Credit: link. I didn't write it myself.
"I like taking pointless Facebook surveys as much as the next person. But, since they’re mostly about kissing, I started to wonder how someone completely incapable of feeling love might handle such things. So I just had to tag my good pal Lord Voldemort in my most recent survey. Here's what he had to say:
Was your last kiss standing up, sitting down, or lying down?
The only kiss I believe in is the Dementor's kiss, and as I have very little soul remaining in my withered husk of a body, one would have little effect on me.
Whose bed were you on last?
Nagini's, playing "Dangle the Severed Hand Over The Snake And Jerk It Away Just As She Strikes." It helps her go to sleep. I also sang her favourite Parseltongue lullaby, "SSSSSssSSSSSSSSSssSSS."
When's the last time someone of the opposite sex told you they missed you?
When I returned to the chamber of secrets in the form of a blurry memory, my beloved basilisk converged on me with her usual deadly stare and demanded to know why I'd missed fifty of our anniversaries in a row. I gently explained that we were not in a "relationship," just a mutual killing partnership with benefits.
Are you excited for anything?
FOR THE IMMINENT DEATH OF HARRY POTTER AND MY EVENTUAL DOMINATION OF THE ENTIRE PLANET.
I'm also looking forward to the release of the new Josh Groban holiday album. Just five more months till Christmas!
Do you hate the last person you kissed?
I hate everyone, but I've never kissed anyone. So, no. Paradox city!
Have you ever been cheated on?
I'm not entirely sure about Severus Snape. He claims to be a faithful servant, yet I have stalked his Facebook profile for quite some time, and several of his song lyric status updates don't seem to refer to me. Very curious...
If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?
Pettigrew... excuse me while I vomit up several feet of my intestines...
Do you like to have long hair or short hair?
Hair is such a nuisance. I really don't see the point. Do snakes have hair? Cockroaches? Bacteria? NO! (Flagella and cilia DO NOT COUNT.) Why, then, should Lord Voldemort? It's simply strands of dead nutrients hanging limply off one's head! Though I admit I sort of like the sound of that.
What is your favorite Christmas carol?
It goes something like, "Joy to the world, Harry Potter's dead! Dark Lord cut off his head! What happened to the body? We flushed it down the potty! And round and round it goes! And round and round it goes! And it got flushed into the chamber of secrets and the basilisk ate it, the end!" It's sung by Josh Groban.
Do you hate anyone?
Everyone except myself, Nagini, and the Grobester.
Have you ever told someone you loved them and meant it?
Of course not! What, do you live under a rock or something?
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
I don't even believe in a first chance. Kill them and then ask questions, and if they don't answer, dismember the corpse, that's what I always say. I also have it needlepointed onto a pillow.
Do you like being kissed spontaneously, or asked first?
It doesn't matter, I would murder the perpetrator before the mucus membranes of our mouths made even the slightest contact.
Has anything made you mad lately?
I was filled with UNEARTHLY FURY to discover that Potter slipped through my unnervingly long and spindly fingers once again! I crushed a house elf's head to a pulp with my bare hands. Then I impaled an underperforming Death Eater on a spit and served him to Nagini in a gyro... but since I was so mad, I didn't give her any tzatziki sauce with it.
Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more?
I could, but whoever I was in the relationship with wouldn't last more than three seconds. They'd be too dead.
The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them?
...Do you even know me at all?
What's the first thing you do when you're mad?
Rip the spines out of people's backs.
Three hours ago, were you touching a person of the opposite sex?
Yes, I pressed my finger deeply into Bellatrix's Dark Mark to summon my servants to a meeting. I understand she blushed.
Did you hug anyone today?
No, but Nagini squeezed the life out of several people with her constricting powers. Good girl."
"I like taking pointless Facebook surveys as much as the next person. But, since they’re mostly about kissing, I started to wonder how someone completely incapable of feeling love might handle such things. So I just had to tag my good pal Lord Voldemort in my most recent survey. Here's what he had to say:
Was your last kiss standing up, sitting down, or lying down?
The only kiss I believe in is the Dementor's kiss, and as I have very little soul remaining in my withered husk of a body, one would have little effect on me.
Whose bed were you on last?
Nagini's, playing "Dangle the Severed Hand Over The Snake And Jerk It Away Just As She Strikes." It helps her go to sleep. I also sang her favourite Parseltongue lullaby, "SSSSSssSSSSSSSSSssSSS."
When's the last time someone of the opposite sex told you they missed you?
When I returned to the chamber of secrets in the form of a blurry memory, my beloved basilisk converged on me with her usual deadly stare and demanded to know why I'd missed fifty of our anniversaries in a row. I gently explained that we were not in a "relationship," just a mutual killing partnership with benefits.
Are you excited for anything?
FOR THE IMMINENT DEATH OF HARRY POTTER AND MY EVENTUAL DOMINATION OF THE ENTIRE PLANET.
I'm also looking forward to the release of the new Josh Groban holiday album. Just five more months till Christmas!
Do you hate the last person you kissed?
I hate everyone, but I've never kissed anyone. So, no. Paradox city!
Have you ever been cheated on?
I'm not entirely sure about Severus Snape. He claims to be a faithful servant, yet I have stalked his Facebook profile for quite some time, and several of his song lyric status updates don't seem to refer to me. Very curious...
If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?
Pettigrew... excuse me while I vomit up several feet of my intestines...
Do you like to have long hair or short hair?
Hair is such a nuisance. I really don't see the point. Do snakes have hair? Cockroaches? Bacteria? NO! (Flagella and cilia DO NOT COUNT.) Why, then, should Lord Voldemort? It's simply strands of dead nutrients hanging limply off one's head! Though I admit I sort of like the sound of that.
What is your favorite Christmas carol?
It goes something like, "Joy to the world, Harry Potter's dead! Dark Lord cut off his head! What happened to the body? We flushed it down the potty! And round and round it goes! And round and round it goes! And it got flushed into the chamber of secrets and the basilisk ate it, the end!" It's sung by Josh Groban.
Do you hate anyone?
Everyone except myself, Nagini, and the Grobester.
Have you ever told someone you loved them and meant it?
Of course not! What, do you live under a rock or something?
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
I don't even believe in a first chance. Kill them and then ask questions, and if they don't answer, dismember the corpse, that's what I always say. I also have it needlepointed onto a pillow.
Do you like being kissed spontaneously, or asked first?
It doesn't matter, I would murder the perpetrator before the mucus membranes of our mouths made even the slightest contact.
Has anything made you mad lately?
I was filled with UNEARTHLY FURY to discover that Potter slipped through my unnervingly long and spindly fingers once again! I crushed a house elf's head to a pulp with my bare hands. Then I impaled an underperforming Death Eater on a spit and served him to Nagini in a gyro... but since I was so mad, I didn't give her any tzatziki sauce with it.
Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more?
I could, but whoever I was in the relationship with wouldn't last more than three seconds. They'd be too dead.
The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them?
...Do you even know me at all?
What's the first thing you do when you're mad?
Rip the spines out of people's backs.
Three hours ago, were you touching a person of the opposite sex?
Yes, I pressed my finger deeply into Bellatrix's Dark Mark to summon my servants to a meeting. I understand she blushed.
Did you hug anyone today?
No, but Nagini squeezed the life out of several people with her constricting powers. Good girl."
Severus Snape was, in fact The Bravest Man I Ever Knew. "Albus Severus, you were named for two headmasters at Hogwarts, one of them was a Slytherin. And he was, probably, the bravest man I ever knew." Severus Snape fought for what was right. "A true wizard on the inside. Not afraid of what he had to do" "Long ago I had a teacher. A sallow skinned Slytherin with long black hair. I hated him and he seemed to hate me too. Though I branded him a coward, he was, in fact, the bravest man I ever knew."
So, I say, to Severus Snape, 'You were the Bravest Man I Ever Knew. Long live Snape! He was "a true wizard on the inside."'
To Snape!
So, I say, to Severus Snape, 'You were the Bravest Man I Ever Knew. Long live Snape! He was "a true wizard on the inside."'
To Snape!
harry potter is now logged in
harry anyone here i bored and can't do Magie
ginny w has now logged in
ginny yea am here this is why better then are old owl lol
harry huh? lol wants that tell ron isay hi d hi
ron w has nowlodgedd in
ron hi harry wazs up and ginny get out of this chat room
ginny u can't make me
harry ron ginny be nice and can any one till me what lol and waz means
ginny lol meanslaughh out loud and wazwantt is up
ron lol meanslaughh out loud and wazwantt is up
ginny you took the words right out of my mouth
luke has now logged in
luke hi any one in here
harry has now logged out
ginny has nowlodgedd out
ron now has logged out
luke nope iGuesss not
luke has now logged out
.
am not a nerd and it only took 3 mins to make am just a big harry potter fan tell me want u think by the why its is post to be funny happy brith day 45th j.k and happy 30th harry
so all i got to say is happy b day harry
harry anyone here i bored and can't do Magie
ginny w has now logged in
ginny yea am here this is why better then are old owl lol
harry huh? lol wants that tell ron isay hi d hi
ron w has nowlodgedd in
ron hi harry wazs up and ginny get out of this chat room
ginny u can't make me
harry ron ginny be nice and can any one till me what lol and waz means
ginny lol meanslaughh out loud and wazwantt is up
ron lol meanslaughh out loud and wazwantt is up
ginny you took the words right out of my mouth
luke has now logged in
luke hi any one in here
harry has now logged out
ginny has nowlodgedd out
ron now has logged out
luke nope iGuesss not
luke has now logged out
.
am not a nerd and it only took 3 mins to make am just a big harry potter fan tell me want u think by the why its is post to be funny happy brith day 45th j.k and happy 30th harry
so all i got to say is happy b day harry
All over the world people are howling
About those great books by J. K. Rowling
Three little books that appeal to all ages
One learns about enchantments and spells in these pages
And a young boy who is quite ordinary in appearance
Who discovers he's a wizard with powers quite immense
To learn to control them he goes to Hogwarts School
And becomes a member of Griffindor, the house that's really cool
But its not all work, there's also time for fun
A great game called Quidditch which has to be won
With broom that fly and a cloak that makes him disappear
We know this young wizard will enjoy his year
But it's more than one year - it's going to be Seven!
For the lovers of fantasy that sounds like heaven!
If you haven't yet read about Harry Potter
Well, you really ought 'ter!
About those great books by J. K. Rowling
Three little books that appeal to all ages
One learns about enchantments and spells in these pages
And a young boy who is quite ordinary in appearance
Who discovers he's a wizard with powers quite immense
To learn to control them he goes to Hogwarts School
And becomes a member of Griffindor, the house that's really cool
But its not all work, there's also time for fun
A great game called Quidditch which has to be won
With broom that fly and a cloak that makes him disappear
We know this young wizard will enjoy his year
But it's more than one year - it's going to be Seven!
For the lovers of fantasy that sounds like heaven!
If you haven't yet read about Harry Potter
Well, you really ought 'ter!