lisa]
House: That is true, isn't it?
[to crowd]
House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
[nobody moves]
House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[everybody raises their hand]
House: Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Cuddy: Jody Matthews?
[Jody raises her hand]
Cuddy: Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.
Cuddy: People talk.
House: About how big your ass is getting? I've been defending you- you got back!
Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're...
[House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
Cuddy: What are you doing?
House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
[Wilson smirks]
Cuddy: I am working. It got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year-old!
House: Sorry. You just don't normally see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
[Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest]
Cuddy: Women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
House: No, they can be babes. It's just you don't normally see their fun bags.
Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
House: But as the philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want."
House: Dr. Cuddy. Thanks for the consult. His throat seems to have some condition.
Cuddy: He has a sore throat.
House: Of *course*! Yes! Why didn't I... He... He said that it hurt and I should have deduced that it was sore.
Cuddy: I was in a board meeting.
House: Patients come first, right?
House: How are we doing on the cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home.
Cuddy: No, you couldn't.
House: Nice.
House: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a...
[pauses] I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
Cuddy: Do you have anything to add to this debate?
House: Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong, your shirt is way too revealing for the office.
Cuddy: What are you doing?
House: Well, you're trying to be me, so I thought I'd try to be you.
Cuddy: You don't have the cleavage for it.
House: But I have a much tighter ass.
Cuddy: They're sleeping together?
House: If by sleeping together you mean having sex in the janitor's closet...
Cuddy: Here?
House: No, the janitor's closet at the local high school. Go Tigercats! Do you have one of those camera phones? 'Cause I got a mySpace account.
Cuddy: I will deal with them after I deal with you.
House: Oh c'mon... let's gossip some more. I'm sure she's into bondage.
Cuddy: You can't lift your arm.
House: You can't pee standing up.
Cuddy: Put down the syringe.
House: I can outdraw you, mysterious stranger.
Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.
House: I want my old carpet back.
Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
House: Yeah. My blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
Cuddy: You think you can get me to do anything you want, regardless of how stupid it is?
House: It's my office! It's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people so they'll give you more money to spend on MRI's and low-cut tops.
House: I thought you were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.
Cuddy: I'm not pregnant.
Cuddy: I thought I knew all of your friend.
House: Bad news... estrogen is too high.
Cuddy: No matter how many people you tell otherwise, I am, and always have been, a woman.
House: You don't have cancer.
Cuddy: You don't have dwarfism.
House: You have no proof of that.
Orange guy: I followed her. I couldn’t stop thinking about what that doctor said. Cuddy: I told you not to listen to him, he’s an idiot. Orange guy: I was ORANGE. Cuddy: I don’t want to know what you found out. Orange guy: You don’t care? Cuddy: I’m your doctor, you’ve been good to me and good to this hospital, of course I care, but I don’t see how this conversation can end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, or she’s not having an affair and you have come here because you rightly think I should fire him, but I can’t, even if it cost me your money; the son of a bitch is the best doctor we have.
Cuddy: Don't you think this is a little manipulative?
House: No, I think it's hugely manipulative.
Cuddy: Here's what I think she's going to say. [Imitating Stacy's accent] Oh, I loooove Greg! But if you go against the patient's wishes, you're calling her a liar. And if something goes wrong, I end up in court, having to defend the big mean doctor (albeit with dreamy eyes) who wouldn't believe the nice suburban mom. And even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn surgery.
House: She [Stacy] can't handle working with me.
Cuddy: Oh, right, yeah, she's still got a thing for you, making it impossible for her to deal, makes perfect sense. Except for the pronouns!
House: Your guilt. It's perverse, and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do.
Cuddy: You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?
House: Now, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. [Pointing to Stacy] Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming. I know this wasn't just because it was your roof. Cuddy... you see the world as it is, and you see the world as it could be. What you don't see is what everybody else sees: the giant, gaping chasm in between.
Cuddy: House, I'm not naive. I realize—
House: If you did, you never would have hired me. You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: you're a good boss, and you'll never be happy. By the way why does everyone think that you and I had sex? Think there could be something to it? [shrugs]
Cuddy: Are you being intentionally dense?
House: [in sarcastic tone] Huh?
House: Death row guy. I want the case.
Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.
House: No, but "partypants" does.
Cuddy: You stole my password?
House: Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice.
Cuddy: Good morning, Dr. House.
House: Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part.
Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.
Cuddy: How's your hooker doing?
House: Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.
[House is washing his face in the men’s room as Cuddy walks in ] House: Ooh, girl in the boys’ bathroom. Very dramatic. Must be very important what you have to say to me. [ dries hands and face on paper towel ]
Cuddy: Yesterday your patient’s tumor was 5.8 centimeters. Today it’s 4.6. How did that happen? House: At a guess, I’d say “Dr. House must be really really good – why am I wasting him on hiccups?” I wash before and after. [ walks over to urinal ] Cuddy: You also requisitioned 20cc of ethanol -- what patient was that for? Or are you planning a party? House: [ over his shoulder ] Do me a favor…? [ Cuddy turns on water faucet ] House: I was gonna say “leave,” but that works. Cuddy: You shrunk the tumor! House: Only way to get the guy to do the surgery… Cuddy: Fraud! Fraud was the only way. There is a reason that we have these guidelines. House: I know – to save lives. Specifically doctors’ lives, and not just their lives but their lifestyles. Wouldn’t wanna operate on anyone really sick – they might die and spoil our stats. Cuddy: Bergen has a right to know what he is operating on. House: True. I got all focused on her right to live, and forgot. You do what you think is right.
Cuddy: Oh, why do you have to make everything so dramatic?
House: Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog. Ruff ruff ruff, rarr, ruff!
Cuddy (on how she can find him when he is hiding): I just follow the scent of arrogance.
Cuddy: I know you'd rather spend a couple of hours listening to yourself than listening to patients.
Cuddy: I am the only one that can control him.
And finally, House reveals his true feelings...
House: You are one evil cunning woman. It's a massive turn on.
Cuddy and House
